Mariel's Magic Pt. 01

"Hi, Jonathan, thanks," she said as she accepted the cup from him.

"I have sugar if you want it sweetened."

She kissed him lightly, "No, thanks."

He suggested a longer drive north to the wine country near Cloverdale. Adriana loved the idea. It was a freeway ride all the way, but he showed the route to her on Google Maps, and it looked like a beautiful trip. It would give them a long time to talk.

At first, Adriana was too involved in the scenery to say much, but once they were half an hour north of the bridge, she wanted to return to yesterday. She got out her sketchbook and examined each of the three drawings she had made, shaking her head in wonderment.

"I've been thinking about my drawings from yesterday," she said, and then she stopped.

"Yes?"

"I was thinking about them and that made me start thinking about Michael, back in Minnesota. I didn't tell you the whole story."

"You don't have to," Jonathan said, not sure he wanted to hear it.

"Yeah, I know, but I want to. You don't mind, do you? I know it can be a deal killer, talking about an ex."

"But if you want to, or need to, I want to listen," he said, moving into a mind space where he sometimes found himself, letting another person be heard. In his work, this was not uncommon. Tech types were sometimes solitary creatures, needing to be heard by someone but often not knowing how to get someone to listen. Some went looking for a hookup instead of looking for someone to talk to. Adriana gazed at him, knowing that he would listen to her.

"Well, Michael and I met a year ago at a tech conference in Boston and discovered we lived not far from each other. His interest was graphic art applications; nothing like what I was there for. We went on a few dates, then a few more, and ended up sleeping together. Things were OK, and we saw each other two or three times a week. I was still living at my mom's house because it was easy, and I was working so many hours I didn't have time to take care of things like laundry and groceries."

"All of a sudden," she continued, "there's the buyout, and I'm semi-rich and unemployed. I started thinking that I wanted our relationship to be more of a settled thing, you know? More permanent. We started spending more time together, but he kept me at a distance. Then I started noticing things about him that I didn't have the bandwidth to pay attention to when I was still employed. Nothing specific, but things.

So, one evening in his apartment I asked him, did he have another girlfriend? He tried denying it, but then gave up and told me that he wanted an open relationship. Well, for his part, he already had an open relationship. I couldn't blame him, I guess, but I was hurt and angry."

"I never really knew he had a temper, but he did. As I got angrier, so did he, and then it turned sexual, for him, anyway." She stopped talking, and Jonathan glanced at her face. There were pain and tears. He waited for her to go on, but she said nothing for several minutes. Then, as he glanced over, he saw her wipe her eyes.

He took the next freeway exit and stopped in a fast-food parking lot. "And," he said gently, "then what happened?"

"He raped me." She said this almost in a whisper, looking at Jonathan.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" She shook her head, "No," but then started talking.

"Michael was strong. We were at his place, sitting on the couch. He pulled me up, dragged me into his bedroom, and flung me down on the bed. His eyes were wide, and the way he looked at me was like I wasn't a person. 'Take your clothes off!' he said, very coldly. I was scared. I knew what was going to happen, and I wanted him to do it without hurting me, so I took everything off while he watched. He just pulled down his pants, not even taking them off, and did it. He usually took a long time when we made love, making sure we were both ready. Not this time, he just did it -- maybe three minutes, I don't know. When he was done, he just pulled up his pants, walked out, and left me there. I lay in bed a while waiting for him to come back, but he didn't. Then I heard his front door open and slam shut. I dressed as quickly as I could, drove home, and bought tickets to come here."

"That was what? A week ago?" Jonathan asked.

"Last Wednesday. I left early the next morning, got here, and the first person I talked to was you."

"Have you told anyone about this? Do you need a therapist or anything, the police?"

Adriana reached and took his hands. "Right now, all I need is you. Just someone to be kind to me."

They talked more about her feelings, and it seemed she had more to say about Michael, but not just then. Now that he knew, they could talk more later. They continued to the wine country near Cloverdale, sampled wine, and Jonathan took more pictures while Adriana sketched.

Over lunch, Jonathan asked, "When do you think you'll be going back to Duluth?"

