Love Letters in the Attic Ch. 01

"Well, um... sure. I guess I know you well enough to know it isn't going to get either of us into sexual harassment territory, right?"

"Nothing like that, but I'd appreciate it if this just stays between you and me. I think my wife had or is having an affair and I need a good lawyer. Were you happy with yours?"

"Oh no, James, I am so sorry for you. You know the pain and suffering I went through and I would never wish that on anyone. If you have a spouse who is cheating on you, then this lawyer is going to rip them to shreds in court or get you a fair deal outside of court. Her name is Barbara Hensley, and just tell her that I recommended her to you. I'll text you her number in a few. And James, I'm really sorry for what you're going through, but I hate to tell you that this is only the beginning. This is a long slog to the finish line, and you really need to keep your emotions in check and your wits about you. Barbara will tell you all about what you should consider doing. Give her a call."

"Thanks, Jennifer, and by the way, quit goofing off and get back to work!" I figured a little humor couldn't hurt take the sting out of the call.

I called up Ms. Hensley, and after answering about five questions from her personal assistant on the nature of my call, I was passed through to the lawyer. "Hello. I'm Barbara Hensley, please call me Barbara and can I call you James? I find it better to establish a relationship if we are a bit more informal with each other."

"Oh, sure. Call me James. I guess I'm in need of some divorce services, or at the very least some advice." I briefly outlined the story, and Barbara set me up for a noon lunch meeting the following day. In the mean time she sent me a checklist of financial issues to detail and actions to take.

I pulled together our savings and checking accounts, my salary, my 401K, our house and likely equity, our cars, and outstanding debts we had on credit cards, etc. I brought a copy of the mortgage and real estate taxes and the monthly living expenses. I cancelled the joint credit card we held in both of our names and replaced it with a card in my name only. I took half of our joint savings and checking accounts and moved them to a savings account in my name only. Since I was the only income earner at this point, I really didn't have to do much more than assure that the money was tied up, or at least my 50% was. Barbara had told me enough to know that besides a likely 50/50 split of all assets, I would have both childcare and spousal alimony payments to make. The money left over for me to live on was not going to make a middle-class standard of living, so that was just more depressing news to heap on the pile.

I continued to ignore Diane's calls and texts, although after one text I replied that we would talk at seven tonight and reminded her to get a sitter for Beth.

At 7:10, I pulled into the driveway and walked to the front door. I rang the bell and waited on the front steps until Diane came and opened the door with a surprised look and said, "Jimmy, why are you ringing the bell. Get in here and give me a hug. Jimmy, I'm so sorry that keeping my plan to get pregnant a secret hurt your feelings and made you this mad." With that she put her arms around my neck and tried to pull me in for a hug and a kiss, but I quickly stepped back, removed her arms and walked straight to the dining room table.

She gave me a surprised and sad look and a tear fell down her cheek as I pushed her away and turned my back on her. "Jimmy, damn it, what is wrong? You are really scaring me. What's going on with you?"

"Have a seat, Diane." I sat across the table from her as she took a seat and looked at me with a combination of fear and anxiety. "Diane, do you know someone named Jake?"

Diane instantly went pale and her body slumped a bit in the chair. She couldn't make eye contact with me, she just stared at her hands on the table. "No, I don't think I know any Jakes. What's this about, Jimmy?"

"Think hard, Diane. No Jakes in your past life?"

"Well, I might have dated a Jake, but that was years before you and I got together Jimmy. Why, is that important? We always said we weren't going to talk that much about our dating and sexual history, and just remember that yours was extensive and mine was minimal."

With her blatant lie, I immediately jumped to my feet in a rage and shouted, "You don't remember the Jake who sent you love letters?"

Diane instantly had a look of shock and fear and started to tremble and cry. She took a deep breath and I assumed she was trying to work out in her mind what to say. With a meek voice, and still not able to look me in the eyes, she sobbed, "Jimmy, that was before you and me. Did you go through my personal stuff in the attic? You had no right."

