Love, Betrayal, Love Ch. 05

A few months had past and life was good. On the sex side, we had indeed tried the cock sleeves that I had purchased, but they did not do the job as I had hoped. One was a seven and a half by five inches which Katie could not cum on. The other was an eight and half inch by six inches and although that got Katie going a bit, it would also slip a lot when I tried to fuck her hard. So disappointing all round.

I ordered two more, one a nine inch by six, the other a ten inch by six and half inches, which was the biggest I could find that would fit my dick for the inner sleeve. We were limited by the choices due to needing to be specific with my size or they would indeed slip when used.

They arrived a few days later, and we tried them again that weekend. I was able to get Katie to eventually cum on the nine-inch sleeve as it stayed in place a little better when I fucked her harder. The ten-inch sleeve kept slipping and coming off when we used it. It was frustrating, as while the concept of these was terrific for what we wanted, I found the reality lacking.

So, since then when we worked on Katie's mojo it was back to the dildos and I mainly used the twelve-inch monster on her, the one that had the same thickness as Jake. Katie was also able to cum three times when using this, which was better than the sleeves but still far beneath her exploits with Jake.

I could tell Katie was hiding her frustration, and that she would not admit it, always telling me she was happy with the toy sessions and that she was satisfied. I wondered if she would be more truthful in her journal, to how I thought she was feeling but no, there was no mention. Maybe I had it all wrong and she really was satisfied by our toy sessions, but I knew that wasn't true.

I then looked into the sex machines you could purchase, just like the ones you can see used in porn videos. The good part about these was that I could get the dildo attachments for whichever size Katie would like to use. While the machine was expensive, I figured it was a small price to pay if it could satisfy Katie better.

It took a week before it arrived, along with the dildo attachments, and I got it ready for the next time she needed her mojo sorted. This time I hid the machine in my wardrobe figuring it was a good hiding spot for now.

It was a Saturday morning when Katie called out to me from the bedroom.

"Greg, what the hell is this?"

I made my way to the bedroom knowing exactly what Katie was referring to.

"I hope you're not going through my wardrobe Katie."

"Well of course I am, who do you think irons your work shirts? Puts away your underwear, we don't have a maid do we?"

Yeah, okay an oversight on my part I guess.

"I was hoping to surprise you with it, but that's okay."

Katie looked at me with an exasperated look on her face.

"I never asked you for this did I?"

"I thought it might help, to improve things."

Katie then sat up on the bed and put her head in her hands.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of us worrying about how many times I need to orgasm. Of whether I am sexually satisfied. I don't want this to be something that interferes with us, and right now I feel that it is. I just don't want to think about it anymore, I want so much to not care about this."

"Okay I get that Katie."

I sat beside Katie and grabbed one her hands and held it in mine.

"Tell me something though, can you simply decide to turn off those sexual desires and never have them again?"

Katie looked up at me, she looked frustrated, angry even.

"For three years I managed just fine, surely I can manage again."

"Were you happy during those three years Katie?"

"But that had nothing to do with me needing Jake, that was because I missed you."

I just looked at Katie and nodded my head. Katie just admitted that she needs Jake, whether she meant it or not. Katie could tell I understood what she just said.

"I didn't mean that I need Jake, that's not what I meant."

"Katie I know you just want for us to be together. To just enjoy sex together without the need for this other stuff, I get it. But I thought we were being honest with ourselves, that what you had worked through your sessions with Dr Forsyth to understand why you needed this, that you needed this. That it would end up being bad for our relationship if you simply try to ignore it."

"But why should my desires affect our relationship this much? You say if I ignore it, that it might ruin our relationship, but what if by not ignoring it I ruin it as well? Have you thought about that?"

"What are you scared of Katie, tell me. I am not leaving you, I am right here. Be honest with me."

"For God-sake Greg, you know where this is headed don't you, don't you?"

I sat there silently just looking at Katie, no I didn't know where this was heading.

