Malaise

A sad tale about a marriage that drifts away.

"Malaise," an unexplained feeling of being unwell. No not my body. For a 40-year-old guy, I am in pretty good shape. I run two miles each morning, except Sundays. I use my free weights three times a week and am somewhat careful about what I eat. I'm not lean and muscular like I was in college, but my 185 pounds fits my 6-foot frame reasonably well.

No, the malaise I refer to is what I'm feeling about my marriage. Our tenth-anniversary party was just last week. It went well, all our friends and family showed up at my brother's house for the poorly concealed "surprise" anniversary party.

My 7-year-old daughter, Becca, had co-conspired with her favorite aunt, Jill, to arrange the party. I suspect Lucy, my wife, had figured it out ahead of time because she got a new outfit, spray tan, and a mani-pedi two days before the party. And me? Well, I did take a shower that morning, so...

Becca is still the highlight of my marriage and the one thing that keeps me plugging along. Lucy, on the other hand, just seems to have lost interest in me. Don't get me wrong, she isn't bitchy with me. She doesn't actually deny me sex (hence no running on Sunday morning), but it feels like she does it just to get it done, like any other household chore.

I actually went online and looked up some self-help stuff about revitalizing a marriage. I did the usual: flowers, dinners out, surprise weekends away, a spa weekend for her and her bestie, and even a couple of pieces of jewelry. She was always gracious about each gesture, but not in any romantic sort of way.

A few weeks back, I gently asked her about her lack of enthusiasm and she was somewhat offended to hear I thought she had been less than enthusiastic about our marriage. She assured me she was still very much in love with me and reminded me we are no longer twenty-something.

It was a typical Sunday, - yes she let me fuck her this morning and I'm pretty sure she got off twice. Her preferred procedure is to have me go down on her, get her off, and then pound her until I bust a nut. It's pretty much the same thing every Sunday. This time I think she got off with me as I pounded into her, but that's a bit unusual.

In the past, I've suggested changes, 69, doggie, toys, bondage, and even anal, but none of it did much for her. I'm grateful she at least tried but saddened that she did not enjoy any of it. I suppose the problem could have been my lack of technique, but the only thing she said was, "Sorry, it's just not what I like."

I pushed my mower back into the garage just as my brother, Paul, pulled into my driveway. Lucy and Becca had gone shopping with Jill and I'd invited Paul over to watch a ball game. I got us a couple of beers and some chips and we settled in to watch the game.

In the past, we'd spend a lot of time yelling at the umps for terrible calls, but instant replay has proven those bastards are pretty good at their jobs, so we were mostly quietly watching.

Sometime during the third inning, I noticed my brother kind of staring at me. "What?"

"Something's bothering you, little brother, you've not been your usual happy-go-lucky self recently."

I picked at the label on my beer bottle for a moment as I hunted for the words I needed.

"You and Jill have been married for 12 years, is that right?"

"Thirteen actually, but what about it?"

"And she's happy, you're happy, right?"

"Dan, it's no secrete we went through some shit when she found out we couldn't have kids, but yeah, we're happy. Why? Is something going on with Becca?"

I hung my head, struggling to put my feelings into words.

"I don't know, not really. I just think something is off and she doesn't see it. She says everything is fine, but I just can't shake the feeling that something is wrong."

"Hmm, But you've talked to her about it, told her how you felt and all that shit?"

"Yeah, yeah, she seemed kinda offended when she realized I didn't think everything was perfect."

"Well, is she sick? She hasn't started through the change yet, she's too young."

"No, she's still regular as clockwork. I asked about it and her last check-up was great."

"Is it her job? Is she stressed out at work?"

"Fuck no, she loves her job, that's about all she talks about, except Becca."

Slowly Paul pulled a face and then began shaking his head. "No way she's fucking around?"

"What! What do you mean, you mean like at work? (He nodded) I, I, fuck! I never even considered that."

"Well, I'm sure it's not true, that's just not Lucy, she loves you and Becca, she'd never do something like that. No way, can't be true. ... Right?"

I just stared at my brother as my mind raced back through the last few years. Is it possible? Could that be why she is so disinterested because she has a lover, someone who provides all the excitement she needs? My stomach lurched when I pictured her in the arms of another man.

