All Comments on 'Magic Trick'

Nice. Good first story. If she hadn't cheated already, she was definitely on the way. Maybe she'll grow up and be ready for a committed serious relationship that shows mutual respect - in about 10 years!

Good one, when I was reading it and saw I was just one paragraph from the finish I thought to myself this is not going to be tied up properly I will be disappointed ,but to my surprise and pleasure you pulled it off well done

So they'd been together three years and he suddenly decides she must be cheating every time she goes out without him?

The problem with such short stories is that there's little room to build anything, and this failed miserably. Not much story, and even less invention. My lasting feeling was 'who gives a fuck?'

I guess the author's longer efforts should be better, at least they might have a plot.

Reasonable first attempt I await your next story with interest

That was amusing. Thanks

Too many writing mistakes for even a first story. Did you read the text before publishing?

not a bad first attempt but it needs more meat to the story!

I would have liked another sentence adding to the "fun in the bathroom", did he know she was doing something? Otherwise, good narrative flow and a fresh approach to a well worn genre. 5*

Quite well done. Nice plot. It's understood that an author can't put too many details into 750 words, but you did a fine job of communicating the important ones. Whatever errors there may have been didn't detract enough for me to notice. Looking forward to see what else you have to write.

The magic trick alone was worth 4*****!

Great start. Good even story. More please.

Good story but short. I look forward to reading your future submissions.

Write more. Well done.

Wonderful first story. Looking forward to many more.

Great first story.

"Half an hour later, the sound of a car pulling up, followed by the doorbell ring. Openning the door, revealed one of the the ' girlfriends' applying for the job with her open thenchcoat, revealing her credentials...."

Nice sory, well written, keep it up.

Be safe

This is the way.

A female who insists on going out with her girlfriends every Friday to party isn't mature enough to be called a woman. She is still single at heart, an engagement ring won't change that. Same applies to the male of the species.

Good for him.

Every time a different character speaks, its a new paragraph, not the way you have it here, Also LOVING WIVES, not LOVING FIANCE'S!

Just great .... your first story is one that "I" have already read 200 times!

You need to break up the dialogue into separate paragraphs, it's confusing trying to follow which character is speaking when it's jumbled together into a single paragraph. Good first effort.

Um

Left me wanting a longer version.

Well done.

Writing correctly is practice, stories however are the key.

Good job.

Someone who can't tell [and spell] the difference between fiance [male] and fiancee [female] really shouldn't be writing.

Poor character development. The "protagonist" is a moron -- it took him three years to figure out his fianceE was a a slut who couldn't/wouldn't bother to be faithful.

Poor conflict development and really trite, predictable resolution.

Sure hope you improve a whole lot more before your next submission. Thanks for trying all the same try harder with an editor or re-read it umpteen times before hitting submit.

Ignore the "writing mistakes boors" . Good first effort but needs filling out more; please write more stories and develop the characters and extend the ending.

True, it would take a magic spell to turn a garden tool into a woman. Did you mean ho, short for wHOre?!?

Apart from not having the slightest clue how to distinguish dialogue between two different people, it's not a bad story. Hint: you don't put the he said/she said in the same paragraph, or even worse, in the same damn sentence. Ridiculously bad. Read literally any book ever written, and find plenty of examples, then contrast what you find with this above, nearly incomprehensible way of formatting supposed dialogue to see the difference.

Yep as they say she is for the street.

“I've been working overtime like a madman trying to avoid charging any of my soon-to-be wife's day.”

.

????

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Sounds like he knew more than the story revealed. But even if he didn’t…that attitude of hers was pure marriage poison.

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Nice first effort. 4 ****. More please.

4 for story; 1 for technical. You really need to read more and observe how other people write. A glaring problem is that you have two people having a conversation within one paragraph. If you have read any novels are short stories written by any author, anywhere and published by any publisher, anywhere, you would know not to do that. It’s confusing and improper. I’m a new author as well and definitely not an expert, but you absolutely need to read more of the highly rated stories on this site and pay attention to how they are constructed.

The magic thing made a great ending. One small piece of writing advice. When the convo changes from one character to another, it's a new paragraph.

"She backed up and stared at me and said, "What do I do now?"

I said, "Well, you can take the guy back to your old place instead of three minutes of fun in the bathroom now. Good thing your lease wasn't up. Your shit will be in trash bags tomorrow to pick up."

Good story but it took him 8 months ( or 3 years ) of "girls night out" to figure out she's a selfish slut???

Well, you'll get a lot of pats on the back from dudes that hate women, and your stories will be completely forgotten about five minutes after they're read. If that's what you're after, then great start.

She then said 'what do I do now' were very telling. Gee wizz she must really loved him and was so sorry...NOT. BJH

I think the story would be better with her reaction but not bad. Good luck if you decide to write more.

I liked the story, but was a bit confused about the last paragraph. The whole, take a guy to old apartment or three minutes in the bathroom now..

750 word stories are hard to write. This was excellent. Congratulations. 5

Smart man cutting his losses before he married her. She's definitely not a keeper. Good first story. Thanks for posting.

Seems as if he should have acted a long time before that. Good start. D

Nicely written. Short & to the point. No reason to go any further. Hope to see more from you.

@ANON ????

Yeah, that sentence had me going for awhile. ‘Charging’ as putting marriage

expenses on a credit card.

Three years of her going out every Thursday with her single buddies is 2.8 years too many.

Well, that settles that!

5

Excellent.......great time to get while the getting's is good.

With that attitude now, it will not get any better later!

BTW why is he stressing to pay for the wedding? Where is the parent's contribution and hers? Just curious!

Interesting take on a not so blinded by love man. Look forward to your other takes on male female relationships.

