Marriage Divorce Life Ch. 03

"Because they are private, that's what fantasy is, it's private."

She laughed, "No it isn't, it should be shared with the person you love. Paul told me every sexual fantasy he ever had. Some of it was a bit confronting but I loved that he shared it with me, and I shared my fantasies with him."

Shocked I grumbled, "You told him about your fantasies?"

She nodded guiltily, "Yes...his openness allowed me to open up. I experienced such a relief when I did. I kept that stuff locked away for years, a bit like you and your writing I suppose, but once I let it out I felt relief." She gazed wistfully at me, "You must have experienced that when I found out about your writing?"

I nodded, "Yeah I suppose I did."

After a long drawn out pause she asked, "Do you want to hear a little about Paul and me? Could you handle that? I would love to tell you."

I closed my eyes, breathed deeply and when I opened them I saw her watching intently, "Yes I guess so."

At least she appeared embarrassed, "When Paul and I met I was attracted to his sexuality. We flirted a lot and some of the things he said to me excited me, aroused something inside me."

"You were attracted to him before you started working together?"

She grimaced, "Yes, but I never did anything about it, you must have met people you were attracted to in a physical sense?"

"Yes I suppose I have seen women who are physically attractive."

"No I mean that you are attracted to, not just admired, be honest with me Tom, this is what I mean...open up be honest, have you ever felt a connection with another woman?"

I could feel somebody wringing out my intestines, this felt wrong but I sighed, "Yes I have, it was a long time ago, but I never did anything about it, she was a customer, a very beautiful woman who made it clear that she was available and I felt a pretty strong impulse to follow through."

Shelby smiled, "I'm not judging Tom, just trying to make a point. I'm not as strong as you. I felt that same attraction to Paul and yes I fell."

Her eyes clouded over and tears quickly built up in the corners of her eyes, she wiped frantically trying to clear them. She sniffled, "I felt so terrible, so guilty and ashamed of myself. My god the first time we had sex I was disgusted with myself. I felt dirty, I was repulsed that I let you down. When I got home that night I rushed straight into the shower trying to wash away the guilt but I couldn't, it was so deep I cried and cried, I screamed at myself why, why, why. I was afraid you would see it on me."

I held her tight as she sobbed her tears flowed like rivers saturating us both, "Tom I was so ashamed, I just knew you would see my guilt but you were busy with work I remember dinner after that first time and you were so happy about something from work. It amazed me that you couldn't see my revulsion. The fact you were so oblivious to it actually hurt. I wanted you to scream at me, slap me call me a slut, but you missed it completely and somehow I got through it."

I was shocked by her admission, but I felt somehow responsible, I had missed those signs, god how could I be so unaware?

Trembling she carried on, "After that first time I promised myself it would never happen again, I let you down once, but it was never going to be repeated." She grimaced and the sobs wracked her body, "I'm sorry Tom but I couldn't stop myself and after the second time and you were so ignorant to my actions it did happen again and every time it got easier until it felt natural, like a normal part of every day. I wanted to tell you. The part I disliked was keeping it from you."

"The sex...it was better than...than..."

She interrupted her voice trembled, "No honey no don't think that, it was just different."

Grasping her shoulders tightly I held her, "You promised to be honest, don't treat me like a fool now."

Her pleading guilty look was answer enough but she whispered hesitantly, stutteringly, "Yes, yes, OK, the sex was better, I'm sorry Tom but Paul was so much more open and sexually experienced, he showed me things, he opened my eyes. You must have noticed a change in intensity since we have been back together?"

Overwhelmed, humiliated I shrunk away from her, "Yeah it was hard to miss, of course I noticed." A feeling of utter defeat flooded my consciousness.

"Tom, look at me honey, I don't mean he was better, just the sex, he is experienced, worldly. But he lacks the love and understanding we share, that transcends that one thing, please don't be sad."

Snarling I spat out, "How do you expect me to act Shell? You just told me he is better than me, he gives you things I can't. Jesus no man wants to hear that."

"But you wanted me to be honest."

"Yes...yes, I did, but it doesn't mean I was going to like hearing it."

