Maximum Badonkadonk Ch. 15

I felt naked in the streets, undoubtedly about to probably do something I would regret as I walked to the open window of that limo peering inside.

"Fuck me."

"Get in here and watch that language."

Mrs. Van Allen was sitting there in a light cream colored suit with a white scarf about her neck. I got into the limo having a seat facing her feeling the aches everywhere. The Bentley pulled off as I put on my seat belt watching as she had a drink from a bottle of wine. She was relaxed while I was anxious with a dewy brow.

She poured me a glass which I downed as soon as it was handed to me. Mrs. Van Allen was similarly stone faced.

"Uh, good morning?" I offered breaking the silence.

"I abhor blue language but I suppose you are uh, shitting a brick right now?"

"That would be an accurate assessment ma'am; so you're investigating me?" I took another drink offered scared out of my wits.

"No I'm not investigating you; I'm intervening quite reluctantly on your behalf. I'm doing this because my daughter can't stop talking about you and I feel it necessary to keep you around until we find out how things turn out with Yoli."

"Mrs. Van Allen I need to know who had me investigated."

"Last time we talked you got a very small glimpse into my world; it's a very rarified place that you honestly will never see without endorsement, almost incestuous. We all, unfortunately have no one but ourselves to congregate with and it gets boring, so that's where people like you come into the equation."

"I don't understand."

"My generation knew how to handle things, but occasionally we can get sloppy too. That's where people like Mr. Denver come in and you, a distraction that's starting to annoy me. To that end to keep things quiet and avoid an scandal engineered when you filmed my daughter having nasty sex with you; I was drawn into the fray. Now you're a chess piece in our games; do you understand?"

"No, please stop monologuing me with the one percenter talk Mrs. Van Allen."

"You should be on your knees thanking me for saving your life, or the life you think you have. I've purchased your case from Mr. Denver at considerable cost and had the foresight to pay so much extra for a full and binding nondisclosure agreement.

Your relationship with my daughter has been very costly personally and now professionally. My husband is diligently busy with your needs as it were, so I'm going to need you to clean this up properly."

"Who investigated me Mrs. Van Allen?"

"I should think you would know the name of the man who wants inside your ass." She raised an eyebrow still stone faced as I facepalmed, then glared at my unwanted savior.

"Can I make a mess?"

"I don't care what you do, but end things however you like as long as it doesn't leave a trail back to me and my husband."

"I'm a lover not a fighter Mrs. Van Allen."

"Get out."

I didn't hesitate stepping out finding myself in front of the school as students and faculty milled about outside and inside. There was no need to look back because I knew Mrs. Van Allen was long gone. I started texting without hesitation in a bid to pull off the craziest of Hail Mary's. I was surprised when Tressie texted me back almost immediately probably in shock at the request. Even less surprising was the ringing of my phone as she called up making sure I wasn't imbibing opioids.

"ARE YOU CRAZY?!!"

"Yeah, can you make it happen or not; I need this to happen in an hour or two."

Before Tressie could answer, my secondary line started ringing with Steven's number. I wondered if he'd been tipped off by sleazy PI Jimmy Denver or even worse, Mrs. Van Allen. She'd had a mad on for me since discovering me trying to get rid of evidence in Yoli's bedroom a while back.

"Hold on Tressie."

I switched over finding some light elevator sounding music in the background. It was the same hipster sounding tunes my boss Steven usually played in his office whenever we were having a staff meeting. I could already hear the motherfucker breathing hard into his end of the call.

"Hello?"

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY GOOD-MORNING!! That's the appropriate way to address someone this early, especially your boss. Say babe, I know you've spoken with our good friend Jimmy and I was well, kind of thinking we should take in a meeting, if you're not too busy. I know you're not busy fella; love to see you this morning doll."

"Uhm, yeah boss." I manufactured a crestfallen voice thinking on the fly.

"IT'S STEVEN; geez guy how many times am I gonna have to correct you about that it's so annoying. Well I guess we're going to have to get together and POUND IT into YOU, huh babe?"

"Uhm, sorry."

"WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO SOUND SO OFF ABOUT IT, DO YOU?!!" He had no idea I was standing there completely unbothered and ready to quit if he pushed the issue too far, but I wanted to teach this fucking perv a lesson.

