Love Letters in the Attic Ch. 01

I erupted in pain, bolted to the bathroom and deposited the contents of my stomach as if they were propelled from a fire hose. I had indeed been utterly betrayed; the woman that I thought loved me more than anyone else in the world had trashed our wedding vows, had disrespected me and had shown that she really couldn't have loved me, at least not the way I loved her. Her actions proved to me that she had thrown away her respect for me as her lover and as her best friend, and she had lied about it for at least four years. I was so mad that if she had walked into the room at that moment, I would have strangled her.

The ironic part of this was those two months prior to this rough patch, we had discussed starting a family, and she had told me that she wanted to have kids and be a stay-at-home mother, showering them with love and guidance.

I remembered confronting her mid-February, asking her why she was retreating from our marriage. She was cold, our sex life had become almost nonexistent, as had our communication. She would mope around the house, avoid eye contact, avoid hugs and kisses. I remember telling her that she needed to tell me what was going on and that this was not how I was willing to live. She looked at me, trying to hold back the tears and told me between the stress of work and the idea of starting a family she was struggling but she swore she still loved only me, and then she ran off crying to our bedroom. Now in retrospect, the statement that she "loved only me" was a pretty major red flag that evidently held a great amount of hidden meaning.

I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, and had to get the hell out of there. I definitely didn't want her coming home then, as my anger would only lead to a horribly ugly scene and I was not yet ready to confront her with her betrayal and what the consequences would be. I didn't even know what the consequences would be, and I knew I was going to have to read all the letters and gather as much information as I could before I could confront her. I grabbed the letters, our family computer, my car keys and wallet, and decided I would drive over to Jerry's house and start drinking away my sorrow.

I pulled up to Jerry's house, rang the bell and then walked right in. He was on the couch, drinking a beer, snacking on some chips, and he looked over and said, "Hey man, grab a beer and join me. There are three guys in contention going into the 17^th hole!"

"You got anything stronger than beer?" I practically cried out my statement, and Jerry got off the couch, came over and took a hard look into my face.

"Man, if you had a dog, I would guess it died. Why so glum, my friend? Hold that thought while I grab the Patron and a couple of shot glasses. What the hell is happening, Jimmy?"

I sank into the couch, dropped my shoulders, hunched over and started to cry. "My whole life is one big lie, Jerry! Diane had an affair, or maybe is still having one. She fucked some guy who she must have worked with named Jake, and the only reason I know is that the asshole sent her love letters, which must mean something special to her because she hid them in a box in the attic with some of her college papers. I haven't read all of them yet, but I've seen enough to be pretty damn sure that she cheated on me and is either still doing so, or at the least has covered it up for more than half our married life." I broke into a shaking, sobbing mess for a few minutes, only to be interrupted by the shots of tequila that Jerry was handing me. I told Jerry the story of finding them in the attic and what the first few letters said.

"Damn, James, that is cold. I can't believe Diane would do that to you. If there was any couple that I figured was so in love that they were in it for the long haul, it was you and Diane. Are you sure it's what you think it is? Have you talked to her to understand her side of the story and confirm what really is going on?

"Hell no. I'm so angry and upset that I can't even think straight, much less confront her. I still need to read the rest of the letters and see if I can figure out who the asshole is, and if I talked to her right now I would either say or do something that would for sure destroy us both."

The tequila started to calm my body down as I slowly sipped my third shot, enjoying the burn as it went down my throat and warmed my stomach. "Oh man, Jerry, what am I going to do? My family is my life, and I'm afraid that there is no going back to what we had and what we were. That fucking bitch, how could she do this to me?"

"Hey, James, don't go postal yet. You don't know all the facts. You haven't talked to her. Maybe it was just a fantasy game she was playing with some guy, or maybe there is more of a story to it. You need to get it together so you can eventually have the discussion that tells you what, and maybe more importantly, why."

"Shit, no way I can face her, right now I want to strangle her."