"Tom it was just sex and we can learn together; I can teach you what he taught me."

"Like the blowjobs?"

She sighed resignedly, "Yes like that..." She sniggered softly at her admission, peaking at me through hooded seductive eyes, "I thought you might like that?"

"Obviously, there isn't a breathing man on the planet who wouldn't love that."

"Good, then we can learn other things."

"Why is it better with him?"

She didn't answer straight away, she chose her words carefully seeing how her earlier outpouring had hurt.

"He is different to you, all the things you aren't, vulnerable, helpless, brittle, fragile delicate and yet so open. You are strong resourceful but rigid and inflexible. It is why I can't open up with you like I did with him. You judge quickly where he accepts without question. He cries Tom and do you know in our twenty years I never once saw you cry."

I spluttered, "I never judged you."

"Oh, sweets you always judge me and everybody else, It's why we divorced isn't it? I would love to share the things I shared with Paul, but I'm afraid that you would be repulsed, disgusted and then think less of me."

"Bullshit." I barked, "I never judge you; I have never put you down."

"Alright," She hissed through narrowed lips. "What if I told you I like to be spanked?"

Horrified I slumped back, my defences sagging, "What......"

"Yes, that's right, I didn't even know myself until I spanked Paul and I saw how much he loved it so I got him to spank me and I liked it, not as much as him but yes I liked it."

"Jesus...." My words falling, my world spinning.

'I learned that I like oral sex, with you and me it was always a precursor to actual sex but Paul showed me it can be a sex act all it's own. The first time he showed me how fun it can be to take your time, he spent all morning making love to me orally, he waited until I was about to cum and stopped, then started again he delayed my orgasm for over an hour, building me up, letting me down then again and again until I couldn't take it and when I came it was huge, the biggest orgasm of my life."

When she saw me cringe she whispered, "Sorry darling but it's true, then I did the same for him, I sucked him building up the tension then as he did to me I stopped then rebuilt time and again I took him to the brink until he begged for release and I kept sucking, I knew he was going to cum but I kept sucking, I wanted it, I wanted to taste it feel it and when he did, I was amazed. I expected it to be horrid but no I liked it and the sense of power was incredible."

I couldn't speak, Jesus I could barely breathe, "Tom those are just sex acts, we can do them together, I would love to suck you like that make love to you all day with just my mouth. Don't you see what I am saying, he knew all this stuff which is why sex with him was better, not because he's better, just more experienced, but now we can share them together, we can experience that."

"What else?" I sighed, what else did he show you?"

Her face reddened and she hesitantly spluttered, "There are other things, but do you want to hear about them now?"

Surprised by her frank admission I shook my head whispering, "No maybe not, another time."

"Tom I will tell you everything, I will hold nothing back, I promise I will never lie to you."

"Where does this leave us Shell, what do you want?"

"I want to help him, he needs me."

"Yeah, yeah you said that already but what do you mean by help him? You're already editing his work."

"I mean spend some time with him, talk to him try to build his confidence back up."

"You want to spend time with him?"

"Yes, try and dig him out of this hole he has fallen into."

"In his bed?"

She shook her head slowly, "No... I know you're not in a place where that could happen, you would have to trust me, I would not be sleeping with him, there would be no sex."

"I would like to trust you Shell but your history coupled with what you just told me doesn't really allay my fears."

"Tom you can trust me, I have learned a lot, I was selfish and never realised how deeply I hurt you. I will never do that again. I just want to help a friend."

We sat, arms around each other rocking back and forth, her tears pooling on my shoulder. It took an eternity to build the courage, "OK Shell, go and see him, but if you let me down it will be the last time."

She kissed me, "Thank you my love, I promise I will never let you down again."

We made love, tenderly that night, thinking about what she said about taking time I went slow and I made sure her orgasms were real and strong. I used my fingers and then my mouth she came hard her hips jerking wildly as she squirmed frantically beneath me. I took my time and started again and took her to the edge before plunging my throbbing member deep into her white-hot depths and when she came again so did I...deep in her."

In the morning we were both in a rush to get ready, me for work and her for her visit with Paul.

