Lullaby

"Are you sure, Amy?" Mr. Stanley asked.

Damn that question! "Yes sir, I am positive. I have never slept with anyone other than Will."

Tears were rolling from Mrs. Stanley's eyes in a stream. Mr. Stanley just stared at me with a hard expression. She spoke first, "Please Amy, I am begging you not to cut us off from the baby. Please allow us to get to know our grandchild."

I was completely caught off guard. I hadn't known what to expect but this certainly was not it.

"No, no, of course I want you to know your grandchild," I stuttered. "I came here to tell you so would know that I want you in the baby's life. I won't rob you again. I promise!"

Mrs. Stanley began to shudder as she sobbed. "Thank you, Amy!" she moaned between her sobs.

I slid off my chair and kneeled before her. I could only imagine how hard those words were for her to say. "I am so sorry! Please forgive me!" I pleaded with her. With gentleness that only a mother could show, she stooped and wrapped her arms around me. We wept together. I don't know how or when it happened but when I had finally cried myself out, I realized that my head was in her lap and she was stroking my hair. Tears still streaming down her face. Mr. Stanley was still glaring at me with a hard look. Still on my knees I looked at him and said "Sir, I have wronged you in the worst possible way." He held up his hand for me to stop.

"I am really trying, Amy. But I still have a mountain of anger directed at you and Jake. I am grateful that you will allow us to be a part in our grandchild's life but I still miss Will every moment of every day. As far as I am concerned, you have taken both of my sons from me."

"Is there anyway for me to make it right?"

"No, I need time to process my emotions and only time will let me do that."

I nodded in concession. I looked back at Mrs. Stanley, "Thank you," I whispered. She nodded, then rose and left the room.

I got up from the floor and started to see myself out. "I will let you know everything I can about the baby and its health after every appointment," I told Mr. Stanley.

"Thank you, Amy. We really appreciate it. I hope that your pregnancy goes well and we have a healthy baby."

They were the first kind words he had spoken to me since before Will died. My chin trembled and I nodded as I walked out the front door.

I didn't drive straight back to my parents' house. The past few days were the first time that I had any freedom of movement since the funeral. I had to find a place where I could be alone and think for a little while. I thought of going back to our apartment but I couldn't begin to even really consider it. I don't know if I can ever go back into our former home. Something else I would need to consider. A church or a library would be ideal. They would both offer a quiet place to gather my thoughts. I chose the library as I don't think I belong in a place set aside to meet with God.

I didn't want to talk to my mom or dad but I knew that they would panic if they didn't hear from me after meeting with the Stanleys. I chose to send a text.

Amy: Going to the library to find a quiet place to think. be back later.

Mom: Everything okay?

Amy: yes, just need some time to sort out my thoughts

I entered the library. It had been years since I was last in the building. I hoped that the study lounges were still available. I cautiously approached the circulation desk to inquire about a private space.

"Excuse me, are there any study rooms available right now?"

"Of course, just need to see your library card please."

"I don't have one anymore. I moved away from the area and let it expire."

"No problem, we should be able to reissue you a new one. What's your name miss?"

"Amy Stanley but it was under Amy Franks before."

Her eyes narrowed as she looked up at me. "May I see you ID please Mrs. Stanley?"

"Yes ma'am," I said as I handed her my license.

"This is a Florida license, Mrs. Stanley. I am afraid that our services are reserved for local residents," she said as she returned my ID.

Again, I felt the tears threaten to flow, "I understand," I acknowledged as I put the card back into my wallet. I fled the building quickly and quietly. As I sat down in my car I began to weep again. It's a terrible feeling to know that you are unwelcome in your old hometown, but this was entirely my own fault.

I headed to a small park on the edge of town. Maybe I could find a pavilion that would give me some peace and quiet. I just wanted to not feel the need to cry every minute of every day. I needed to find some way to find some peace and to be able to celebrate the child growing inside of me. It was the last vestige of Will's love for me. I wanted to honor our love and remember the beauty of our lives before I lost my soul.

