Maximum Badonkadonk Ch. 10

Ms. Stone was conspicuous by her absence making me think she ghosted the proceedings to avoid me or Tressie texted her that I was present. This sent me spiraling into defense mode entirely internal and wholly neurotic on a social level as I imagined everyone present beside myself being in the know about our brief whatever and its sudden end.

Tressie was socially sequestered by her older female peers who perhaps looked to her leadership in the church's front office and were participating in a bit of brown nosing despite their age. I started working out an exit trying to find a way to get out of things in the least asshole manner possible.

"Hey, I've bought you a plate."

"Huh, oh thanks." Phoebe appeared at me weak side with a paper plate filled with some fried chicken, mac, and cheese along with some potato salad. She was also holding a styrofoam cup of fruit punch handing it to me after I collected the plate.

"Well, didn't look like you were going to come to the table we set up in the hall; besides, it gives me someone to cater to since Oliver isn't here."

"Huh?"

"Idles hands, the devil's playground; you've heard that, right?"

"That's a Jessica Alba movie, right?" Phoebe laughed at my answer taking a seat beside me. Her clothing made it look like she'd stepped out of the fifties or something.

"No, it's an old saying actually." Phoebe followed the trajectory of my gaze to Tressie again. It was obvious she thought we were having some sort of fling. My id was telling me to go with it and blow the duplicitous redbone's cover. I wasn't having any of that after my situation with Renee Kelly and its abrupt ending.

"So, how long have you been coming to this church?"

"Couple of months, we just moved back because Oliver got an opportunity to double his salary. Both of us have decided that we're going to retire by forty. Me, I'm currently employed at a company that makes greeting cards and I couldn't be happier."

"What box did you read that stuff off of Phoebe?" It was a Freudian slip making me facepalm with my free hand, but Phoebe appeared unbothered.

"Yeah Oliver and I get that a lot; we were high school sweethearts and got voted cutest couple. Funny, some of out classmates tried to break us up, but we persevered. Don't feel bad, I like it when someone is real with me."

"Don't get that a lot?"

"I was daddy's little girl growing up, pretty much a princess even at school. People were always really nice to me, so I can appreciate a bit of honesty, but not too much or I'll have to tell my husband on you."

"You ain't got nothing to worry about with me." My gaze drifted away following Tressie near the pulpit directing volunteer traffic as I downed my cup of punch. It dawned on me that we still hadn't spoken to one another. I could feel this invisible wall between us as I fished around in my pocket looking for my phone.

"I'm sure, let me fill your cup."

Phoebe casually took my cup walking away as I got my phone out finding a plethora of texts from my "secret admirer" and a few from Charity Gilbert. She was supposedly running late but my confidence was already shook as I realized I'd wasted a favor from her for nothing. I was frustrated feeling cheated out of the powerplay I'd set up to show Vicky she was no big deal.

"Uhm, hello again mister." I looked up finding Justin, Vicky's younger brother dressed up in a nice t-shirt and slacks. I glanced around him finding his sister sort of dressed up, but still noticeably slovenly.

"Oh, you came to help out Justin?"

"Kind of, we're having a Saturday Sunday school today and watching a movie, too." It was obvious Tressie had no intention of hooking up with me as my face scrunched up. Justin's sister didn't say anything, just had this distant sort of smirk on her face.

"That's great man, you stay up." It was meant to be dismissive but the kid stuck his hand out wanting to shake.

"Uhm, Vicky said we're supposed to thank you for uh, those groceries you sent to the house. We was pretty hungry that day, sir." I shook his hand feeling for the fourteen year old who'd been put on the spot by his sisters. The other slovenly girl simply glanced at me raising a thumb. I followed suite knowing I'd done the right thing.

"Hey man, don't worry about it; where's your sister?"

"Right there." Justin pointed over my shoulder prompting me to unconsciously whip about in my seat like someone was pointing a gun at me.

Vicky Stone was sitting there two rows directly behind me close to one of the set of double doors that led onto the church floor. My heart went into overdrive thumping at the sight of her sitting there with light makeup accentuating her old school beauty, hair done up with two combs on either side as I noticed her bare shoulders.

Vicky was wearing a striped mini dress; this bodycon type that was basically a tube of fabric covering her luscious figure. To say I popped wood would be a titanic understatement. She was looking straight ahead but her eyes drifted toward me for a second along with a slight half smirk before she tucked her chin. Vicky looked down at her feet avoiding my face, kind of smiling. I drew back almost shaking.

