Love On The Side

"Thank you Laura," Tillie said the sadness in her voice still quite obvious, "I could not have done this without you."

"That's what friends are for. Besides, I didn't see anyone else offering so I sorta felt an obligation."

"That's silly Laura," Tillie replied, "you aren't obligated to me."

"I know that, it's just, well," Laura paused and took a deep breath before continuing, trying to collect her thoughts, "well, I've always really liked you Tillie and I'm sorry we haven't been closer." Tillie stopped washing the dishes in the sink when Laura said that and looked directly at her. Tillie was quite taken aback by her comment. Without saying a word Tillie wrapped her arms around Laura and hugged her tightly.

"Thank you Laura," Tillie said, her voice shaking, "you're a wonderful person and I love you for that."

"I'm not so wonderful," Laura replied. Laura looked at her watch, "Shit! It's late and I should get home." Laura quickly covered her mouth, "I'm sorry Tillie. I didn't mean to use such bad language, I know how you hate it."

"Oh come now Laura, it's all right, it's not as if I haven't heard it before. You just don't hear me say it. Sometimes I wish I did though." This time Laura hugged Tillie and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

"You're something else Tillie, you're really something else." Laura said with a very warm smile on her face.

"You don't know how true that is," Tillie said very softly, though she though she hadn't said it at all.

"What?" Laura asked not being certain of what she had heard.

"Oh nothing," Tillie replied, "just my lack of self-confidence showing through. Laura, would you like to stay here tonight? I could use the company."

Laura considered it for a moment and replied, "I guess so. I wanted to get home to feed my cats but they've got enough food." Secretly Laura had wanted to leave because she felt a little uncomfortable around Tillie. In her mind Tillie was an extreme naive very straight arrow sort of person, the exact opposite of what she considered herself to be.

"Great!" Tillie replied and then said, "We can make up mother's bed – " Tillie paused to consider that thought and then said, "if you don't mind that is."

"Well, I have to admit I think it'd be a bit spooky being in her bed if you know what I mean," Laura replied.

"I do," Tillie said and then considered the other possibilities. Tillie immediately discovered a problem with this, there was only one other reasonable possibility. "My bed's big enough for two if you don't mind. I don't mind." Tillie immediately decided her idea was a bad one and was going to suggest the large sofa in the living room.

"I don't mind at all," Laura replied before Tillie could say anything else and much to her surprise.

"You don't?" Tillie asked in a bit of disbelief.

"No, why should I? Girls do it all the time when there's only one bed. Hell Tillie, you know I had to sleep with my sister until we were almost sixteen and she was eighteen! That's what happens when you're poor."

Tillie and Laura watched a bit of TV after that and then chatted about some of the people around Pierce. In a small town one of the more discussed topics is what other people are doing. At around 10:30 both girls were equally tired and agreed it was a good time to go to bed. Each used the bathroom that was right off the bedroom to change into their nightgowns. Tillie provided Laura with one of hers as Laura had not come intending to stay the night. When it came time to get into the bed each did so tentatively.

"Tillie, why are we acting like kids? We're both grown adults. This should not be a problem, you know what I mean."

"Well, kinda," Tillie responded, "it's just that I've never slept in the same bed with anyone before."

"No one?" Laura asked.

"Nope, that's what happens when you're an only child."

"And you never slept with any of your boyfriends?" Laura silently chastised herself for asking such a personal question.

"I've never had a boyfriend." Tillie said sheepishly.

"What about Tom? You went to the prom with him."

"He was just a friend."

"I know whatcha mean, Hal was just a friend for me at the prom too."

"Really?" Tillie asked in honest surprise.

"Well, yeah, of course."

"What do you mean of course?" Tillie asked not understanding Laura.

"I mean I'm gay and I couldn't let anyone know so I went with Hal who knows but will never tell anyone and if you tell anyone I'll be forced to kill you." Laura said in one long drawn out breath. Tillie was extremely surprised by Laura's admission and it gave her pause to think for a few minutes. "Tillie, if that bothers you I can still go home, I'll understand, really." Tillie could hear the honesty in Laura's voice and thought a few moments longer.

"No, I want you to stay."

Laura sighed with relief and asked, "Are you sure because I really don't mind and I really would understand." Tillie shook her head no and crawled slowly into her bed. Laura followed closely behind. As they lay there facing each other Laura finally asked, "Are you still okay with this?"

