Love and Fear at the Crossroads

Love and Fear at the Crossroads

By Ms. Pamela Lightener

• Six months earlier:

Jacqueline Jackson Nguyen was on fire.

It wasn't just her bright yellow leathers and matching full-face helmet and boots. It wasn't just the shiny new red Ducati Superleggera V4 roaring between her legs. It wasn't just that she was racing past all the freeway traffic as she headed home that night, later than she expected, leaning down to hug her powerful machine, absorbing erotic vibrations, ass up for all to admire.

It was that she was hot. Unbelievably, cosmically hot. "Jackie-Jack" was hotter than pretty much any other girl, even on those rare occasions when she rolled out of bed with a mild hangover and a little gas from last night's good time. She just had "it."

Jackie didn't even try all that hard. She really just lived her life being herself. That's how she was raised. But that particular "herself" was 5-foot-7 and 115 pounds of perfectly proportioned and perfectly toned 27-year old superstar. Her dad's Vietnamese-American genes had conspired with her mom's African-American genes to produce a prototype of what a young woman should look like in order to grab the attention of just about anyone who could fog a mirror and who had any attraction at all to humans lacking a Y chromosome.

So through the traffic she weaved, with a sixth sense about what was around her and the presence of law enforcement. And in the event she might spot the blue lights behind her, so far even straight female state troopers had yet to write her up. That's when you know you have "it."

She was late getting home to their stylish and comfortable suburban ranch-style home because she had been way out of line with her boss, the senior partner at Jonathan Wildomar Architects, LLC. She had been on her job site, her mind and heart focused on her lover waiting at home, and became annoyed answering Jonathan's pointed questioning about the building design, materials delivery, and the wisdom of some of her choices. Of course it was a brilliant and stunning design, and she never had any trouble getting the client emotionally committed to it, and sometimes a bit enamored of her. That wasn't the problem.

There were practical and financial issues. It had to be able to be built, on schedule, and on budget. Jonathan's reputation and Jackie's future depended on it. So when Jonathan's insistence on satisfactory answers got to be too much for her, her last reply of "Look, Jonathan, this is my fucking job and I know what I'm doing and I just don't have time for this shit!" possibly wasn't the best choice.

So she didn't go right home and instead sped back to the office to apologize to Jonathan in person, as he deserved. After all, Jonathan had seen her special qualities right through the pedestrian nature of her state university degrees, and perceived the burgeoning talent sitting across from him in her first interview. He brought her into the firm, put her on the fastest of fast tracks, and guided her through her errors of detail, hubris, and dumb mistakes that all young architects go through if they have any ambition at all and push their limits. He knew she had the potential and drive to be spectacular, and if he didn't bring her along and cultivate all that she was, in time she would certainly set up her own shop somewhere. Maybe across the street.

So, as he told his other partners after she had sincerely and humbly taken back what she said, "I don't know how good she can be, and she has no idea either. But she's going to be that good under this roof if I have anything to say about it. I'm a big boy. I don't get my feelings hurt that easily."

After her apology, Jonathan was gracious. "Jackie, that little outburst is over and done, and we're putting it behind us. No more will be said about it." Jackie's shoulders instantly relaxed, and she nodded, relieved. "I know that you're madly in love and dedicated to that lovely fiancée of yours, and as someone on his third and hopefully last wife, I speak as a man who learned too late that work isn't the reason we live. Oh, it's important, and I see how you are energized and excited by what you do, and what this firm does. But it isn't everything. Don't make it everything.

"So if I see you here or at your project tomorrow, you're fired. Take the day off and see to your girl and yourself. Do you know that look I get when I'm not just talking shit and I really mean what I'm saying?"

"Yeah, I've seen that one," laughed Jackie.

"Well, you're looking at it now. So get out, and try not to kill yourself on that damn crotch rocket."

"OK, boss. I really appr-"

"I said get out. I need to get home and see if I'm still married."

Jackie took the hint and hurried down to her bike, grateful to have the burden lifted so she could pay attention to the far more important task at hand, which was consuming Blair's sweet body in every way possible.