"You gonna go talk to her?" Justin asked earnestly.

"Uh, ah don't know." It seriously felt lie I was going to have a heart attack at the sight of this woman.

"Talk to her." The other sibling spoke up with a sneaky grin that was all the encouragement I needed. She was using a tablet, but both siblings were smiling as I glanced back again.

"Is it okay?" I glanced around noticing Tressie still occupied seemingly unable to run interference.

"We like you." Justin added.

I took this deep breath leaning forward in the booth almost like I was going to put my head between my legs reaching up grabbing the pew in front of me. I wanted to adjust myself but didn't want Vicky's siblings to notice, so I tuned in the opposite direction kind of sliding off the edge of the seat as I stood bent over. Luckily, I was able to shift things around covertly straightening my back as I turned in her direction, opposite end of my seating.

She was still looking down almost self-forced, chin tucked inward. I stood there staring as Vicky gradually realized I was looking at her. Her head shot up, hazel eyes staring in my brown ones as she legitimately flushed. It looked cute given her sort of reddish olive toned skin. I kinda nodded sideways as she began to fidget.

"HERE YOU GO BAE!!" Some slightly taller string bean of a guy appeared balancing two plates on one arm, stacked drinks on the other. He was a fucking pretty boy who was oblivious to my presence; at least for a few seconds anyway as we locked eyes. Vicky's eyes went wide as saucers, her shoulders hunching as she inched down a bit.

"Oh hello, my name is Bentley." I was given the impression he would've offered his hand if both weren't occupied.

"Nice to meet you, my name is Mud."

Before he could say anything else, I did an about face walking in the opposite direction trying to control myself. I heard a short, stifled snicker come from Vicky's sister cementing my instant enmity towards her forevermore. I didn't know exactly where I was going noticing an old lady near the pulpit.

The choir seating was at least three and a half rows upward with the top just a few inches below the ceiling. I decided I would perch on high waiting for the other shoe to drop saving my pride. Karma was visited instantly upon me before I'd even gone through with my dumbass powerplay born of resentment.

"Where are you going?!" The elderly church lady asked half standing in my way.

"Uh, I'm going up yonder, ma'am." I edged past her caring little how she took the pun or even if she got my dig at the Baptist church.

I walked up the aisle using the railing which was sort of rickety planting myself in the top seat center aisle. The elderly woman glared after me, but I fished out my phone finding some consolatory love bombing from a remote location Yoli.

I checked my online business finding the coin rolling in this fine wasted afternoon.

Andre 13.5 was experiencing a glut of new fans leaving me with some decent pocket change. I wanted to get out of a no-win situation as I noticed the old biddy complaining about me to Tressie. I glanced over finding Vicky's chubby slob of a sister damn near rolling in the aisles quickly noticing her elder sister scooting over behind her. The duplicitous redbone thot launched a loud pancake slap to the side of her sister's head as Tressie began her ascent up the choir aisle.

My eyes became slits of fury staring at her in a manner that suggested a new course of action instead of the present one. I mean if looks could kill and whatnot, so she stopped at the lower stairs as my phone chimed with a text.

Thankfully, Charity Gilbert was walking into the church giving me a written heads up.

"Hey, I invited a friend too baby." I sneered right into her face even glaring at the elderly tattletale. It didn't matter to me that I was burning, rather napalming some bridges here. I just wanted to get a little dignity back, even with a fake side chick a.k.a. Charity Gilbert.

Tressie stared after me looking half pissed, half distraught.

This wasn't surprising considering I was holding the bulk of her secrets. Maybe she was reconsidering our entire sordid association, but I didn't care. I just wanted to shove Charity Gilbert in these bitches faces and regain some dignity.

"Hey, don't go anywhere, we still need a little more help around here, okay?"

"Good luck with that baby."

I snarked without regard for the woman in her presence. As far as I was concerned, this was the last time I would show my face around the church no matter what my mother said. Vicky was gone along with her sister leaving Bentley holding the bag. Their plates and drinks sat untouched because he was waiting for her to get back. Justin stared at me finding a stone face akin to Mount Rushmore.

"Sorry." He apologized making me reconsider his motives.