"Shit Laura, I said it'd be okay," Tillie quickly covered her mouth when she heard the curse escape her mouth.

"Tillie!" Laura said in surprise and then laughed.

"So now you know my secret, the cat's outta the bag."

"And I thought you were – " Once again Laura stopped herself realizing that what she was going to say was out of line.

"What?" Tillie challenged, "A prude?"

"Well, no," Laura replied cautiously.

"If anyone really knew they'd – " Tillie paused trying to collect her thoughts. Unable to do so she leaned over and gave Laura a quick kiss on her lips. Laura wasn't sure what to make of Tillie's actions.

"What was that for?" Laura asked.

Tillie fidgeted noticeably. Several times she tried to say something and failed each time. Laura decided to wait for Tillie to say what she needed. Tillie finally said in a very low voice, "I'm gay too."

"What!" Laura cried in disbelief.

"Always have been but how could I let anyone know, you know how my mother was. I would have put her in her grave ten years ago if she'd found out."

"I know what you mean," Laura said.

"I thought I was the only gay person in all of Pierce."

"You'd be surprised!" Laura said resolutely.

"Why?"

"Remember Miss Ballard?"

"No!" Tillie said guessing what Laura was getting at.

"Yup, I found out on the last day of school. And you know Guy Thompson?"

"Him too?" Tillie asked in disbelief.

"Those are just the ones I know about. Each of them told me they knew other but I never asked them who."

"Wow." Tillie said in amazement.

"Yeah, a real shocker huh?"

"I wish I had known, it would have been nice to talk to someone else who is gay."

"I know what you mean but now you do know so what do you think?"

"I think it's great!" With that Tillie surprised Laura by wrapping her arms around her and hugging her very tightly. Over the next few weeks Tillie and Laura saw a lot of each other, Laura frequently stayed the night but would sneak out in the early morning hours like a married lover trying to avoid being caught. In Pierce it was more acceptable to be an unfaithful spouse and be discovered than to be gay and be discovered. Both women knew they needed to avoid detection.

Laura was sitting at the pharmacy soda fountain talking with Tillie when Tillie suddenly said, "I want you to move in with me."

"What?" Laura almost shrieked.

"I want you to move in with me." Tillie repeated herself.

"But Tillie, then the whole town will know and you know what will happen."

"Half the town already suspects us Laura and the other half is talking about it. I have never liked lying and this feels like lying or cheating or something, you know what I mean?

"Yeah, I think I do," Laura said with resignation.

"So why don't you go get your stuff and start moving in."

"Today?"

"Sure, why not?"

"I don't know. My parents are Catholic just like yours, what are they going to think? What am I going to tell them."

"Tell them the truth."

"I can't do that, they'll disown me! Tillie, you know it's hard enough just being Catholic without through gay into the wash as well."

"I know, I know but we're living a lie Laura and that's just as wrong in my mind."

"I know you're right Tillie." Laura sat in deep thought for a moment and then said, "All right but be prepared for the fireworks. You know when my mother hears the whole town is going to know."

"I know and to be honest, it'll be a relief."

Laura considered Tillie's words. "You're right, it will be. I'm going know."

"Laura?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you." Tillie said with great sincerity.

"I love you too Tillie," Laura replied.

Tillie and Laura set up house together. Although no one ever said anything directly to them each of the women could almost feel the dislike many people exhibited towards them. In more than once instance they came to know they were not welcome. That almost came to pass at church one Sunday however the priest, in a moment of conscience, realized he would be wrong to keep them away from the church even though it went against other strongly entrenched beliefs he had about a gay lifestyle.

It was just shortly before Christmas. Tillie and Laura had been living together for almost six months. During that time they seemed to have found every other person who was gay in Pierce in one way or another. Both women were astonished at the actual number they came to be aware of. They talked about that one evening as they were decorating their Christmas tree.

"You know what I'd really like for Christmas?" Tillie said with a sigh to Laura.

"What?"

"I'd like a baby?"

Laura considered this for a moment and asked, "Do you think we should try to adopt a child? You don't really think the great state of Maine is going to allow to lesbians to adopted a child do you?"

"No, I don't" Tillie replied to Laura's surprise, "but what could they do if say one of us were to get pregnant?"