Steven "Berhan" had it in his head that he was going to be putting his mark on me, but I had other ideas. His effeminate sounding voice was irritating in tandem with his heavy breathing, I didn't know if it was a vocal construct or his true self. Usually he sounded like a regular guy with no inflection that would clue a person to his nature. Abayomi got out of "paying it forward" with his sheer physicality.

"Yeah uh, well it's a bit much."

"No it isn't, just six inches standard."

"The situation, I know you've been waiting and uh, sorry but I could use an extra minute or two." I made it sound as if I were on the verge of tears. His breathing got even heavier on his end of the call making me retch a little.

"Well uhm, tell you what sweet cheeks; how about we do it, uh have a meeting around eleven thirty, in my office proper? You better take it because I'm being so fucking generous right now!"

"Uh yes, thank you Steven." I replied faux-meekly.

"Love you." He hung up thankfully as I went a little green around the gills before clicking back over to Tressie Fisher.

"Tressie, how we looking; is it a go or what?"

"You're crazy, did I tell you that?"

"Pot-kettle, please the suspense is killing me; what'd they say?"

"Greenlight baby."

We were laughing in minutes sharing some long distance mirth and camaraderie given our shared history. Honestly I missed her in the days before she tried to take me out, but it was better having this semi-stable version of the former youth pastor and Sunday school teacher instead.

"WHO YOU TALKING TO TRESSIE?!!" Mr. Gilbert's baritone voice interrupted us out of the blue.

"Oh honey, it's your future son-in-law." She joked as I heard some jostling about on the phone replaced by his voice speaking directly to me.

"WHAT'RE YOU DOING CALLING UP HERE THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING?!!" He barked in my face.

"Just catching up, and uh, asking for a favor."

"Boy, you out of favors around here and don't get no ideas just because I didn't put some lead in your butt for fooling around with my daughter!"

"Understood, but is it that nice?"

"WHAT?!!"

"My butt, everybody keeps wanting to put things in it; what do you think about that Mr. Gilbert, sir?" I could almost hear him bristling on the other side of the phone while Tressie laughed gregariously in the background. I wondered if they'd gotten married yet.

"Oh you got jokes, huh?"

"You like my butt sir?"

"I'm changing the number, and you stay away from my daughter fool!"

"SAY HELLO TO CHARITY FOR ME!!" It was too late, Mr. Gilbert already hung up.

********************************************************************************************************

"Well, it's about time."

"Well fuck you too cis nigga." Deidrick and Cedric appeared at the ninth hour just as I was considering an informal resignation punctuated with a bit of righteous violence.

"No need for hostilities fellas, we're on the same page right?"

"Money please." Cedric held out his hand wanting the cash, but I countered holding up my phone.

"Fuck me, the future is, oh so generic; I mean there's nothing like cold hard cash at the end of the day, but cash app is perfectly fine with me too."

"Uh, do I just forward the money to you or do you guys want it separate?"

"We usually sandwich it, between us brother; do as you like we live together." I started tapping away the bribe on my phone noticing Deidrick's disturbing attire of a baby tee with left his hairy abdomen exposed, some denim booty shorts, the requested athletic socks and canvas sneakers. Cedric was dressed similarly except for a white frilly tank.

"So, you just wore that shit all the way over here?" I couldn't help chuckling.

"Yeah, wore it all the way over here in our luxury Jaguar fully loaded, uhm, what are you driving inquiring minds want to know?"

"Damn man, the burn is real; I surrender."

"You should be thanking us for taking your little plan and enhancing it like the boss queens we are, my Cis nigga."

"Please stop calling me that." Deidrick was standing off the curb staring down the street, alternately at his phone. I didn't know what to make of that as his partner Cedric roughly shoved a paper shopping bag into my sternum.

"If you're coming over to our side, then why are we here?"

"No, I uh, just want you to stop calling me a nigga."

"Oh, sorry about that shit but we usually get it in both ends with the world at large. My Deidrick and I decided we were just gonna be fucking unbothered until our dying days and you know what?"

"What?"

"IT'S BEEN FABULOUS!!" He shouted in my face.

"Okay bruh; what's in here?" I peered inside the bag horrifically finding a similar baby tee like the one stretched across Deidrick's barrel chest.

"Your commitment to the cause."

"PUT IT ON RIGHT NOW OR WE AIN'T DOING SHIT!!" Deidrick barked showing uncharacteristic aggression.

