Me and Danny Ch. 07

All I had for him was, "I don't know son."

That answer wasn't satisfactory at all, as it shouldn't have been. He shook his head as in disbelief and said, "I honestly can understand you having an affair. As fucked up as it sounds, you stepping out on Dad seems...I don't know...normal. I've always thought you guys were just too perfect, you know? Compared to other parents, you guys just seemed too good to be true. I can't recall ever hearing you guys argue, and you're always all over each other."

He seemed to just be spouting off a stream of consciousness monologue to make sense of things. Looking back at the whole thing with Danny, it made no sense to me either.

"Believe it or not, I love your father. Very much." I said, my mind absent.

Chris turned to look me in the eyes. His lips tightened, but his expression wasn't angry. There was no trace of the rage in his eyes that was present earlier. Now, there was just sadness and confusion.

"I believe you." He said with a grim nod. "And if this were just some random guy you were with, I could brush this off. But...Danny? That's just a whole 'nother level, mom. I...I don't know what to do with that." He paused, as if letting thoughts bombard him before further asking, "Why? Why Danny? Why not just some random guy?"

I let out a sigh. Honestly, I'd been asking myself that same exact question since all this started. Why did Danny have such a hold on me? Why did I feel this need to give him all of me?

"I never intended to cheat on your father, Chris. This thing that happened with Danny wasn't some revenge against your father for not being around more. Honestly, it just...happened."

"That's not good enough, mom." He said pointedly.

He was right. It was an inadequate and cowardly cop-out. Taking a deeper look inside of me, I really thought about what it was that I got out of my relationship with Danny. I knew what Danny got out of it, but what fueled me?

"If I'm honest with myself..." I started off but had to stop because what I was about to say was so real that I felt exposed. But Chris needed a little bit of real from me right now, so I forged ahead with, "Danny fed a part of me that I didn't even know was hungry. For the first time, I was someone's first option. Your father always chose his work, you always chose your father, but Danny always came to me. His first words were to me. He chose to help me when I needed it just because he liked being around me. That kind of loyalty is...addicting. It made me feel important and needed. It made me want to please him."

"But...dad loves you. I love you."

"I know." I said as I rubbed his cheek. "But I was greedy and selfish. I wanted more."

His head fell into my bosom, and I hugged him close. My mind flashed back to the last time I held my son like this. He was 8, and afraid of the dark. He didn't want to admit it to his dad because...well...Martin was Martin. The marines had brainwashed the word "fear" from his vocabulary. Martin didn't understand what it was like to be rendered powerless by such an unfightable foe.

But I did. So, I held my baby boy. I held him until he fell asleep. And that was the last time my son needed me more than his father.

Danny got stitched up, filled with pain meds, and sent on his way. No aftercare treatment. No overnight stay. Just a few tips on keeping the stitches cleaned, a prescription for more meds, and bon voyage. The American medical field at its best.

The three of us drove back to the large house filled with memories. When he pulled into the driveway, Chris killed the engine. Then, in a stern voice that sounded so much like his father, he said, "The only way forward without Dad having to find out about this is if Danny moves out. I don't care where you go, but you can't stay under the roof my dad works his ass off for after what you two did. It's not right. He doesn't deserve that."

He was right. I could see that. But Danny wasn't ready for the world. He wasn't like Chris. He needed me.

I put my hand on my son's arm. Pleading for my nephew, I said, "But he doesn't have anywhere to go."

Chris shook his head. "I don't care. Danny needs to get out and be on his own. He's almost 20. He could go to college like me, find a roommate to split the rent, or just get a job with a future. Either way, him staying in that house with you is unnatural, especially after what you two did."

I was about to raise more protests on Danny's behalf, but he suddenly cut me off with, "Deal."

Gasping, I looked at him and asked, "What?"

He met my eyes. With a face filled with resolve and determination, he repeated, "Deal."

I wanted to cry. Danny wasn't ready. But more importantly...I wasn't. He was the most stable thing in my life. Without him, I'd be so lonely. What was I going to do without him?

"But...but..."

But I had nothing because Chris was right. Looking back at my son, I just nodded.

