Mary and Alvin Ch. 34

He slipped into the seat next to her. "Sorry I'm late," he whispered.

"It's okay," she said. She patted him on the arm, and immediately felt self conscious about it. When the recital ended, they once again went to Starbucks and spent the afternoon chatting. Later, on the way to Hannah's car, Ryan suggested that they meet the next evening for a screening of The Third Man at the Pitt film co-op. Hannah agreed.

They were both thrilled by the movie, and afterwards, sat in a small diner and talked about it for hours.

They clearly enjoyed each other's company, but remained tentative. Hannah wondered if Ryan was as interested in her as she was in him, and by the next Saturday, she had decided to press the matter a bit further. After their usual coffee, she took Ryan's hand as they left Starbucks. He held it as they walked to her car. When they got there, she opened the door, then turned and kissed him on the cheek, smiling at the look of surprise on his face. He recovered from the shock before they met the next day at the film co-op, and as they parted after watching La Strada, it was Ryan who initiated the kiss. It was quick and tentative, but it was a step forward. She started to get into the car, but he held the door open.

"Listen, Hannah," he said, "This is kind of awkward, but I...well, I'd like to ask you out on, like, a regular date, but I don't have a car or anything..."

"Don't be old fashioned," she said, "I can pick you up."

He hesitated. Hannah thought he looked embarrassed. "Okay, tomorrow night?"

"Sure."

"I live on campus, in Morewood Gardens. You know where that is?"

"I can find it. Seven o'clock?"

He smiled, then nodded, then kissed her again.

***

Hannah picked him up right on time, and they drove downtown to eat supper at a fine Italian restaurant. After their meal they walked along the river at Point State Park. A light snow was falling. When they reached the convergence of the rivers, they stopped, and stood looking at the city lights across the water. Ryan took her in his arms and kissed her.

"It's too bad the fountain is shut off," Ryan said.

"If it wasn't, we'd be coated with ice from the spray."

"I wouldn't mind being frozen like this."

Hannah laughed and kissed him. "We might be anyway if we stay here long, it's getting colder."

They went back to the car and she drove him to his dormitory.

"Should I walk you to the door?" she asked him, with a grin.

"That won't be necessary," he laughed. They kissed goodnight, and he got out. As she watched him walking toward the dorm, she felt a moment of regret that he had not asked her to come in with him, and wondered what she would have said if he had.

It snowed again on Saturday. As Hannah finished her tennis lesson, she saw Ryan standing near the doorway, watching her. She walked over to him and he told her that he has just learned that the day's recital had been cancelled due to the bad weather.

"Well, okay," she said, "Maybe we can do something else. Give me a minute to get my stuff."

Hannah changed and they went outside. The storm had picked up, and the driving snow stung their faces.

"Maybe we should just call it a day," Hannah shouted over the wind.

Ryan shrugged. "Maybe we can go back to my room and hang out."

Hannah only hesitated for a second. "That sounds good," she said.

The streets were treacherous, but traffic was light and they reached the Carnegie Mellon campus without any trouble.

They dashed from the parking lot to the dorm, but were still caked with snow by the time they reached the entrance. They brushed it from each other, then took the stairs to Ryan's second floor room.

"Is your room mate in?" Hannah asked as Ryan unlocked the door.

"I have a single," he said, smiling.

"Oh, fancy."

"Look who is talking. Don't you live in Squirrel Hill?"

"It's not my house, it's my sister's."

She stepped into the room. The walls were covered with unframed art prints; Van Gogh's Cafe Terrace at Night, Monet's Impression, Sunrise, Renoir's Dance at Bougival. College students love the Impressionists, she thought with a grin. Looking around, she noticed that there was a single desk chair in the room. The only other place to sit was on the bed. Ryan took her coat and hung it up while she sat in the chair.

"I've got a coffeemaker," he said, ducking into the bathroom.

"Coffee would be great." She took off her wet boots and tucked them under the desk. In a few minutes, Ryan came back with two mugs of hot coffee. He handed one to her, then sat down on the bed. The silence in the room grew awkward. Ryan stood and reached behind Hannah to turn on his computer.

"Excuse me, I thought I'd put on some music," he said.

As he leaned above her, Hannah reached up and put her hands on his shoulders. He looked down at her and she raised her face and kissed him. He pressed his lips hard against hers, and slipped his tongue between them. He dropped to his knees embraced her. Hannah felt lightheaded. This felt different from boys she had kissed in the past. She felt a passion that was so intense that it frightened her. It was not the flash of excitement that she had felt with guys before, but a deep, intense yearning.

