Mark - My story

Hello, I'm Mark Francis. This is my story.

**********

So, time for me to get out of the bed and get moving for the day. I have a lot on my plate. Today is the start.

You want to know what is starting. Well, I'm starting, the rest of my life. The first day. Yup, this is it. Such as it is.

My life isn't much right now, but it's all I got.

I work hard and I try to do the right thing. I think I've been a good father. The kids are good kids. They're young and they are very active. Keith is 8 and Andrea is 6. They're wonderful kids. They like school. Keith is in Grade 3 and Andrea is in Grade 1.

The kids don't deserve what is about to happen. This is the consequence of their mother's actions.

**********

Let me take you back a bit so that you can see what's going on.

So, the kids. Well, the kids both look like their mother. They have her eyes. They have her smile. Neither look much like me. But, I'm not the most handsome guy on two feet. I'm not butt-ugly either. I'm right at 6 ft tall and I weigh in at 165 pounds. I run every day and I work out a couple of days each week. I bike competitively in the summer. And ski recreationally in the winter. I have a full head of dark brown hair, cut fairly short, and all my own teeth. My parents spent a lot of money on orthodontics for me when I was a kid so that my smile is just fine. I wear glasses or contacts, depending on what I'm doing.

I'm 34 years old. My wife, Karen, is the same age as me and we met in university. I'm an engineer and she's a web developer.

Karen and I and the kids live in Albany, New York. I know, Albany. The most boring city in the universe. Believe me when I tell you that life in Albany is...sedate. Oh, don't get me wrong. Albany is a very nice city. I suppose that it's my life that is the sedate part. Some, and clearly that number includes my wife, would call me boring.

In my own defense, the demands of everyday life, family, work, home, and all the routine things that occupy our lives, has shaped me into that person. When there is time for adventure, we need to stuff it into and around all the other demands. That means that 'fun' is sometimes limited to weekends and in the summer.

So, this morning I when I got out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror before I went for a run, I thought 'fuck, what am I going to do?' You see, I have a problem.

I went for my normal run and while I was pounding the pavement, I decided that I needed to go see a friend of mine and talk to him. Jordan Walters and I went to school together and grew up around the corner from each other. I know his family well and they know mine. Jordan is a friend and a lawyer. His practice involves mostly wills, estates, and some business law but he also does family law. So, I made a mental note to call him.

I got home about 6:30 from my run, put the coffee on, got showered and dressed. Karen was stirring and the kids were slowly moving when I went down to the kitchen.

I made school lunches, and packed up a sandwich and piece of fruit for myself. It wasn't long before everyone was sitting at the counter on the other side of the kitchen island and munching down some cereal and toast.

We made small-talk about the day and I was reminded that parent-teacher conferences at school were coming up soon. All good.

I gave everyone, except Keith, a kiss goodbye. Keith and I bumped fists. That was his new greeting. I was off out the door for another day of good old boring life.

The day of the parent-teacher conferences was also the day of a conference of my own. It was a conference of two people. Jordan and I. We met at a coffee shop that was about half-way between my office and his.

We shook hands since I hadn't seen him for a few months and sat down. We ordered coffee and I ordered a piece of apple pie. Jordan was all about focus and he was no different now.

After the coffee and pie got delivered, he started. "Okay Mark, what's up?"

"I need your help. I've got a problem that I need to sort out and it needs a bit of your expertise before I do anything."

"Okay, what's your problem?"

"Karen."

"Huh, what the fuck are you talking about? The same Karen that you're married to, for what...9 years now? The same Karen that's the mother of your two kids? That Karen?"

I nodded my head as I swallowed a mouthful of pie. "Yup, that's the one."

"Well, for fucks-sake...what's the problem?"

I took a sip of my coffee. "Seems that Karen has been up to some extra-curricular activities for I don't know, awhile, I'm gonna guess." I spent an hour telling him what I knew.

I was trying to figure a way to salvage my dignity; I was beyond that now, I suppose.