"And you need to go to couples' counseling with dad." He continued. "There is a lot of shit between you two that you don't talk about. You walk around, pretending everything is okay, and it's not. It's not fair to dad that you don't tell him what you need. Just like you told me that you need me to come over more, you should tell him."

"I've tried, Chris. But your dad is ambitious. He has goals. The last thing he needs is a nagging wife."

"No, the last thing he needs is an unhappy wife who cheats on him with his nephew. You need to make him understand. That's what counseling is for."

He was right. As much as I wanted to argue, Chris was absolutely right. So, I could do nothing but nod.

He returned my nod with one of his own before saying, "Dad won't find out from me. You have my word, as long as you two keep your ends of the deal. This day will die with the three of us."

I looked to Danny, who returned my sad eyes to me. A heartbreaking message passed between us in our secret language. Our secret life was over, and our normal lives were forever changed.

***

Martin came home from his business trip, but the family he returned to wasn't the family he left. Things were gloomier, more morose. The three of us were stilted around each other, like we were afraid the earth would shatter if we spoke too loudly.

Imagine the surprise Martin felt when Danny announced that he was renting a house with 3 other strangers because "It was time for him to grow up". Martin tried to argue him out of it, not knowing the real reason for his sudden need to fly the coup. But Danny stuck to his guns, and his story, until the bitter end.

And I cried. God, I cried! Watching him pack his clothes was too much for me. When I caught sight of him disassembling his supercomputer, I almost locked him in his room. The only thing that kept me from confessing everything to Martin was the fact that if I did, the result would be the same. Worse, really, because Danny would truly be on his own. The entire family would isolate from him, and he'd have no one.

School picked back up, so I at least had my children to occupy my mind. I found myself staying later. Where I used to grade papers at home, I now sat in the library. Anything to get me out of that house, away from that empty room down the hall.

My heart was broken, and it had nothing to do with empty nest syndrome. I was mourning the loss of a lover. After everything, I loved him as both a son and a boyfriend. That final week, right before we were discovered, melded my heart to his.

Yes, I loved Martin. He was my soulmate. But I could no longer fight the fact that I was also in love with my nephew.

And now...he was gone.

***

For two months, I existed without living. I felt myself drifting away from life, away from my marriage...away from Martin. But I was numb to everything; a zombie who looked like a woman I used to know.

Chris tried to talk to me, but I refused to hear him. I wasn't angry at him. I knew that it wasn't his fault my life was like this. Yet, I couldn't stop my mind from seeing him as he was that day; angry and hateful. Plus, I could see the stagnant disappointment in his eyes, and I knew that he didn't see me the same as he did before.

Every encounter with my son just made my heartbreak worse.

I didn't snap out of my funk until the unimaginable happened. One day, I returned home from avoiding my husband, avoiding my house, avoiding my life. I guess Martin didn't hear me walk in. I knew he was home because I saw his truck parked in the driveway, but I didn't call out to him. I didn't go and look for him like I would've before that fateful trip. I just floated into my house on my empty cloud.

Something in the kitchen stopped me in my tracks, a foreign sound that seemed wrong. I robotically walked in the direction of that sound until I realized what I was hearing. My brain couldn't even process it. It was surreal, like it didn't even belong in this universe.

I heard Martin crying.

My hand went to my mouth to stifle the gasp. I peeked around the corner, still trying to remain undetected, and what I saw was much worse than what I heard.

My strong husband, the fearless one who never got rattled, was leaning up against the counter like his body couldn't stand on its own. His shoulders shook and trembled with the force of his sobs. He wept like I'd never seen a man weep before.

That was when I realized the full extent of what I'd done.

He was so lost in his tears that he didn't hear me come up behind him. He jumped when he felt my arms wrapping around his waist. But he let me hold him. He turned around to face me, returned my hug, and let me comfort him in a way he'd never let me before.

"I'm losing you, Ronnie. I'm losing you. Just please, tell me how to win you back." He cried.

We held each other for what seemed like forever. It felt so good to hold him and be held. I'd forgotten what being in his strong arms felt like.

"I'm so sorry." I said to him as I looked up to his tear-stained face. Seeing him this vulnerable made me remember exactly how much I loved this man. There were layers to him that never ceased to surprise me.

