Mean Guys

I keep coming back here when you text me. Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, when my phone buzzes and you tell me that you want to fuck me, I'm ordering an Uber before I can even think it through.

I do have the whole car ride to think about it though. About whether you even like me, whether I'll always just be your fuck toi, or if one day you'll love me. Some days you fuck me so hard and aggressively that I'm covered in bruises and permanent marker when I leave in a daze. But some days I leave here feeling so close to you.

Laying in bed together and pouring my heart out in your arms... all my fears, my insecurities, my trauma. I tell you about my panic attacks and how my throat closes up and my chest tightens and I feel like I'm going to die. You were so loving, asking so many questions, really listening to my answers. I'd never felt so seen.

You open the door and walk away before you even greet me. Oh. It's going to be one of those fucks. You remove my clothes like it's a chore, like you're already bored with me. You're acting so cold... it's unsettling. Within minutes, with very little build up, I'm on all fours and you're pounding away at me.

"Hey Anna..."

Your voice was full of mirth. It unnerved me; it felt like rotten candy, sweet but full of poison.

"Have you ever wondered.... What if I don't actually like you? Did you ever think of that? What if you disgust me?"

I look back in shock, appalled that you would be so dismissive of my insecurities; that you would tease me with my trauma. I could already feel my eyes brimming with tears.

"What if no one likes you? What if everyone is miserable around you and no one has the heart to tell you?"

I try to stammer out an answer, but before I can respond, you keep hammering away, using all of my deepest fears... Why? Your voice is sweet and mocking, using a tone suited for telling a scary story to a child, exaggerating your words, lacing some of them with hate. I didn't know how to process this. Tears were streaming down my face, and I turned to tell you to please stop, but I couldn't form the words.

"Have you ever thought about what you would do if there was an earthquake right now? I mean, where would you even go? What about your family?"

I froze. Not understanding why he was doing this to me. He kept going. Digging his nails into me, pulling my hair. I barely felt it.

"What if there was a disaster? Nuclear war? You're not prepared for any of this. Everything would just collapse, Anna. What if everyone died?? Your dad sure is getting up there in years... How's he doing, Anna? Is he sick? I bet he's really lonely without you there to help him. He must be so disappointed."

I felt smaller and smaller as he continued his relentless assault on my psyche. I could feel myself sinking. Sobbing so hard that I couldn't catch my breath. You were brutally pounding my cunt while you watched me completely shut down and turn into a terrified little lonely child who just wants to be safe. I didn't have to turn around to know that you were smiling, I could hear it in your voice. You loved to watch me crumble.

And then your arms were around me.

Your body weight pinning me to the bed underneath you, breathing heavily in my ear, giving me little kisses, stroking my hair, fucking me in long, slow strokes. You held me so close to your chest in your strong arms, overwhelming me with warmth and love and... you just let me melt. My thoughts were dizzy, and I was trembling. Your hands were all over my body... gentle, loving me again, kissing my neck and all those sensitive areas on my shoulders that cover me in goosebumps. I let out a long sigh that came out as a moan, and I let my body respond to you when you started rubbing my clit, building me up. I could feel you straining to hold back.

Your soft, loving voice in my ear, whispering in the gentlest of Daddy voices when I started to cum, right before you finished inside me:

"Nobody loves you Anna, you're going to die and be completely forgotten about in a week. You're irrelevant and no one can stand you. I laugh about you with my friends."