Love Letters in the Attic Ch. 01

I made it through the rest of the afternoon at work, telling some of my key people what was going on and assigning some of the KPI analysis tasks I usually handled to various people on my team. I made sure they knew I had a personal crisis going on, so if I seemed off, just be patient and know it wasn't anything about work, or their performance. I felt they appreciated the honesty and the opportunity to pick up more responsibility.

At the end of the day, I drove back to Jerry's house, bringing some beer and pizza with me. I told him for the tenth time how grateful I was that he was letting me stay there and told him about the separation agreement and the counseling. "Jerry, since this could go on for two, maybe three months before I know if it's divorce or reconciliation, I think I'll start looking for an apartment so you can have your blissful single lifestyle back."

"Hey man, don't do that. I enjoy having you around, especially if you keep bringing home pizza and beer. Seriously, it's too soon to get a place to live if you might find your way back to your family. How about you just pay me a small rent stipend, maybe a C bill a week that I'll apply to food and we call it even."

"Thanks man, you have really been a godsend for me going through this crap, and I certainly won't forget it."

At 7:10, I walked up to the front door of my house and rang the doorbell. It very slowly opened and standing there staring up at me was Beth. "DADDY!" she yelled and looked back at Diane, who was five feet behind her and yelled, "Mommy, Daddy's home." With that she catapulted her body into my arms as I kneeled down to pick her up and kiss her. Over her shoulder I could see Diane gently crying.

Diane looked pretty rough. Her face was puffy and blotchy, and her hair was matted. She looked weak and pale, and I could tell by her bloodshot eyes that she had spent a lot of time crying.

Diane was trying to take a positive approach in greeting me with excitement. "Jimmy, welcome home. This is your house, Jimmy; you don't have to ring the bell. Did you bring your suitcase? I'll help you unpack!"

"Diane, I'm not staying, but if it's okay with you, can I just take Beth to her room and read some stories with her for a while and then we can talk when I get her calmed down?"

"Sure, Jimmy, but I wish you would stay. I'll sleep on the couch if that helps you feel comfortable."

"Well talk in a bit, Diane." I still had Beth in my arms, and I said, "How about Daddy reads you a few stories in your bedroom and you can tell me all about your day?" I walked past a dejected looking Diane, going up the stairs with Beth and pulling out a few of her favorite Dr. Suess books.

It was so great to be with Beth, listening to her talk and ask questions ceaselessly, and then watching her focus wide-eyed and intent on each page of the children's books. Oh, to be that innocent and happy again, and to just be able to erase the last week of misery and have back my loving family and home. I started to tear up, and Beth told me, "It's okay, Daddy. The funny cat will be okay!"

When we were finished with a few of the books, I brought Beth down and Diane took her over to the neighbor's house, an older couple who loved babysitting her whenever they got the chance.

I was sitting at the dining room table when Diane came back, quietly walked over and sat down. Her tears started to well up and she started to cry before either of us said a word. Then she said, "Oh, Jimmy, I am so sorry about what I did and how it must be tearing you up inside. You have to believe me that it wasn't any love affair like his letters suggest. It was a few months of me losing my mind, living a separate life; seeing it in my mind as totally disconnected to the happily married life you and I had. And when I woke up, as if I had been living in a nightmare; all I could feel was shame and guilt. I could see how it was ruining my relationship with you, the man I love. I am so ashamed and I have been living with guilt and remorse every day of my life since then. I have wanted to tell you what happened and there were three or four times I almost did, but I was too much of a coward.

"I was afraid that I would hurt you and destroy our marriage and I just couldn't risk it. You and Beth are the only thing in my life that holds any meaning. You are my everything and my only thing; please Jimmy, please, look at our life since we had Beth. Haven't we been happy? Haven't you been able to feel how much I love you and respect you? I've tried my best to make up for cheating on you each and every day. Please think about the last few years as a family, and not what you read in those letters. That was a different crazy person that I have left far behind and tried to forget."