Ryan leaned back, and breathlessly spoke. "Do you want to...should we..."

"Let's move to the bed," Hannah whispered.

He stood and held out his hands. She took them and rose, moving towards the bed and pulling him after her. She sat, then reclined. He lowered himself over her and returned his lips to hers. His hand roved over her body, brushing her breast, then rounding her hip and slipping between her legs. He rubbed her there, a little too roughly. She took hold of his wrist and he understood, easing to a gentle caress. He drew his head back and gazed intently into her eyes.

"Hannah," he said in a breathy voice, "I want to make love to you."

Hannah hesitated for a moment. "I want that too," she sighed, "but I don't have any birth control."

"I have condoms."

"Okay."

Ryan got up and went into the bathroom. Hannah did not know why she had not told him that she was a virgin. Perhaps that was just ego, a desire to seem more worldly than she was; but she also felt that telling him might make him shy away and if this moment passed, it might not come again.

When Ryan returned, they sat on the bed, their backs against the wall. They kissed and caressed each other. Ryan unsnapped Hannah's jeans and slipped his hand inside. She raised and wiggled her hips to give him easier access. He ran his fingers along her labia and then slipped one inside. He found her clitoris and began to slowly finger it. She fumbled with the front of his pants, and soon had her hand wrapped around his cock.

It excited her to feel him stiffening at her touch, and her arousal grew. Her hips began to move on their own and in a few minutes his fingering brought her to an orgasm.

Ryan withdrew his hand and helped her out of her clothes. She lay back and watched as he stood and undressed As he was pulling his t-shirt over his head, she rolled forward, reached out and took the head of his cock in her mouth.

"Oh my god, Hannah," he gasped. He dropped the shirt and held her head while she gently sucked him. She gripped his thighs and could feel them trembling.

"Lay down," she said.

He lowered himself to the bed and she continued licking and sucking on his cock. He positioned his head between her thighs and pressed his face between her legs.

There was something about the way they were mutually pleasuring each other that made Hannah think of the musicians they had listened to together. She felt like they were each playing the other like an instrument. She closed her eyes and felt transported as she had on that first day in the auditorium, listening to the beautiful cellist.

Her reverie was interrupted by Ryan tapping on her arm. She raised her head and saw that he was trying to hand her the condom. She took it from him, and clumsily slid it on his penis, after first trying to unroll it the wrong way.

Ryan shifted, laying next to her and pulling her close against him. They kissed and she could taste herself in his mouth. He took hold of her thigh and pulled it toward him, hooking it over his hip, and to her surprise, he easily slipped his cock inside her.

She had expected discomfort, if not pain, but all that she felt was a pleasurable sense of fullness, of connectedness. As they moved together, she stopped thinking about what she was feeling and just let the sensations overtake her.

She rolled on to her back, and Ryan fucked her more forcefully. She grasped his hips and urged him on. After a few minutes, Ryan slowed.

"How are you doing?" he asked her, between deep breaths.

"Great," she sighed, "Pleased don't stop."

"Definitely...not...stopping..."

He rose up on his knees and took hold of her leg. She understood his intentions and rolled over. His cock slid out of her and she gave out a small moan of disappointment. He took hold of her hips, pulled her to her knees, and entered her again.

Hannah clutched the sheets and buried her face against the mattress as Ryan fucked her. Her knees gave out and she sprawled on the bed. He lowered his weight onto her and kissed her neck and the side of her face and he came, long and loudly.

Ryan pulled a blanket over them and they spooned together. The room had grown dark and Hannah could see snowflakes touching the window pane and disappearing.

"It's not as hard now," she said.

"Well, no, of course not, but we could do it again later."

Hannah laughed hard. "I didn't mean you, silly, I meant the snow."

"Oh. But, you know, we could."

"Not today," she said, "I need to get going. My sister is going to be wondering if I got lost in the storm."

Hannah felt a warm tingle all over her body as she dressed. Ryan walked to the lobby and they shared a lingering kiss at the door. Her warm contentment faded when she saw her car and realized that she had two inches of snow to brush off, but she was sure she would find it again.

***

Charlotte walked in from the living room, holding a book, when Hannah came into the house.

