Loving Lydia

I get on my knees, bow my head, and close my eyes.

We don't do much talking after that. I take a moment to open myself up. To allow myself to believe in a higher power, give into the belief that there is comfort in living a life of order. That if I do right by my morals and look out for my neighbors, regardless of their skin color or anything else, I will be protected and loved unconditionally from above. And then I turn my thoughts to Lydia. She needs to be protected. She needs to find someone who will care for her and love her and give her everything she desires. If I get anything out of this, is to have Lydia's prayers answered. I finish my prayer and then slowly stand.

He gets up too and shakes my hand. "Will I see you in Sunday service?"

"Not this week, I'm afraid." I offer him a small smile.

"May God be with you." He touches my shoulder.

******

Jody runs up to me as soon as I walk out of the church.

"What were you doing in there?" She matches my stride.

"Having a chat." I look down at her worn down gray dress and am reminded of our conversation a few days ago. "Why were you so sure he was going to propose last night?"

Her step falters but she continues walking. "He asked me to invite all of you over since I get along with you all the most."

Or maybe he used our friendship to his advantage. "You might want to get that idea out of your head. I don't think he'll propose. And if he doesn't intend to, you need to stay away from him." With the amount of money he has to flaunt around, it can be easy to hold that over Jody and Bev in the future.

"You're right." We make it far enough to see Lydia's place. "Why are you in a hurry?"

"Have some things to finish up for the day." I realize this is probably the last time I'll see her.

"Oh, I meant to ask. Are you and Miss Lydia fighting again? She was very distracted today."

I take Jody in for a surprise hug and dig my nose into her hair. "Keep looking out for her, Jody. Whatever happens, make sure to stay by her side. She'll need it." Jody can be her angel. She has a sweet soul, something Lydia will need nearby.

Her arms wrap around me cautiously. When she finally pulls back, her eyebrows pull in and she takes her trembling lip between her teeth. "It's time, isn't it? Time for you to leave?"

I wipe the tear threatening to leave her eye and shake my head. "You do whatever makes you happy. Don't settle for what you think your mom wants. She just wants to be there for you."

She nods her head rapidly and her tears start flowing. "Take care. Come back. Write if you can." She says between breaths. "Here." She hands me a small pin that I did not notice on her dress. It is a small silver heart. "It was my dad's. It will keep you safe."

We hug once more and then she walks back to her place with less enthusiasm.

******

Lydia doesn't come home all day.

I wait around, walk outside, try and find some sign of her but I get nothing. I keep an eye out for anything that might need fixing before I leave for good. Jerry is none the wiser about the significance of today. I give him extra treats as we pick up some potatoes. He's a good one. I arrange everything so that a couple of days could go by without needing any tending. I'm sure Lydia will want some time to herself. But eventually she'll move on and start over again. I hate that I'm making her feel the way her bastard husband did not so long ago. I'm worse than he is. I'm sure I'm going to pay for it as soon as I'm away from here.

My nerves are almost shot when I realize I have to leave and meet up with Cindy and Timmy. The sun has set and the crickets have started to sing. I can't keep buying time. I sit down with a piece of paper and ink and try to write something from the heart. Yet nothing comes out. Nothing is good enough. Nothing can excuse what I will put her through. No one will hate me as much as I already do. My eyes burn at the thought of never seeing her again, my stomach sinks. My breath is hollow and I dismiss the note. I don't deserve her audience. Tears slide down my cheeks and I look around her place one last time.

She did the right thing by staying away today. It would have been too painful for us both. I throw some fruits and bread, along with the last bit of my savings into a small bag. I leave her some money, to make up for my stay. It isn't enough but maybe one day I can repay her the way she deserves.

Meanwhile, I will never forgive myself for ruining what we had.

******

By the time I make it to the cottage, I have talked myself into focusing on our upcoming journey.

Lydia will understand. She must. She knows what I do and that I would one day go back. No reason to dwell on the inevitable. For all I know, she will forget about me as surely as the sun is expected to rise tomorrow. Me on the other hand, I don't know if I'll ever feel the warmth of the sun, of its powerful rays. Her essence has left its print all over my wretched heart. Why couldn't I write that down? Why couldn't I be honest as a last goodbye? Because then I may as well be the same bastard who left her in this little town to be forgotten about with one stupid letter. But I will never forget her. I will never start a family. It is impossible to fathom.