I looked at Diane and shouted, "So that's what you're going with? You're going to continue with the lies and the betrayal. I guess I shouldn't have expected much different; you've been lying to me for four years, and hell, maybe all eight years I've known you. I'm leaving, call me when you are ready to tell me the truth!"

"Stop, Jimmy. That is the truth. Yes, I dated a Jake, but before us!"

"Diane, stop before you make a total fool of yourself." I pulled the letters out of my pocket and threw them on the table. "Read the fucking letters, Diane. Jake was good enough to date them all and it was three fucking years ago that you were cheating on me, or at least that is the only time that I know about unless you have anything you want to tell me. When you are ready to tell me the truth about Jake and any others, call me. I've got my own copies of the letters and I'll be sure to ask my Divorce attorney tomorrow if it helps my situation with Beth or with splitting our assets!"

"DIVORCE? NO, JIMMY, NO! Please, don't leave and don't even think about divorce. I love you, only you! I chose you Jimmy to be my partner and my love for life. Please don't leave."

"Diane, I thought I could talk this out with you, but I can see neither of us are ready for this. At least not right now, I'm just too angry, depressed, and if I stay it will get really ugly. Call me when you want to tell me the truth and start making plans on who's going to live where and how we are going to handle splitting time with Beth."

With that I spun around, tears starting to fall down my cheeks, and ran to the door. As I opened it, I turned back to see Diane sobbing, with her head on her arms lying face down on the dining room table and moaning, "God, no. Please, no. Jimmy, please, please don't leave me!"

I ran out to my car, started it up and drove two blocks up the road until I was too teary eyed to continue. I pulled over, rested my head on the steering wheel and wailed for ten minutes before I could get myself under control enough to drive away. My phone started to ring and I ignored it. I got a text message and I ignored that. I turned the phone off and drove back to Jerry's, went to the guest bedroom, laid on the bed and curled up into a ball as I tried to deal with my raging emotions. My whole life had gone from perfect to pure shit in the last 48 hours, and I knew it was only going to get worse.

*****

I walked into the lobby of Hensley, Hensley and Thom's law office with a mild curiosity, but mostly a feeling of dread. Coming to a divorce attorney made the collapse of my world all too real. I dreaded finding out just how screwed I would be in a divorce; at least based on the little internet search and reading I had done. I would listen to the advice of the experts and go from there. I signed in with the receptionist and took a seat in the lobby.

"Mr. Johnson, Ms. Hensley will see you now."

I walked into a well-appointed office as Barbara Hensley, attorney at law, was coming around a big oak desk with her hand extended. She was about 55 years old, dressed very formally in a business suit with a high-necked blouse and a little scarf around her neck. She appeared to keep herself in good shape, her handshake was firm and her eye contact was direct as she sized me up.

"Just to reconfirm, I'm comfortable with being called Barbara and I'll call you James, okay? Please, have a seat and let's begin. Did you get through the checklist of actions that I sent you after your first call?"

"Yes, this folder has copies of all our financials, my salary and work benefits, and a rough estimate of the value of our house and our equity. I've included the blue book value of the cars. All of our debt including mortgage, insurance and incidentals are listed, too. Our net worth isn't that much after six years of marriage, but with Diane staying home with our daughter the last three plus years, it's all we have been able to muster so far."

"Well, it's hard to support a family on one income, but it's always a personal choice as to how to handle two jobs when there are any children in the mix. You've done okay, so I wouldn't beat yourself up."

"I guess I get to see it all go away, now, eh? Oh, by the way, the other thing in that folder are copies of the love letters that my wife's lover sent to her during their affair. Actually, I'm not even sure if their affair is over, or how many lovers she may have had over the course of our marriage. But the letters are enough for me to confirm that she has cheated on me and lied to me about our marriage for at least the last four years, if not more."

"James, we are in a no-fault state when it comes to the laws governing divorce, so basically the court just considers if the marriage is "irretrievably broken" and it doesn't get into putting blame or fault on either party. So yes, even though she cheated on you, the break-up of the marriage and the ultimate resolution of the assets is not affected by her affair, unless she used large amounts of joint assets to conduct her affairs, such as expensive gifts, expensive trips etc. Is there any indication that any of that happened in your case?"

