Love Hurts, Love... Ch. 01

I still jumped as I heard Katey leave slamming the front door behind her. Resting my head on my arms that rested on the table I tried not to cry.

The food forgotten that I was going to cook for our meal with the bottle of wine we both loved still sitting in the fridge I wondered what went wrong. All I did was tell her Paul had proposed to me and then hesitated to say more wanting to gauge her reaction. Looking angry was the last thing I expected before she got up and stormed out of the house.

I just sat there for ages and trying not to think of anything especially the worst that I had lost my very best friend for good.

The descending darkness as storm clouds built up in the sky above seemed to match my mood as I stirred myself and walked upstairs to my bedroom. I was glad my parents were away for the weekend now wanting to be alone to lick my wounds.

It was only 8 I saw by the bedside clock but, still I got ready for bed. Once I was under the sheets I reached for my teddy that sat in the chair by the side of my bed. It had been a long time since I had taken him to bed and I knew I needed him to comfort me now.

Sleep seemed elusive even though I prayed for it as the tears began to slowly fall. I cuddled teddy closer as I moved into a foetal position. All I wanted was for Katey to tell me Paul was not good enough for me or just not to marry him. I would have told her I won't marry him then as the truth was I had no intention of doing so anyway. Not, that Paul wasn't nice but I didn't love him. I expected mum to go ballistic when I tell her but not Katey to react the way she had.

Mum thought Paul would be a good catch. I was never sure if she just wanted me married off and to provide her with grandchildren. She still wonders when Avril my 22 year-old sister is going to have children. She has been married three years and still enjoying her job I know. She and Jeff her husband won't tell mum that though as mum thinks women should have children while they are still young enough to enjoy them. Although more likely, while mum is still young enough to enjoy them too.

The problem was I only went out with Paul as Katey was seeing his mate Kevin. They kiss and that and I guess I could be wrong but sometimes I get the impression Katey is just having a good time more than being serious. She started seeing him three months before my eighteenth birthday. So I sort of hooked up with Paul and we all went around as a foursome when Paul and Kevin weren't playing sports. It wasn't that often we all went together as they even played sports during the evening as well as during the day at weekends. My heart was never in it when Paul and I kissed when we did get the chance to be together. I can't say there is anything bad about Paul as he knows I am a virgin and in no hurry to give it up so won't push me to. I just told him I wanted to be a virgin bride when I married. That would have been true before I turned 18 but, now I have no inclination to either lose my virginity or to get married.

I did wish I could turn back the clock to the start of November last year. Not all good as I wanted my twenty-first and not my eighteenth to be my coming of age party. Mum got her way as like she said I could be married and it wouldn't be the same as well as I could be pregnant or whatever. I didn't want a big bash anyway but mum got her way again hiring the local hall for the Saturday night when everyone could get there.

I was actually 18 the day before and Katey and I decided to have a girl's night out to celebrate. Now I was 18 I could legally drink too so Katey wanted us get drunk. We did and both got as pissed as newts. How we made it home to her house I never knew although I have vague recollections of a taxi somewhere along the line.

Her parents were away which was why we were going to crash out at her place. I can just about remember that we managed to stagger up the stairs holding on to each other although falling over a couple of times. We used the loo although that is a bit vague too. And I think we often forgot her parents weren't there as we stumbled about trying to get undressed. There was a lot of shushing each other and then giggles as we kept getting tangled up in our clothes and falling over. How we did not end up with bruises I hadn't a clue.

I was so far out of it I forgot and stripped off completely as I always slept in the nude. Katey was nude too as we cuddled up. We tried to talk about the evening but our words were slurred so we giggled a lot. I did somehow manage to ask Katey why her room was spinning. She didn't know and wished it would stop which led to more giggles. Katey made me worse as the drunker she had got the more giggly she got which set me off.

Then she thought we had better sleep and I agreed as even my head seemed to be spinning when I closed my eyes. Katey thought a goodnight kiss first so I agreed. We often gave each other a peck on the lips as we had always been close ever since infant school.

