Lost And Delirious: The Aftermath

Eventually, she calmed down.

'Tori,', I whispered. 'We have to get out of here before somebody hears all this and comes to see what's going on.' She nodded, into my chest. I helped her get up. Her face was smeared with tears and snot. She rinsed it in a sink, rubbing her cheeks with cold water.

I did what I came to do, then helped her get upstairs. She was like a child, limp and unresisting. We walked up the stairs, very slowly. In the dorm room, I helped her get into bed, and pulled the covers up for her. She looked up at me.

'Thank you, Mary.' she said, and smiled, wanly. I stroked the side of her face.

'Don't ever do anything like that again.' I said, firmly. Then I leaned down, forcing her to look right into my eyes. 'Okay?'

She nodded, but she looked down when she did it. She fell asleep, soon after. I had trouble sleeping until almost dawn.

The next day, she was fine again, at least to the outside world. I'm keeping the razor in my nightstand. Just in case.

Monday, May 20

Tori is avoiding me again. It's been very awkward since the other night. We hardly say anything to each other.

When she's not here, I don't know how to feel. I resent her for the fact that I don't resent her anymore. She is just so...perfect that I think I'd let her get away with anything. Everyone would. We all want to believe her, to trust her. And somewhere, deep inside, she knows it.

She confuses me. I wish I could ask Paulie if it felt this way for her, being close to Tori. One minute, I think she's so genuine, so vulnerable. The next, I wonder if she's really this calculating. I can't stop thinking about it.

When she's around, it's a lot harder to think about her other side. Her presence is overwhelming. It always was, for me. She makes you like her, just by being. My anger is burned out, so I can't use that as a shield. And without it, I am defenseless.

I'm sorry, Paulie.

Wednesday, May 22

I don't know what to think, anymore. I am changing so much, here. All of these things happening to me, I just feel like a whole different person. I don't even remember the old me.

Yesterday, when I came back to the dorm, Tori was lying on her bed again. There was an envelope on her night stand, torn open, and a letter on top of it.

She noticed me looking at it.

'It's my acceptance letter', she said, in a hollow voice. It was the first thing she'd really said to me, directly, since Friday, other than like good morning. 'From McGill.' I nodded, and kept walking. I couldn't think of anything to say.

'Paulie and I were going to go there together next fall.' Her voice sounded far away.

Paulie had told me that, once. She had choked it off with a painful sob. McGill represented a future she had hoped to have, that she no longer thought possible.

We turned the lights off early. I was drifting off to sleep, when I heard Tori whisper, 'Mary?'. When I didn't respond, she tried again. 'Mary?' I rolled over.

'What is it, Tori?', I asked, slightly sleepy. I saw she was sitting up. Then in a little voice, she said, 'Could you...come here? Please?'

I hesitated for a second, then got out of bed and sat on the end of her bed, in front of her, waiting. She didn't look at me, she looked over my shoulder. Her tears started flowing.

I couldn't stop myself. I reached for her. I held her. I soothed her. She gently pulled me into bed with her, then held on to me and cried. Again, no words. I don't know if she had no words for her grief, or if she was just holding back.

She lay pressing against me for a long, long time, even after the tears stopped. It was a full moon, and I could see her face in the half-light. Her deep brown eyes were so sad, so empty.

I don't know what happened, then, exactly. I just suddenly felt my face moving towards hers. I kissed her, kissed her soft, supple lips. Felt them give way, part for me. Held them to mine. My heart pounded against my ear drums, so loud.

Then I came back to myself, and I pulled my head back. What was I doing? She was looking at me, startled.

I felt a flood emotions washing over me. I sat up and started to get out of bed.

She reached for me, took hold of my arm. I looked at her. She was still looking at me with that same, strange expression. She pulled me back into bed.

We stared at each other for what felt like forever, her eyes searching mine. Then, she kissed me. The first one was soft. The second one was not.

My head spun. It wasn't just from the kiss. She was a great kisser, but so was Paulie. No, it was because it was her. Tori. Beautiful, untouchable Tori, the girl we were all secretly in love with, the one everyone wants, boy, girl, man, woman. Kissing me, deep and hard, like she was trying to suck the breath from my lungs.

She rolled over and pulled me on top of her. I helped her get her T-shirt off. She began to urge me toward her breasts. I had seen them before, but not this close. Her breasts are beautiful. They're round and perfect, with little freckles on her skin. I went from one to the other, suckling like a hungry baby.

Her hands were at the back of my head, running through my hair. After a few minutes of me sucking, she began to guide me downward. I knew where she wanted me. I let myself be guided.

Her perfume was more complex than Paulie's, and so was her flavor. Muskier. Spicier. Not better, or worse. Just different. And she was more responsive, bucking her hips against me, involuntarily, panting, clutching my head to her, her breath catching in her throat again and again, as she cried out her release.