"Huh?" Laura asked a little confused.

"What if one of us got pregnant and had a baby? I mean, if one of us were the baby's natural mother then what could they say?"

"Plenty is my guess!" Laura said quickly and sarcastically. "Besides Tillie, in case you haven't noticed neither of us is built quite right to do, well, you know, to do what'd have to be done to get pregnant."

"I've thought of that," Tillie replied.

"So what are you suggesting, artificial insemination?"

"I thought of that too."

"Sooo, what then do you have in mind."

"What if one of us got pregnant the natural way?"

"You mean by having sex with a man? Oh Tillie, you know I could never do that!"

"I know."

"So are you saying that – "

"Yup, me. I'm a natural for it anyway. Plus I think I know someone who'd do it no strings attached."

"Whaddaya mean you're a natural."

Tillie suddenly realized her verbal faux pas and replied, "I mean I know you couldn't stand being with a man in that way under any circumstances but I've thought about it and I think just to get pregnant I can. I'll be honest with you, I'd be nervous as hell but with the right guy, well, why not?"

Laura wanted to but could not find much wrong with Tillie's logic. "So do you have anyone in mind."

"Yeah, Tom Ryan."

"The guy you went to the prom with?"

"Sure, why not? He's single, we're still good friends and he once said he'd do anything for me. He's always been a perfect gentleman to me too. What've I got to lose by asking?"

"Nothing I suppose."

"So, is it all right with you."

"I think I'd be great to have a child of our own and if you're willing to do it then I think it'd be great too. Just one thing though, what about the church?"

"What about it? I can't change how I feel and I don't know if I can change how they feel. I want this baby. I want to be a mother and I want you to be a mother too." Laura smiled and gave Tillie a big kiss.

"Okay, you ask Tom. Oh, and Tillie, when were you planning on doing this and where?"

"Well, I want to do it as soon as possible. I'll be ovulating soon. As to where, well," Tillie searched for the words.

"You want to do it in our bed," Laura said with a bit of resignation.

"I'm sorry Laura. I'm not any good at this sort of thing and I couldn't come up with anything else. Please help me. I won't do it in our bed if you don't want me to."

Laura considered it for a few minutes finally saying, "Tillie, I think if you and I are going to have a child then goddammit that child should be conceived in this bed and I won't hear any more about it!" Laura said this quite strongly. Tillie smiled both in relief and with love for Laura.

Tillie asked Tom that same day. With the question asked they discussed it for the next two and one half-hours. Tom agreed almost unconditionally. "Tillie, I have this thing about sex that I have to be honest with you about."

"That's okay, tell me."

Tom took a breath, paused and then said, "Well, normally I'd say to the woman that we'd absolutely have to be making love even under such circumstances."

"And with me?" Tillie asked.

"I don't know Tillie. You're gay which means you're not interested in men so you see the problem."

"I do," Tillie replied honestly. She thought about this for a few minutes as she and Tom sat quietly. Finally she asked. "Tom you know I really care about you a lot don't you?"

"Sure I do."

"And I care a lot about you too. Tom, I don't know if I can do this with any other man. Hell, I don't know if I can do it with you but anyway, wouldn't you say that because we both feel that way we'd be making love?" Tom saw what Tillie was getting at and considered it carefully.

"Yes I can," he answered finally.

"Tom, I can't imagine having sex with a man so it's going to be hard enough for me just getting past that, if I even can. But this baby means so much to me I'm willing to try just about anything. What makes it even more difficult is I know I'm going to have to have sex with you a number of times to maximize my chances. If you're gentle – " Tillie paused.

"You know I will be," Tom said.

"I know Tom but I'm going to need more than gentle, I will probably need all the patience you can give me."

"Tillie, you're as good a friend as I have and I think I once promised you I'd do anything for you if I could."

"Yes you did."

"So this is something and I'll do it as your friend, your good friend."

"Thank you Tom, I knew I could rely on you." Tillie gave Tom a peck on the cheek.

"Can I tell you something Tillie?" Tom asked.

"Ever since the prom I've been in love with you. I never understood why you would never go out on a date with me, not until I heard about your being gay anyway. I still love you that way even though I know we can never be together."