This kiss went deeper and soon we were French kissing each other. I even started to sober up a bit. Katey said "mmmmm that was nice" and then turned on her back and before I could agree she was soon asleep. All I could do was lay there and try to come to terms with the fact that although I had always loved Katey as my friend I was in love with her now. What I could not fathom out was whether I suddenly felt that way or it always been slowly growing there deep inside me.

The next morning I awoke first and could feel the overwhelming love I now knew I had for her while I watched her sleep as she was facing me. We did smile and greet and give each other the usual peck when she woke up. I admitted my head thumped a bit too when she told me hers did and asked if I was the same. I did look for signs that she felt the same about me while we lay there looking at each other. It made me wonder if she was doing the same too but I was too afraid to make a move in case I was wrong and she didn't love me the same.

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I felt like yesterday's leftovers the next morning after finally managing to get some sleep. Teddy and the pillow I noticed were still a bit damp from where I had cried most of the night. I forced myself to get up and get dressed after a shower. I had no appetite so filled up on coffee. Even then I felt like death warmed up so grabbed a cigarette and went outside to smoke it. I was trying to give up and was doing well up to this moment in time. I tried not to think of Katey but it was so hard.

Paul popped around that morning before he went off to play football with Kevin and their other mates. He asked if I fancied going out that night so I told him I wasn't feeling too good. He thought he would come round and keep me company so I fobbed him off with the excuse I was going back to bed. I knew I was being a coward and would have to tell him I didn't want to see him again. I didn't want to go out and run into Katey either as that would hurt me too much.

The next morning I wasn't feeling much better. I was just glad my parents returned late so I pretended to be asleep when mum looked in. I wasn't hungry but forced myself to have two slices of toast so mum didn't guess how I felt. In ways I was glad to be heading for work and having a smoke as I needed one. Mum would only have a go if she saw me as she thought it was a bad habit.

At least my mind-numbing work would take my mind off Katey for a while. I was a Data Entry Clerk and the only job I could get after leaving school. The money wasn't that good either. I wanted to be a computer operator like Katey but I only had two O levels. Katey had the four needed so I didn't get a job working with her or any other place when I tried. That did make me feel bad and was sure Katey had to think less of me although she never said. She had always been the cleverer one and at 6 weeks older than me I had always looked up to her.

Katey was a couple of inches taller than my 5 feet 3. We were both size 12 but with her dark hair and green eyes I always thought she was beautiful. I guess I was pretty as my hair was fair and I had light blue eyes and I am told I am. And if I am truthful Katey seems to grow more beautiful each day to my eyes.

For the end of April the weather was still quite showery but it suited my mood. I got a bit wet on the way to work but I didn't care. Nothing really mattered much now I knew as Katey had not even phoned yesterday.

Mum asked what was wrong that evening as I picked at my food. I told her I was fine. She told me I did not look it but there was not much I could say to that. After I helped clear up I told her I was just going for a walk. I saw the look as she saw me as I grabbed my keys and fags from my handbag.

I ended up over the park just sitting on the swing. I just tried to concentrate on the swaying as I moved gently back and forth and not wanting to think of anything else. I was sure my life felt that it was at its end or as good as without Katey there. I cursed myself for thinking of her as the tears silently fell. I didn't try and stop them and just grabbed another cigarette.

The rest of the week went pretty much the same. Paul had called round mum said Thursday evening when I got in from my walk and told me he seemed disappointed I wasn't home. She said he would see me Sunday. I just nodded and after wishing my parents goodnight I went up to bed. It was hard to get to sleep each night but I did prefer to lie in bed and not see anyone.

Paul came round Sunday evening so I took him into the dining-room. I finally managed to tell him I no longer wanted to see him. He thought there was someone else so I told him there wasn't and just wanted time to myself. He asked if I knew what happened to Katey as she and Kevin had not been out lately. I had to admit I had no idea. I asked what Kevin said and Paul said he couldn't get much out of him except Katey had been busy. Probably with her work I told him if she was working overtime as she sometimes did. Paul thought that could be possible. He did tell me if I changed my mind about us to let him know. I told him I would and kissed his cheek before I saw him out.