**********

Mark

I suppose you want a bit of background about me and my problem. That's fair. I grew up in Albany. Graduated High School here and received a scholarship to go to Columbia down in NYC. I'm a smart guy and always did well in school. I think I'm a good person. I always try to do the right thing. I have a strong work ethic and I know the value of my family.

I come from a good home. My parents taught me a lot about life and they gave me a solid foundation of values. They taught me to put family above all other. And with my own wife and two children I see that lesson every day.

My problem is that my wife has some other ideas about what is important for us as a family.

Karen has been 'seeing' some other guy. I'm not sure I can live with it. But I don't know what to do about it. That's where Jordan came in. I needed his advice both from a legal perspective and as my friend.

**********

"So, what do I do?"

"Jesus Mark, you're up against it here." Jordan took a drink of his coffee and looked at the table. He exhaled mightily as he began speaking. "Okay, there are two approaches that you can take. I'm gonna tell you the first one as your lawyer. The second one I'm gonna tell you as your friend."

I looked at him and nodded.

"First, and this is the lawyer in me that's talking now: you will lose out if you decide to separate or divorce Karen. New York family law pretty much sides with the wife. Karen will, in all likelihood, get custody of the kids and with that comes the house. Unless you can prove that she is an unfit mother she will have the court award her custody of the kids. You can ask for custody and if she objects, the court will pretty much automatically give custody to her."

Jordan took another big drink of his coffee and signaled the waitress for a refill. I was about to speak when he held up his hand for me to wait. The fresh coffee arrived.

"Along with the kids and the house, you're gonna pay a bunch of things. A big chunk of the mortgage in proportion to your salaries, child support until they are 21 or done university, and probably a support amount to Karen. It used to be called 'alimony' now it's spousal support."

Holy shit this was becoming complicated. But the real fun was just beginning. Jordan carried on with a bunch more information that I needed to know.

Quick tutorial on divorce in New York: There are 7 'grounds' for divorce in the state:

1. Irretrievable breakdown in the relationship for a period of at least 6 months

   This ground is usually called a no-fault divorce. To use this ground, the marriage must be over for at least 6 months, and all economic issues, including debt, how the marital property will be divided, and custody and support of the children have been settled.

2. Cruel and inhuman treatment

   To use this ground, the Judge will look for specific acts of cruelty that happened in the last five years. It is not enough that you and your spouse had arguments or did not get along. The cruelty must rise to the level that the Plaintiff is physically or mentally in danger and it is unsafe, or improper for the Plaintiff to continue living with the Defendant.

3. Abandonment

   To use this ground, the spouse must have abandoned the Plaintiff for at least one year or more. Two examples of abandonment: where the spouse physically leaves the home without any intention of returning or where the spouse refuses to have sex relations with the other spouse, this is called "constructive" abandonment.

4. Imprisonment

   To use this ground, the spouse must have been in prison for 3 or more years in a row. The spouse must have been put into prison after the marriage began. The Plaintiff can use this ground while the spouse is in prison or up to 5 years after the spouse was released from prison.

5. Adultery

   To use this ground, the Plaintiff must show that the spouse committed adultery during the marriage. This ground can be hard to prove because evidence from someone besides the Plaintiff and spouse is needed.

6. Divorce after a legal separation agreement

   To use this ground, the Plaintiff and Defendant sign and file a valid separation agreement and live apart for one year. The separation agreement must have specific requirements included to be valid.

7. Divorce after a judgment of separation

   This ground is not used very often. To use this ground, the Supreme Court draws up a judgment of separation and the married couple live apart for one year.

My eyes were starting to glaze over as Jordan went on and on with his lecture and talked about divorce New York style.

"So, Mark, the most likely grounds for you to use, if divorce is the route that you chose, are irretrievable breakdown or adultery. For you to prove adultery you're gonna need some actual proof. Either Karen's admission that she is having an affair with another person, or for the person that she's having the affair with come forward and say that. Or other evidence to prove it."

I took a deep breath and looked at my friend. I knew that the expression on my face was not a good one.