Entering their condo, Jackie immediately knew that Blair had made her favorite: Baked salmon with a light spread of Grey Poupon and a sprinkling of shredded Asiago. Dinner was hot, Blair was hot, and the wine chilled. "I'm actually in heaven," thought the exotic beauty as her sweetheart greeted her with a warm smile and a loving hug. Jackie cupped her girl's pretty bottom, kissing her neck, and Blair pulled away gently, chiding her. "Eat dinner first, then you can eat me." "Deal," agreed Jackie, as she hurried off to change. She wondered how she could be happier.

Each time Blair made this dish Jackie was convinced it was better than the last time. She went to their bedroom and peeled off her clothes, keeping her panties and pulling a t-shirt on. A quick trip to the bathroom and a hearty hand-washing, and it was off to dinner. The wine was crisp and the salmon, jasmine rice, and green beans we done just right. Jackie silently congratulated her on her plan to wife this girl. The conversation was relaxed and easy, and Blair gently reprimanded her for her outburst with Jonathan. Then they split a home-baked lemon scone, since both girls watched their figures. They also often watched each other's figures.

Jackie went off to shower and when she came into their bedroom, naked, Blair was ready for her, and confessed to getting a head start. "I've been thinking about you all day, Jacks, and I just had to get a little busy while you were in there. See?" Blair opened her legs and Jackie could see her moist pussy, lips parted, and delectable. "No calories, girl. All you can eat buffet tonight."

Instead of diving right in -- something she had thought about all day -- Jackie took Blair in her strong arms and held her tight. "What's the matter, sweetie?" Blair asked with a worried tone. Jackie answered, voice choked up. "I just love you so much. I can't even understand it. You mean everything to me."

Blair teared up, hugging Jackie tighter, their bodies pressed against each other in something more intimate than any mere act of sex and physical arousal. "My baby," cooed Blair in Jackie's ear. "My dearest, replied Jackie." They stayed that way for awhile, and then Jackie pulled away, looked Blair in the eye, and said, "Now for my dessert," her face buried in her fiancée's sweet sex as Blair squealed and laughed..

Her hands under Blair's bottom, Jackie feasted on Blair's already wet pussy. She never tired of the girl's fresh, feminine taste, and the moans that ensued when Jackie knew she was pleasing her. They kissed, explored each other's beautiful, young bodies, and slipped into a sixty-nine, their favorite. They knew that as one of them focused on the pleasure of the other, they left themselves open to pleasure to be received, like unlocking a gate. Time didn't matter, only each other. They eventually fell asleep, a sweaty, sticky, happy mess.

Jackie awoke first, lolling about, reminiscing about how she and Blair met several years earlier back in their state university days...

*

Sitting in a boring Sociology class, Jackie overheard classmates nearby joke about a girl who was two rows in back of them on the other side of the room. "If Blair was any more of a WASP I'd worry about being stung!" "But she's so nice!" said another, and there was universal agreement. "I think she's gay, but I don't know. I never see her with anyone, you know, romantically. But my gaydar is pretty accurate." "I'd do her," said one girl wistfully, and someone said, "You'd do Ms. Kunkel in Anthropology too!" They laughed, but Blair was too far away to notice.

Jackie turned, saw Blair, and was definitely stung by the WASP.

Fair, perfect skin, blonde, slim, and with such fine features it demanded you to think of a better word to describe them. Preppy perfection, perfectly groomed, with her white cotton button-down shirt, and her plaid wool skirt just above her knees as she sat, this girl hit poor, smitten Jackie like a thunderbolt. She couldn't stop stealing glances. Just Blair's bare knees made Jackie feel a little warm. The girl transformed Jackie her into a big kid with a crush.

But here was Jackie now, 20 and proudly lesbian, with some girl's cute little knees driving her crazy. Oh, those knees.

Jackie and Blair would later laugh about Jackie's terribly lame and clumsy pick up lines, making up a story about needing to copy Blair's notes from the last class, and what did she think was going to be on Friday's quiz. But Blair, intrigued and curious, played along because, as has been established, Jackie was sizzling hot.