When she stopped pulling at my hair, I eased back to avoid over-stimulating her. She pulled me up her body, to kiss her, sucking greedily at my tongue. Then, without a pause, she rolled me over. She started kissing my neck.

Her hands, her mouth, they were so gentle. So soft. It was urgent, but it was also timeless. She nibbled gently on my breasts, not enough to hurt, just so I could feel her teeth. She began kissing lower.

It wasn't that she was better than Paulie. She was practiced, knowing, but Paulie had been, too. It was just that it was Tori. Radiant, lovely Tori. Letting her mouth caress me, so intimately. She took a while to get me there, but it still felt too fast, too soon for her to stop. I cried out, then fell back. She was on top of me, kissing me, intermingling our flavors.

She lay on me, her face against my neck. I stroked her hair.

'I'm sorry.', she whispered, to me. 'I really, really missed this.' I kissed her, gently, on her forehead. 'I did, too.', I said.

Then she started to cry again.

'I miss her so much, Mouse.', she said, fighting for breath. 'Even before she was gone, just having her so close, it was...so hard, sometimes. So hard not to just let her be with me. So hard.'

'I hurt her so much. I watched myself do it, and it was like I couldn't stop myself, couldn't control it.'

'It was like, my love sustained her. She needed it, like food. And I withheld it. I starved her.'

'Her eyes, Mouse. If you had just seen her eyes. That night, at the dance, when I denied her for the last time. If you had just seen the depth of her pain, the betrayal. She was like a wild animal. And now, now when I close my eyes and see her, I don't see her laughing. I don't see her smiling, looking at me tenderly, with love, like she did in class sometimes. I just see those eyes. Those wild, pain-filled eyes. They scream at me. Why, Tori? Why? Oh God, Mouse, how could I do that to her? How could I do that to my love?'

I just held on. I knew she didn't expect me to have any answers. She just needed to let the words flow.

'I knew, I knew she felt alone in the world. I knew she felt unloved. I knew this would hurt her. I didn't realize how much, but I should have. I should have known.'

'And now, now she's dead, and I can't...even...tell...her...how...sorry...I...am. Oh God, I can't stand this.'

'I thought I was strong enough. I thought I could be without her. Some nights, I almost could. But others, others it was all I could not to crawl into her bed. I would hold on to Jake, and try to get the same thing from him. But I just couldn't. It wasn't the same. It couldn't be.'

'And now, now that she's not here, now that I've lost her forever, now all I want is to be with her. Even now, here, with you, I'm sorry Mouse, but all I wish is that you were Paulie.'

She calmed down, sniffing against me.

'I'm so sorry for all this, Mouse. For dragging you into the middle of it. For everything.'

I told her it was ok. I was dealing with it. I kissed her, gently. She looked down.

'I don't want to hurt you, like I hurt Paulie.' she said.

'You won't.', I said.

'How can you be sure?', she asked. I sighed. 'For one thing, in another couple of weeks we'll never see each other again.'

She didn't say anything. She just held on to me. Eventually, she fell asleep, and I snuck out without waking her, and climbed back into my bed. I could smell her on me, taste her skin, her mouth.

Saturday, May 25

Tori and I make love every night now. She can't seem to get enough. Last night I woke up with her above me, looking down. I opened my mouth and she lowered herself onto me. Paulie and I had done that a few times, but she always pulled me on top. It was different, but not really. When she was done she just slid down my body and took care of me.

We also ground together, facing each other, holding on, our legs over each other. Another trick Paulie had taught me. We finished by using our mouths on each other at the same time.

We always make sure that we're in our own beds when we're finished. We don't want to go through that again.

We both feel the pressure of time. Less than two weeks now. Oh, Tori.

Monday, May 27

I dreamed of Paulie last night. I haven't dreamt about her since the first week. The first ones were terrible. It was about her falling, or her lying bleeding on the ground, her dead.

This one was different. I was walking in the woods. It was early in the morning, with the first light of the sun coming through the trees. There was mist in the air.

Suddenly, I felt a presence, like something was there with me. Then...the raptor flew out of the trees and landed in front of me. I felt a shiver, and Paulie was there, walking next to me.

I looked up at her. She was smiling at me, with that huge, beautiful smile she had, the one that just lit up her whole face. Her eyes were wise.

'Thank you, Mary.' she said. 'For everything.'

I couldn't say anything. Couldn't form words. It was like I forgot how to talk. We kept walking.

Then, Paulie said, 'Love her for me, Mary. Love her as long as you can.'

The raptor flew away, and she was gone, just like that. I woke up, sweating, panting. I could hear Tori breathing, steadily in the darkness. What was that all about?

Tuesday, May 28

I haven't told Tori about my dream. She's noticeably calmer now, though. She's learning to breathe again, I think.