Bentley sat there reading one of the left over church programs with this forlorn expression on his face. At that moment, the double doors in front of me opened revealing Charity surprisingly dressed in pious fashion. In short, she was dressed like a bag lady in my opinion.

It looked like she raided Aunt Ester's closet from that old Sanford and Son sitcom. She was wearing this dowdy looking dress covered with a natty beige sweater completely hiding the awesome figure underneath. We exchanged glances for a second or two as it became immediately apparent why she was dressed in this manner.

Charity Gilbert's father appeared right on her heel pushing the door open with this ferocious expression on his face. This guy was on to his daughter apparently obviously here to make sure his little girl wasn't engaged in shenanigans. He was decidedly blue collar and damn proud of it as we regarded one another.

"HEY THIS LOOKS LIKE A DAMN FINE CHURCH YOU GOT GOING ON HERE!! I'M BILL GILBERT, AND YOU ARE?!!" This guy was fucking scary from a "Chad" point of view. He was a big solid mass of sinewy muscle and verbal attitude sticking his big mitt-like hand in my face. The only way I could describe his voice was monstrously aggressive.

"Oh nice to meet you sir, my name is mud; you can talk to Tressie Fisher over there, I have to help out with the lovely bazar we're having tomorrow. Hope to have you present for the festivities." I modified my speaking voice sounding almost effeminate on purpose as Charity visibly cringed.

"CAN'T YOU SPEAK TO THE NICE MAN HERE, CHARITY?!!" Mr. Gilbert nudged his daughter in the side prompting her to offer her hand which he immediately swatted down.

"Uh, I'm Charity, nice to meet you, uh?" Her father didn't seem to even want her to touch the hand of the opposite sex.

"Mud, that's my name." I noped out of there into the church lobby.

The hits kept coming making me consider the man upstairs was getting payback on me for what I'd done with Tressie the last two times I was inside his house. Vicky was standing just outside the double doors looking larger than life in that striped mini dress that was a tube form fitted to her decadent curves.

Now I was getting a full figured view of her body finding that it extended to her knees leaving really nothing to the imagination. The outline of her panties was visible through the material and her feet were covered with low gladiator type sandals. She looked amazing and my body went into overdrive proving that fact.

For a few moments all I could see was her face in extreme closeup before gradually realizing she was standing there with her slovenly bum of a sister. I looked over finding that Vicky had a balled up fist around her sister's ear and some of the thick braids on her head. It looked like she was palming a basketball instead of a sixteen year old's skull. Vicky still appeared embarrassed as we faced one another too close for comfort.

"Uhm, hey." She mumbled making me wilt inside.

"Shit." I mumbled unable to look away as Vicky turned to her sister with a rough shake of her arm. The girl's pizza face was already grimacing from the pain some tears running down her pockmarked cheeks.

"OUCH, SORRY OKAY?!!" An apology was forced out of the sister. Vicky had custody of the tablet in her free hand.

"Wait until we get home, I'm gonna deal with you; GET YOUR ASS IN THAT CHURCH AND FIND RELIGION!!" The tablet was used to swat the youngster's butt with enough force that it might have been damaged. The female slob shrunk away defeated as we stood there hesitating.

"Now that's how you supposed to teach them kids; they don't do that enough these days." Two fortysomething volunteers were commenting on Vicky's impromptu parenting of her sibling. She nodded towards them with a knowing smirk before looking in my direction still sort of flushed.

"Um, I haven't called you because..."

"NO!" I backed off leaving the church doing this power walk in the opposite direction not caring where I was going.

I didn't want to hear about fucking Bentley or some bullshit excuse why shit went sideways that morning. Once I laid eyes on that guy, I was pretty much done. I wasn't giving her the opportunity to join Renee Kelly in the growing club of women playing mind games with me. My heart was still thumping and I was sporting some serious wood, but I just wanted to get away.

"HEY WAIT!!" She called after me getting close as I turned facing her ready to have it out.

Instead of Vicky, I found Phoebe standing there on the sidewalk with a drink in hand breathing hard. I looked at her still trying to calm myself when I realized it wasn't Vicky. She hadn't followed me after all preferring the Bentley guy over me and I'd made a fool of myself having Charity show up there.

"You ran down here to give me a cup of punch?" I was breathing hard, heaving as Phoebe approached extending the cup in front of her with a stiff arm. Over her shoulder there were other spectators watching us on the sidewalk adding to my humiliation.