"Diane, I really don't know what to think. I don't trust you anymore, and I really don't believe anything you tell me right now. Why would I? How could I? Those letters sound like a love affair, like you were considering leaving me, having his child, being together."

"No, Jimmy, it wasn't like that. It was just dirty, illicit sex. I always chose you, Jimmy, always you!"

"Sure, you chose the stable one. The boring one. You didn't go for a "life of passion" with that asshole Jake, figuring you would stay with the boring, tried and true husband. You chose me, huh? Well, I seem to remember you chose me eight years ago when we got engaged and you made promises and commitments to me over six years ago when we got married. I never betrayed my promises to you. I never lied to you. I never flushed our marriage down the drain for a quick, dirty fuck over the conference room table like you did. Now I feel like I don't even know who you really are."

Diane's face contorted and her eyes opened wide at the things I said and the venomous way I spat out the words. "Oh God, Jimmy. No, please, you can't think that of me. Please, Jimmy, I love you and you love me. Please, Jimmy, please don't hate me. Please forgive me!"

"ENOUGH!" I yelled, and flew out of my chair, throwing it back and onto the dining room floor. "I can't talk to you now, I am so fucking mad, and besides, I don't think I can believe a thing you say. Here," I shouted, throwing the separation agreement on the table. "This is a separation agreement, and a template for how our divorce may go if I choose that outcome."

"Divorce? No, God no, Jimmy. You can't even think about divorce. We have to be together; we are meant to be a family forever. Please!"

"Listen to me, Diane. I know we need to get to a calm and truthful understanding of how we each feel and what we want going forward, and you should understand it may be divorce. But to really know what's right for me, I can only see this as the way to figure our future out."

"Diane, I think the only way forward is that we separate and live alone trying to figure out what we both want. And, I think the only way we can civilly talk about your betrayal and decide what we want is with professional help. I don't know if I can forgive you, Diane, and I have decided I need help getting my mind straight on how I feel, what I want, and if I can even ever be in this marriage again. Right now, I'm filled with anger, hate, distrust and I'm in shock that the person I thought was my best friend could do this to me." Diane fell forward onto the table with her face in her hands and sobbed.

"Attached to the separation agreement is the name of a counselor. We have our first session this Thursday evening, if you are willing to go. If not, I'll go alone, start the divorce paperwork, and try to heal myself."

Diane looked up in tears and shock, and picked up the separation agreement as if it was coated in acid. She cried as she read the first page. "Oh, Jimmy, it doesn't have to be like this. Please."

"Yes or no, Diane. Will you be at counseling?"

"Yes, of course. I'll do anything to keep us together and to fix my mistake. But do we have to separate?"

"This is an all or nothing offer, Diane. Take it or leave it. I'll see you Thursday evening."

*****

I showed up early at Laura Walton's office, and not wanting to be left in the waiting room alone with Diane, if she was here, I decided to wait in my car. I saw Diane's car pull into the lot and park and she got out and ran to the door. I waited until I was five minutes late, then went into the office building and looked at the office registry on the wall.

Laura Walton, PHD, Family Counseling... Office 207. I walked up the steps to the second floor and found her office at the end of the hall. I took a deep breath as I walked into the office, hoping Diane was not alone in the waiting room. It was empty, but the door to Ms. Walton's inner office was open and I could hear Diane and Ms. Walton making small talk while waiting for me.

I walked in, apologized for being late and shook Ms. Walton's hand. She was in her mid-forties, was wearing a blazer on top, blue jeans, and high heels. She had long blond hair, a very nice figure and was wearing no wedding ring. In fact, Diane was the only one in the room wearing a wedding ring and I think Diane noticed that mine was missing and she put her head down, looking at her feet, and her faced paled a bit.

"Hello, James, may I call you James and may I call you Diane? You should call me Laura, and please know that any topic, any feelings or thoughts, any and everything is on the table for discussion. We will be opening up to each other in a very personal and probably emotional way, and we are going to need to be respectful, honest, and in control. We will listen and let each other be heard, and we will see if we can't understand in a constructive way some of the issues you two are dealing with and how we move forward together.