I was running late so I kissed her whispering, "Be good."

She laughed, "Or what? Are you going to spank me?"

I was the first one home and after a quick shower I started dinner and as it was cooking in the hot pot I strolled into the bedroom, sitting down at the computer my mind swirling I started to write. It seemed that when my emotions were knotted and I switched from jealousy to anger it untangled my mind and my emotions were converted easily to words. I was deep into writing when I saw her car pull into the driveway, I unconsciously checked my watch, nearly three hours had passed since I had got home.

She sheepishly poked her head around the bedroom door muttering, "Sorry I'm so late, are you mad?"

Pretending to still be typing I mumbled, "No I'm not mad, how did your day go?"

She pulled up the spare chair and sat beside me, "It was so good, thank you for letting me see him. I know that must have been a hard thing for you to do. We talked a lot and we spent some time working on his book, we actually made some progress."

"Did he get a kiss?" I tried to say it normally with no animosity but my words were curt.

I saw her flinch before she answered, her words hesitant, cautious, "Yes, we kissed."

"I see and was it a quick peck on the lips or was there more to it?"

Turning slightly so she didn't have to look in my eyes she replied, "It was a kiss, I'm sorry Tom but for god's sake we were lovers... a peck on the cheek.... Christ..."

I turned back and started typing my fingers giving the keyboard a hammering. She grabbed my head in both hands and turned my head nearly ripping it from my neck and her lips crashed wetly on mine and her tongue forced its way into my mouth where it slithered along my gums, tangled with my tongue and my arms coiled slowly around her head in a searing passion laden kiss that kept going and going. Her tongue ravaged and pillaged, her hands roamed far and wide caressing me frantically.

I shifted my hands and pulled her onto my lap, my hands clutching wildly at her boobs, massaging and mauling, fondling her roughly.

We made love not the tender languid love like the night before, this was rough brutal unbridled passionate sex, more rutting than lovemaking.

Afterwards, we lay in each other's arms inhaling the aromatic flavour of the cooking lamb. "Tom I'm sorry if our kiss upset you but Paul and I shared a lot, we were lovers and I still have a lot of feelings towards him but I promise it was just a kiss."

Dinner was tasty and slowly we eased into conversation, for dessert we wandered hand in hand along the beach licking our ice-cream cones. The gentle northeaster wafting casually around caressed us intimately.

Back home Shell said, "I will clean up if you want to finish what you were doing earlier."

I frowned, "Are you sure?"

"Of course, I'm dying to see the finished product."

I fell easily back into the story although now with the anger dissipated the story took a softer edge.

It was well after midnight when I dragged myself away from the glowing screen of the computer.

Shelby was already in bed and her gentle snores echoed as I snuggled beside her. She never even budged. The next day as I prepared to leave for work, she asked, "Would you mind if I went back into town today and saw Paul again?"

Contemplating her question, I responded suspiciously, "If you think you have to then by all means, is this going to become a regular thing?"

Grimacing she murmured, "No just until I can get him moving freely, get his brain to function. He was so much better after my visit yesterday."

"Tell me, did he try to tempt you? Did he want more than a kiss?"

Tentatively she ruefully whispered, "He may have hinted at it, I suppose we flirted a little but I made you a promise and I will never break that, never you have to believe me."

Leaning in close inhaling her perfume I kissed her lovingly, "I trust you Shell, but I don't trust him."

"So long as you trust me whatever he says or does, doesn't matter does it?"

Driving to work that word kept circling the cabin, trust, did I trust her?

The next few days continued in that vein, Shelby drove into town and worked with Paul and I worked on my book. I finished it the next week. I walked into the lounge, Shelby was tapping away frantically on her laptop and I announced rather pompously I thought afterwards, "Well, it's done, I'm finished."

She looked up from her laptop with a big smile, "Wow, finished...can I read it?"

Nodding my agreement, I said, "It's open if you feel like reading it now."

She threw aside her computer and jumped up into my arms, "Try and stop me." She ran off and I did try to grab her, but she was too fast. I left her to it as I made a cup of tea and rummaged through the pantry looking for biscuits.