"Oh, my God! Oh, my God."

"Whoa, whoa, Danny, don't let your imagination run away with you. Personally, I think there's no way she's messing with some other dude. You need to pull yourself together. If you really suspect it's possible, you'll need proof."

I nodded at him. "Yeah, but how could I do that? It would have to be at work, she wouldn't have time to do anything outside of work, she's always here with Becca and me."

"Okay, let's think about this. Does she still work at the law firm for that lady?"

"Alice Johansson, yes, she's still her PA and there are three male attorneys there too, but they're all pretty old guys."

"Hey, lots of old fucks like to chase after younger women and Lucy is still a looker."

"Yeah, I guess, but I just don't see any of them as that type. But, what do I do?"

"Hmm, do we know any private investigators or any security folks?"

"No, ... well I know Jim Rollins, the head of our plant security, but that's building and hardware systems, not sneaking and peeking."

"Do you know him well enough to ask him for advice?"

I thought about that for a moment then nodded, "Yeah, I think I do. I'll talk to him tomorrow. ... Paul, don't say anything to Jill, okay."

"No way! I'm not saying anything and we never discussed this shit. I still think you're nuts, but I guess you need to cover all your bases."

I couldn't concentrate on the game and Paul left shortly before the girls got home. They bustled in with several bags and then proceeded to put on a show as they modeled their new clothes. I was glad for the distraction as it helped me shake off my awkward feelings and make it through the evening.

On Monday I wandered into Jim's office and said hello. We chatted for a bit and then he asked me what I needed. I stuttered around some then finally told him what I suspected.

"Dan, I hope you're wrong, but I understand. Right now you only know what you DON'T know. The question you need to ask yourself is: Do you really want the answers you're seeking?"

"What? Of course, I want to know, that's why I'm here."

"Okay, it's just that some guys regret finding out the truth. There is some truth in the old saying, "What you don't know won't hurt you."

"Maybe for some folks, but I've got to know for sure or it will drive me crazy."

"Okay, I know a guy, a retired detective that will do it. He's not a PI, but he knows his stuff. He'll cost about half what a PI would cost. I'll have him call you."

Wednesday I had lunch with Phill Logan, the former police detective. He agreed to surveil Lucy for one week and then give me a report. It was the longest week of my life and it got extended to Friday. We met for lunch and he handed me a report.

"I can assure you your wife is not messing around with any of the old guys she works for. In fact, I saw no evidence she was fooling around with any guy at any time."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "That's a relief."

Phill held up a hand. "I suspect she may be messing around with her boss, Ms. Johansson."

Phill let that sink in as I gaped at him, "Alice? Really?"

They meet clients at the Regent. They have lunch and usually have the client sign a few papers Lucy produces. After the client leaves they walk across the street to the Bradly Condos where Ms. Johansson maintains a second residence. They spend a couple of hours at the condo and then return to the office.

"Of course, I can't definitively say what they were doing in the condo, but I did pass by them in the lobby and they smelled strongly of soap and freshly applied perfume."

"Holy fuck! Alice? My god, I had no idea. She's been married for as long as I've known her. I wonder if William knows."

"I suspect not. The condo is in her maiden name "Peterson." Of course, he may know about it as several other lawyers and a few companies keep corporate condos in that building. It is pretty convenient to everything downtown."

I sat in stunned silence as I tried to make sense of everything Phill said. I shook my head in amazement, "Lucy and Alice? I, I just can't believe it."

"Like I said, I can't prove anything, as yet. If you want me to, I can try to get a mike or maybe a camera into the unit, but that would be an illegal recording and useless in court. ... I have a suggestion if you are ready for a confrontation."

I nodded and he explained his idea. I stood and shook his hand. "Thank you."

The weekend was uneventful, sex on Sunday was different. I just climbed on her and fucked her hard until I came then I got up and got into the shower. She never said a word about it, but I got funny looks for the next few days.

On Wednesday, just after 1:30, I got the text I had been expecting. I told my assistant I was leaving for the day and drove to the Bradly Condos. I walked into the small lobby and found Phill sitting in a side chair.

"They went up about an hour ago. Do you want me to hang around?"