He didn't even ask why I was apologizing. He just nodded, like he accepted it.

***

Marriage counseling was hard for both of us. Talking was hard. Listening was harder. But we kept at it, and things started getting better.

Ironically, as our communication improved, so did my guilt about what I WASN'T telling him. Here he was, opening up to me in ways I'd been dreaming for years, and I was holding back. Just like everything else I'd done to him, it wasn't fair. He deserved better.

So, I decided to tell him EVERYTHING. Damn the consequences. I refused to live with this secret any longer.

On the evening I was going to take the plunge, I packed an overnight bag and placed it by the front door. I withdrew a few hundred in cash so I could get a hotel room. I was preparing myself for when he realized the slut he married and kicked her ass out of his house.

When Martin came home, and his voice shouted my name through the hallways, I was waiting for him on our couch. I sat in the living room, rehearsing and re-rehearsing all that I was going to say. But the moment I heard that booming voice, I melted. All my preparation was for naught. I had nothing past, "I've been cheating on you with Danny."

"Hey, Ronnie! There you are. What's up with the bag by the front door? You going on a trip or..."

The tears on my face stopped him in his tracks. His face fell into one of worry. "What's wrong, baby? Talk to me." He said, his voice gentle and reaffirming. He learned that in counseling, how to make me want to open up to him.

That just made me see how much he was trying, and how much he deserved someone he didn't need to try for. Me? I deserved to rot in hell.

I sniffled. Then I fell to my knees before him and broke completely down into a sobbing mess. I couldn't do this. I couldn't rip this man's heart from his chest like this. I wasn't strong enough to do that.

He knelt in front of me, putting us face to face. Lifting my chin until our gazes met, he asked, "Do you love me?"

"Huh?"

"Do you love me?" he repeated, his words soft and tender.

"With everything I have." I said, not able to contain myself past that sentence. He grabbed me into a hug and squeezed me tight, letting me sob all over his shoulder. I hiccupped as I cried.

In a voice filled with sadness and uncertainty, I said, "I...I have to tell you something."

He shook his head. "You just told me everything I needed to know."

"But..."

Pulling me back from our hug and looking me directly in my eyes, he suddenly asked, "Is it over?"

"Huh? What..."

"Your thing you have to tell me about. That thing that you've been going through. Is it over?"

I looked at him, not sure we were even on the same page. But I could see something in those steely blue eyes. There was a sad recognition there.

He knew. How much he knew; I couldn't be certain. But he knew.

"Yes." I said with certitude.

His face saddened at that. Now, there was no doubt what we were talking about. I'd just confessed without confessing.

His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed the hard lump in his throat. He sighed a sad sigh, like he was resolving to accept this new reality. I could see the struggle in his eyes, looking at his new wife. No longer was I the woman he knew, the one who'd never hurt him or betray him. I was someone else now.

In a voice filled with anxiousness, I had to ask, "How long have you known?"

He just shrugged. "For a while."

"But...how could you be so calm about it? Weren't you angry? I would've been going insane!"

"I WAS angry." He said with a bitter snort. "When you started staying out later, I started tracking you using the GPS on your phone. I followed you, hoping to catch you in the act. I even cloned your phone so I could see if you were texting anyone or using any social media to communicate with your lover."

"What? How did you..."

He waved me off. "I'm a security specialist." He said, like that explained everything. It kinda did, in a scary way.

His eyes got sad. "When I realized that you weren't spending time with another guy; that hit me hard. It hurt more because it was obvious that you just didn't want to be around ME. And that...was hard to take. For the first time, I saw that I was losing you, and I was powerless to win you back."

The fact that he knew about my infidelity, and his thoughts were on trying to win me back, changed everything for me. I assumed that Martin was this hardcore, unforgiving guy who wouldn't take shit from anyone, let alone a cheating wife. But this revelation showed me how much he really loved me. Inside of that tough exterior was a heart, and it bled for me.

"How could you just...accept that? I lied to you and betrayed your trust! You've always been upfront with me, and I repay you by sneaking around behind your back!"

In my self-deprecating rant, I almost missed it. There was a flash of something in his eyes. It wasn't anger, like you'd expect. It was more like...guilt.