I chose the pavilion furthest from the main park that was empty. I took my bag from the passenger seat and took a seat facing away from everyone else. I needed to figure out where I am going to live and how I am going to make a living. I wanted and was going to need all the help I could get for the next few years. As much as I hated the idea, the most logical thing to do was to move back here. The looks and the comments were going to rip my heart apart daily but I wouldn't be able to take care of the baby without mom's help. Also, I wanted the Stanleys to have as much time as possible with the baby.

The baby. What would I call him or her? What if it is a little boy? I knew that it made no sense to get my hopes up but I desperately hoped that it would be a little boy. He could never replace my Will but it would give me some hope if there was little boy that was anything like his father. I had fucked up so badly, but if Will had a son, then maybe the world wouldn't be as ruined.

"Amy?" a voice broke my concentration.

I knew his voice but I was still shocked when I turned to face Jake. He was wearing running clothes but he looked haggard and hollow. "Amy, how are you doing?" he asked

"Not too good, Jake. You look pretty rough yourself."

"Yeah, too many sleepless nights, too many days in the bottle."

"I thought you were leaving town, headed to Virginia?"

"Yeah, I was but I had to report the police investigation back to my employer. When he found out what happened, he told me that he didn't trust my decision making and thought it would be better for me to find a different opportunity."

"I am sorry; what are you going to do now?"

"Not sure, I am checking into working security for cargo vessels or tankers. The money is not as good as what I would have been making but I don't really have any ties and it would be enough to keep me satisfied. What about you? Still headed to Tallahassee for the job you lined up?"

"No, I am be tied down here for a while. Things have changed a lot for me in the past couple of days."

"Everything okay? Your parents aren't trying to hold you against your will, are they? I can help you get away if you need help, Amy."

"No, I am going to need them more than ever; your parents too."

"My parents? Are they speaking to you? Dad told me not to contact them until he gave me permission. I haven't seen or heard from them since the day of the service."

"I spoke with them today. I had some important news and they allowed me to come to their house."

"What news?"

"I found out that I am pregnant. Will would have been a daddy," I sobbed.

"Oh Amy! I'm, I'm, I'm not really sure what to say"

He reached out to comfort me but I immediately shrank back. He looked at me uncomfortably. "I'm sorry Jake but I can't; I just can't."

"I understand, Amy. It broke something inside of me too. I'm not sure what I can ever do to be right again. Amy, I am not sure if this is right but I feel responsible for you and the baby. It's my fault that Will's baby won't ever know its father. I want to help you anyway I can. Please let me know if you need anything. Money, transportation, anything!"

I nodded, "Thank you, Jake but I think I just need some space for a while."

"Okay, but please call me if you need anything."

The next week I was able to put a semblance of a plan together. I would stay at parents while I looked for a job, then I would find my own place. I had my first OB appointment the following Monday. Our landlord had been gracious enough to allow me to start paying month to month on our old apartment but I had to get everything out of there before the first came around. Not that I really wanted any of the stuff in there but I needed to get the picture and the bedroom suite that we had bought together.

My money was really getting tight but I hadn't had to pay for much in the past three weeks. The really screwed up part of all of this was that I had received Will's survivor benefit from social security and a tiny life insurance policy that Will had set up after we got married. I had insisted on using it to pay for Will's funeral but his parents rejected me. It hurt me. I had failed Will in every way.

Amy: Dad I need your help with something.

Dad: I'm here for you, sweetheart

Amy: I need to get our old apartment cleaned out by the end of next week. can you do it for me?

Dad: I can do it but i'm not sure about the timing. I am tied up with a project at work. If you go with me then maybe we can get it done over the weekend.

Amy: I'm not sure that I can go in there again. Let me see if I can find someone else that can help before I have to go back in there.

Unfortunately, I didn't have anyone else. I thought about asking Jake but I'm pretty sure that it would be just as hard for him as it would be for me. So, the following Saturday, my dad and I drove down to my old apartment. The evidence seal and crime tape had been removed and the front door looked so normal. I dreaded opening the door but nothing could have really prepared me for what was waiting for me.