"No, I'm good."

"Dan, I'm sorry this has happened to you. I know you're upset, but don't do anything stupid. Think about your daughter, you don't want to go to jail."

I nodded and thanked him again. Then I settled in on the chair. As I waited I thought about what she'd say. Would she lie, try to play it off as nothing, or would she tell me the truth?

I'd been there about 40 minutes when the elevator opened and the two of them stepped out. Lucy was laughing at something Alice must have said. She had her arm wrapped around Alice's arm in a warm embrace. She looked as happy as I'd seen her in years, it broke my heart.

I gulped then spoke loudly, "Hello Lucy, Alice."

Lucy squealed and dropped Alice's arm. She gaped at me as a hand flew up to cover her mouth. "Dan! What are you doing here?"

"I guess I could ask you the same thing, but I'm pretty sure I already know the answer to that question."

"I, I, we, we just had to stop in and get some papers Alice left here last night."

My eyes closed and I shook my head, so much for expecting the truth. I turned my wrist and looked at my watch. "Well they must have been well hidden, it took nearly two hours for you to find them."

Alice found her voice, "Daniel, have you been spying on us? You realize this is private property and you have no right to be in this lobby."

I smiled at her, "You're correct, counselor, however, I didn't think you'd mind a brief visit from the spouse of such a close PERSONAL friend, as Lucy. If you order me to leave, I'll just head out to 1911 Stone Carriage Place and have a visit with my old pal William.

Lucy gasped when she heard me recite Alice's home address. "Dan, please, I'll leave with you right now, please don't make any trouble for Alice."

"Let him go, I think he will be disappointed in William's response." Alice then tilted her head and studied my face as she smiled a knowing smile.

"So, I assume you have some sort of arrangement with William? (She nodded) Well isn't that special, too bad Lucy didn't afford me the courtesy of an arrangement."

"And would you have accepted such an arrangement, Daniel? If she had come to you and explained our relationship?"

"Not likely, but it would have been nice to have been given the opportunity to express my opinion. Instead, your playmate chose to lie to me."

"Well, now that it's all out in the open, what are your intentions? You know I cannot allow you to harm her."

Lucy had moved back toward Alice and taken her arm. She looked frightened as she partially hid behind her lover. Alice lightly petted the hand that gripped her arm.

"I have never raised a hand to her and never will." I turned my face to Lucy. "I'm going to pick up Becca and take her home. Your Mother is en route to my house and has agreed to stay for the near future to watch over Becca."

"You told my Mother! Why, Why would you do that? Oh, my God!"

"I did it to make sure Becca had someone to look after her when I'm not home. You will not be allowed back into my house."

"You can't keep me out of my own home!"

"You can come by tomorrow and get your clothes. Your mother and I will pack them and put them on the porch for you."

Alice turned to her, "Is your name on the deed?"

I spoke up, "No, the house is mine, I inherited it from my aunt before we were engaged."

She turned back to Lucy. "That may, or may not mean anything, you've been married ten years, so the house might be seen as joint property by a friendly judge. You can stay here until we can get an order filed to let you back into the house."

Lucy stepped toward me. "Dan, please, I know this is a shock to you, but I still love you and want you as my husband. Alice is separate from us, please give me a chance to talk this out with you before you destroy us. Please, Dan, for Becca's sake, please just let me talk to you about this."

I stared at her and she could see the cold fury in my eyes. She shrank back against Alice and hung her head.

"Daniel, I know you love your daughter. Please allow Lucy to explain herself and you'll see I am no threat to you. Just hear her out, it will cost you nothing but a bit of your time."

"Shut the fuck up, Alice! I don't need or want any advice from you!" I paused, thinking, turned to Lucy, and said, "Okay, I'll meet you at the park near my house in one hour. Come alone." I glared at Alice.

As I walked toward my car, I pulled my phone out of the upper pocket of my blazer and ended the video recording of what I'd seen. I checked it and I'd clearly recorded both women admitting their affair and, essentially, asking me to just accept it. The recording would not be permitted in court, but it was damning evidence, nonetheless.

I found Lucy sitting at one end of a bench in the park. I sat at the other end and turned toward her. "Okay Lucy, this is your chance to explain yourself. If I think you are just lying and trying to downplay everything, I'll leave."