"I accepted it because I know that people lie. It doesn't mean you don't love the person you're lying to. And that's what's important to me. You love me more than anything else. So, for me, I don't care that you cheated. As long as you love me, it doesn't matter."

I should've been happy with this. My slutty ass shouldn't have looked the gift horse in the mouth. But there was something nagging me about all of this. It was too easy. Who would be willing to just forgive and forget betrayal like this? I'm one of the few people who believe that an affair isn't necessarily the fatal blow (for obvious reasons), but for him to just accept having his trust broken without even a confrontation was beyond normal.

Unless...he was hiding something too.

The conversation was put on the backburner when his phone rang. He answered it, his face apologetic as he left the room to take the call.

My mind circled the wagons behind this new suspicion. Suddenly, everything Martin did looked suspect. That phone call that he just took...was it his mistress? Is that why he's so understanding about me cheating? Because he's doing it too?

Yes, I'm a hypocrite. I'm the worst kind, because I recognized my hypocrisy and still let anger and hurt overwhelm me. At that moment, all I could see was him in the arms of another woman, giving her MY fat cock, whispering sweet things into her ears with MY mouth.

And I...was...livid!

When he re-entered the room, I just let him have it. I flung myself at him, tears spilling and all. I threw myself at him with my arms flailing. I wanted to scratch his eyes out, to hit him, to make him hurt as much as I was hurting at this moment.

"WHO IS SHE?!" I screamed crazily. Martin was shocked by my sudden outburst, but my husband has the reflexes of a cheetah. He quickly subdued me, twisting me around and pinning my arms at my side.

"Ronnie, what the fuck?" He asked his irrationally angry wife who was trying to twist out of his grip so she could attack him some more.

"Who is she?" I repeated, grunting as I failed at escaping his clutches.

"Who is what?"

"THE BITCH YOU'RE FUCKING, MARTIN! WHO IS SHE!"

I needn't struggle anymore because he released me of his own volition. I could've restarted my attacks, but the icy look on his face stopped me.

"Why would you think I'm cheating on you?"

A little less sure of myself than I was a minute ago, I said, "Because you're hiding something."

"You mean...like you?" he said, a cold smirk appearing on his face.

They say that people project their sins onto others. Thieves assume everyone steals if they have the opportunity. The same with liars and cheaters. The thought process is, If I can fall so easily, surely they can too.

His face became stony, like an anger that had been suppressed but was now coming out. Then, reading me like he had Tarot Cards, he said, "Cheating isn't my bag, it's yours. The only times I've ever had sex with anyone outside of our marriage was when you were present. I don't do the whole behind your back thing. I would NEVER do that to you because I respect you too much. NEVER!"

Too bad you don't respect me the same!

He didn't have to say the final part. It was all in his eyes, summarized into a glare. Anger. Hurt. Disgust.

Veronica, you're a liar, a cheater, and a hypocrite. Don't deal the cards if you can't play the game. Message received.

With that, he walked out, leaving me standing there with my mouth wide in shock. When I heard the slam of the front door moments later, I knew he was gone.

***

Martin had been gone a couple of hours. My bag was still packed at the door, and I wasn't sure what to do with it. Should I put it away, or put it in the trunk of my car? Were we still together, or was he rethinking forgiving me? Was he coming back?

He did come back, much to my relief. However, he didn't speak to me. He just avoided me all together and went to his office, where he stayed for the next few hours.

For the rest of the day, we existed in that awful silence. I tried to catch him so I could apologize for my awful behavior, but he was actively avoiding me. It wasn't until he was in bed that I was able to catch him.

"Babe, I'm sorry." I said as I laid down beside him. My voice was soft and humbled. "I shouldn't have..."

He was barely audible when he cut me off with, "You were right."

I stopped talking. I felt like my blood had frozen inside of my body. He looked away from me, like he was afraid to catch my eyes.

"I have been hiding something from you. Something big. And you're not gonna like it."

If only I was as strong as him. I wish I could've told him that it didn't matter what his secret was, and that I didn't need to know. If only I'd done that, I wouldn't have found out the awful truth about the man I thought I knew. I could've lived in blissful ignorance.