I unlocked the door and took several deep breaths before opening it. As soon as the door cracked a strong odor filled my nose and I retched. The metallic smell of blood permeated the small apartment. My dad grabbed me before I completely collapsed.

"Sorry Amy, I didn't realize it was going to be this bad. I'll go in and see what I can do to make it easier."

I sat outside the door trying to compose myself. That's when I saw Carla walk up to her front door in the next unit. She saw me and I could tell she was struggling with how to respond to my presence. I summoned up courage and said "Hi Carla."

She paused at her door and looked at me slumped down on the concrete by my old front door. "Hi Amy. Are you going to be moving back in?"

"No, I'm just trying to get our things out before rent comes due again. My dad is inside trying to make a plan."

"How are you holding up?"

"Not well. I'm going to stay in Alabama while I try to sort myself out. I never got a chance to say it but thank you for all that you and Danny did for us. Y'all were great neighbors and friends. I will miss you both. And thank you for...being there, you know that night. I am so sorry for putting you both through that."

"The nightmares still wake me up at night, Amy. I'm not sure I will ever be able to forget it. To be honest, I'm glad that you're moving away. I can't believe what you did to Will. He was a really great guy. Danny will be home in about an hour and we can help you with the big stuff."

"Thank you, Carla. I will see what dad has to say when he comes back out."

Dad's head appeared through the door. His complexion had lost all color. He acknowledged Carla by shaking her hand and knelt beside me. "Amy, I think I made a mistake by bringing you back here. The kitchen area hasn't been cleaned up since that night and it's really bad. We need to think about what you really want then grab it and go. Mom and I will hire a service to come in and clean the apartment, it's just too much of a job for us."

I nodded at him but now I had a strange, morbid desire to see our former home one last time. "I want to go back to the bedroom and get our furniture out of there and there's a picture hanging on the living room wall that I need. There may be a few keepsakes that I remember when I'm in our room but I don't want the furniture or anything from the kitchen." My stomach was now tumbling as I thought about walking through the door.

My dad nodded grimly, "If you're sure. Let me go in and try to air it out a minute and then we'll go get a moving trailer so we can get everything in one trip. By the time we get back maybe the smell will have cleared a little."

Carla spoke up, "Danny should be back by then. He can give you a hand."

Dad disappeared again for few minutes, then came back and said, "Come on, let's go get what we'll need."

45 minutes later, we were back in front of my old apartment with a trailer, a utility dolly, and some extra boxes. I had hoped that it would all fit in dad's truck, but he was determined to never come back after this trip.

I step through the threshold and tears began to flow. Will had carried me over it our wedding night. Because of me he had been carried over it in a body bag. The smell was weaker but still noticeable. I headed straight to the picture of Will and me on our wedding day. My head was tucked against his right shoulder and there was a contented smile on my face. He was looking down at me like I was his whole world. A sob caught in my throat when I looked at it. I carefully removed it and tucked it to my chest. Oh, I am a fucking moron! A complete and utter bitch!

Dad gently grabbed my shoulders and guided me to the bedroom. He sat me on the bed and let me cry for a few minutes. There was a knock at the front door and he left to answer it. Danny came back to the bedroom with dad. "We're going to start with the furniture in here," dad said. "Take a minute to compose yourself and tell us what you want and we will get it loaded so we can get out of here."

I was able to nod and they began to get the dresser and side tables from our old bedroom. I hate myself so much! I moved off the bed so they could disassemble it and take it out. I stumbled to our old closet. A few of Will's clothes still hung there. I grabbed one of his favorite dress shirts and pulled it to my face. His scent lingering on it. I slipped it on desperately wishing it was his arms that were wrapping around me. Danny and dad came back into the room and watched me cling to my picture wrapped in Will's shirt. With tears in his own eyes, dad asked me, "What else do you need sweetheart?"

"Can, can, can I have his clothes please," I managed to get out between sobs.

Dad nodded. "And can I have any pictures of us, please?" I added.

Danny looked at my father and said "If that's all the big stuff, then I'm going to get out of here." He hadn't addressed me the whole time he was here.

"Yeah I think that's all that we're going to take, thank you Danny," Dad told him.