This couple usually kept to themselves even in social circles demonstrating a unbreakable bond that brought to mind Phoebe's husband Oliver. There was no doubt he was the third wheel in whatever was going on between them, maybe a willing gimp of sorts.

"Cool bruh, I got it."

I still had the bag open staring at the shirt already gauging several ways to play things off in public after the fact, but time was short. Cedric held the bag open allowing me to change shirts right there on the street as some bystanders passed intermittently amused and dare I say, curious.

"Whatever." Deidrick barked back.

"What's his deal man?" I half mumbled to Cedric.

"Not the time or place, however I will say this; Separately and collectively we have a problem with grimy guys criminalizing our orientation. Deidrick, well he uh, let's just say this is very constructive for him in a nonviolent way." Cedric explained as I pulled on the shirt finding it uncomfortably tight around my underarms with more of my abdomen exposed than I would've liked.

"So, what's going on and what're you guys talking about "enhancing my plan" huh Cedric?"

"It was so uh, drab like a shitty sitcom so we freshened up your idea with a bit of the skittles rainbow and some 70's acceptance by way of our lost ancestral venue, Club 54."

"WHAT?!!" I was lost in the reference but thankful I hadn't been made to wear a pair of booty shorts as Deidrick piped up.

"THEY'RE HERE!!"

"Huh?" My eyes went wide as circumstances answered my questions quite emphatically.

I noticed at least six other guys approaching in similar attire making me instantly start to regret not just quitting my job outright. Part of me was self-scolding for not simply denying sleeping with Zoya right off the bat as a few more guys obviously of the alphabet community rounded the corner.

A few disparate pedestrians were starting to notice things forming as I palmed the back of my head worried. Making things even worse was this approaching cacophony of familiar old school music, a particular theme to what was going to be a crash or burn scenario.

"BUCK UP BABY!" Cedric slammed the bag now containing my t-shirt into my butt making me double over to the rising strains of "You Make Me Feel" by gay disco icon Sylvester.

I looked up finding a phalanx of pink hued guys advancing on us led by this big flabby looking brother with a rainbow hued mohawk. This guy was a study in acute androgyny unfortunately bare chested with an actively flopping pair of moobs and jiggly potbelly over some tattered booty shorts. Pink scrunched up leggings and matching Chuck Taylors completed this queen's sweat glistened countenance.

This motherfucker was carrying a boombox, an old school big, giant boombox like the ones used back in the days of breakdancing.

Also this freak was barreling towards me with the speed of a freight train.

"FLASHMOB!!" Cedric and Deidrick screamed in unison.

"SHIT!!" I toppled over expecting to be trampled to death under the feet of a raging mob of euphorically happy gay men.

They passed me in fey dancing lock step marching on the performing arts building leaving me in a fetal position on the sidewalk. I recovered finding an unfortunate visual in that giant black guy's big jiggly bared buttocks protruding from his shorts along with several of his steadily growing entourage.

Cedric and Deidrick were flanking him getting further away as more men flew by with some pedestrians joining the growing crowd headed for my school, particularly the second floor.

"Oh fuck me, I've gotta get on top of this thing." I cut out into the street running hard by the crowd as the head of this undulating pink snake reached the entrance of the school. Security was no match for this dancing mob, so I knew I wasn't getting inside.

"Man what're you wearing?!!" Ed the custodian was laughing his ass off already as I noticed the side fire exit open in the adjacent alley. He'd been steam cleaning the alley when things started happening.

"IT'S A UH, LONG STORY ED; I'M GOING IN THE SIDE DOOR!!" I yelled as I ran past him into the building.

"SURE!!" Ed was busting up looking at my own baby tee, hot pink as it were.

I hit the stairs finding a deluge of faculty and students running down in my direction. It looked like one of those old Godzilla movies with the villagers evacuating while the carnage happens in the background. The music was even louder with an accompanying echo as I negotiated the people and steps mashed into the wall at my immediate right.

"Aw shit, this is fucked up."

I squirmed and squeezed by two horrified looking brothers intent on running through me if they had to, finally making it onto the second floor.

"AW FUCK!!"

FREE by Ultra Nate blasted me in the face bouncing off the walls of the second floor corridor which was now crammed sardine can full with the undulating bodies of dancing men and students in various states of undress.