"Diane, let's start with you. Why are you here and what do you hope to get out of these sessions?"

"I made a horrible mistake 4 years ago and cheated on my husband with a co-worker. My husband never knew, and I have felt nothing but shame and guilt every day since I was seduced into a sexual fling with this person. When I came to my senses, I knew that Jimmy was the only one I did love and could ever love. I decided to spend the rest of my life making it up to him, but I never told him about the affair and he never knew. Before this happened, Jimmy and I had decided to start a family and I was going to get off the pill, and when I woke up from my nightmare, I stopped taking birth control, decided to get pregnant and I dedicated myself to Jimmy. We got pregnant and now have a beautiful three-year-old daughter together.

"I never had the courage to tell Jimmy about the fling, even though it tore me up to live with the guilt and the reality that I had betrayed him. I spent the last three years being the best wife and mother I could possibly be... Jimmy, you have to recognize that don't you?" With that she looked at me and I just kept staring at Laura, not acknowledging Diane.

Laura gave me a dismissive look, but looking back to Diane she said, "So, I'm guessing that James found out about the affair, quite recently, and now your marriage is in trouble? So, Diane, what are you hoping for?"

"I love Jimmy with all my heart and soul. I want him to forgive me, and I need to forgive myself. I've hurt him beyond measure and I'm afraid he will never respect or believe me again. I never wanted to hurt him or disrespect him in any way, but I know I have. I understand the pain to a degree, because I've been living with the pain of the guilt and my betrayal to him and myself for three long years. I want to get beyond this and get back to the loving family we had." Looking at me Diane said, "I'm so sorry Jimmy, please forgive me!" and she started to cry.

Laura handed her a Kleenex box, and looking at me, said, "And you, James. What do you hope to get out of these sessions?"

Diane looked at me intently, interested in what I had to say. I looked at Laura and said, "I feel like my marriage has been a lie. I was betrayed and lied to for at least 4 years, and in fact, I don't even know if my wife still is fucking around on me or if she always has been for as long as we were married. I've lost any faith in my marriage, and I no longer believe her, or trust her. I doubt she is really sorry about the affair, or why would she keep the love letters other than as mementos to her great love for Jake?

"I don't know if I can forgive her, but I know that divorce will kill our family, I'll lose Beth in the process and we will both be financially crushed until we can both start over. So, my problem really is that I can't get my head around my feelings. One minute I want to walk out and never see Diane again, and the next minute I want to see if we can salvage our marriage, knowing it will never be the same again."

With that, Diane jumped up crying and ran out of the room. In our previous life I would have jumped up and ran after her to console her, hold her, and wipe away the tears. In our new life in purgatory, I simply watched her go, turned to Laura, and said, "Well, that's how I feel, so I'm just being truthful."

Laura looked at me silently for a minute, and said, "James, it did happen three years ago. But for you, it might as well have happened a week ago, because you just found out about it. You are going to be angry, depressed, suspicious, and in fact, just about every emotion a human can have, except joy, is likely what you will be feeling. You are going to be all over the map with your emotions, but to really know how you feel about the future you are going to have to be patient, calm, listen to your inner self and listen to Diane and try to decide if there is a future with her. You can't change what happened. You won't forget what happened.

"I think it will be important for you to try and understand why it happened, and if it could ever happen again. Since you are here trying counseling, I think you probably still love Diane, probably always will, but you will have to figure out if you can forgive her and move on. You also will have to think about Beth. If you want her in your life fulltime, then you will have to be able to move beyond this. But it all is going to take time.

"James, I think I need to spend some time alone with Diane to understand why she thinks it happened and to understand the details of what happened and why she still has the letters. At the next few sessions, I would like to meet with her alone. Then next week, I'll have a session with you alone, and then we will work together to see if there is a path forward. Okay with you?

"Yeah, that makes sense."