Tillie smiled affectionately, "That's right, we can never be together." Tom was hoping Tillie might give him a glimmer of hope however he was prepared to hear otherwise as he did.

The next day Tom and Tillie went to Portland to visit a doctor Tillie knew. Dr. Miriam Cornelius was referred to Tillie because first she was an obstetrician gynecologist and also because she was gay. Dr. Cornelius advised Tillie and Tom on how to optimize Tillie's chances of pregnancy. She privately counseled Tillie on how to handle the situation of being a gay woman having heterosexual sex. When they left both felt more at ease. In the ensuing days they followed Dr. Cornelius's advice perfectly. During a four-day period Tom and Tillie were together several times a day. To be perfectly certain Tillie could have gone for two more days however she had reached her limit on what she could handle. She never told Tom this, rather, she said she had a feeling that they had succeed and she wanted to stop until she found out one way or the other.

Over the next few days some tensions grew between Tillie and Laura over Laura's sexual insecurities. Laura feared she was going to lose Tillie to Tom. Laura confessed to overhearing a conversation Tillie had with Tom where Tom had expressed his love for her.

"Dammit Laura, how dare you listen in on me!"

"I'm sorry Tillie but what of it?"

"Yes what of it?" Tillie replied angrily. She did not wait for Laura to answer saying, "Obviously you didn't stay to hear what followed. I told Tom I could never under any circumstances love him that way. Never!"

"You did?"

"Of course I did. Geeze Laura, you of anyone should know why."

"Yeah I do," Laura replied sheepishly, "I'm sorry Tillie. It's my insecurities showing through. Forgive me?"

In early January Tillie started using a home pregnancy test. Each showed up negative on into February. Tillie began to obsess over the possibility of having to try to get pregnant with Tom again, a thought she did not like at all.

"Why don't you go see Dr. Cornelius before you start jumping to all these conclusions." Laura suggested one day. Tillie saw the wisdom in Laura's suggestion and two days later visited Dr. Cornelius. Tillie left her office elated when she got a preliminary exam that showed she was indeed pregnant. A few days later Tillie got a call confirming her pregnancy and setting up a date for a complete physical.

In late March Tillie began to show her pregnancy slightly. The people of Pierce took it as Tillie putting on a little weight. Those thoughts disappeared as Tillie's stomach grew and by the end of May should could not be confused as being anything other than pregnant. Still, none of the people of Pierce had found the courage to ask Tillie directly about her pregnancy. That is, not until right after mass one Sunday when Fr. Dubois congratulated her. Tillie looked at him a bit strangely when he said this as did Laura. He seemed to have avoided talking at all to either of them since it became obvious Tillie was pregnant. Actually, the priest was looking for a way to find out about it.

"Father, if you want to know about my pregnancy why don't you just ask me?" Tillie said a bit annoyed.

"How did it happen?" The priest asked directly.

"With all respect father but that is none of your business. It has happened because I planned it and obvious God doesn't object either." Tillie said pointedly.

The priest felt Tillie's hostility and desired to drop the subject right there however his curiosity would not allow for that. "Why Tillie?" He asked.

"Why does God not object or why am I having the baby?" Tillie asked but before he could answer she continued, "I can't speak for God of course, it's just my belief. I want to be a mother and I know the state of Maine would never allow me to adopt a child but they cannot take my own child away from me now can they?"

"I'm not so sure." The priest replied.

A chill went through both Laura and Tillie. Although both had considered the possibility they both agreed they could see no way the state would have a case against them. Now they were not so certain. Thoughts of people rebelling against gay couples having children in their household went through their minds along with the thoughts of how such children frequently were removed from such households.

"I will never let them take my baby, never!" Tillie said this with more conviction than even she could remember ever having. "They'll have to kill me."

Fr. Dubois saw the resolve within Tillie and as he still recognized her as a member of his parish he took it upon himself to assist her. He told Tillie and Laura this and they both thanked him in surprise and happiness. They now had an unexpected yet strong ally. Several months prior when Tillie's pregnancy first began to show she told Mr. Johnson at the pharmacy about her condition. He said he was not certain he approved but that since he thought very highly of Tillie, particularly on how loyal an employee she had been, then as he told people in the ensuing months, "I am not going to sack my best employee over something that is none of my business." Mr. Thompson stood by his words though he suffered through some extremely harsh criticism and even a loss of customers.