She is still not the same Tori that I remember from early on, but then I'm not the same Mouse, either. I don't think we'll ever be the same, any of us. How can we be?

There is still doubt, of course. I remember how she can change, how cold she can be. But I know I don't have a chance with her. She's like a river. She just flows over me. I love Tori.

Thursday, May 30

Everything is winding down. Tori sat next to my bed today, talking about her summer trip to Italy with her Mom. She smiled, for the first time in a long time, at least with no one else watching. She rested her head against my leg. It was nice.

Last night we made love again, but only once this time. The urgency is less now. We take our time. Afterwards, we just lie together, in silence, in comfort.

So little time, now. She'll be gone so soon. And then I'll be alone again. We only have a week.

Friday, May 31

I told her. Last night. I couldn't help it. We made extra long love, and then I just looked her right in the eye.

'I love you, Tori.', I said. She looked back at me, with longing, with fear. She looked away.

'I fell in love with you on the first day.', I continued. 'The first time I saw you. I didn't know what it was, then. Now I do. I love you.'

She sat up. She didn't get out of bed, but she was fighting the urge to.

'I'll only hurt you.', she said. 'I'll destroy you, like I destroyed Paulie.'

I sat up and put my arm around her.

'I'm not Paulie.', I said. 'I loved her, but I'm not her. I'm me. And I love you.'

She sat, leaning against me, without saying anything. Then, she whispered, 'I love you too, Mouse.' We made love again.

Monday, June 3

Tori and I have so little time left. We don't talk about the future. We both know we don't have one. At least not together. We are about the past. We are about healing.

I love her. And I think she loves me. And it just doesn't matter at all.

The clock is still ticking down. I know I'll never see her again, after Friday, except maybe in my dreams. And it's all right, somehow. It hurts to think about, but I actually don't find myself wanting it to be any different. Our time is short, but it's ours.

Wednesday, June 5

Tori looked gorgeous at graduation rehearsal. It's amazing. She is so beautiful to start with, and when she dresses up a little, puts on just the right amount of make up, she's just stunning.

I caught her eye, several times, as we sang to the graduates. She smiled at me, a secret little smile. There were only two of us in the assembly hall. There were only two of us in the Universe.

Friday, June 7

It's over.

Last night, we made love again and again. Knowing that it was the last time just made it sweeter. After the last one, we cried together. For the end of our love, or maybe just for what might have been. She stayed with me, until early in the morning.

Graduation was this morning. She was so beautiful. I'll always remember her the way she was today, in her graduation gown. With her laughing eyes. My Tori. Forever mine, even if it's only in my memory.

After graduation, she came upstairs. We packed most of our stuff last night. Her family was still downstairs. Mine was coming later.

We only had five minutes, maybe less, to say goodbye, before her father would come up to help with her bags. She stopped in the middle of the room. She took me in her arms.

'Mouse. Mary.' she said, tearfully. 'I will never. Ever. Forget you. Ever. I love you, Mary B.'

I hugged her back. 'Take care of yourself, Tori.', I said. 'Live your life. Be happy. I love you, too.'

We kissed. It was bitter and sweet at the same time. We held it as long as we could, so we could remember each other's taste, the feel of the other's lips on ours.

Then she wiped her face. Her father came up, took her bags, and she hugged me again, much lighter this time, for show.

My father will be here, soon. It's a little late, but he's always late. I need to pack this diary.

I've been thinking about it all, though. Now that it's all over, I'm thinking it was all for something, after all. Growth is always a painful process. And I did grow.

I see them in my mind now, together. My Mother. Paulie. Tori. The three women who helped me become who I am. They are all my mothers, in a way. I loved them all. I love them all.

I am all of them, and none of them. I am just me. Mary Bedford, previously known as Mouse. But Paulie was right. Mouse is dead. She died here, this year. Now I'm just Mary.

Saturday, June 8

First night in my own bed, but it doesn't feel like mine. It's what Tori said to me, my first day at Perkins, a century ago. Home doesn't feel like home, anymore.

Soon, I will be back there. There will be new people, new things to do. New roommates. New friends.

I dreamt of Paulie again. I don't know how I know, but I think it's the last time.

At first, I thought it was the nightmare. She was standing up on the roof, with the sun on her left and the raptor circling overhead. She cried out to the sky, and her words...her words floated up on a cloud, swirling into the sun. She stretched her arms out. Down below, Tori stretched hers out too, and so did I. Paulie looked down to us. She looked at Tori, she looked at me. We all shared our love. Paulie smiled. We smiled.

Then she leapt. She spread her wings, and she flew straight up, up, ever higher. She flew away, as far as she could from the world of loss and love and pain. Rest in peace, Paulie. I will see you again, someday.