"Jimmy, try and relax. You can stay here as long as you need to and get your questions and plan together before you confront her, but you know for sure you are going to have to tell her where you are, at least, so she doesn't call out the friends, parents, employers, and police to look for you. Maybe you should let me see these letters, and make sure it's as bad as you are imagining."

With a sigh I got up from the couch, grabbed the five letters and handed him the first two. "Here, Jerry, start with these; I guess I need to read the others and get ready to call a lawyer, the bank, the credit card company, the cell phone company.... Oh, shit, all the stuff you read about when a husband gets betrayed and gets ready to leave his wife."

"Jimmy, slow down. For now, you just need to get your shit together and get ready to talk with Diane." Jerry sat back down and opened up the first letter and started reading it. I realized he was right; I needed to understand exactly what the letters said and how I felt before I could confront Diane about her cheating and hear her side of the story. If the worst was true, and she had been or still was cheating on me, then we were done, but I had to know how I could keep Beth and still have enough money to set up a home for her.

With a sigh, I grabbed the next letter and opened it up as if it contained anthrax.

February 15^th, 2016:

Diane,

You have redefined the meaning of a business trip. It was like heaven on earth to spend two nights with you in Atlanta, and be able to spend the entire evening in your bed, making love to you. Your incredible passion and your wanton lust keep me hard and ready to go all night. I know you can't be possibly getting that same spark with your husband, or why would you be with me? I know you feel the same way I do; there is more than just incredible sex between us. I can feel your love when I am in your arms. We fit together like two soulmates destined to be together forever. Diane, I know you are feeling some guilt, and you get mad at me if I bring up your husband. But I think you know that I can do things to you that he never does, and that I bring out the wild side in you. I have fallen in love with you, Diane, and I think you might love me, too. I will take as much of you as I can get, but I beg you to think about leaving him and being with me. I'll love you forever.

Jake

I remembered the work trip out of town to Atlanta that Diane had taken. I remembered how excited she was to be going on her first business trip and how she felt so recognized that the company had enough faith and respect for her work that they were sending her to support the project leader. God, what a crock of shit. I couldn't remember ever hearing about a co-worker named Jake, but it seemed pretty sure that she was acting as an administrative support person on whatever project he had been assigned to. I remember when she returned that she was distant and quiet, and was lost in thought for several nights at home as we sat and watched TV or ate dinner together. I asked her what was up and she just said she was tired from the trip and stressed out at work, but that everything would work out soon.

I threw the letter on the coffee table for Jerry to read, and bolted up to grab my computer. As I glanced over at Jerry, I could see his disbelief and disgust after reading the first two letters. "Man, Jimmy, this really is shitty. I can only imagine how betrayed you feel. I'm so sorry, man." He picked up the third letter and started to read it.

I signed onto our computer and went into Diane's emails and any personal folders I could find, and didn't find anything suspicious. I went into her Facebook page and looked through her friends, and there was no Jake listed. She had left her job right after having Beth, and told me she just wanted to stay home, take care of Beth and me and be the best mom and wife she could be.

I knew finances would be tight, but I also favored having her stay with the baby and not having to use daycare, at least until the school years started. My career was solid with a large manufacturing base in town, and I knew my experience would lead to bigger and better jobs, so eventually we wouldn't be struggling. Besides, I thought begrudgingly, I would do anything for Diane. Now I was feeling my love slowly dying and turning into hate. It was if I was in a bad nightmare, none of it made sense and I was struggling to understand how Diane, my best friend and the love of my life, could possibly deceive me like this.

The tequila was numbing my senses and my brain, but I picked up the fourth letter and pushed myself on, like a man on his last walk to the gallows. My hands shook and my eyes teared up again as I unfolded the letter and read:

February 27 2016

Diane, when you called me late in the afternoon after everyone had left and asked me to come into conference room A, I was worried about what you were going to tell me. I wasn't sure if this was one of those "We have to talk" moments, and I prayed that wasn't it. I prayed that you felt the same way about me as I do about you. I am hopelessly in love with your mind, your body and your spirit. I know this has been hard for you and you are dealing with guilt, but please look beyond that to your happiness. You deserve this, and you deserve me as I do you.