I carried her tea and some cookies into her as she laboured through my book. She accepted the drink with a cursory nod before slipping back into reading. I went back to the lounge and watched TV. All I could find was a home renovation show, god TV was full of these bloody shows these days.

As I watched I started to think, this place could use an update, it was old and even the update I gave it when I moved in still left it with plenty to do. Ignoring the TV I started to generate some ideas, what I would like to do. It brought other thoughts into play. Was this going to be my forever home? What about Shelby, what about our kids and that led to thoughts of grandkids...That made me smile, grandparents, that seemed a long way off.

It was late when I went in to bed, Shelby was still reading, so I jumped into bed and tucked up, "Honey that will still be there tomorrow, come to bed."

Turning with a hint of smile she whispered, "I'm almost finished, you go to sleep."

Sleep I did, it came easy my head filled with dreams about the house, the possibilities were endless. I don't know what time Shelby climbed under the blankets but her cold body woke me. She wriggled and snuggled up behind me, her lips sliding in little kisses over my shoulder, "Tom...it's amazing, my god it's better than your first. I am so jealous you are going to have a best seller."

As we were eating breakfast she asked, "What about editing? Will you let me do it?"

"Do you want to? You seem pretty busy with Pauls work lately?"

"No, I want to be part of it, I want to do it for you, please don't lock me out."

With a mouth full of Weetbix I kissed her gently, "Shell I would never lock you out. If you want to do it then do so."

She grinned, "Thanks' hon, you won't regret it." Cheekily she muttered, "If it wins a prize, do I get to accept it?"

She finished the editing in a couple of days, yes long nights but she finished and then we had to go back over it together where we discussed some suggestions she made. They made sense and seemed to improve the flow so we incorporated them. There were some I didn't like and we fought tooth and nail, she was adamant the story needed them but I held my ground stoically. In the end we had to agree to disagree, at least it was finished.

That opened another debate, she recommended I use an agent, I wasn't convinced but when I explained the deal, I accepted for my first book she dug her heels in, "Tom you sold yourself too cheap. Use an agent, let them fight it out with the publishers that way you maintain a good relationship with them, if they get pissed off it will be with the agent not you."

It all made sense and the agent she recommended sounded nice when I spoke with her. We talked about my first book and the financial settlement I accepted. She laughed outright when she heard. She promised to do a lot better. I had to send her my current book for her evaluation.

Two days later she rang back full of praise for my book promising to get a deal within a week. I asked if she would use the same publishers who released my first. She replied, "We'll give them first option but if they can't do a whole lot better than their first offer, we will be going elsewhere."

True to her word two days later I received an offer via email. It was from the same publishing house that released my first book and it was sizeable. I had no hesitation in signing. When Shelby saw the offer she whistled, "Holy shit Tom...that is better than I thought, they must really like it. I am so proud of you."

We sealed the deal later in bed where we made love with tender devotion.

With the book finished I turned my attention to the house. I hunted through the yellow pages and talked to literally hundreds of architects about the house renovations. I finally found a young guy who seemed onto it. He sent me lots of plans he had drawn up for other customers with letters of referral attached. Everybody seemed happy with his work and without even seeing my place he was keen. We talked money and the fact he was cheap helped seal the deal.

He agreed to come out Saturday morning for a look. Now I had to sell Shelby, although it was still my house, I felt like she should have a say as well. When I floated the idea over dinner, she was shocked, "Why didn't you talk to me first?"

"Because you have been pretty tied up in editing my book and working on Paul's new book as well. You have hardly been here. The architect will be here Saturday morning for a site visit."

As we talked, she softened and we started to talk about possibilities and it opened up another discussion, "Tom I want to help financially. My place has been sitting gathering dust since I moved out here. What say I sell it and put the money towards the renovations?"

That took me by surprise, "Shell that's a big step, you will lose your independence, you will have no fall-back option."

"Tom, I don't know how you feel but this is home to me, I love living here with you. I can't imagine going back to that apartment. If I did it would be the end of me. I want to live out my life with you and I want to do it here. I have been thinking about selling the damn thing anyway. Shit I have been living here and I feel like a tenant. I want to pay my way."