Love is Damn Hard

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The next Saturday, when I knew Kate wasn't working, I went to their house. I made sure to park up the street and carry a large bunch of flowers. I knocked on the door and held the flowers up in front of my face so that they couldn't tell who I was. Kate answered.

"Flowers for Kate." I said it with a strange accent while staying behind the flowers, thinking she couldn't tell it was me. She knew.

"Take your flowers and shove them up your ass, John." The door slammed closed before I could do anything else. I stood there for a second hoping the door would open again, but finally put the flowers down on the ground and left them with a note. I had thought about the note for a long time until I remembered a poem from college that I liked. I could only hope that she would read it. I had no idea what to do to get back in her good graces.

I went home. My mother was there and commiserated with me.

Over the next couple of weeks I realized that I missed Kate more than I had originally wanted to admit, and that was a lot. She had all the similar characteristics that had drawn me to Paige, but actually had been falling in love with me. And I threw it away. I tried everything I could, but to no avail. Now it was almost September and since I had been accepted at the University of Illinois for graduate school, I had to leave to get up there. I tried one more time by writing a letter to Kate about my plans and how I still wanted to see her. It was returned unopened.

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So I moved up to Champaign to start graduate school and got settled in. I still called Kate's cell number once a day, leaving a message sometimes, until I guess she had finally had enough and the recording said the number didn't exist. She must have gotten a new number.

My mother called me in October and told me that the Johansson's had moved. She drove by there the other day just to see if Paige and Kate were still around and the house was empty with a For Sale sign in front.

That was the final dagger in that relationship. Unfortunately, in that short time I had really come to care for Kate. She had gotten under my skin more than I initially cared to admit and this final nail in the coffin really hurt. I guess there was always this belief in the back of my head that I would be able to apologize, get her to accept it, and we could get back together. I never quit hoping for that. Damn, so maybe this is what it really means to be in love.

So I did what every other guy I knew who had this happen to them. I went out and got drunk.

After my dance with the demon alcohol that night, I buried myself in my work to make sure I got a good start in graduate school. My undergraduate degree was in thermodynamics and fluid mechanics, but now I was getting a Master's in Computer Science. I had some catching up to do and it showed in my first data structures class. I had a hard time keeping up with some of the assignments dealing with walking randomized binary trees and such. But I got by.

I was going to have little time for fun until I felt comfortable with everything so I decided to just work through the coursework and concentrate on that for this period. I would wait until Christmas to have fun.

When I finished my finals and finally headed home, I was exhausted. I had studied hard to make sure I got the best grades I could. I got home on the 18th and my mother was definitely happy to see me. I walked into my old bedroom and was once again struck by how small it was.

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The first thing I did was go by Kate's house. It had been sold by now and there was somebody else living there. I saw the new family come out and get into a minivan. It was a family with three little girls between the ages of about 3 and 9. They all looked cute and I just stared until they left. No Kate around here.

I asked around with some folks that knew them, but either they didn't know where the Johansson's had gone or they had been pre-briefed not to tell me.

On the 22nd, my friend Roger called, and we got together at one of the bars. Even the smallest town in this area of southern Illinois usually had at least three watering holes.

Roger gave me a hand shake and one-armed man hug. "How's it hangin', dude?"

I smiled. "Limp as a wet noodle, Roger."

"What, don't they have women up at that school?"

"Yeah, they have them. I was just so busy trying to get caught up with being back in the academic world and get a good start that I concentrated on classes."

"Yeah, I figured. What about Miss Kate?"

I hung my head a little. "Yeah, well, that ended badly, as you know. Now she's changed cell phone numbers and the whole family has moved. I can't find any sign of her. Even her Facebook page is gone. I guess that's that."

"Yeah, and you were really starting to like her, huh?"

"Man, she got under my skin fast. She was like Paige, but better. She was nicer, more intelligent, more fun, and I - I don't know - I just really fell for her."

"Like in loved her?" Roger looked at me questioningly.

Roger was my best friend, so I figured I might as well admit it. "Yeah, I think so. The time period was so short, it's hard to believe, but I think so. And the worst part is that I never told her that."

