All Comments on 'Lucy Becomes a Glamour Model'

It really is a great story line, reasonably well presented. However, the biggest let down is the number of spelling errors and grammatical mistakes that pepper the story. I suggest a full read through before posting would probably eliminate many of them.

What a great read I can hardly wait for the next chapter

You should have your work cleaned up by an editor. There are many, many problems with readability.

One example: I doubt if anybody would ever say out loud, "I am a retired model that had swapped one side of the lens for the other and shot content for magazines and web sites, to what the owners ordered and was always looking for new models." I think someone would say, "I was a model. When I retired, I swapped one side of the lens for the other. Now I shoot glamour for magazines and web sites, and I'm always looking for new models." Nearly every quote in your piece needs that level of revision.

Another example:

Needles to say there I was with my boobs only covered by my hands on the cover of the publication, my heart was pounding as I pulled a copy and went to pay in case they recognise me, if they did they did not say anything, back in my room I could not wait to see which photos had been published, needless to say it gave me that excited feeling again.

That makes almost no sense. This, on the other hand, does make sense:

There I was on the cover of the publication, with my boobs only covered by my hands. My heart was pounding as I pulled a copy and went to pay. I was afraid the clerk might recognise me, but if he did he did not say anything. I headed back to my room so I could look at the shots in private. I could not wait to see which photos had been chosen. I found myself getting excited again.

The story concept was good however the execution was terrible. Before submitting the next one i recommend proofreading. Both spelling and grammar leave a lot to be desired.

As a part time model myself, I genuinely enjoyed reading your very fun story. Yes, sure there a few errors, but overall I didn't find them as distracting as some other readers. Thanks for writing, I'll definitely look forward the next installment!

There have been some blunt comments below about grammar and readability. The problem is that end up jarring the reader out of the story if the spelling is weird or grammar is disjointed. I would suggest taking a little time to read through your story as you might find things to tweak and change as you do that, and I’ve certainly found that beneficial for my writing. The other option is to find an editor who could help with that, and perhaps make suggested changes for you to incorporate. The role of an editor is to make the story better for the reader, so something to consider.

I’d also take heart from the comment by ken is more, as they certainly seemed to find it authentic. A decent first effort, and hope we get to see the next chapter soon.

I imagine you put a lot of effort into writing this - but then posted it without proof-reading. There are so many mistakes it is unreadable as an erotic story, so overall your effort has been wasted for want of another 30 minutes of work.

It should be no consolation, but some of your mistakes were funny: nipples that were perturbing rather than protruding, and a beautician that was genital rather than gentle were my favourites.

Also you massively over-use the word 'exclaim'. There are many words that can be used to describe the quality of a spoken phrase... try mixing it up a bit, and especially try to avoid using 'exclaimed' when the context of the story makes it very unlikely the words being spoken would have been exclaimed. For example

"See I told you your (sic) photogenic and sexy, these will bring you in plenty of work, we need to whittle them down to about ten to a dozen, Exclaimed Kate."

First, in real life no one exclaims long sentences like that. Exclamations are short.

Second the subject matter isn't exciting or surprising... it wouldn't be said in an exclamatory tone. It would merely be said, or maybe you could have used 'advised' or 'explained' if 'said' felt a little to basic.

Third, if something is being exclaimed, the English language has a bit of punctuation called an exclamation mark. You don't use it much. For example you could have easily improved the dialogue above like this:

See! I told you you're photogenic and sexy, these will bring you in plenty of work. Now, we need to whittle them down to about ten to a dozen explained Kate.

You have the most important thing... the imagination to come up with this situation. You could reap much more kudos with a little extra care.

..of the typos and the need to have a proofreader, I enjoyed it. The whole concept was hot.

If you do want someone to review your next entry before you submit it, please feel free to reach out.

Either way, I'm looking forward to your next tale.

Fantastic starter! Would have been a 5 without the interrupting spelling and grammer mistakes. Keep writing and let's see what CH. 2 brings. Hoping that I get as hard the next time as I did this time!