"Dan, thank you for meeting me here. I know this is my one chance to explain and I will be completely honest with you. Some of what I say may hurt you, and I'm sorry. I know you're already hurt and I don't wish to add to that pain, but you've asked for the complete truth."

"Yes, of course, I'm hurt, but I think I deserve an honest explanation from you."

She nodded. "About nine months ago Alice and I closed an important negotiation with a client at the Regent. After the meeting, we had drinks at the bar. The bar was crowded and some clumsy ass dumped a full glass of wine down Alice's front. I helped her pat it off, but she was soaked through. She told me she had a change of clothes across the street and that we'd go there before heading back to the office.

We walked over to the Bradly Condos and went up to her unit. She said she got the unit as part of a fee settlement and kept it for when she wanted to stay over and not drive out to her country home.

"We were chatting as we walked into her bedroom. She stripped off her blouse and said her bra was also soaked and pulled it off. As she stood there, I just stared at her breast. They are about the same size as mine with big puffy nipples, and I couldn't take my eyes off of them. Alice had her hands on her hips and just stood there for quite some time letting my eyes devour her naked breasts.

"She then chuckled a bit and said she was glad I liked her boobs because she had always admired mine. She then stepped up to me and began unbuttoning my blouse. I was just frozen in place. I didn't try to stop her and my eyes were still locked on her breasts as her movements jiggled them about.

"She pulled my blouse off and unhooked my bra and I shrugged it off. She put her arms around me and pulled me into an embrace. When our breasts touched, I felt an electrical charge run through me. She then kissed me and I think I swooned a bit. Our other clothes seemed to just melt off and we fell onto the bed.

"Dan, I had never been with a woman, I had no idea what to do. Alice just took me and moved me about. She went down on me and I exploded almost immediately. Once I calmed down she held me and I began to cry. I sobbed because I had cheated on you and the guilt slammed me hard.

"Alice patted me and told me it would be okay. She said you would understand and forgive me for this one indiscretion. I cried and said I knew you wouldn't and my marriage was over. She then said maybe it would be best if I just never mentioned it and you would never need to know what happened.

"It took her a while to get me settled down and convinced not to confess my sins to you. The guilt was awful and I just knew you'd take one look at me and know what I'd done. ... But you didn't. A few days later we were fine. We made love on Sunday and it was good. You still loved me, I still loved you and my marriage was safe.

"I began to relax again and Alice began to tease and flirt with me. I liked it and flirted back. I saw it as just a harmless bit of fun. Then we were leaving another client meeting at the Regent and she took my hand and lead me across the street. I didn't resist and I spent the afternoon in bed learning to please her.

"At home you were fine, but then you began to ask about our love life. You seemed unhappy and I tried to put some effort into making you happy."

She reached out and placed a hand on my arm. A few tears began to slide down her cheeks. "Dan, this is the part that embarrasses me the most and I fear will hurt you even more than I already have. When you kept asking me what you could do to make things better for me, I was not lying when I said I was happy with the way things were.

"I know now it was terribly selfish of me, but didn't see it that way then. I love you and love being intimate with you. I have never had a strong libido, but you always make me feel so loved. In bed, I was happy with what we did and very happy with how you did it. As things developed with Alice, I was getting all the exciting new sex I could handle. Sex that I could not get from you, or any man. Then I'd go home to my perfect life, my perfect daughter, and my perfect husband.

"Yes, it is selfish and unfair. I knew I was cheating, but I wasn't giving myself to another man. What I do with Alice is something you and I could never do, so I allowed myself to believe I wasn't really cheating, not in the classic way a spouse cheats.

"Dan, I'm sorry. I've treated you badly, but I still love you with all my heart. I want to be by your side as we watch Becca grow and go out on her own, Please baby, please give me a chance, give US a chance."

I slowly shook my head, took a deep breath, and said, "Thank you for telling me the truth. I struggle to understand how you could think your actions were okay. Basically, you said you lied to yourself to make it okay, but you also lied to me when I tried to talk to you. You allowed our love life to drift into a malaise, with no regard for my feelings because you were too busy getting your jollies elsewhere.