So they sometimes had coffee or lunch together, and found they shared some interests, like healthy eating, yoga, and an uncluttered life. Their off-campus apartments were oddly similar, and soon after they started sort-of-kind-of-maybe dating, Jackie moved in to Blair's place, which was closer to campus. Neither had cared to have roommates before, but this seemed different than roommates. Still, they were mostly pals. Jackie took Tennis as an elective, even though she thought it was a wimpy sport, just because Blair did. They got lockers next to each other, and they both got a bit of a thrill from seeing each other undressed and in the shower. But they played it cool, not wanting to spoil the friendship. But what was the harm in fantasizing?

People who knew them both saw the relationship progressing, even if they never made it obvious. They were kind of opposites in most ways, but often complementary. Jackie was louder, assertive, bold, and blunt. Blair, quiet, accommodating, cautious, and diplomatic. Jackie's firm tone and glare would get them seated immediately if the restaurant lost their reservation, and Blair could get the customer service person on the phone to straighten out a problem and actually become their advocate, without drama. They were a good team.

Neither Jackie or Blair dated much, even though they were very casual in their own non-sexual relationship. Gravity just seemed to keep them orbiting around each other. Eventually, both girls stopped closing the bathroom door when they showered or dressed, having seen each other nude enough times in the locker room. It just seemed strange to hide. They sometimes showed affection for one another, as girls naturally do, and when one would score well on a test or won $50 with a lotto scratcher, they would hug. Once, when Blair was leaving for class, Jackie kissed her on the cheek as she went by. They both stopped, surprised, and giggled. "You better go before I jump your bones!" Jackie kidded, trying to break the tension, which did exactly the opposite.

One night they went out for dinner, and stayed for 4 hours, closing the place. Blair had to have help walking back to their place after their second bottle of wine, and made little sense as she couldn't stop laughing. Alcohol never affected Jackie all that much, and she easily got Blair back. She got her undressed, helped her pee, washed her face, and then put her to bed in her room. Blair was sobering up a little by then, and as Jackie pulled up the covers, Blair looked into Jackie's eyes. "Thanks, Jacks," she said with a sweet smile, and went off to sleep. "Good night, lightweight," whispered Jackie.

Jackie got ready for bed, went to her room, and quietly masturbated about her friend.

The next morning at breakfast, Blair gave Jackie a serious look.

"Jacks, about last night..."

"Yeah, girl, it's a good thing somebody can hold their booze," teased Jackie.

"Yep, that's obviously not me. But thanks for taking care of me like you did."

"Well, what was I going to do? Leave you on the curb?"

"That's not what I mean. You know we've been kind of flirting and playing around for a long time. I really like you and I think you like me too. But I've never really committed to my sexuality like you have. I've had doubts, and you know me. I overthink everything. But I've seen the way you look at me and I'm sure you've seen me look at you in the same way. Especially when you don't have any clothes on." Jackie was amazed at how pink Blair could get when she blushed.

"Last night when I was drunk, I would have been really easy to take advantage of. You undressed me, and you could have had me very easily, and I would have been fine with it, really. But you didn't. Instead you respected me and took care of me. And that spoke to my heart."

Jackie was overcome and speechless. They both cried and hugged each other tight for a long, long time, trying to merge into each other. Their bodies intimately speaking how they felt. That was the long, sweet night they became engaged.

Jackie took the hard sciences track, with a major in Architecture and a minor in Mechanical Engineering. She really had to sell her adviser that she could manage it, and it proved to be true as she aced every class and met every challenge. Her senior internship at Jonathan's firm introduced her to her future profession, and blew Jonathan away. Jonathan made her an offer after 6 weeks, and she joined the firm right after graduation.

Blair was always headed for a career that would help people, and chose working with at risk children. She also insisted on an accelerated program and with calm and quiet dedication and intelligence, accomplished her goal of a graduate degree with honors and in record time.

• Present day:

Blair was late getting home on Friday, tired, but so pleased with how well her last session had gone. The boy had had a rough time in foster homes most of his life. There was state mandated counseling, and no progress had been made for months since Blair got the case. Danny started out bitter, angry and distrustful. He was often sarcastic and mocking. But Blair was quietly strong, a rock in a raging river, and eventually he learned to grab hold and get just a little stability and peace in his life.