She looked at him and realized that she had given no thought to this at all. She considered it, then said, "I don't think I'm going back. I don't have to. I could probably live around here for years on the buyout money if I wanted to. Eventually, I guess I'll get a job. Maybe I should start looking for an apartment?"

"Well," said Jonathan, "you can stay with me while you're looking. Better than the hotel, unless you want your privacy."

This was another new idea for Adriana to consider. After she thought about it for a while, she said, "I don't really want privacy. I don't want to be alone. It's not like we would be living together, but I can talk to you, and I think I like sleeping with you, so, if you don't mind?"

"Of course not. I mean, I've been alone for a while, and I'm kind of used to it, but, Adriana, I really like being with you." He reached across the table and held her hands.

"Me too," she said.

That evening, she checked out of her hotel, and Jonathan helped her carry her stuff to his apartment. She did not unpack. That would be for the next day. They did not make love that night but only talked until she fell asleep. Jonathan lay awake watching her, hoping she would stay. He admitted to himself that he had fallen hard for her.

Chapter 3: Pregnant

Two weeks after she moved in, Adriana noticed that her period was late. This concerned her because her cycles ordinarily ran like clockwork. She did not mention this to Jonathan, but another week passed and still nothing. Without telling Jonathan, she got a test from a drugstore, and it showed positive. Her hands trembled slightly as she held the pregnancy test, the positive result glaring back at her like an undeniable truth she wasn't prepared to face. She was certain that it was not Jonathan's because he was very careful in using protection when they made love.

Then she remembered the last time with Michael and knew that his violation of her was unprotected. The events of that awful night, which prompted her flight to San Francisco, replayed in her mind, relentlessly. She remembered her feeling of powerlessness, and the memory of fear was now compounded by the two pink lines on the test.

She had time to think about what to do and did not want to involve Jonathan until she had made a decision. Obvious signs of pregnancy, such as morning sickness, would not show for a few more weeks. She feared that talking about the pregnancy would shatter the still fragile relationship they had found with each other, and perhaps even push him away. She was growing closer and closer to him and had begun to depend on him for emotional support as she continued to process the attack on her. As the days passed, she wrestled with what to do in self-imposed solitude. Their relationship was beginning to show strain as the burden of her secret grew.

One evening, a week after she learned of her condition, Jonathan asked her, "What's wrong, Adriana? You've been quiet, brooding. Is there something that I've done? Is there something I can do?"

She looked at him, and tears formed so that for her, he became a blur. "Jonathan, I'm sorry, but I'm pregnant, and I don't know what to do. I don't think it's yours. I'm certain it's Michael's; from the last time I saw him. I don't know whether I want to keep this baby or not. I shouldn't want to because of what happened. This is not a baby created with love. I thought I should... end the pregnancy. It seemed like the logical thing to do, given the circumstances, but I can't explain it... there's this feeling, almost like the baby is in my mind. I feel a strange affection for this little life growing inside me. I should hate it, shouldn't I? But I don't."

"Adriana, I can't pretend to understand what you're going through or how you're feeling about the baby... I mean, I don't, I can't. But I'm here for you, and I'll help you if I can." Jonathan's voice was unsteady but sincere. She knew he spoke the truth.

"I don't have anybody here, Jonathan, not like at home. But I can't go back to Duluth. He's there."

"You have me, Adriana. I'm still trying to figure out what we are to each other, but I know that I'm your friend... I mean, I hope we're friends... I... I hope you know that I'm your friend. If you keep the baby, I'll still be your friend, and you can still stay with me. Adriana, I mean, this is a lot, but I want you to know something. Right now, at this moment, I love you, and whatever you decide about this baby, I'll still love you. If you're willing to have me, I want to be there for you, to take care of you, both of you, for as long as you want me."

Adriana looked up, her eyes searching his for any sign of hesitation, but there was none. "Are you... are you asking me to marry you, Jonathan?"

Jonathan sat, shocked at what he had said and what he was seemingly willing to commit to, and said, "Yes, I guess that's what I said. I mean, if you want to have this baby, then... then... I'll be there to take care of you. I mean, we hardly know each other, but will you marry me? I don't want you to leave me. Whether we marry or not, whether you have the baby or not, I want to be with you... to take care of you."

