Lullaby

"Do y'all know the sex of the baby yet or would you like to?" the technician asked.

"Yes ma'am please," I replied and held my breath.

"Well, that little thing right there means you're having a boy."

Tears of joy streamed from my eyes! I looked over at Tina and she smiled at me.

The technician printed off several pictures for us, in triplicate.

"Thank you so much," I told her.

"Tina, may I hug you?"

"I would like that."

She held me for at least a full minute. "Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this today, Amy. I know that its hard to be around us but I want you to know that I have forgiven you and Rob has as well. All of us will always share this hurt but we do love you and want you to continue to be a part of our family."

"Thank you, Tina" was all that I was able to get out without completely losing control.

Our return trip started off pretty quietly. I tried breaking the ice by asking "Have you and Rob settled on your grandparent names?"

She smiled at me, "I think we're going with the old standbys Mamaw and Papaw. Have your parents picked theirs?"

"They chose Gigi and Poppee. Where they came up with those, I will never know but they're the ones that have to convince Liam to say those when he's a teenager."

She gasped when I mentioned Liam. "Is that what you're going to name him?" she asked with tears in her eyes.

"Yes ma'am, if it's alright with you his legal name will be William Jonathan Stanley Jr, but we will call him Liam."

"You don't need our permission but I really appreciate you honoring his dad. May I ask why Liam and not Will?"

"It's silly but I still talk to Will every night. I know he can't hear me but he was my best friend. I pretend that he has forgiven me and that we will be together in the future. It's the only way I can cope with what I have done. I don't Liam hearing me talking to his father and get confused."

Through her tears she acknowledged me with a nod. We didn't talk much the rest of the way home.

Months six and seven of my pregnancy went by without too much discomfort. My baby bump had grown into a baby mountain. I would lay in bed at night talking to Will and tell him what it was like to fell Liam moving around. I still had dinner with my parents at least once a week and now the Stanleys had made it a habit to have me over as well. Mr. Stanley had asked me to call him Rob and tried to be friendly but I could still sense the sadness. I know that it is a trust issue but I'm not sure how to get past it.

I was 8 and a half months along when I woke up in the middle of the night in terrible pain. I was so scared. I checked the bed and was relived to find it wasn't wet with amniotic fluid. I looked over at Will's picture and asked him "What should I do, baby? This is probably just false labor but I'm so scared. I wish you were here, Will."

I decided to call my mom. No answer. I called Tina with the same result. I was starting to feel panicky. I really had no one. There was one other person that offered to help, reluctantly I hit his contact.

"Hello" Jake's groggy voice came through my phone.

"Hey Jake, where are you right now?

"Back home, just got off the boat this afternoon. Are you okay?"

"I am having contractions and I'm scared."

"When are you due?"

"Not for another 3 weeks."

"I'll be there in 20 minutes."

While I was waiting, I started timing my contractions. They were about 9 minutes apart.

Shortly after the second the contraction, I heard a knock on the door. I waddled my way to the front door and opened it. Jake stood there in jeans and a t-shirt; his hair was a complete mess. "Let's get you to the hospital."

He carried my bag to his truck and helped me inside. 15 minutes later we were in the ER triage cubicle. I was still having contractions; they were now 7 minutes apart. I was quickly ushered up to the delivery floor and the nurse practitioner can in to see me. She turned to Jake and introduced herself, "I'm Emily Walton, nurse practitioner."

"Jake Stanley" he offered his hand.

"I need to give your wife a quick examination, could you step outside for me?"

"She's not my wife; she's my sister-in-law," turning to me he said, "I'll be right outside if you need anything."

After a quick pelvic exam Nurse Walton looked at me with concern. "Mrs. Stanley you're headed for early labor. We are going to keep you here tonight and give you a tocolytic. This should delay labor for a few days. We're also going to give you two rounds of steroids that should help your baby's lungs develop a little faster. We don't believe he would be in terrible shape if he was born tonight but we think it would be best to give him a little more time to develop. Do we have your consent to treat?"

My tears began again. I keep waiting for a day when I can go all day without crying. "Yes, of course."

"No need to worry. Alright, try to get some rest tonight. We would like you to remain in the bed as much as possible. Hit your call button if you need anything but especially if you experience anymore contractions."

As she walked out, Jake walked back in. "Are you okay?"

"No, they're going to keep me here overnight. You should head home and get some rest. When do you leave for sea again?"

"I pick my contracts so I can be here as long as I like. I would be happy to stay here with you tonight, if you would allow me."