When I entered the conference room and you told me to close the door, bent over the conference table and lifted your dress, showing me that you had no panties and you were already dripping wet, I gasped for breath and shuddered. Your beautiful shaven pussy was so tasty and as I entered you, I could tell you had your first orgasm, but certainly not the last. Thank you for making a memory that will never leave me.

Jake

I put down the letter and screamed a primeval yelp that scared Jerry right out of his seat. I grabbed the Patron and drank heavily right from the bottle, then jumped up and walked out the back door into the yard. I had never felt so utterly alone and destroyed in my life.

It was now past six PM, and I was very drunk, as was Jerry. He was fumbling with the propane grill, promising to put a few steaks on and open a really good bottle of wine, one he said that would be appropriate to toast my marriage goodbye, assuming that was the way I was headed. I was pretty messed up, but looked hard at Jerry and spit out with a growl, "Fucking right, man. No way I can stay with that bitch after this. I can't even believe it's my Diane who is in those letters. Or really, I guess she may never have been my Diane."

"Take it slow and easy, Jimmy. This is going to be a marathon to the end and you are going to need to formulate a plan on where you want to land before you leap. You can stay here as long as you need to; you're certainly too messed up to drive home tonight, anyway. Tomorrow we can deal with the reality of what to do, but for now, let's toast." Jerry handed me a glass of Merlot, looked me in the eyes, clinked our glasses, and said, "Brothers through good times and bad. May the good in the future outshine the bad of the present!"

"Amen, brother," I replied as my phone rang. I look down and saw it was Diane. I looked at Jerry and said, "Shit man, I can't deal with this now!"

"Just act drunk and say nothing other than you are too drunk to drive home and you are staying here. This isn't the time for a confrontation"

I answered the call with an aggressive, "What's up Diane?"

"Jimmy, where the hell are you. I have dinner ready and I was hoping for a nice family meal tonight. Also, Beth is pretty worn out and I was hoping to make passionate love to my husband and see if we can make a baby. I love you so much, Jimmy, please come home and be with me."

"You love me, huh? Yeah, right. Anyway, Diane, I'm too fucked up on tequila to drive home tonight. I'm staying here at Jerry's. I'll see you after work tomorrow at home. Be there and ready at seven and see if you can leave Beth at the neighbors for an hour or so."

"Jimmy, are you still pissed off at me for not discussing getting pregnant with you? Jesus, let it go and be a big boy."

I sighed loudly into the phone and said, "That's the least of our problems right now. See you tomorrow, Diane." I hung up before she could respond. She immediately called back and I let the call go to voicemail and turned off my phone. A minute later Jerry got a call, looked at me, and said, "Shit, it's Diane. No way." He rejected the call and turned off his phone.

With a voice heavy with pity, he looked at me and said, "Man, I am so sorry for what you're going through. Anything I can do; I'm there, James. Let's get those steaks on and stop dealing with this right now. Tonight, we get really fucked up; tomorrow we can plan."

I slept like the dead, due to the tequila, the wine, and the total mental exhaustion I had gone through. It took me a few minutes to get my bearings after I woke up in a strange bed in a strange bedroom, but all too quickly the nightmare of my wife's betrayal came flooding back. I stumbled out of bed, down the stairs into the kitchen and put my head under the faucet for a long drink, then splashed water onto my face and moved back to the dining room table where the letters had been laid out. I had to get through the last one and then begin the horrible journey of getting a plan together. At that moment, it seemed like divorce was inevitable, but that analysis would come later when I was more prepared. Now I just had to finish these letters and get my questions and confrontation ready for Diane. With trembling fingers, I opened the last letter.