So much for focusing solely on the journey.

"It's about time you got here." Cindy rushes to help with my bag and hands it to Timmy. He takes it to the awaiting carriage outside the fence. It was hard getting our transportation to take us two states over, but he will be getting paid every bit it's worth. He was recommended by the old fox from the church, safe to say I trust him about as far as I can throw him. But I don't have time to be picky.

Cindy throws a dress my way and I stare down at it in annoyance. I forgot about this part. I guess it's worth being incognito. Nothing will call more attention to us than having me running around in men's clothing. We need to leave without a trace or any whispers as crumbs. We will effectively be the ghosts that Joseph accused me of being.

I rush to the corner, behind a drying sheet and begin to change.

"I tried to guess you size since it's been a while, but I think it'll be good enough." I hear Cindy explain. She's moving around the room, probably collecting some last-minute things.

I hope Lydia can sell this for a sizable profit. It's built up better than a lot of the homes in town. Cindy steps out and I continue changing, willing for thoughts of Lydia to cease just enough for me to get through the first part of the journey. If Joseph is practical, he will want to keep a close eye on us for the next couple of days, for all I know he could have already hired someone to track me. But I don't think he's been doing much planning. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary when I went about my business today. Which begs the question, is it Lydia he's more concerned with having followed?

Once I'm done changing, I smooth out my skirts and move around, hating the way the corset digs into my ribs and how restrictive my upper body feels. Not to mention the unnecessary weight of it. I understand it will probably be colder where we're headed, but this is ridiculous. How does Lydia make it look so easy to look so elegant in whatever she's wearing?

When I step out from behind the sheet I immediately stop in my tracks when I see Lydia standing by the fire. Her hair is loose behind her. Each strand hinting at gold with each flame from the fireplace. She turns to face me and lifts her chin. She places some clothing on the table. I throw my clothing on the floor.

"What are you doing here?" I walk over to her and hold back from taking her in my arms.

"Were you really going to leave without saying goodbye?" There is a spark in her fire eyes.

I avoid her accusing stare by looking at her dress. I haven't seen her wear it before. It looks expensive, not at all like what she usually wears.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't bring myself to-" Before I can finish my sentence, she slaps my face with enough force to knock the words out of my brain.

With a shaky hand I touch the warm part of my cheek that stings of ardent hunger.

Without another thought I pull her into my arms and avoid any more blows to my ego by securing her hands behind her body. She's cursing my life to the Devil himself but I kiss her so deeply that I even surprise myself with the moans that escape my lips. This feels unreal. Incredible and painfully beautiful. Her lips mold to mine like soft sweets and I kiss her until I'm fighting with every breath to treat her decently and not strip her naked before me.

"I'm sorry." I slowly let go of her hands and touch my swollen lips. Nothing could have prepared me for this goodbye.

"Are you two love birds ready to go? We're starting to run behind." Cindy pops her head into the cottage to announce.

Lydia runs her hands against her hair and fans her face briefly but nods. "I'm ready."

Before she can step away from me, I grab her elbow and pull her back. "Where do you think you're going?"

She tries to shake me off and glares at me when I don't let go. "With you, of course." She enunciates each word as if I'm one of her first-year students.

"Absolutely not." My hand on her arm tightens. I step close to her and lean down to meet her angry gaze. "Go back home. I'll try to write to you when we get to our destination."

"Let go of me." She grinds through her teeth.

Out of instinct my eyes drop to her pouting lips.

"And don't you dare kiss me again to distract me." She pulls away free and starts walking outside without looking back.

I can't help but smile briefly at her words. "I won't kiss you. I promise." I follow her out and watch as Cindy goes back to kill the fire in the house. "But Lydia, please, for once think about what you're doing."

She swiftly turns to look up at me and points a finger to my face. "Don't patronize me! All I've done is think about my actions and what I have been doing since you came into my life!"