"No, nothing like that. I think it happened either on work trips or in motels or at their office."

"So, they worked together? Was she in a role reporting to her partner or would she be considered to be managed by him?"

"She did work as a PA on a project for this guy, from what I understand. I really don't have all the information."

"Well, you need to get as complete and factual an account of that from her as possible. The fact that this happened three years ago and she no longer works there may make any attempt to sue the company for sexual harassment a non-starter, other than perhaps using it as a possible media embarrassment for the company in looking for a settlement. Likewise, although the courts won't put any fault on your wife due to the affair, others may counsel you that they could help put you in a position to negotiate a better than fair settlement by discussing whether or not the letters become known to friends or family. Of course, I can't advise you to take any action like that, so that would be something that you would need to do quietly on your own. But, let's not get ahead of ourselves yet."

"So, besides the action list you gave me, what should I be doing?"

Barbara looked at me for a second, and said, "James, do you love her? This did happen a long time ago, and although it is new and raw for you, it might have been just a major mistake on her part that she has tried to bury and make up for. Do you want to end the marriage or is there a chance for reconciliation?"

"Oh God, Barbara, that is one of many things that I just can't get my head around yet."

"Well, consider this. Likely all of your assets, including your 401K, savings, cars, housing, etc. will be valued and split 50/50. In addition, given you are the only income earner, you will be assigned some sort of monthly alimony to support your wife, for whatever period of time the court decides is required for her to get back into the job market and establish a reasonable level of income. In addition, given you have a child, it gets worse. You will be assigned some level of child support, likely until the child reaches the age of 18."

"What about custody? Can she keep me from seeing my daughter?"

"No, likely not. You are the aggrieved party and have shown no conditions that would make you suspect as a good and loving parent. But the courts would want you to work out custody arrangements with your spouse and have an agreement on that as part of the divorce settlement."

"Well, I guess it's pretty much as bad as I figured it might be. There isn't going to be much money left to try and keep a decent home for both of us."

"James, I'm going to make a suggestion to you. You don't know if you still love her and want to leave her. You don't know what the nature, length, and reason for her affair was. You have a child that you both love. I'm going to suggest that you have a long and detailed conversation, maybe many conversations, to decide if you can forgive her and reconcile, or if that is even what you want. My suggestion would be that you two see a counselor to help facilitate those conversations.

"You might want to live separately for a period of time to figure out if you can reconcile or if the marriage is indeed irretrievably broken.

"If you'd like, we can write up a separation agreement that spells out all of the specifics of the divorce should you two decide to dissolve the marriage, or you can informally create your own separation methodology as you attend your counseling sessions."

"I just don't know if I can forgive her, Barbara."

"James, I've seen a lot of divorces, and they aren't fun. Even when they are obviously required because the marriage is so far gone, a divorce leaves no one happy or in good financial shape. You don't yet even understand what happened, why it happened, what your wife feels about you and the marriage and what you feel about being able to forgive. Not forget, but forgive and move forward. So, my advice is you have to work together as a couple to understand if you want to move forward or want to divorce. What do you think?"

"I think I've known that there was going to have to be a detailed accounting of what really happened and why before I could move forward, so yeah, I guess I agree. I'm sure Diane is going to want to work at it, if nothing else just to keep the family together. I guess I'll ask you to put together the formal separations agreement and I'll set up a meeting with her in a few days to explain it and pick a counselor."

"Okay, James. I'll have it ready tomorrow afternoon for you. Also, I'll have a list of a few counselors I recommend ready for you when you come in and pick up the agreement. I think this is the right thing to do at this time, James. We can always go to war on the divorce if it comes to that, but I think you need to understand the facts and your feelings before we take any drastic actions."

As I exited the building, I got another call on my cell phone from Diane. She had been calling every couple of hours since the last confrontation we had in the dining room. I knew that soon we would have to have a serious conversation about our future, but I still wasn't ready. I figured that now having a formal separation being drawn up, I might as well use that during our next meeting.