"Please don't Jake. I'll be okay. I'm sure your mom or my mom will see my missed call and come by tomorrow."

"You've been talking with my mom?" he asked in surprise.

"Yeah, we are trying to rebuild our bond before the baby comes. Haven't you talked to your parents?"

"No, I haven't spoken to them in since Will's funeral. It's not unusual for us to not talk for months at a time."

"This is different Jake. You and I both know it. Your parents even say they have forgiven me but I am not sure your dad is completely on board with the idea."

"Yeah, he's the one that told me to stay away."

"I'm not sure where he's at with you now, but you should call them before you leave for sea again."

"I'll think about it."

"No, please call them. In fact, please call your mom in the morning and let them know that I am here. It will at least start the ball rolling."

"Okay, I'll let'em know."

"Thank you for being here for me tonight, Jake. I'm really glad that you got me here when you did."

"Good night, Amy."

"Good night, Jake. One more thing, could you hand me my bag?"

"Sure, you want the whole thing or something out of it?"

"There's framed picture on top of my clothing. That's what I really want but I can get it out."

"I'll get it for you" he said as opened the zipper. I heard him sigh sadly as he saw the picture. "I really fucked up didn't I" he whispered to me as he handed me the photo.

"We both did" I said and nodded at him.

"Good night, Amy."

"Good night, Jake. Please call your mom for me."

With a nod, he left the room.

I held Will's photo again tonight. Hugging it against my chest. "He's going to be here soon, honey. I hope he's like you Will. I hope he's honest, smart, and loyal like you were. I hope he can forgive me for taking his daddy away before he was even born. Oh, I miss you Will. I wish I hadn't said those terrible things to you. I mean it when I say I will love you forever Will."

Another nurse came in looking curiously. "Do you have company? I need to get this IV going right away."

"No ma'am, I was just talking to my husband."

"I thought he just left?"

"No that was my brother-in-law, this is my husband" I showed her my picture.

Recognition flickered across her face. She didn't say anything else as she started my IV and injected the drugs to delay my delivery. She also jabbed my thigh with a needle of steroids to help Liam. She was professional but cool as she finished her work. She didn't utter another word as she left the room.

I tried to sleep but they had attached a monitor around my midsection to monitor my contractions and Liam's vitals. I found it impossible to get comfortable. I slipped between sleep and consciousness. Every so often a care tech would come in and take my vitals but there wasn't much conversation, I guess they all knew who I am and what I had done.

Finally, at 7 my phone began to ring. It was my mother returning my call.

"Hi mom, yeah I'm okay. Well sorta, I'm in the hospital."

"What happened; is the baby okay?!"

"Yes ma'am, Liam is fine. He was trying to get a head start. They had to stop my contractions but we're okay. I may be here for a few days."

"I'll be there within an hour or two. Let me get your father off to work and I'll call out for the day."

"It's fine, mom. You can go to work too. I know you used all you paid time off months ago. I'll probably still be here this afternoon when you get off."

"Okay but I'll be there as soon as I get off. I love you."

"Love you too, mom. I'll see you later."

As soon as I had put my phone on the beside table, Tina and Rob walked in. I braced myself not really sure what to expect. If they had heard from Jake and I suspected they had old wounds may have reopened. Tina looked at me with compassion and pity.

"Amy, how are you and Liam doing?"

"Okay, this morning. It was a scary night."

"Yeah, I'm sorry we missed your call last night" Rob said, "We were pretty surprised to hear from Jake this morning. I am glad that he answered your call last night."

"I don't have a lot people that I can call on. I haven't spoken to him in months but he was there when I needed someone last night. I appreciate him."

"Yeah, it was good to see him do the right thing" Rob murmured.

"How long will you be here?" Tina asked.

"I'm not really sure," I started to say but was interrupted as the doctor walked in.

"Good morning Mrs. Stanley, I'm Dr. Butler. After looking at vitals and contractions I think it's safe to let you leave today but you will need to be on bed rest. Additionally, you will need someone with you constantly so they can bring you back here if the contractions start again. We're going to give you the second steroid injection and then discharge home if you have someone that can stay with you. Will that work for you?"

I wasn't sure what I could say. I could and definitely wanted to go home but I wasn't sure if my mother could be there with me 24/7. She had taken a lot of time off right after Will's funeral. "I'm sure that I will be fine and can find someone to stay with me" I assured the doctor.

Tina nodded her head in agreement. "I will be there with her until Liam is ready to make his appearance."

I mouthed a silent "Thank you" to her and tried to listen to the doctor's instructions. I droned on but the short story was that I wouldn't be able to do anything until after my delivery.