"It's not about the size of these toys Greg, or not just the size. Why I used to cum so much with Jake was because he made me cum that much. He was in my head, he made me feel that good. These toys, that machine, they will never get into my head like that, they're not real, they're not him."

"Do you understand now? Do you understand that if we keep going down this path that it means I will end up fucking Jake again, do you fucking get that!"

With that Katie ran out of the bedroom crying. I just sat there for a few minutes trying to get my thoughts together. What was I going to do, there is no way I want Katie to fuck Jake again, even if I knew that Katie would always be mine. The truth is I would be jealous, my pride would be hurt.

Was it something I could get past though, my jealousy, my pride? I'm not sure but right now it wasn't something I was ready to even question. I went out to the lounge room and found Katie on the couch still crying. I sat down beside her and put my arm around her and kissed her forehead.

"Hey it's alright. Look let's cool this off for a while okay? I don't want you thinking about it, stressing about it. Let's just agree that sometime soon we will talk about all this, but for now let's just not worry about it okay?"

Katie leaned her head into my chest and nodded yes.

With only a few months until our second wedding, Katie spent her spare time worrying about the wedding preparations, the reception, the honeymoon. I'm sure part of that was to avoid dealing with the discussion we had put off, and I was happy to not discuss it either.

Our work lives were also hectic, with Katie very much back into the full swing of her job, desperate to make up for lost time. For myself, the current project I was on was time consuming and more than a little stressful, so the last thing either of us wanted was to introduce even more stress into our lives.

With our second wedding it was not a big affair, and we kept it to about fifty people, just close family and friends. The day it came around I was just as nervous as the first time. John fixed my collar as we were about to walk into the wedding hall to do the deed.

"You nervous big guy?"

"A little John, not sure why though."

"You will be fine, just think of the drinking and dancing when the ceremony is done."

"Yeah, hey thanks for everything John, both you and Shani were a big help with preparations for all this."

"Nonsense, I just organized the drinks and the DJ, Shani is the one that spent a shit load of time with Katie and Skye to do everything else. Woman really love this shit."

"Yes they do indeed, Katie so much we are doing it twice."

"Yeah, okay you set? Let's go."

As John and I stood waiting at the front of the hall with the marriage celebrant, and with Shani and Skye standing across from us, the doors opened and in walked Katie, being walked down the isle by my father. She was stunning, I'm not sure how I was ever that lucky to be the love of her life, but I was definitely happy that she was the love of mine.

My father let go of her hand as she got to me, and he gave me a smiling nod as he went and took his seat with my mother and with Katie's mom Beth. Katie was radiant, I could not take my eyes off her.

Once we had each stated our vows to each other, it was time for me to kiss Katie once again as husband and wife. When I looked into her face after our kiss, she had the biggest smile, I'm not sure I'd ever seen Katie look so happy. The rest of the night went off perfectly. I was even able to perform my husbandly duties back in the hotel room that night.

The next week was spent in the Caribbean, laying in the sun, drinking cocktails, dancing and of course fucking. A lot of fucking. Occasionally we would even make love.

We got back to work with a thud, both us straight back into the thick of it. We still found some time for the occasional night out for a meal, the odd Friday night with our friends, or catching a movie on a Saturday night. But for the next two months after we were married we always seemed a bit tired to enjoy our own company as much as we had prior to the wedding.

The only big change for us was that we moved out of the apartment and into a nice two story house, just a suburb away from where Katie's mom lives. This was the house we had been saving for all along, the one that we would have to raise a family in. It had three bedrooms upstairs with a family room and two bathrooms, one as the main bedroom's en suite, while downstairs had the kitchen, laundry and dining room, along with another family room we had turned into our gaming room.

In the back of my mind I knew we still needed to have the conversation that we had put on hold some five moths ago now. We had not used the toys, sleeves or the machine in all that time. It was like we were trying to ignore the whole thing, and a part of me was happy about that.