Roger clapped me on the back and looked up as the waitress arrived. "We need two beers and two shots of Tequila. My man here needs to get over a girl."

The waitress grinned at that and looked at me. "Okay, then. What kind of beer?"

Roger looked at me. I shrugged. "Who cares, it's just to cut and chase the Tequila. How about Michelob Ultra?"

"Okay." She left.

So Roger and I tied one on and somehow he got me home. I guess he didn't drink as much as I did, because I was completely incapable of driving.

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It was the 27th and I was just cleaning up from breakfast when I got a call on my cell.

"Hello?" I didn't recognize the number.

"John? It's Paige." I guess she still had my cell number even though she and Kate had changed theirs.

"Hey, stranger. How are you guys doing?" I wanted to go straight to the subject of Kate, but I was afraid.

"Not well. Uhhhh, you know we moved right?"

She sounded tense and a little scared, but if she was calling me, at least she was getting over what I did to Kate. "Yes. What is it Paige?"

"Look, we moved to Missouri on the west side of St. Louis. My dad got a job offer and we all came over here to also look for jobs. I think Kate wanted to get out of there and it was a good time for Tony and me to try to get set up in the suburbs of the city. Anyway," she hesitated for a second, "Kate's in the hospital."

"What?!? Where? Can I come see her?" I was imagining all sorts of bad things; car accident, pedestrian accident, meningitis.

There was a moment of silence. "Do you really still have feelings for her?"

"Yes!" I said it quickly and immediately. I think she was surprised by the speed and volume of my answer, but it was fast and showed that I didn't think about it, so at least she knew I wasn't fibbing.

"Okay, look. She's in Barnes Jewish West County Hospital. It's over here by Washington University."

"What happened, Paige?" There was more silence and I could almost hear her thinking over whether or not she should tell me. "Paige, I'm coming over there, so you might as well tell me so I'll know when I get there."

"She was raped and beaten." Paige said it quietly and quickly.

I was stunned. That was the last thing I was thinking of. "Can I come right now?"

More silence. "Do you think you should?"

"I won't come if you don't think I should, Paige. I don't want to intrude, but I really did fall for your sister. I know it started out by me being an asshole and trying to get back at you, but she's so amazing and wonderful I couldn't help it. Please let me see her."

"Just a sec." There was murmuring in the background and I think she was discussing it with the rest of the family.

Finally, a voice came back on and I knew it was her mother. "John, this is Mrs. Johansson. I don't want Kate getting upset or anything so please wait until we get there about 1pm, okay?"

"Sure, Mrs. Johansson. If I get there earlier, I'll just wait in the cafeteria."

"Okay, goodbye." She hung up the phone.

I rushed into my bathroom to shower and get ready. I showered, shaved, and was dressed in about 15 minutes. I hopped in my car and drove to I-64 to get to St. Louis. I made the drive to the hospital in about an hour, reliving several times that mistake I had made when I was angry with Paige. Fucking pride.

When I got there, it was only 11am. I had two hours to kill. Since I wasn't family, I probably couldn't get in until they were there anyway. I went to the cafeteria and got something to drink. It was a nice hospital. I wondered where the attack took place and where the Johansson's lived that Kate ended up here. I sat and waited. I got up and walked around. I went outside for a few minutes for fresh air. I was so damn anxious I couldn't sit down. Finally, at 1pm, the Johansson's showed up at the entrance to the cafeteria. I leapt up from the fifth chair I had sat in and walked over to them quickly. Paige looked upset but Mrs. Johansson looked perfect and beautiful. Their father was not with them.

"Hi, Paige, Mrs. Johansson. I'm sorry we had to see each other again under these circumstances." I had rehearsed that line for an hour.

Paige stared at me but Mrs. Johansson moved forward and gave me a hug. "Thank you. I always liked you John. I hope you have learned your lesson about how not to treat my daughter."

I felt ashamed and I could feel my face get hot. "Yes, ma'am." I couldn't say anything else.

