Love and Fear at the Crossroads

"Well, this shit isn't fair either," said Jackie bitterly, motioning all up and down her left side. "The pain wasn't fair and the rehab wasn't fair and turning into a damn monster people recoil from isn't fair either, but that's what I am, and I will not drag you down into this shithole with me anymore. I can't love you and want this for you.

"I know you've tried all your psychology on me and everything else you could think of, and I do love you for it. I really hoped it would work, but I can't go on hurting you every day like this. It's tearing me up. I can't work, and someday Jon's going to lose his patience and cut me loose, and I won't blame him. So let's just get this over with, please."

Enraged, Blair shot to her feet and marched over to Jackie. Jackie had never seen her like this and actually flinched when Blair got near. She had never seen such anger and fury in her quiet, calm, methodical girlfriend, whose hands were now clenched in fists.

"What the FUCK did I ever do to make you hate me like this?!" Blair was yelling. "I thought you loved me. You told me you really loved me and you convinced me you really knew me. Were you lying the whole time? Was it just about the sex? How can you hurt me this way, I don't understand. Please explain it to me."

Jackie was stunned. "Baby, I'm saying this because I love you. You need to have so much more, so much better..."

"You just don't get it, do you? You think I'm so shallow, so weak, so trivial that I would stop loving you because part of your body isn't pretty anymore? That's what you think of me after all this time? How DARE you hurt me like this! How dare you tell me I'm this small and scared! Blair pounded the table with each sentence. Jackie thought it might collapse.

Blair stopped her outburst and got very quiet as she took Jackie by the shoulders with a strength and a grip Jackie never knew she had. "The day I met you I saw a gorgeous and terribly sexy young woman. Then after time you became a fun companion, then a friend, then a lover. And yes, your beauty was a part of that. But now, do you know what I see?"

Jackie was speechless, "Uh...I don't."

"My love. The love of my life. She's right in front of me. She's changed, but my love and dedication hasn't changed at all. You're still here. I took you into my heart. We merged into one person. Your injuries can't destroy that, and I won't destroy that. I'll look the whole world in the eye and tell them all to fuck right off to Hell if they don't like it. Only you can destroy us, and if you want to tear me to pieces, you can do that. If you hate me that much then tell me it's over. You can do that.

"But if you care for me then you'll love me like I love you." And then Blair kissed her scarred face, all down her scarred body, and lifted up her leg and kissed the stump at the end of her leg.

"So you decide whether I pack up and get out now because I can't stand being here and you not loving me." Jackie was silent, overcome. "Or I run you a bath, and we talk about our future together, and after I bathe you I'll take you to bed. 'I just love you so much. I can't even understand it. You mean everything to me.' That's what you told me once. I believed you. Do you believe me?"

Every year after that they celebrated the evening when the healing began.