It was a Monday night, I was a little tired from work having walked in the door at almost 8pm. Katie heated up my dinner and apologized for having already eaten hers, not knowing when I was going to be home. After I had my dinner I went for a shower, and by the time I came back out to the lounge room Katie said she was tired. She gave me a kiss and went off to bed.

I started watching some TV but was a little bored with it, I looked down to the coffee table and noticed Katie's journal, nothing strange about that as she usually leaves it in the lounge room. It had been four or five days since I had last read her journal so I picked it up and found the page from a few days ago and began reading.

Thursday's entry was the usual thoughts and musings by Katie I had become accustomed to in her journal, but the Friday's entry caught my attention. Katie had written that she had contacted Dr Forsyth, and asked her if she could meet, possibly for a catch-up session. She was booked in for Monday afternoon, although Katie never explained why she wanted the follow-up session. I read through the weekend entries but found nothing of real interest.

Then I began to read Monday's entry.

Katie wrote:

Today I went to see Dr Forsyth again, I needed to discuss with her what Greg and I have been avoiding for the last few months. I needed re-assurance that I would be okay about not having to indulge my needs. That where I feared this path would lead us to. Somewhere I did not want to go.

The session did not go as I had planned, and that is under-stating it.

Dr Forsyth got me to explain my fears, and to talk about what that meant and how it would affect Greg and our relationship. I explained that the options we had chosen were not working, that I was not getting from them what I used to with Jake. That I would rather deny myself than ever putting Greg in a position to have to go through that again even if he was willing to.

Ana made it clear to me that by denying myself, I could grow to resent Greg, to again begin hating myself, that I could once again fall into depression if I continued to bury these feelings.

She asked me if I trusted Greg with my life, I told her of course I do.

She asked me if I loved him more than anything or anyone, the answer was yes.

She asked me if I trusted Greg with my thoughts, with my emotions, the answer was yes.

She asked me if Greg had a need that I could not provide him, would I deny him that, the answer was no I would not.

She asked me if Greg's need was sexual satisfaction that I couldn't provide, would I deny him that, the answer was no, I would not.

She asked me how far would I go to allow him that, would I be prepared to let him fuck other women? This was hard to answer but the answer was yes.

Ana then asked me why I would not be prepared to allow Greg to do the same for me. I answered that I could not hurt him again, that I would not.

Dr Forsyth then asked me if that my fear was not only about hurting Greg but was that I feared losing him again. That I did not trust the strength of our relationship to be able to survive me being with Jake.

I agreed, it is not something I am prepared to risk.

Dr Forsyth then told me that I was already prepared to risk my relationship, that I was doing that by doing nothing. She told me I need to have more trust in Greg, to give him the chance to decide our way forward together. That this decision was not mine alone to make.

I don't know what to do. I know Greg is going to read this, and perhaps this is me being cowardly by writing this down, trying to give Greg the trust to help me decide. I fucked up our life together once before, I don't want to fuck this up a second time. I cannot lose Greg again, ever.

.................

I put Katie's journal down and took a deep breath, the discussion we had been avoiding was laid out before me. I understood her concerns. Her fear of losing me again. I also understood where Dr Forsyth was coming from, that this decision was not Katie's alone to make, and that to do nothing could be just if not more harmful as any decision we would actively make together.

I was finally coming to terms with the fact that the only option that was going to really work for Katie was the one option neither of us wanted to choose. I guess Katie had already realized that back before the wedding and has not been prepared to accept it.

The question was, could I? Is this really something I could be okay with? And after all the stress and fears involved for Katie, how would she even be able to enjoy it if I did agree?

It was clear to me that if I was to be okay with it, I had to make sure Katie understood that, to remove any guilt or fear she would have so that this would actually work for her, for us. I just don't know if I'm ready yet to accept that. It did cross my mind that this was just sex we were talking about. It's not an affair, no-one is leaving. We are grown adults who both like sex. Were we making too much of this?

I went to bed and could tell that Katie was not asleep, no doubt she was worried that I may have read her journal, worried about what I would be thinking.

I put my arm around her and snuggled up behind her in a spooning position.