So much more believable then the ones where the dumb codependent schmuck keeps hanging on until it's literally shoved in his face because he "loves her so much."

Short and sweet.

Great 1st story. Love the line “Poof, your single again”! Thanks for writing….. look forward to future stories.

5⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Pretty good first try with something difficult - 750 words. You need to do a better job editing.

3* for the effort. 750 word stories are not easy

Good first story!

a short flash story is NOT easier to write. you did okay with this but it would have been better as a longer one.

The guy obviously knows what she has been doing. 3 minutes in the bathroom? and he put up with it? why? and why is he just now confronting Her?

I'd recommend expanding this. try to get at least a little of his emotional state down. at least his reasoning. Gamblnluck

Very nice, 5/5

Good story but the ending was too short. You undo engagement for GNO only when you have tolerated it your whole time together? I’m not saying stop writing btw. I just like a bit more real guilt for a breakup. Maybe he had a friend stop by the club at midnight and found her making out….

@Swordwielder, it's not even what she might have already done, but she's made it clear that she intends to continue her Friday GNOs after they're married.

\

BTW, "fiancé" is the man, the woman is a "fiancée."

Really good 750 word story. The pacing didn’t feel rushed and came to a complete resolution.

Not bad for a first shot . Let's see what else you have in your arsenal !

The keep writing- decent stuff so far !

Good story, full marks. Yeah, you made some mistakes, but writing a story for the first time is SO different from just reading a story. You did fine and you'll improve. Thanks for posting. 5 stars.

5***** for a great quicky

Not bad for a firstie. Please write out and post your other ideas?

Maybe your next mc will have a bit more discernment?

Could have been a 5 if it was longer, with more detail. Very good first story, though.

DON'T write conversations as one paragraph. When the character talking changes, start a new paragraph.

"Ignore the "writing mistakes boors" ."

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Good rule of thumb: ignore the ones who can't just post their opinion but have to trash those who dare to have a different opinion.

Excellent. Short and to the bone.

Captcha

I enjoyed the tale. It amazes me how many people have no imagination and must have everything spelled out for them. Oh well, keep up the good work.

Very nice.y done! I look forward to your future stories

Great trick in a good story.

Not bad.

I think it would have been an improvement to end the story at "Poof, you're single again." Even better still if that had been his response to "...I'll do what I want, and you'll be ok with it if you want to marry me."

Three stars.

When writing a conversation, every time you switch between characters, you start a new paragraph. You also want to periodically mention who just spoke so that the readers don't get confused.

Just a little friendly advice. Very good first effort!

"If you leave tonight, I'm not sure what I'm going to do."

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With that kind of weak dithering and uncertainty, maybe she just wanted to spend time with a Man for a change. Its obvious the wife's personality and character have not changed from when he met her. So why did it take him this long to determine she was not ready to by his wife, or Any man's wife for that matter? Where's the drama and suspense if she's been doing this pretty much since he met her? By this time she probably figured he was OK with it, or was too weak to do anything about it. She'll be much smarter for the next man, and choose a much better man to be smarter for. This guy was a dumb shit for busting his ass for this ungrateful whore.

Achieves the point of the story very directly. I think the writer did an excellent job establishing the characters' viewpoints and completing the story.

I don't usually like stories with unhappy endings, but she deserved this one.

Well done. Keep writing.

Enjoyable read, but confusing dialogue. Author could use an editor or at least a proofreader. Several observations: fiancé was referred to as “wife”; speakers changed from sentence to sentence without cues to who was talking. I DID like the guy’s magic trick, and the final “hoe” / “housewife” observation. Three stars ⭐️ for this one.

Very good *****

Amen brother

If Justplainbob stories ended like that, there wouldn't be any Justplainbob stories.

Nicely done. Thanks and looking forward to more of your work.

Now that you’ve had your appetizer, it’s time to serve up the main course

Not a bad start to your career.

Great and successful magic trick. I agree, cut your losses now before it is too late and expensive. 5*

A fine story.

It's always a plus in my book

when humor is included.

Top ratings from me.

Attaboy

Nice first try.

Need more tightening up in the future, though - writing 'obviously' twice in the same sentence is not good grammar.

We're still expecting great things from you, Mr. McThunder.

It always amazes me when many writers describe a situation where a man abruptly tears the rings off the finger of his wife/fiancee, unexpectedly or unnoticed by her. To do this, at least, the finger must be intentionally unbent and straightened by the woman herself, or the ring is so large that it could easily slip off, for example, when walking.

But still, about three minutes of fun in the bathroom... Did he know about it for sure (traced, told) or is it just his guesses (due to the fact that all her girls are single)???

@Anonymous behind "But still, about three minutes of fun in the bathroom...":

The mere fact she still decided to go out with her friends to some 'meat marker' instead of staying home with her fiance to resolve the issue he so clearly has with her continuous 'girls' night out' is such an ENORMOUS PARADE OF 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩RED FLAGS 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩...

He would have been a total idiot to still want to marry this chick. 'Sounds like years of genuine misery in the making.

The smart move here was definitely to rip that bandaid off immediately before it really started to bleed.

[18.07.23]

A Short, Sharp, Shot!

11/10!!!!!

;-)

Cute little tale. Unbelievable, but how many stories in the LW section are? There's no way that the MC would suddenly recognize her selfish behavior. I know you limited the story to 750 words, but the "What do I do now?" was out of place, as I'd suspect that the fiancé would have protested or begged or threatened instead of going straight to 'lost whining'. A good first showing. 5*

It was building up for a while. She just pushed it over the top. The comment is she'll do what she wants and not acquiesce to his feeling says it bed.

Great move pulling the ring.

Definitely a 5.