Jordan kept going, "the other one is irretrievable breakdown of your marriage. This is the one that a big majority of people cite as the main reason for their divorce."

He paused for effect, "you may want to think about that before you make up your mind."

I was speechless. I had no idea what why to say.

Jordan took a deep breath and continued. "Okay, I've told you what I had to tell you as your lawyer. Now, I want to talk to you as your friend."

I looked up from the depths of the hell that I had descended into. I was hoping for a lifeline. I needed something to tell me that my life wasn't over. That the comfortable life that I had enjoyed with my family was going to continue in some way.

I had to tell him, "Jesus Fucking Christ, Jordan! I sure hope you have something in your bag of tricks that is better than the misery you just described."

"Dude, you need to figure out what it is you want."

"What are you saying? I want my family. I want my wife and I want my children. I want my life to go on with them, like it was before..."

"I figured that. So, what I'm gonna tell you, you need to listen to and think about. You need to figure out in your mind what is the most important thing for you. Is it your family or... a bit of your dignity and ego?"

"Huh, what do you mean?"

"Listen, I see all kinds of people who get really bent out of shape and want to go for maximum retaliation and damage. The whole scorched-earth thing. They sacrifice everything just to make the other person miserable, and in the end, they only make themselves miserable."

Jordan paused to let that sink in. "The other big losers in divorce are the kids. You gotta figure out just how much you want them to suffer."

My head came up and I looked my friend square in the eyes. "What!?"

"Yeah, the kids. Your kids, they're going to lose the most in this." He paused again. "They will have to get used to only seeing you for a few days a month and every other holiday. You'll have to get used to being a part-time father. Karen will have custody and you'll have a whole lot time without them. You can count on that."

"Fucking hell! What am I gonna do? Jordan, what am I gonna do?"

I couldn't believe what he had just said. You hear stories of fathers who barely get to see their kids. Fathers who are essentially ruined for life because of divorce. I didn't want to be one of those victims. No!

Jordan looked at me with a mixture of sadness and amazement. He was a good friend, but he was also a realist and saw every day the consequences of divorce.

"Mark, can I make a suggestion?"

"Of course, you can. What is it?"

"This might sound a bit...different, but I've seen it work."

"What?"

The decision is yours, and only yours to make, but if I were in your shoes, this is what I would seriously consider doing."

"Please tell me."

"Do nothing."

"What?"

"Do nothing. Do nothing. Go home and pretend that you know nothing. Go home and carry on with your life just as you always have. Go home and enjoy your family. Go home and do all the things that you normally do. Go home and play with your children. Go home and make love to your wife. Go home."

"I...I...you're serious?"

"Like a fucking heart attack. You told me that you almost never discovered that Karen was having sex outside your marriage. You told me that you never noticed one thing different. You told me that she has always been a great wife and a great mother to the kids. You told me that she looks after her family and always put you first. You told me that she is a good wife."

"But..."

"But nothing. I told you that you have to be the one to make any decision about what you want to do and that is very true. But you have to be the one to decide if you want to ignore what you learned in favor of making sure that your family life survives. Think of this: just how badly do you want your family? Enough to sacrifice your knowledge that Karen is less than honest with you? Enough to put side your knowledge of her affair? Enough to pretend that everything is unchanged?"

We both finished off our now cold coffee. The waitress was giving us side-glances to say time to order something to eat or pay up and move on so she could get paying customers in the seats.

"Oh my lord fuck." I exhaled as if I'd been holding my breath for hours. "I'm gonna have to think about this."

Jordan stood up; I followed his lead. We both threw a $20 bill on the table and we started for the door.

When we got outside Jordan turned to me and said, "I gotta go back to the office. Call me anytime you want to talk. Let's get together for a beer on Friday afternoon and you can tell me what's going on in your head. Until then, promise me you won't do anything. Okay?"

"Okay, I promise. Listen, thank you for listening to me and thanks for your advice, I guess. I have a million things running through my brain and I gotta stew on it all for a while."