"There you are, baby," she said, "I was worried about you. Didn't you see my texts?"

"Oh...no, I'm sorry." Hannah took off her coat and kicked off her boots.

"Did you get any supper? I could warm something up for you?"

"No, but maybe...could we talk?"

"Let's go in the kitchen," Charlotte said, "Seth took Alvy and his friends tobogganing. Is this an ice cream talk or a bottle of wine talk?"

"Maybe both?"

"Sure." She got a bottle of zinfandel from the refrigerator and a quart of mint chocolate chip from the freezer. She let Hannah eat a few spoonfuls, then asked, "So what's up, honey?"

Hannah looked into her bowl and swirled her spoon in the ice cream. "The recital was cancelled because of the snow, so we went back to Ryan's dorm to hang out."

Charlotte's eyes narrowed. "Uh huh, and what happened?"

Hannah blushed. "We...um...we had sex."

"Oh, sweetie," Charlotte said, reaching across the table and laying her hand on Hannah's arm. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Did you use protection?"

"He had a condom."

"You really like this guy, don't you?"

Hannah blushed. "I think I am in love with him."

"It's better when you are in love."

"I guess," Hannah said, shrugging, "I don't think I was ever really in love before...and I never did it before."

Charlotte stared at her, a spoonful of ice cream halfway to her mouth. "Sweetie...this was your first time?"

Hannah nodded.

"This calls for more wine," she said, refiling their glasses. "You had some really cute boyfriends back home..."

"They were just boys."

Charlotte smiled. "So, okay, sister. Tell me. How did you like it?"

Hannah looked off into the distance. She thought about how she had felt when Ryan was inside her. The physical pleasure was intense, but there was something much greater about the experience that she could not put into words. For the first time since she had sat down at the table, she made eye contact with her sister.

"It was absolutely wonderful," she said.

***

The whole world seemed absolutely wonderful over the next two months. Hannah and Ryan spent every possible free moment together. They met after classes most days, spending hours just talking and getting to know each other more deeply. On the weekends, Hannah stayed with Ryan in his dorm room, making love frequently. As the bitter winter slowly loosened its hold, they explored the city, visiting the museums and galleries or window shopping for hours.

Then, on the first Sunday of April, Hannah woke up next to Ryan and snuggled against him. A light rain was tapping on the window. Ryan came awake slowly and spooned against her.

"It's raining," she said.

"Yeah." He squeezed her breast and kissed the back of her neck. "Maybe we ought to just stay in all day."

"We could, couldn't we?"

He kissed her again, between her shoulder blades. His hand ran along the curves of her body and slipped inside her thighs.

"I can't get enough of you," he murmured.

Hannah giggled. "What are you going to do all summer?"

His hand stopped moving and he raised his head. "Yeah, I have been thinking about that."

"Maybe you can come visit me in Maine."

"I have a better idea," he said, "I am going to be staying with some friends of mine in Chicago. You can come with me. We'd have our own room."

Hannah turned to look at him. "I'd love to come visit, but I'm not going to come to Chicago for the whole summer."

"But I don't to be apart from you for so long."

"We can visit each other. And we can see each other every day online."

He squeezed her between her legs. "We can't do this online."

Hannah pushed his hand away and sat up. She was starting to feel nauseous. "Ryan," she asked, in a voice that sounded more timid than she had intended, "How do you see our future?"

He rolled on his back and sighed. "I haven't really thought very far ahead."

"I haven't either. But if we are serious, I guess we ought to."

Ryan took a long time to answer, and when he did, he sounded annoyed. "We've only been going out for a few months, don't you think it's kind of soon to be planning our whole future together?"

"I don't think it's too soon to talk about whether or not we might even have one."

He sat up next to her. "I think we ought to take it one step at a time."

Hannah picked up her shirt and her underpants from the floor. "It's chilly in here," she said. She went into the bathroom and put them on. When she returned, Ryan had pulled on his jeans and was standing at the window, watching the rain. She wanted to go to him, to wrap her arms around him and take him back to bed. But she stopped in the middle of the room.

"Ryan, I love you..."

"I love you, too, Hannah," he said without looking around.

"...but I told you on the first day we met that when I graduate I am going back to Maine. That hasn't changed."

"If you love me, it should change."

"If you love me, you'll think about coming with me."

He made a snorting noise. "And live in some backwoods town?" He turned to look at her. "That's just not me. I would never fit in there."