Adriana, who was sitting right next to him, kissed him and held him tight. "And I don't want you to leave me. I was afraid that, because of this baby, you wouldn't want me. I didn't want this baby to become a reason for you to leave me."

"It won't. So, we don't have to. We can just live with each other, but... do you want to marry me?"

Adriana was still uncertain. "You're really asking me? Forgetting about the baby, you really want to marry me?"

"Yes, I do."

"Well then, yes, I'll marry you.

***

A month later, they were in a small hotel banquet room, decorated with a lot of flowers, and a table topped with some hastily purchased wedding gifts. Neither of the two had any religious affiliation, so they enlisted Jonathan's supervisor at work to marry them. He had been empowered by the county clerk to perform this role.

The room was not big, but neither was the guest list. Adriana's mother and two of her mother's friends were there, along with Jonathan's parents and his brother, all from Minnesota. Three of Adriana's girlfriends from college had come, both for the wedding and to have a little fun in San Francisco. A dozen or so of Jonathan's friends from work were there as well, plus their wives, girlfriends and boyfriends. Jonathan's brother acted as best man, while one of Adriana's girlfriends was the maid of honor.

Adriana bought a simple wedding dress, and her maid of honor wore a nice cocktail dress. Jonathan and his brother wore tuxes. There was a beautiful cake, a ton of food, an open bar, and a small jazz combo. Hastily arranged as it was, it was a good wedding and a good party afterwards.

Both Adriana and Jonathan were somewhat bemused by how fast things were changing for them, but they each said their "I do" with as much sincerity as if they had been engaged for a year. They had known each other for only a short time, but they knew each other well. It was as if they understood each other and were perhaps meant for each other.

As they danced, Adriana asked, "Do you think the baby had something to do with this? Was the baby pushing us to get married -- doing a little bit of prenatal matchmaking?"

Jonathan pushed away a bit and looked her in the eyes in surprise, and realization. Then he held her tighter. "Maybe, but I don't care. Marrying you is the best thing I have ever done, or ever will do in my life. If the baby pushed us to do it, then... well I guess I'm glad. Maybe we wouldn't have done it otherwise and would have lost each other." Then he looked down and whispered, "Thank you little baby."

Chapter 4: Messages

By the sixth week, morning sickness had caught up with Adriana, but it wasn't bad. She was still undecided about whether to terminate the pregnancy or not. She was visiting a therapist to help her manage the trauma of being violated, but it lingered. One of her concerns was that the child could look like Michael, and that she would never be able to love it. Then there was Jonathan. She loved him and did not want to hurt him. Would a child of Michael's be an ever-present reminder? Would he be able to love the child?

At the beginning of the tenth week of pregnancy, after talking it through with Jonathan and her therapist, she had made the decision to terminate. She was incredibly sad about this decision but felt it was the right one.

On the night before the procedure, Adriana had a lucid dream. In it, she was wandering through an ancient forest, guided by a child's voice. The voice felt like that of the little one who was still tiny, growing in her womb. Through the mists, she wandered, following the voice until she reached a patch of red flowers that glowed with a light of their own. She picked one and inhaled a sweet perfume. Then she was awake, lying next to Jonathan.

This dream disturbed her, and she lay in bed, wide awake until morning.

When Jonathan woke, she said, "I'm canceling the appointment. I can't go through with it. Not now." This is when she told him about the dream. The narrative of the dream did not disturb Jonathan that much, but the raw emotion she exhibited in her reaction to the dream convinced him that she was right to cancel the procedure.

The next night she had another lucid dream where a toddler of perhaps two was sitting quietly by an old woman wearing a shimmering coat, who spoke softly to the child. Adriana could not hear the words but was sure they were important.

Then, a few nights later, in her dream, she saw the child, now perhaps four, standing in front of an easel, drawing a vivid and realistic picture of a vineyard, with a couple sitting nearby. The couple seemed to be herself and Jonathan.

Adriana believed these dreams meant something. She was starting to think that the child in her was trying to tell her something. Neither she nor Jonathan knew much about mysticism, psychics, or anything similar but were open to these things. Her logical mind was skeptical, but her heart seemed certain.

One morning she finally talked about it with Jonathan. "The baby is speaking to me, Jonathan, I know it."