"I think you need this to uh, cool down." I took the styrofoam cup and chugged it letting it fall onto the pavement still angry. Phoebe squatted down picking up the cup holding it with both hands.

"Alright thank you Phoebe; now if you will excuse me."

"Hey, could you help me out with one more thing?" I was backing off weary of her intentions because her behavior was setting off alarms, but I was becoming intrigued.

"Oh, what's that?" There was a momentary look of surprise on her face that lasted a second or two as Phoebe collected herself.

"Well, I mean uhm, there-uh, there's these boxes of homemade preserves that I left back over to the house and I'd like to get them over here to the church for the bake sale and all. I uhm, well there's like a lot of them and I could use a man's help putting them in my trunk. I was uhm, hoping you might help me out." She was basically stuttering and fumbling over her practiced excuse to get me alone somewhere.

"So you wanna take me to your house?"

"WELL I NEED HELP; THOSE BOXES ARE HEAVY!! So uh, that's why I asked you; I need your, help." Now I was really intrigued.

My eyes drifted down to the styrofoam cup in her hands watching her play and fiddle with it. Phoebe wasn't unattractive in the least. It's just that you wouldn't think her capable of any duplicity because she seemed perfectly innocuous. I mistook her interest for plain nosiness initially, but I was starting to think I was wrong.

"Let's go."

She hesitated for a minute then turned on a dime walking back towards her car parked ten feet away glancing back to make sure I was following still cradling that styrofoam cup in her hands. I hung back checking her out for the first time since we met noticing what appeared to be some muted curves hidden by her clothing. Phoebe looked a bit shaky nervously going to the passenger side door unlocking it after two tries.

She walked around the far side of her vehicle getting behind the wheel next to me putting the cup on the dashboard. For some reason this struck me odd and I tossed the cup out of my open window onto the church lawn in front of spectators. Phoebe stopped turning her key actually getting out of the car returning tossing the cup in the back seat of her Buick.

"Now, we really must watch and manage our carbon footprint on the lord's planet. We've gotta be good tenants." She explained.

"Is that right?"

"Well yeah, honestly I was quite shocked right now that you would blatantly litter right in front of me."

"It was a political statement."

I glanced into the side mirror as we passed the church knowing we were visible to the people there. I got a glimpse of Vicky standing on the pavement there with her siblings. She was talking to Bentley now holding their uneaten meals in styrofoam cartons. I bristled thinking he'd make a nice simp for Vicky.

"I was wrong, I thought it was Ms. Fisher, but it was her cousin Vicky instead." Phoebe commented as I rubbed the back of my head silently flustered.

"Tell me more Phoebe." I trolled.

"I distinctly saw you grope Ms. Fisher, Tressie so manly like you owned her; Oliver saw it as well, so we thought you two were having an affair."

"She's not married, how could we be having an affair?"

"Oh come on, you know what I mean; it seems so taboo because of her station in the church and her position as the Sunday school teacher. So salacious and inherently wrong for a woman of the most high, so exciting. Just the way your hand was digging into her bottom like that in front of everyone. It felt like a challenge to the world, if not God as well." Phoebe looked excited explaining her thoughts on something I'd done out of childish spite.

"Now what do you think?"

"You were trying to make her cousin jealous instead."

"Oh yeah?"

"Your reaction to Vicky today and how you looked almost frightened of her, solidified my suspicions. The expression on your face when that other gentleman appeared. The way she struck her younger sister and dragged her out into the corridor for laughing at your pain; it's right between the eyes."

"What?"

"Both of you are in love with one another."

"You know everything, don't you?"

"Well, are you denying it?"

I didn't answer but sat in silence brooding as we pulled onto a block that was upper middle class with a plethora of expensive homes. I knew of this neighborhood but had never traveled there. I found myself staring at some expensive homes, some of which looked like mini-mansions. It brought the question to mind of why Phoebe and Oliver would travel miles to a church in the quote-unquote hood.

She'd remained quiet since sharing her "AH HA" moment with me, looking anxious as we went down this winding road that led to a cul-de-sac bothered by a larger house and a wooded area that appeared to be a designed bit of landscaping brilliance. Phoebe pulled into the driveway of this nice looking ranch styled home with a connected double garage. It looked like something from the fifties.