Those around us turn away from our bickering and I feel my neck heat up from her scolding.

"Everything I've done is to make sure we can stay together through thick and thin whether you like it or not!" She waits for me to say something.

"Do you know what you're agreeing to if you get in this carriage with us?" My tone is low. She can't possibly know what will await her when we arrive. Days can go by without a decent meal, sitting in the hot or in the cold for hours and hours just waiting for a signal that might not come. She will never be able to marry. She could be killed. How can I get that through her thick skull?

"And do you know what you're giving up if you ask me to stay?" For once her bottom lip starts to tremble and it breaks me enough to wrap her into my arms and kiss her head. "You were really going to leave me." She pushes against my chest.

I pull her tighter and speak through the thick knot in my throat. "It's too dangerous. I don't want to risk losing you."

"You will lose me if I stay, you idiot." She muffles against my chest and hiccups. "Oh God, do you really want nothing to do with me? Would you reckon I will drive you crazy and force you to leave me?" She's crying louder into my chest.

"Nice one, genius." Cindy murmurs in the background. I hear Timmy shush her but I'm reminded that we're on a tight schedule here. We don't have any more time for me to put my foot in my mouth.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I should have asked what you wanted. But you have to know I was just doing what I thought was right. You deserve better than me." I whisper into her ear. "Lydia, you deserve the world. I can't give you that."

She pulls away and wipes her tears. "I don't care about having the world. I just want you! You insensitive ass!" She folds her arms and walks towards the carriage, still upset.

I stand there, empty handed, but feeling like I'm high up in the sky with the stars. She wants me. She chose me. She was the bigger person and now I feel like shit. But I will make it up to her. I'll make sure she knows just how much I want her. I won't let anything happen to her.

Not while I can fight.

******

The carriage ride is a quiet one for the night.

Lydia stares out the small window, dozing off when the sunlight starts to peek through. Cindy rests her head against Timmy's shoulder and sleeps most of the night. I sit back and contemplate the next couple of days. We'll stop twice to eat, use the restroom, and let the horses rest. The third stop will be overnight. I've picked out a busy town that is known for having a lot of foot traffic. We won't be recognized and only stay through the night at a small inn. And then we will ride the rest of the day until we make it to Gail's. She will take us in. I know she will. We just need enough time to arrange our next means of transportation. And to get a word back from Tom. He knows we'll be there. This time next week I will be back with my little crew. And with a beautiful addition.

During our first stop, Lydia gives me the silent treatment. Cindy keeps her company as they use the restroom and clean themselves. I stay with Timmy and we set up a small spot to eat the food we packed. When the ladies are back, we eat in silence, watching those around us. We share some food with the driver, make sure he is still good to go. He tends to the horses, probably ready to head back home. I'm sure we'll need to tip him handsomely to make sure he doesn't talk about this trip to anyone else. Especially the lover's quarrel he witnessed yesterday. He has to keep any word of Lydia out of his mouth.

After eating and refreshing ourselves once more, we continue on our journey. We talk a little more during the day trip, mostly to go over details of our stops. Lydia stays quiet, still staring out the window, effectively ignoring me. Cindy gets a kick out of seeing me gravel but I don't care. I will get her talking to me by the end of this trip. Once the sun starts setting, we pick another town to stop just enough to eat and allow the horses a small rest. We're almost near the small Inn.

"Here." Lydia hands me the little bit of bread she had left over. "I'm full."

"Thank you." I take this small offering with open arms and smile at her.

Her eyes slightly widen and she gives me a weird look. I can't make it out by the time we gather everything and get back in the carriage.

We arrive at the inn in the middle of the night. There is still a lot of movement outside, some coming in and others going out, just like I hoped.

An older gentleman with rosy cheeks stands behind the counter. "How many rooms?"

"Two." I take out my coins and wait for him to gather our fake names and information so we can pay him for the night. "Is there any way we can get two meals sent to each room?"

Usually, the kitchen would be closed in any other inn but this one still has men drinking ale in their dining area. I wonder where their wives are. I'm sure they're wondering where their husbands are.

"It will be right up." He writes something down on his pad.