There was more than one nude guy bopping and jumping to the music as I worked my way through the crowd shoving and jostling with people in a damn near futile attempt to make it to Steven's office.

Zoya Berhan was standing in front of the door arms outstretched like an upright snow angel, eyes wide as saucers.

I motioned towards the door fearing the worst, as she nodded not wanting to capitulate, but I lightly shoved her aside allowing the crowd to swallow her whole.

I was obliged to put my shoulder to the door pushing it open to find my boss Steven getting the mother of all floor shows, a perverted abomination of the Ziegfeld follies. Steven was trapped behind his desk with walls to wall partying men, a lot of them fully nude. I noticed one or two other horrified faculty members inside as well grimacing as our eyes met.

Unexpectedly, Oliver was among the masses.

"STEVEN YOU BITCH, YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME FUCKER!!" I yelled in the loudest effeminate voice I could manage.

He faceplanted on his desk flanked by Cedric and Deidrick with the latter leant over talking heatedly into his ear. The former waved me out of the office as Steven glanced at me looking as if his head would explode only to find the grand marshal of this gay parade twerking in his face.

Caligula was rolling in his grave pissed that he wasn't invited to the party as I made good my escape into the narrow corridor. It looked like some of the security had been called from the main building to get things under control but were failing miserably.

"When in Rome." I decided to partake of the jovial atmosphere jostling and dancing as I tried to make it to the stairs finding Zoya pressed into the wall at my side.

We exchanged glances as I started busting up thinking it was last day working there. I was content to go out in grand fashion, so I pressed in close giving her a sloppy wet kiss with one hearty handful of her huge donk.

"Mrs. Berhan." I winked at her gasping countenance.

Her chest was heaving, mouth hanging open as I backed away fists up snapping my fingers to the infectious music making good my escape. There was this crazed expression on her face that I wanted no part of as I dipped back into the stairwell.

I could hear the sounds of approaching patrol cars as I hit the fire exit. I dialed up my accomplices.

"HEY GET THE FUCK OUT, THE COPS ARE COMING!!" I managed partially gassed myself negotiating my way downstairs. The last thing I wanted was more people going down because of my bad decisions.

"DULY NOTED; DON'T WORRY ABOUT US HONEY, WE'RE GETTING IT IN TODAY AIN'T THAT RIGHT STEVIE BABY?!!" Cedric's glib delivery wasn't lost on me or the long groaning cry that followed making me facially cringe holding the phone away from my ear.

The music was damn near deafening, but somewhat muffled sounding as I caught some movement out the corner of my eye.

"No." I found myself looking up a few stairs at a positively crazed Zoya Berhan. The call was cut off from the other side as I took a step or two downwards in retreat.

"Come now, I have something for you dear heart."

"NO YOU DON'T!!" My hand was inadvertently on the door handle leading onto the first floor. The exit was below me but hindered by pedestrian traffic continually running down the stairs. I snatched it open bolting into a congested corridor trying several doors in the narrow space.

Finally finding an open door, I ran inside with the intent of slamming it behind me, but Zoya pushed inside with a labored grunt.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!" Her back was facing me as she locked the door with the sliding deadbolt wholly audible before turning leaning against the door at an angle. Zoya looked damn near feral holding the bag that contained my t-shirt in both of her tiny fists.

"I've retrieved your bag here; aren't you grateful?" She gasped as I looked around finding a brick wall staring at me. The only other exit was a narrow transom window high on the wall.

"GET OUT!"

"This is a consultation room meant for private one on one meetings; ironically speaking this is where my tragically desperate husband intended to take you before you enacted your own version of running with the bulls as it were. You, are responsible for this, are you not?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." I knew I wasn't convincing in the least.

Zoya was wearing this grey long sleeved turtle neck and what seemed to be her fashion preference, a ridiculously short tennis plaid skirt that put her powerful legs and extra wide hips on full display as she smiled like a toothy rodent.

"RIGHT!! Yeah I'm fancying a proper snog, just about now!!"

"HEY!!" The bag hit me in the face as Zoya frantically grabbed the sides of her skirt losing it in seconds revealing a black thong underneath which she would've torn off if not for its inherent elasticity. Her muff was shaved bare this time.

"Come on, look at this and tell me you don't want to shag the living fuck out of me!" Being ever the true supervillain, Dr. Berhan turned swiveling her hips in my direction putting her nuclear donk on full display.