"I love you Katie Johnson, you know that right?"

"Yes, of course."

"No, I mean that I really love you, more than anyone I will ever love."

"That's how I feel about you."

"Good, you know Dr Forsyth was right, that you have to trust in us, and that this decision is not yours to make alone, right?"

"I know, I'm scared Greg. All this just so I can have better sex, how is this fair on you? Why should I be putting you through this?"

"It's not about being fair Katie, and you're right, it is just about you having better sex. But also I'm starting to think that we are making way too much of this. In the end it's just sex, it doesn't define us or our relationship. If for us to be truly happy you need to get your mojo on with Jake every now and then, so what? Is that really all we are? Our ability to give each other orgasms? I don't think so, we're way more than that, way more."

Katie turned her head to me, even in the relative dark I could see the tears in her eyes. She leaned up and kissed me.

"I'm so tired worrying about this Greg, I just don't want to think about it anymore. If we are going to do this, we just need to make a decision one way or the other and then that's it. I just want to move on, with or without Jake being involved."

"Alright, then let's do what we would with anything else, try it once and see how it goes. If we decide we don't want to do it again, then so be it. At least we know we have tried, and that we trusted each other enough to try it."

"Are you sure Greg? We can't undo this once it's done, I can't un-fuck him. It will always be there between us."

"It already was there between us Katie, and where are we now? We're more in love with each other than we have ever been. At least this time we will both be agreeing to this. No guilt, no self-hatred, no jealousy, no fear of losing each other. Just a bit of fun on the side, okay?"

"How can you be so calm and alright with this?"

"Because I love you so much, because I want you to be as happy as you can be. And if a part of making you happy means I have to tag in Jake once in a while, I think I'll be okay with doing that."

"This isn't wrestling Greg, and you two are not a tag-team."

"Maybe I'm craving me some tag-team double penetration with my little queen?"

I started to tickle Katie's ribs. She was laughing and squirming.

"Stop it Greg, please."

I eventually relented and Katie rolled over to face me.

"If this happens, do you want to be there with us? Do you want to watch or be part of it? I know Jake would probably be okay with that."

"No I don't want to watch or join in, definitely not the first time anyway. I would want you to do it here though, no hotels. I want to be here too, if we're doing this I have to own it as well. I don't want to even meet Jake though, I don't want to be his friend or anything like that, no high-fives when he's done. I won't hate him though either and he has nothing to worry about coming here."

"Okay we can work all that out, we don't have to do this right away Greg."

"Anyway, we might be assuming that Jake would want to be part of this, he might say no."

"Don't worry, he would never say no to me."

"Someone is confident in themselves."

'No, it just is what it is. Even if he was married, he would still say yes to me if I asked."

"Okay I believe you. Let me know when your ready to talk about it more, there's no rush okay?"

"Alright, night Greg."

"Good night my little queen."

-------------------------

It has been a couple of weeks since our last discussion where we agreed to invite Jake to join Katie in our bed. Neither of us had mentioned it since, not even in passing. I guess we were both probably a bit nervous and apprehensive about what might happen. It was a Tuesday night and I had arranged to meet Katie after work in a small restaurant not far from where both of us worked in the city.

I walked into the restaurant at about 7pm, Katie was already seated at a table and was half through a glass of wine. I ordered another two glasses and sat down with her.

"Have you ordered the meals yet?"

"Not yet, I should have texted you for your choice, they always take a while here."

"That's okay. How was your day, not as bad as yesterday I hope?"

"Yeah, it was a lot better. Hopefully the work I'm doing will be a bit easier over then next week or two."

"That's good."

I picked up the menu and then we ordered a few minutes later.

"Hey Greg, about what we talked about two weeks ago, you know with Jake."

"Yeah, did you get in touch with him?"

"Well yes. Were you expecting me too?"

"I didn't see how else this would work if you didn't call him."

"Right, of course. Look I'm just nervous about doing this. I really need to know that you're going to be okay with this Greg. I just need to know that."