We went in different directions. I walked back to my office and tried to not get run over on the way.

**********

I went home and took Jordan's advice. I was no different than any other time that I've come home from work. I kissed my wife and talked to the kids just as I always do. Karen was her normal self. We had supper; I helped the kids with what passes for homework at that level these days and then we played in the driveway shooting some hoops on the basketball net that I have set up. All very normal.

After the kids got ready for bed and were in their rooms reading (no screens, just paper books) I made a point of just watching Karen. I made a point of remembering all the things about her that attracted me to her. Her smile, her shape, her eyes, the curve of her hips, the way she moved. I loved her from the moment that I met her. I knew that she was the woman that I wanted to spend my life with. She was the woman that I wanted to have children with.

So, what the hell happened? Where had we gotten lost? To look at us as a family, no one would ever imagine that there was a problem. We looked and acted like a regular family that loved each other. We held hands in public. We kissed. The kids would run to us if they had a problem or needed to blow their noses or be tickled. We had fun. We were a team of four.

I walked around the house and added up all the many projects that Karen had done. She was great at home decorating and even renovations. The woman was tireless. She had gone through almost every room of our house and made many changes, from simple paint to trim work, custom cabinetry, doors, and she even tackled bathroom renovations. I was the main laborer for a lot of those jobs but she was the brains behind the design. Where did she find time to have sex with other men? Hell, sometimes I barely had time to go the bathroom.

My wife was a master of deception. But you want to know how I found out that she was 'getting it' from someone else. Fair question.

In my work I frequently meet with clients to talk about their needs for whatever project our company is building for them. Normally our meetings are at our offices or at the clients' offices, or at building sites. Sometimes we have meetings in other locations. That day, we were having a meeting in a small conference room at the Hilton Hotel. The clients were not from Albany and had come there just for the meeting and were staying at the hotel. They had arranged the conference room. They had even organized lunch to be brought in for us. During that lunch I decide to get outside for a few moments and get some fresh air. I was going for a walk around the block to stretch my legs and think about a problem that we were having in the design for the building that we were going to construct.

As I was coming back to the hotel, a cab pulled up in front of the entrance and a tall man, about 35 to 40 years old, wearing a very expensive suit, got out of the back seat. A woman followed him. She looked amazingly a lot like my wife. I was walking up to the same entrance that they were going in, only about 100 feet behind them.

He took her by the hand and they hurried into the Hotel. I was moving at a good clip and almost caught up to them as they got into the elevator. When they did get inside the elevator (they were the only ones inside it) they turned around, he had his arm around her waist and I could see very clearly that it was Karen. She said something to him as the door was closing and he leaned over and kissed her on the lips.

My world stopped.

I stood in that spot for almost ten minutes trying to process what I had just seen. I shook my head. I had to remember to breathe. My chest tightened. I thought I was having a heart attack. My legs got wobbly and I moved over to a chair and sat down. I sat there until one of the other people at my meeting passed by and asked if I was going back to the meeting.

I went back but I didn't hear a single thing that was said. It was a good thing that minutes of the meeting were taken so that I didn't fuck up the contract.

I went home right after the meeting finished, expecting that Karen would be packing to leave me. She was there, busy with the kids and getting supper started. She greeted me the same as she had done every night.

That was a few weeks ago. Since then, I have agonized over...everything. Karen, our marriage, the kids, my life in general, how fucking stupid I had been. All of it. I was a mental wreck.

And then I decided to start making a plan. But I needed help. And that's when I went to talk to my buddy Jordan.

**********

Jordan

I can't believe the shit that Karen is up to. After Mark came to see me I figured that there would be some changes in his life. I knew that he would have to do something. Even though I warned him that divorce was going to be very hard on the kids and him, I know that there is only so much a man can take.

But the thing is: you have to figure out what is the most important to you and take care of that first. Everything else is second. In Mark's case he decided that the kids were the most important thing and that his interests were second. So, he put up with Karen and her other life.