"And warm bath water please." I wait for the final total and give him the coins. His greedy eyes light up when he looks at my bag but he looks away quickly. "Also, send a meal to the gentleman on the dark green carriage."

I grab the keys and give one set to Timmy.

"We'll blow through our whole savings if we keep this up." Cindy whispers as we go up the stairs.

I give her a pointed look. She shrugs her arms and elbows Timmy for back up. He pulls her to their room and bids us a goodnight. She does have a point, but now that Lydia is with us, that changes things. If I can do anything to make her trip more bearable, I will. I want to make sure she doesn't need anything while we travel. She only deserves the best.

I see the two beds first, across the window. The room is barebones, just enough to sleep through the night. A bed is all we need anyways. Lydia walks over to the bed closest to the window and removes her shoes.

There is a small knock on our door and two girls walk in, one with two buckets of water and the other with a small wooden tub. I guess we'll be showering standing. They quietly set it up and leave as quickly as they came in.

I finally turn to look at Lydia, who is facing the wall, still sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Go ahead and get yourself clean first so you can rest sooner. I can wait." I walk over to the window and look down at the people moving around. I see our coachman brushing the horses down. "While the water is warm." I gently remind her, since she hasn't moved yet.

She comes to stand behind me and I turn to look down at her.

"I'm still mad at you." She announced but steps closer and turns her head to the side.

I lean down slowly and give her a gentle kiss. "I'm sorry." I whisper against her lips.

She sighs and deepens the kiss. I pull back and point at the steaming water. "Take advantage of the warm water, please." I don't need her distraction at the moment. I need to get her settled in and resting.

She pulls me down for one more kiss. "You just look so breathtaking in a dress. I can't wrap my head around it." She starts walking backwards and motions for me to help her with the strings on the back of her dress.

I know my cheeks are burning at the compliment. I try to, unsuccessfully, ignore the tingling between my legs as I watch the bits of clothing drop around her. She begins to pull at my own laces explaining that we can share the warm water. I spend the next half an hour lathering her up with soap and adding more fuel to the heat between us. My fingers glide along her smooth skin, soft curves, and large breasts. Her skin turns a delicate pink under the hot water, and her nipples a brighter rose. She takes her time cleaning every inch of my body, focusing on my arms, hips, and the bush between my legs. We barely make it out of the small tub by the time I give her a ravishing kiss.

The bed sheets are soaked as we roll around, me kissing her and enjoying her squeals, her trembling under my touch. I make sure to choose the bed furthest from the door. With embarrassing ease, I flip her on her back and pin her wrists on each side of her face. She eagerly returns my kisses and I have to quiet her moans. I bring one hand across her face and dip my finger into her inviting mouth. Her warm and wet tongue wraps around in a sensual motion that leaves me panting. Her wet tresses compliment her dark eyes.

I bring the wet finger down to her hard nipple and move it around in lazy circles. Her porcelain-like legs move around, trying to wrap themselves around my hips, and when she finally has what she wants, she rubs her dripping center against my thighs. I pluck her nipple, enjoying the soft moan that escapes her lips. Her face is lost in ecstasy, lips fully pink and wet from our kiss. Her cheeks are burning bright and her nose crinkles a bit with each flick of my finger. Her bright red hair is all over the place, giving her a lioness look, by the time I move on to her other breast. I put us both out of our misery and shift her around so that one of my legs is over hers. I pull her thigh up to her chest, excited at her flexibility. I move my hips and align my wet pussy right above hers. I bring my hand up to move her hair away from her face and push up against her.

Our wet pussies glide against one another in sheer bliss and a loud grunt comes through from the back of my throat. Her eyes pop open and she looks into my eyes, completely lost in the sensation between us. I move in a slow and casual rhythm to get her used to the sensation but it is not long before I reach down between us and use my fingers to uncover both of our swollen clits. With unreserved hunger, I grind my clit against hers and feel my orgasm building with unmeasured speed. Her hips buck under mine and we ride each other to our wits end. I kiss her deeply as her moans bounce off the thin walls. My hips stop moving after we've had our fair share of pleasure and I rest my head against her shoulder.