"James, you need to work out a schedule with Diane to see Beth. You can do whatever you are comfortable with: that is live with them, or remain separated until you are ready. But make sure you keep seeing and having your relationship with Beth. Other than that, try and work off some of your stress and anger by doing things you enjoy. Maybe exercise, or go to see some sports, or hang out with friends. Try and stay away from alcohol and don't beat yourself up over why this happened and what role, if any, you played in that. You can't possibly answer any of those questions on your own, and we will get to those in time. So, I'll see Diane next Tuesday and Thursday alone, and then you alone the following Tuesday."

She stood up, shook my hand, and said, "Hang in there, James. No matter what happens, things will get better than they are now."

*****

I worked out a schedule with Diane on getting a few hours every other day to come and either spend time with Beth at the house, with Diane leaving us alone, or taking Beth out to the park or on the back of my bike or some other outing to assure she was having fun whenever she and I were together.

Coming and going in and out of my house with Diane there had really turned awkward. Diane would look at me, hoping for any of the expressions of love or friendship that used to be constantly conveyed between us; and when I failed to respond or reciprocate those looks, she would cast her eyes downward, and take on a hurt look like a puppy that had been disciplined.

It wasn't so much that I was trying to punish her; I just couldn't forget what I had read in those letters, and the images they had conjured up in my mind, so I just struggled having that special spark of love that we used to share so easily. I knew I still loved her, at least I thought I did, but it just wasn't that soulmate or special emotion that I used to have for her. I didn't know if that would ever return.

We only talked about necessary things, usually regarding something to do with Beth or something about our finances or bills. Even then, I answered in monosyllabic flat tones, avoiding looking at her. Things were bad.

Diane had been to her two individual counseling sessions, and told me that they had really helped her understand some of the why and understand the pain she had put me in. She asked me if I wanted to talk about what had been said in her sessions and try to start the healing.

I avoided those conversations; told her I wasn't ready and we should address it in counseling. I could tell she was disappointed, but I still needed to get my head around how I felt before getting into a conversation that could get ugly. My session with Laura was coming up in a few days, and I was hoping for some help, insight, and really just someone to empathetically help me deal with my anger and pain.

*****

It was now coming up on four weeks since I had found the letters that changed my life. Diane and I had both attended a few solo counseling sessions with Dr. Walton. Laura felt we were ready and needed to get together as a couple and start to talk about where our heads and hearts were at, and this was to be our first session together. I once again made sure I was a few minutes late so I wouldn't have to spend any time alone in the waiting lobby with Diane. My anger had subsided, or maybe I was just used to being angry all the time. I really wasn't sure.

I knocked and entered Laura's office, Diane was already in crying mode and they had already started without me. "Sorry I'm a bit late, but the traffic was bad," I lied as I sat down. "What are you guys discussing?"

"James, we are going to start fresh now, and incorporate some of what has been discussed in the private sessions into this session tonight. I am not going to tell each of you what the other said to me, but I am hoping that each of you will share as much of that as you possibly can. I am going to use those conversations to ask leading questions, so don't be surprised about that." With that, she looked at Diane and said, "Diane, what do you hope to get out of these sessions?"

With a sad and quiet response, Diane said, "I want my husband back. I want my life back to how it has been the last three years. I want Jimmy to understand that what I did wasn't anything to do with our relationship, or with my love for Jimmy. That never faltered and never changed. I want Jimmy to think about the love and devotion I have shown him for the last three years. I want him to think hard and realize that our life has been blessed with Beth and with each other, and we are a family that needs to be together. And, I want Jimmy to know that I am so very sorry for what I did: for hurting him, and if I could do anything to change it and go back and wake myself up and think about what we had and what I was destroying; then so help me God, I would do it in an instant. I would quit my job right then and there, before temptation and lust took my mind over. But I can't, and all I can do is promise Jimmy that I love him more that life itself and I have never cheated before or since that time and I would never cheat again."

I looked over at her and felt a pang of sympathy and love for her, as I truly believed she was trying to be honest. I wasn't convinced that it didn't mean anything to her, or why did she keep the letters? Diane interrupted my thoughts by saying, "Okay, James. Your turn. What are you hoping to accomplish here?"