March 15, 2016:

Diane,

When we made love last night, I could tell that you were reluctant, and in your eyes, I could see your guilt, but also your lust. You started hesitant and slow, but then became animalistic in needing me to fuck you hard and aggressively; but when we came and you quickly left the bed for the shower, I felt like it was you saying goodbye to me. I know we have had discussions about you wanting a family, and how you love your husband and he is the "safe" choice. He is stable, dependable and your best friend. If all that is true, why then have you been coming back to me? Think about this; do you want a life of safety and dependability with a friend, or do you want a life of adventure and passion with a lover? I can give you that and I beg you to choose me. You can have my baby and we will live a life of love together. I will wait for your answer as long as it takes, but please don't walk away from what we both know is a love that's meant to be.

Jake

I thought about the date and it brought back a specific memory with Diane where I was concerned for her mental health. I had come home early, and she was in the bathroom. The shower was running but I could hear her crying and repeating over and over, "Oh God, why? What have I done?"

I knocked on the door and she quickly became quiet, and said, "Jimmy, is that you? I'll be out in a while, can you run out and get us some dinner?"

"Diane, are you okay in there? Did I hear you crying to yourself?"

"I'm fine, Jimmy. Just a bit exhausted from work and kind of stressed out about things at work, but I'm okay and nothing for you to worry about."

When I came back with the food, Diane was in her robe, came up to me and pulled me in for a passionate kiss and looking into my eyes she said, "Jimmy, I love you so much. I love only you and want to be with you forever. I want to start right away on our family, so I went off my pill two weeks ago. Are you ready? Tell me that you love me, Jimmy, and won't ever leave me." She sobbed a little saying that last sentence, and I just assumed it was the emotions of officially beginning our quest to get pregnant, so I simply pulled her into me and told her I loved her more than life. "Diane, you are my soulmate. You are my one and only true love and we will be together forever."

We left the food where it was on the table, went upstairs and made passionate and tender love all night long. It seemed after that night that her quiet times, the distant looks, the pulling away from the relationship that I had sensed before were retreating and we were getting back to normal. Although I would sometimes catch her looking pensive and staring off into space, lost in thought, it seemed that the rough times we had gone through were behind us and we were back in synch again.

I now understood that was when she had decided to stay with me, the "safe choice," as Jake had called it in his letter. My anger started to boil over when I realized what a fool I had been and how easily I was tricked into blindly trusting and loving her and missing all the now-obvious signs of her cheating.

I grabbed my phone and turned it back on, thinking I would call her and rip her apart over the phone, but I knew that wasn't the proper way to move forward and understand why. Why and how could she have done this to us?

My phone lit up with text messages and missed calls, all from Diane. The last one I opened simply said, "Jimmy, I love you. I can't be without you. I don't know what is wrong but please come home and talk to me. Little Beth keeps looking around for you and we both don't understand what is wrong. Please, Jimmy, come home!"

I thought to myself, yeah, right, Diane. You love me so much that you cheated on me for three months and fucked some guy at least five to ten times. That really shows some strong love. But then my thoughts went to my little daughter Beth, and my heart was once again crushed with the realization that this would change us forever. How could I still be with Beth when I knew I could never again be with Diane? This was so unfair, to Beth and to me, and to our entire extended family. I knew I had to do whatever I could to get custody of Beth, even though in my mind I knew that was a far-fetched expectation, and I also knew that Diane was a wonderful mother and Beth would need her as much as she would need me.

I looked at the clock and knew I better give work a heads up on my whereabouts, but I just decided, screw it; I'm calling in sick. I sat back and started to think about what kind of plan I needed when it occurred to me that one of my buyers that I was close to had gone through a rough divorce when she came home early from a supplier visit and walked in on her husband fucking his secretary in their master bedroom. She had the foresight to get a quick video that she could use, either as negotiation leverage or for the divorce itself, and from what I understood, her lawyer had made her husband and his lawyer look like amateurs. I gave her a quick call to see if she had any advice for me.

"Jennifer, this is James. I'm not coming in today, maybe you can pass the word, but I was wondering if I could ask you a personal question or two."