Mum wanted to know where we were going out so I had to tell her I had finished with Paul. Dad looked sad while mum wanted to know why so I told her I did not love him. Mum thought I would grow to love him as he would make a good husband as well as a good father she was sure. "Probably" I told her then said goodnight and went to bed. I heard mum say it was still early as I made my way up to my room.

The next day at work as the weather had started to turn warmer I went across to the park dinner-time. I wasn't really hungry but did make the effort to eat the sandwiches mum had made. After another cigarette I lay back and closed my eyes and tried not to think of anything.

Mum was still a bit funny that night. I still picked at my food while she gave me strange looks. I knew she was still upset about me dumping Paul. There had been little digs that morning but I had just looked at her not hiding the hurt. I really did not need this while I was hurting so bad inside with the loss of Katey.

Somehow I made it through another week of work. Saturday after helping mum do housework and having lunch I told her I was going over to the water-meadow when she asked where I was going. It was a mile hike but lots of families and kids went over there for picnics and that. Once I got there I crossed the stepping-stones in the stream and went and lay down under the shade of the willow tree. Some of the kids played that side of the stream where there was a narrow strip of grass but they left people well alone. There was a slight bank too where I liked to lay so even people strolling along the top never bothered me when I wanted to be on my own.

I was back there Sunday afternoon wanting to be alone again. There were lots of families there but hardly anyone near my favourite place. I sat there and watch them for a while as I smoked a cigarette. It was funny in a way I guess as I used to sit and watch them and thought about when I had my own kids but now it held no real appeal. Not that I wouldn't mind kids but now I wasn't going to marry it was no longer important I had any.

I tossed the cigarette butt in the stream and watched it float away before I just concentrated on watching the water flow past. I did see legs appear opposite and thought probably just some girl watching me. Then I looked up and saw Katey. I had to blink twice sure I was imagining things. It was her though. I felt my lips tremble and bit on my hand trying to fight the tears I knew were welling up. It was a losing battle so I just curled up in a foetal position and cried my eyes out.

I thought she had gone until I heard her say "Dawn" my name. I thought she was still the other side of the stream until she said my name again from close by. Then I felt her lie down beside me and pull me over before she cuddled me to her front. I was loathe to tell her to go away wanting to feel this moment even though I knew it would probably make me feel worse when she left.

When I finally managed to lift up enough I saw she had cried too. I did lift up my hand enough and gently wipe away some of the tears from her eyes. I asked why she cried but she shook her head. I asked was it my fault for making her angry with me the other week. She told me she wasn't angry and then conceded that she was perhaps a little bit but she was more upset. I asked because I told her Paul proposed. She nodded. I told her if she was in love with him and not Kevin she should have told me and I would have given him up for her. She asked if I thought she could really be in love with Paul. I admitted nothing else seem to make sense when I tried to think of what had I done to upset her. I told her then if she had told me he was not good enough or she didn't want me to marry him for some reason or other I wouldn't. She asked didn't I love him and was that why I had finished with him. I did gasp but then realised Paul had probably told Kevin. I told her I didn't love him and never had. As she wanted to know why I went with him I confessed it was because she was going with Kevin and I didn't want to lose her friendship.

I felt a bit confused when I tried to think things out so I asked her if she loved Paul and she shook her head. I asked "Kevin?" and she shook her head again which left me even more confused. She asked who I loved so I told her I couldn't tell her. I hadn't meant to say that and cursed myself for putting my mouth into gear before engaging brain. Katey asked why not so I told her I couldn't say while I tried to think of how to dig myself out of this hole I had made.

After a moment she said she thought we were friends. I told her we are although I did not think I deserved her for upsetting her like that. She told me she should not have got upset like that and had a miserable two weeks and asked if I forgave her. I told her I forgave her and admitted this had been the worst two weeks of my life without her and asked if she forgave me too. She said she did so I cuddled her and loved she cuddled me back.