"Okay, let's go." She led us toward the elevators and then selected the floor Kate was on. She didn't speak again until the doors started closing. "John, you should know that my husband refused to come here and meet with you today. He is very angry with you. You see, Kate became very morose, moody, and angry after you two had your little - thing." She waved her hand with a flick of her wrist. "She took it out on us at first, and then started going out and keeping the wrong company, if you know what I mean. It appears that the group who attacked her was not pleased that she would not have sex with them."

I gulped at that. "Them" meant a lot.

She continued. "There were five guys there and she was supposedly on a date with one. When the bar was closing, the bartender locked the door and her date told her she needed to 'entertain' his friends." She turned to look at me and I must have looked shocked. Meanwhile, she was speaking in a very matter of fact tone. "Yes, shocking, I know, but not unheard of. We all need to be strong for Kate and if she says she does not want you around or if I think that you will interfere with her getting better, I will bar you from seeing her. Do you understand?" She turned to face me and stared hard at me.

"Yes, ma'am, I understand. I want nothing for Kate but for her to recover."

Mrs. Johansson patted me on the arm. "That's what I thought."

We got off the elevator and walked to Kate's room. Mrs. Johansson stopped outside Kate's door. "John, stay here until I think she's ready. Also, just to let you know, she's been beaten up pretty well. Please don't look shocked or she will feel badly about her appearance. Her self-esteem is very fragile right now."

"Yes, ma'am." I tried to imagine what I was going to see, but I waited outside. I waited and waited. Finally, after about 20 minutes, Paige opened the door and waved me in.

I entered and got my first look at Kate. She had bandages around her head and covering half her face. Her face looked swollen even where it wasn't bandaged. Somebody had really done a job on her. She watched me closely with her one eye that was uncovered, her right. I gave her a weak smile and walked up to the left side of her bed. I noticed that her right hand was wrapped up, but not her left, so I headed to that side. I couldn't tell if she was staring or glaring. I was hoping to take her hand and hold it to comfort her - and me.

"Hey, Kate. I've been trying to get in touch with you for a while." I reached for her hand, but she pulled it back. I awkwardly put my hand back at my side.

"Well, here I am. You have a captive audience." Her voice was weak and cracked.

I thought she might be trying to be a little funny, but it may be that she was still angry. Mrs. Johansson and Paige were not leaving so I had to just say what I wanted to say with them there. I tried to speak softly, but I'm sure they heard most of it.

"Kate, I still need to properly apologize to you for my actions last summer. I thought all I wanted to do was hurt Paige, but then I found that I was falling for you. You were everything I had ever dreamed of in a woman. When I hurt you, I realized how much I cared for you. I'm very, very sorry and hope that you can forgive me and let me make it up to you."

There was dead silence for a few seconds as she stared at me with her one uncovered eye. Then she gestured with her finger for me to move closer. I leaned over and was about a foot from her so she could whisper in my ear. "Get out."

I froze, and then stood up. I looked at Mrs. Johansson and Paige. They hadn't heard it and were looking at me inquisitively. I looked back down. "As you wish, Kate." I leaned over and whispered into her ear. "I do love you."

I stood back up and watched tears form in her eyes. She raised her left hand a little and pointed toward the door. I hung my head and left. I stood outside leaning against the hallway wall for a few moments trying to collect my thoughts and where this left me. I was devastated by the way she did that. I guess I deserved it, but I had hoped she would forgive me.

I was still there when Paige came out. She looked sheepish. "Sorry. I thought she might react better to seeing you."

I sighed. "Guess not." I stood up straight. "Okay, I have to go. I can see that there's nothing here for me. You tell Kate that I did fall in love with her, it just took me a while to figure it out."

Paige's eyes were big and round as she stared at me. "Did you tell her that?"

"Yes, just now. She told me to get out."

Paige was still staring. "Sorry." She put her hand on my arm. "Will you be okay?"

I inhaled and exhaled deeply. "I hope so. I've never felt like this, not even with you. It appears you were right to go out with Tony."

Paige smiled and stepped forward and hugged me. I guess all was forgiven from her side. If only Kate had done so. "You take care."