Uncertain, and likewise skeptical, he said, "It's possible, I guess. Maybe the baby is sending you messages of some kind through dreams. There have always been stories of receiving messages like this. I have a friend, a woman I work with, who told me about someone who knows about this kind of stuff. Maybe we should talk to her.

"OK, if you want," said Adriana. "I think I would really like to do that."

He reached out to his friend, who gave him the name of a psychic she knew and had used once or twice when she had had odd dreams. He and Adriana both thought that there was much more to the human mind than most people thought, and these dreams seemed to demand an explanation that would not come from the world they both worked in.

They made an appointment to see Jennifer Manette, who met with people in a special room of her home in Mill Valley. When the woman answered their knock they both gazed at her, not knowing what to say. There was something about her that neither had ever encountered. For one, they could not guess Jennifer's age. It could have been 40 or it could have been 70. Also there was an energy surrounding her that they had never experienced in anyone that either had ever met. Jennifer was dressed in an ordinary manner and would not have been out of place in a supermarket aisle. But her energy, sitting in that room, made her different.

They gathered at a round table, with a scented candle glowing in the middle as the only light in the room. It was, they had to admit, like something in a B movie scene. But when Jennifer started talking, any skeptical thoughts vanished.

Jennifer asked Adriana to describe each dream in detail, as Jennifer sat with her eyes closed. Sometimes Adriana was asked to repeat something or describe more fully a sound or smell she experienced. As Jonathan watched, he had the clear sense that Jennifer was seeing, hearing, feeling, and smelling exactly what was playing out in Adriana's memory.

Afterward, Jennifer looked at the two of them. Then she said, "I don't ordinarily ask this, but, Adriana, would you mind undressing, completely? I need to see your energy body more clearly."

Adriana looked at Jonathan and said, "I'm willing to do this, but Jonathan, I won't if it will bother you."

By this time, Jonathan trusted that Jennifer was the real thing; someone who could see. "Go ahead, Adriana. I'm OK with it."

Adriana undressed quickly and stood in the candlelight. Jennifer looked at her, up and down, and then asked her to turn around slowly. Then Jennifer closed her eyes, asking Adriana to keep turning. Jonathan felt that Jennifer could still see Adriana, even with her eyes closed. Then, Jennifer opened her eyes and appeared to slump in her chair.

"Please dress now, Adriana, and excuse me. I need some tea. I think we all need some tea. I can't get up right now, but Jonathan, can you bring some teacups from the cupboard in the kitchen?"

Jonathan got up, poked around in the cupboards, and brought back three cups. Jennifer, who he could see looked exhausted, had a thermos on the table, and poured tea for each. She sipped slowly, and the tea seemed to revive her.

Finally, she said, "I have seen... things this evening. Some I have never seen before... and some I have seen in the past but almost forgotten." She paused, closed her eyes, and took another sip of tea. "Excuse me, this reading has used almost all the energy I have."

Jennifer sat, gathering herself, while Adriana and Jonathan looked at her, then said, "Adriana, the child you bear has the glow of ancient magic, a gift that is rare, and must be nurtured."

Adriana, not sure what to make of this, asked the first question that came to her mind. "Is this good magic, bad magic, or what?"

"Magic cannot be distinguished as either good or evil," Jennifer replied. "It is a raw force, shaped by the will and heart of its bearer. You will play a part in determining the path that this child's magic takes."

Now beginning to realize what Jennifer was saying, Adriana asked, "You're really saying that my child is... magic? What does that mean? The child can... what? Do spells or something... I don't understand."

Jennifer looked at her sympathetically, "I know, why should you be able to understand? This is going to take a while to sink in. The knowledge and reality of it will come to you in time. I believe the child will tell you more. But do you trust me? Do you feel I'm telling the truth?"

Jonathan and Adriana looked at each other, nodded, and Adriana answered, "Yes, I suppose we both trust you. I feel that you see me or see my baby. I just don't understand what it means... to have a magical baby."

"The child carries magic, as part of its nature, as part of its very being. Magic that can do extraordinary things. If the child chose to, it could probably make this thermos rise from the table or turn my teacup into a cat. This is some part of what a child with magic can do."