When I looked at her she asked if I was going to tell her who it was I loved. I shook my head and told her I couldn't. She asked "was it Kevin?" so I shook my head. She asked "Simon?" I told her that was an even worse thought which made her smile so I smiled back. I moved my head back a bit further to watch her. She said "Jason?" so I shook my head. She asked if it was "Peter?" and then "Michael?" in quick succession and I shook my head each time. Then she said "Katey" and I looked at her and hesitated.

"Well I do love you as you are my best friend" I told her hoping to disarm her.

"Yeah, but that's not why you hesitated was it" she asked softly. I tried to look at the stream while I tried to think of an answer. I panicked a bit as I couldn't think of one and that worried me as she would probably never talk to me again. I did turn enough but kept my eyes down and plucked at a couple of blades of grass. When she put her finger under my chin I did not stop her lifting my head up but I could not look at her. "Look at me" she asked softly so hesitantly I did.

"Do you love me?" she asked. I was sure I was going to lose her anyway as I doubted I could hide it for ever. I gave just a slight nod. I saw it register in her eyes before she held my chin and then moved her mouth to mine. More than a peck but I still felt the loss wanting to taste more of her lips when she moved back a little. I told her I was sorry. She asked for what. So I told her for loving her. She told me not to be as she loved me too. I shook my head and told her I loved her more than just as a friend. I was still sure the axe was going to fall sometime. She told me she loved me the same. I did look at her but I guess I was feeling too unsure that she could love me the same. Usually I could tell her moods but the way she had acted two weeks ago her mood of being angry and upset completely threw me so I was no longer so sure.

It was a moment before she moved her fingers from my chin and slid her hand round to the back of the neck. "Perhaps this will help" she told me and before I could wonder what she meant her mouth swooped down on mine. Hard at first before she softened the kiss. When her tongue moved between my lips I opened my mouth to invite her in. While her tongue explored I forgot where I was and just held her tight to me. We kissed for ages before we needed to come up for air. She was just as bad as me I saw as we both gasped to draw much needed air into our lungs. When we could speak she asked if that was as good as last time. "Even better" I told her before I realized what I had said. She beamed at me before she told me "you remembered then". I confessed I had never forgotten.

She finally asked why I said nothing the next morning so I admitted I was too afraid to in case she did not love me the same way. She told me she was the same and then asked when I knew I loved her so I admitted after the kiss. I told her not that I hadn't loved her but for the first time realized I was in love with her. I asked when she fell in love with me and she told me years ago. I asked why she dated Kevin then and she admitted to see if she could love a boy if she couldn't have me and then I dated Paul. I told her a lot of time wasted. She thought so too but then she passed out after that kiss and shouldn't have drunk so much. I thought she went to sleep but she told me I now knew different so I nodded in agreement.

Katey seemed to think about something and finally asked why did I really tell her about Paul's proposal if I had no intention of marrying him. I did blush a bit. I told her it was the truth that I wanted her to tell me not to marry Paul. When she looked confused I admitted I wanted to gauge her reaction if she did not tell me not to marry Paul because she loved me. I did tell her the reaction I got completely threw me and the last two weeks have been the worst two weeks of my life. She told me they were hers too.

I suddenly thought about it and asked how she knew I was here. She told me she called round to see me as she had missed me so much. And, even before my mum could tell her she was sure she knew where I was and that I would be in our favourite spot. I did nod and then asked where we went from here. She told me she would prefer bed which made me blush but both sets of parents were home.

I did look around and blushed again as I saw we had an audience of some young boys. Katey saw me blush and looked to see where I was looking. She thought we should go somewhere private. I wondered about walking downstream to our other favourite place and Katey agreed.

When we stood I tentatively held out my hand and felt relieved when Katey took it. I moved closer and told her I loved her. She kissed my lips and told me she loved me too and asked if that made me feel better. I nodded feeling close to tears with the intensity of the love I felt for her.