All Comments on 'Love of a Demon Ch. 01'

Good start!

:)

Pretty good start just watch out for misspelled words

Not bad so far. Nice little opening for something promising. Please continue :D

Needs a little more detail. Would like to know more about Jasmine, Nate, Seth and others. A little more on why Gabriel's family hates him so much would be helpful. You claim he's 19 and still living at home. Why is that? Also, you overused the word 'sigh'. It would be nice to see you use other words to describe the same thing. It's the lack of these little details that kept my vote at a 3.

Good start. See if you can get someone to look it over for basic editing. Clean up little mistakes. I look forward to more!!

I agree with dlew very good start and cant wait to read more

Looking forward fo more. I thought it was a little rushed, maybe a little more background needed. But all in all good start!

Congratulations on getting your first chapter actually appearing on Literotica. Yours was an overall short chapter for all of the characters introduced with even two locations, home and the mansion. I thought it was a bit rushed. I believe the storyline and characters show great potential. Cannd, as usual, gave you excellent feedback by advising you to have someone overview some basic editing. This would address Dlew's major issue of using repetitive words. Four characters did use the word 'sigh' seven times***, although you brought humor by having Nate comment that he was doing it 'a lot lately'. Keep attention to your story's structure. Make sure the tree has enough limbs to support the character's physical and emotional behaviors.

Gabe, the central figure, is a physically and emotionally severely abused 19 year old. Despite his father's constant blows to Gabe's body, throwing a bucket of ice, viciously kicking, beating, throwing Gabe to the ground and causing him to bleed, and finally attacking him with a baseball bat, Gabe remains at home. Why? Because he sees no other option than to live on the streets. Sadly, he only wants to be loved.

What is his heinous crime? His father says he is a 'disgusting little fag'. Lisa,his so called perfect sister deliberately causes Gabe to screw up. He can't protest as she will only 'insult him about his sexuality' to increase his beatings. The mother is no more than a single word on the page that she exists. I suspect that the one dimensional family members only serve as a background for a reason to relocate Gabe to the mansion.

The second half of the chapter moves at a much faster pace. Numerous character's are quickly introduced: Nate with powers to magically transport Gabe and himself to another location. With great empathy, he worries Gabe won't survive. I don't know what kind of creature he represents. Jasmine is a fairy, works in the infirmary and demonstrates healing powers. She restores Gabe to the best of her abilities. Vincent is a werewolf in charge of security. Then Seth, the demon, is introduced. I'm a novice when it comes to demons. I guess he's the leader. He likes men. Entering the mansion he 'smells a sweet, alluring, delicious scent.' As he discovers Gabe, 'A cry of rage, pain, and agony rip through his throat.' Seth has found his intended to love forever and eternity.

You have a challenge for Chapter two. Develop the mansion characters, including Gabe, with more substance. Flesh them out. What is their relationship? Why are they at the mansion? Your readers have many questions about these people and their situation.

Take your time with pacing the story and sex. The character's will let you know when the time is appropriate. As the author you have different paths available. One is to make the chapter longer. Another is to limit your focus to select characters and actions. I welcome you and wish you the best of luck with your fascinating tale. I enjoyed your imagination.

***SIGH: cry, exhale, gasp, grieve, groan, lament, moan, murmur, pant, sob, wheeze, whine*** Personally, I sighed and thought 'Shit, a demon story'. I don't like starting my day and first cup of coffee with demons.

I'm adding this story to my favs. Hope you continue it as it's really good. :)

Great start, I hope that the family pays for what they did to Gabe, sure Seth would be more then happy to help in that regards.

This is a wonderful start to what I am hoping is a wonderful story. I'm looking forward to the second chapter.

Would love to read more of this.

You're comment was almost as long as this chapter. I really enjoyed reading this chapter but worry about starting a new story it seems lately everytime I find a story I enjoy the author never finishes it....I hope that this tale is not one of them as I would really like to read more of it.

Great start, could use a bit more detail of the characters and some backgroud. I absolutely love supernatural stories and have very high expectations when ever I read one, and you definitely met them. So keep up the good work and I hope to see another chapter from you soon. :)

Please continue the story. More background info would be nice.

I am guessing that his sister was jealous of him and made it possible for his father would catch him giving a blowjob to the guy she paid to trap him and his father has been beating him for his sexual preferences ever since.

Should have read .... and made it possible SO THAT his father would catch him..in my previous comment. Wish lit had an edit text button so you could fix up stuff ups after you push the submit comment button. lol

Write more and fast plz was great!!!!!!!

Yeah sure. I just submitted the second chapter so just wait a few days and you'll be able to find it. :) Thank you for the honest feedback. It really helps!

You have taken a variety of stock characters and actions and created something unique. With just that introduction you have claimed many readers' attention.

Now we will continue to pester you for more detail. Who are these creatures and how did this motley crew come together at the mansion? Is there a deeper reason for the family's hate, or are they just cardboard character homophobes?

Descriptions and detail and always WHY?

Short, but good so far.

I found the story to be a bit overdramatic and unrealistic, and I'm not talking about the magical creatures aspect of it. Idk I just found myself rolling my eyes at the whole situation before Nathan showed up, maybe you need to explain the situations better with more detail to really make it seem believable