I looked at Danny and said, "Danny thank you for..." but before I could say anything else he waved a dismissive hand and walked away.

30 minutes later, everything was loaded and we were headed back to Alabama. They say, "You don't know what you have until you have lost it." My first love had come to me easily and I didn't truly understand its value. I had thrown it away so I would live with mourning and regret for the rest of my life.

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By the time I was 4 months along, I had found a job and a small rent 2-bedroom home to rent. Thankfully the baby was doing well. Mom went with me to the last ultrasound and we had hoped to find out the sex of the baby but it wouldn't tun the right way so we would have to wait another month or two.

The job wasn't what I dreamed about but the nightmare that my life had become was my fault. None of the companies in town wanted to hire me so I was working remotely helping companies, organizations, and charities write and edit press releases. It was contracting work so there were no benefits and I was struggling to pay for my medical care. My parents and the Stanleys both insisted in helping with the baby's care. I had followed through on my promise to Mr. Stanley and called them after every appointment. They were always cordial but the closeness that I had with them was gone.

I had dinner with my parents every week but no one else would be caught socializing with me. I spent most of my days and nights alone. I had placed Will's picture beside our bed. I would lay there each night and talk to him. I would tell him how sorry I was and how much I missed him. I would tell him about our baby and how much I hoped that it would grow up and be like him. I would cry the entire time I talked with him until I slipped off to sleep. Day after day they were largely the same. I would have ended it but I had to take care of our baby. I had failed Will in the worst way but I had learned my lesson. I would love our baby unconditionally.

At 6 months along, I had another ultrasound. This one wasn't a typically scheduled ultrasound. Mrs. Stanley had requested a 3D ultrasound and had paid for it. She said that I would be okay if mom went but I asked her to accompany me instead. We had to drive a couple of hours and I hoped that spending time with her would allow us to re establish a bond. She picked me up at my house early in the morning and we headed north to the larger hospital that had the newer machine.

"Good morning, Mrs. Stanley," I said quietly.

"Amy, please call me Tina. I know that there's a lot of distance between us but I really do want to close both you and the baby."

"Yes ma'am. I'll try"

There was uncomfortable silence as we drove along. Finally, she asked, "How are the decorations for the nursery coming along? Do you have a theme or color palate that you are working with? I would love to see the baby's room and what you are working on."

"I have started buying furniture and things when I find a good deal on them. I guess you could say the style is pretty eclectic. I am waiting to find out the baby's sex before really picking a theme. I was thinking about baseball if it's a little boy and but I don't really have any ideas for a girl. I guess in my heart I'm really hoping for a boy."

"Do you have names picked out?"

"Yes ma'am but if it's okay I want to wait until the gender is revealed before I share them."

"I understand. Did you pick out names for you future kids when you were a little girl?"

I giggled, "Yes ma'am but I don't think I'll be using them. They were pretty ridiculous."

"Oh come on, they couldn't have been that bad"

"They weren't bad they were just based upon my celebrity crushes."

"Now I am afraid to ask," she laughed "but I have to know."

"I may have watched the Pirates of the Caribbean one to many times. My boy name was Orlando Turner and my girl name was Keira Elizabeth. It always sounded so romantic to me to run around the world with a bad boy."

Her eyes fell. I had betrayed my fantasy that had led to my downfall. She understood my attraction to Jake. "Be careful with bad boys, Amy. They'll break your heart and wreck your world."

"Yes ma'am," was the only thing I could say. The uncomfortable silence returned but neither of us was willing to break it.

The ultrasound broke the tension. She had offered to remain in the waiting room but really wanted her with me and told her so. Reluctantly, she agreed to join me. As I laid back on the gurney and exposed my small baby bump, I asked her to hold my hand. Tentatively, she slipped her hand into mine and we watched the technician began the procedure.

She began with the typical measurements and statistics before moving along to the baby's features. My heart leapt when I saw the baby. They paused for a moment and the machine offered a 3D rendering of the baby's face. I saw the little eyes, nose, and mouth. Hope is the only word to describe my emotions. This little life gave me hope that I hadn't completely thrown my life away.