"That's what my mom thought when she moved there."

"I'm not your mom."

"No. You're definitely not." She picked up her jeans and put them on. "I'm going to go home," she said, sitting down to put on her shoes. "We can talk about this more later."

"You're not being fair," he said. He sounded like he was crying. "I could say the exact same thing to you. That if you love me, you'd change your plans."

"You're right. It's not fair to either of us. Maybe it's a good thing we talked about it now and not...later."

She stepped over to the window and put her hand on his shoulder. He pulled away, just barely, just enough that she noticed. She turned, picked up her coat and walked out of the room. By the time she reached the bottom of the stairs, she was hyperventilating. She sat down on a bench near the front door and tried to collect herself. When her breathing was nearly normal again, she took out her phone and called her mother.

Mary answered on the third ring. "Hello, sweetheart, how are you?"

"Mama," Hannah said, sniffling, "I think Ryan and I just broke up."

"Oh no. Honey, what happened?"

"It's just...we are just on different paths."

"What can I do, sweetheart? How can I make it better?"

"Just your voice makes me feel better. Mom...how do you know what to do when you love somebody, but what you want in life is not what they want?"

"That's a tough question, honey. I guess you just have to go with your instinct on what's right."

"Did you ever feel like you had to choose between Papa and going back to California?"

"No. I mean, I thought about it sometimes, but can you picture him living in L.A.? I sure can't."

"So, you would pick the person you love over anything else?"

"Honey, I think if he was the right one, it wouldn't be a question, you'd just know."

Tears were flowing down Hannah's cheeks. "Mama, I love him."

"I know you do, baby."

Hannah sat quietly for a minute. Finally she said, "Alright, Mama. I'll be okay. I love you."

"I love you too, sweet girl."

"Tell Papa I love him."

"I will"

"And don't say anything to Bonita. I don't need her coming down here threatening to beat Ryan's ass or something. I'll tell her about it when I'm feeling more together."

Mary chuckled. "Alright, sweetie, call me anytime."

Hannah put away the phone and walked to her car. She drove home feeling numb. That night, she had a good cry in Charlotte's arms. The next day, she called Ryan and left a message, telling him that if he wanted to talk, she would be willing. He did not return the call. On Saturday, she took her usual seat in the auditorium. She sat, alone, and listened to a beautiful mezzo soprano sing arias from La Traviata. When the recital was finished, she went home.

***

Hannah came awake with a start. She stretched and looked out the car window. "Where are we?" she asked.

"Crossed the Hudson a little ways back," Bonita said.

"We ought to figure out where we are going to get supper."

"I was thinking Taco Bell in Worcester."

"Sounds good to me."

"Maybe not stop, just hit the drive through and keep moving."

"It's hard to eat tacos while you're driving without making a mess."

Bonita shrugged. "It's not my car."

"Bitch."

"Hey, you were mumbling in your sleep. Sounded like you were dreaming about that shitbird Ryan."

"He wasn't a shitbird, he was a great guy. We just couldn't make things work out."

Bonita slowed down for the toll booth that marked the entrance to the Massachusetts turnpike. When she had passed through, she stepped on the accelerator and shouted gleefully, "Massachusetts, baby! You are a New Englander again, girl!"

Hannah put her hand on Bonita's shoulder. "I always told you that I would come back."

"I knew you would," Bonita shrugged. "Why wouldn't you?"

Hannah looked out the window as they entered the green foothills of the Berkshires. Yes, she thought, why wouldn't I?

***

Hannah woke up to bright morning sunlight and the sound of voices coming through her open window. She sat up, pulled on her robe and went to the window to look out. Jennifer was standing at the edge of the cornfield, gesturing toward the long rows of foot high stalks. Yusef was with her, along with another man. The stranger was tall, and dark, the color of rich mahogany. As Jennifer was speaking, he turned and looked across the field, his hands on his hips. His shoulders were broad, and tapered down to narrow hips and what Hannah though might be the finest man's ass she had ever seen. She watched as he took a few steps into the cornfield. It wasn't his physicality that held her attention, but something innate in his bearing that gave an impression of dignity, of grace. He squatted and picked up a handful of soil. He rubbed it between his hands, then looked up at Jennifer, nodded and smiled. Jennifer and Yusef stepped nearer to him, blocking her view. They spoke for a few minutes more, then the man stood and the three of them walked away toward the vegetable garden.