"Any questions?" he concluded.

"How long will the drugs delay my contractions?"

"It's hard to say. Ideally until full-term, more likely for the next few days but every day will be a win for you and for the baby. Just do your best to stay as relaxed as you possibly can."

"Thank you doctor."

I called my mom and let her know the latest and then Rob and Tina drove me back to my little house.

Rob helped me back into the house while carrying my bag. I made the mandatory pregnant lady stop in the bathroom before heading back to my bedroom. I climbed into the bed with Tina's help. She left the room for a moment and I heard them talking in hushed tones that were too low to be understood from my bedroom. Shortly after they finished Rob appeared in my door knocking on the frame.

"Amy, can we talk for a minute?"

"Yes sir, I don't know how I could ever refuse you anything you ask of me. I owe you too much."

"No Amy, I'm not holding anything against you. Jake mentioned that you weren't too confident in my forgiveness but let me assure you, Amy, you have it. Shortly after Will's passing, I had some really evil thoughts toward you and Jake both. I told you that you had taken both my boys because I was ready to kill Jake for what he had done to his little brother but then I realized that made me just as guilty. Will died to preserve his ideal of love. Right or wrong he made his vow to love you and remain faithful to you for his entire life. When you decided to leave him, he couldn't or wouldn't release himself from his vow. He did what he thought he had to do and as much as I want to hold him blameless, I know he has a part in this tragedy as well. That being said, I respect Will's devotion to his love and to you. I can't hate you because Will loved you to death. Literally. My hesitancy is just the residual pain. Every time I see you, I am reminded that my son is gone. I do love you, Amy, but it hurts to see you. Hopefully, you can understand. I'm glad Tina will be here with you. I will be by to drop off food and anything else you need. If you want anything, even a specific brand of pickles, just ask. And thank you for encouraging Jake to call us. I need to have a similar conversation with him."

The tears rolling down his cheeks reminded me of the pain that I had caused him. No wonder Will was such a great man, he had a great example at home.

With a trembling chin I nodded at Rob. "Thank you and again I'm so sorry."

He wrapped his had around the back of my head and pulled me close. I cried into his shirt and then he whispered into my ear "Don't worry, it's all forgiven." His words made me sob even harder. After I was able to regain control, he released me and told me "Good night."

"It's getting better. Thank you so much, Rob."

I lasted four days. I didn't leave the bed except to go to the bathroom or shower. Each day we celebrated and hoped for another but on Friday evening my water broke and there was nothing to do but get to the hospital.

William Jonathan Stanley, Jr came into the world at 10:57 pm. He was just over 19 inches long and weighed in at 7 lbs. 4 oz. He cried like a banshee I couldn't have been prouder.

It would have been the happiest day of my life but there was an empty spot on the right side of my bed where Will should have been standing. I was grateful that they allowed me to have my picture there but I would have given my last breath to feel Will's hand in mine the moment our son came into the world.

Both his and my parents were overjoyed. They kept crowding around Liam's bassinet cooing over him. I was so thankful for them and so lonely at the exact same time. A gift basket arrived for Liam from his uncle Jake. I asked Rob about him but he said that Jake was at sea again. He had tried to sit down with him and talk through their issues but that was never Jake's way. I felt bad for Jake. I always thought that there was something he wanted to say but could never find the words. I am relieved that he never brought up the subject of our ill-fated romance. I had learned what real love looks like and I honestly don't believe that Jake could have every given it to me. He was too in love with his adventurous lifestyle to really love another person more than he loved it. I just wished I had learned it sooner.

Single motherhood is my penance. I had talked to both my father and Will's. I told them I wanted to have them to help me raise Liam like Will would have wanted. My standing in our community has left me pretty much untouchable by any man around my age and I couldn't imagine loving anyone more than I love Will. Like I said before, I believe in heaven and can only hope that I will see him there. With everything inside of me I want to feel him hug me one more time.

Epilog:

For the first time in years, Will's picture is not on my bedside table. I still talk to it every night when I curl up in the bed that we bought together. I still wear his old shirts when I am especially lonely. But today I brought Will's picture to the dining room table. Today is a day that I have been dreading for 18 years. I have to tell Liam the whole story of his father's life and death. Everything. I'm terrified. Liam has grown into a wonderful man. He's slightly taller than Will was but he has his father's athletic ability and brilliant mind. Liam is the final person I must apologize to. He's so much like his dad I just hope that he will forgive me and allow me to continue to be part of his life.