"Diane, hi. How is Beth?" I figured the message was subtle but basically, I was saying I didn't give a shit how Diane was doing, but I definitely was missing little Beth.

"Jimmy, please come home and talk to me. Beth misses you and is looking around for you every day. Jimmy, you have to know that I love you more than anything else in this world. Beth and you are my life. Please come home and talk to me."

"Are you ready to tell me the truth about Jake and all your other lovers?" I knew I was inserting the knife and twisting it, but again, I really didn't care.

"God damn it, Jimmy, there is only you. I hadn't looked at those letters since the fling, and reading them and knowing what you must be thinking makes me sick. I've spent over three years trying to forgive myself for how foolish and horrible my behavior was. I'm so very sorry that I hurt you and betrayed you, and I wish to God I could go back and undo it, but I can't. But you have to know it meant nothing to me and certainly there wasn't any relationship like those letters implied. Please, Jimmy, come home and I'll explain what I can, although truthfully, I still struggle with why I let myself betray you and myself and our marriage."

"Diane, we do need to talk. And I am going to need you to tell me who, how long, how many, and mostly why. Then you can tell me how you think we could ever put our marriage back together again. I..."

Diane exploded in sobs, interrupted me and moaned into the phone, "Please don't say that, Jimmy. Please, we can't live without you. I love you, and you love me. Please, we have to come back together. Give me a chance to explain and continue to make it up to you. It was over three years ago, Jimmy, and I have been living with the guilt and shame everyday over those years. Surely you can see how I have shown you nothing but love and respect ever since? Please tell me you know that!"

"Diane, all I know is that you cheated on me. You lied to me. You gave away the most sacred bond we had to somebody else. Everything in our marriage now just seems like a lie. I know we need to talk, so I'll be over at seven tomorrow night. I would like to play with Beth for a while, and then maybe you can bring her next door again so we can try and have a conversation. Assuming you are ready to tell me the truth."

"Yes, I will, but you need to know my truth. My truth is that I love you and only you. I'll do anything you want to keep us together. Please don't hate me, Jimmy!"

I was tearing up and my voice started to tremble and I needed to get off the phone. "Tomorrow night at seven then," I spat out and quickly hung up.

The next day I made it into work and told my boss Jack that I was going to need some flexibility in my hours for a few weeks while I tried to sort out my life. I told him about the letters, without any detail but making sure he understood that I had just found out my wife had cheated on me and I was going to see a lawyer, a counselor, and figure out where my life was going in the short and long term.

"Jack, one day you are enjoying what seems to be a perfect life. A loving wife, and beautiful daughter, a great job and enough money to enjoy your free time. Then within the span of a few minutes, you enter your own personal hell and find out that perhaps it was all a lie. That likely that life is gone, and if not gone, certainly will never be the idyllic dream that it was just days ago. So, if you see me walking around mad, depressed, sad, and distracted; please be patient with me as I try to work my way through this shit."

"James, I understand. Take the time you need, flex your hours. Just make sure nothing big slips through the cracks and start delegating a hell of a lot more to your best people. They will appreciate your faith in them and it can only make the team stronger. And although your emotions are no doubt all over the map, there will be no outbursts, anger, yelling or going out of control with your people or our suppliers, right?"

"Yeah, Jack, I know, I'm okay. Thanks, Boss, I'll keep you updated as things progress."

I took off during lunch and picked up my separation agreement and a list of counselors at Barbara Hensley's office, and when I got back into my car, I pulled out my phone and started calling counselors. I looked them up on Google, looking for reviews, and read whatever statements about their approach to marriage counseling I could find on the web. Two of them seemed to speak to me more than the others, so I called a Laura Walton, who had a BA in Psychology and a PHD in family counseling. She had an opening in three days and suggested that we attend twice a week, either individually or as a couple for at least the first month of counseling. I could hear the ka-ching of my wallet emptying out, but money was the least of my concerns at this point. I might have to give more than half of it to a cheating spouse soon, anyway, so this wasn't the time to worry about saving for the future. This might make or break the future.