And now he had been connected with a new family, and unknown to Blair's supervisor, Blair had screened them and vetted them with an intensity they had never expected. Aaron and Michelle were a bit surprised, but met every challenge and showed Blair they met business about fostering a troubled young man. Their attitude was, "What else have you got? Ask us anything you want. Drop by the house anytime. We can help this kid." Blair loved their intensity and consistency, and in her last appointment for the day, Danny, Aaron, and Michelle had met for an extended introduction.

Blair had done her work in sterling fashion with all three, and they were all ready to move forward. They stayed late, and Blair let it happen and let them drive the train. When they left she knew that this was going to work. Danny had a real chance at a good future.

So coming in the door, the reality of her home life brought her back to earth, as she saw Jackie on the sofa, pajamas and robe, hair a mess, and with a microwaved bowl of what some agribusiness corporation said was dinner on her lap.

"Hey, Jacks."

"Hey, B. There's a beef stew or a chicken a-la-king in the box if you want it."

"Oh. OK. Gonna get freshened up. Long day."

"How's that kid doing? Denny?"

"Danny. Really good. I think we've got him set up. He's improved so much and I think the couple I chose is really..." Blair could tell Jackie wasn't listening, instead watching some slob trying to carry a delicate confectionary masterpiece to the judging table before it fell over. Reality TV, thought Blair. The most unreal thing on TV.

Blair went off to change and come back to eat. She wasn't really hungry so she fixed up a plate of a sliced apple, crackers and brie. They watched the show neither of them cared about, and then something else Blair couldn't even remember later.

Blair sighed, "Baby, I'm going to take a quick shower and then get to bed. Want to join?"

"No, I'm good here. I haven't been sleeping well so I think I'll be in the guest room tonight. I don't want to keep you up."

"OK," replied Blair, tired of trying. Later in bed she had to laugh bitterly as she thought her life had become a cliché as she literally cried herself to sleep.

She slept late, but noticed that Jackie still had the door closed. She made some toast and coffee, and stared at the morning TV without paying attention. They had big problems, she knew, but she was trained to handle big problems. But she also knew that none of her training and experience covered this. Her heart was breaking, she didn't get much sleep, her eyes were red and puffy, and she lacked any energy. For the first time in her life she didn't know what to do. She felt her happiness slipping away.

Soon Jackie made her way out to get a bowl of cereal and some coffee. She was clumsy and it took some effort. She almost fell twice and cursed a blue streak. She finally plopped down at the kitchen table.

Halfway through breakfast she didn't look up as she said, "Jacks, I think I need to move out and then we can sell the house. This is too hard and I know it's my fault. You need to get on with it. I'm just bad for you and I really care about that, you know that. But it's not going to change and you know that too."

Jackie had hinted at this for some time, and tried to get Blair to discuss it, but Blair always brushed it off or changed the subject. But this time Jackie seemed dead serious. Her tone made it sound so final. This was it.

"You're giving up then? Giving up on us? We're just done?"

"Let's just finish it. Don't make it any harder. You're young and have so much ahead of you. Let's rip the bandage off and get it over with."

Blair's temper rose. "Why can't you look at me? Look at me when you hurt me like this. Look me in the face, Jacks."

"You want that? You want to see my face so much? Great. Here. Have a nice long look."

Jackie turned to face Blair, with daylight coming through the kitchen window and highlighting all the ravages of the terribly scarred left side of her face. The sickening tragedy of her high speed freeway accident with that "damn crotch rocket" came back to both of them, and the results were plain and graphic. The eight days in the hospital. The endless weeks of skin grafts. The ongoing physical therapy and psychological counseling. The perfect life turned to pain and despair.

"There, had enough? Want more?" Jackie tore off her pajama top and bottom and showed off the scars on her left side, and down her left leg. And at the end of her leg, just above her ankle, was a stump. "There's the whole show, sweetie. There's your bride to be. Hopping down the fucking aisle while everybody feels sorry for both of us. I can't wait to watch the fucking video!"

"But Jacks, I love you. I love you so much. Don't you love me at all anymore?"

"Of course I do, Blair. I have to let you go to find someone better. Let's be honest. You never would have gone out with me if I was like this then, would you? Answer me!"

"No I wouldn't. I admit it. Your beauty was important and I was really drawn to it. But that was before I knew you. That was all I had to go on until we got to know each other and got to love each other. So that isn't fair."