"Okay, you know my address and phone number if you need to get in touch. I've got to go. I can't hang around here anymore. My emotions are all over the place."

Paige gave me a weak smile. "I know. I hope you have a happy new year."

"You, too." I turned and left.

All the way home in the car I beat myself up at the way I had handled my relationship with Kate. Shit, I acted like an asshole and got just what I deserved. This love shit is just too hard.

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I was studying hard, but finding more time to have fun in Champaign during the next semester. I tried dating a couple of women, but one was an undergraduate who was 20 and she was so naïve about the world that I felt like I was dating a child. The other was okay and we went out a few times. We even had sex, but both of us could tell it was just for fun. After a while she moved on. In April, about a month before I got out, my mother called and told me that the trial for the men who attacked Kate would start in May. She said that the police had all the perpetrators because Kate had fought so hard and tough that she had scratched, clawed, and injured most of them and that the person who called in the report had taken pictures. Evidently, the only thing that saved Kate from a worse fate was that a woman who couldn't find her phone on the way home figured she had left it on a table in the back of the bar. She and a friend went back to the bar to get it, but found the door locked. They went to a side window to see if anyone was there because the lights were still on and saw the guys beating and attempting to rape Kate as she fought. The woman's friend immediately called the police and then started taking photos with her phone. They got enough for all the guys to be recognized and when the police got there, all the guys, including the bartender, were still present. I got so angry as she told me the story that I couldn't work for an hour afterward. It was ridiculous that 5 guys and a bartender would even imagine they could do that, much less actually try it and think they could get away with it.

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I arrived home in May and said hello to all my friends. My mother gave me an update on the trial, which had started, and how it was going. She didn't know much, so I headed over to see. There was no way I could stay away from seeing these guys. I told myself to control my anger, but it was going to be hard.

I managed to get into the courtroom, but just barely. This wasn't a heavily attended trial, but there were some reporters and other various interested parties there. I had to watch as the defense attorney for two of the guys tried to grill Kate. She did well. She looked much better than when I last saw her, obviously, but she had a scar on one cheekbone that I know wasn't there before. The two guys just looked like two average guys, except that they obviously didn't think that women were people. I wondered how they treated their mothers. Did they disrespect their own mothers?

I managed to control my anger and watch until that day's part was over. I was leaving and had just made it to the parking lot when Paige spotted me.

"John!" She was hurrying toward me as I was just starting to cross the parking lot to my car.

I stopped and let her catch up. "Hey, Paige. How is she doing?" I didn't disguise my interest as being mainly her sister.

"She's doing a lot better. What are you doing here?"

"I guess I wanted to see her again and also to see if these guys were going to get hammered."

Paige smiled. "They are going to get put away good. There is too much evidence and Kate cooperated fully even though she was initially cowed by having to discuss in court what happened. But she has proven how tough she is by taking everything they can throw at her and being strong. I think they are going away for a long time."

"Good. I hope Kate does well. Don't tell her I was here. I don't want to upset her."

Paige looked at me closely. "I'll wait until everything is over; if that's what you want."

I shrugged. "I just want what's best for Kate."

Paige suddenly grabbed me and gave me a big hug and then held me at arm's length. "I know. She knows it, too. She's just scared, has this to worry about, and is not too fond of men right now."

"Listen, Paige, I want to thank you for thinking of me and well, not being angry any more for what I did to Kate."

Paige smiled. "You're welcome, John. And maybe she will realize what she's missing later."

I shrugged again. "And maybe not. Once this is over, just tell her I wish her the best."

Paige looked at me sadly. "Okay, John. You have a good life, too."

We said goodbye and I left, feeling like maybe I was getting some closure on this.

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The trial went well and all of the men were convicted. They averaged 20 years because of the severity of the beating on top of attempted rape. Evidently, only one guy actually penetrated Kate because she was such a fireball of energy and fought so well. Good for her.

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I went back to school and finished my Master's in Computer Science. It had now been a year since I'd seen Kate in that courtroom. I called Paige every so often just to see how Kate was doing. She had some trauma after the attack and was seeing a therapist. She looked for and found work, but Paige didn't say where.