All Comments on 'Melissa's First Time In The Dungeon'

Really good first effort, well done. Looking forward to reading more from you.

Thank you! I appreciate the feedback.

Please stick to one point of view. You keep going back and forth between first and third person. Staying in first person would let you show her emotions better.

I will take that into consideration for my next story, thank you for giving me feedback and reading my story!

Could have been a good story, but it was hard to read due to switches of person and major grammar errors. Grammar is there to make your text understandable, not just rules for the sake of it. Some are a little complex, but sentences are easy - they start with a capital letter, have to have a verb, and finish with a full stop or period. Try Grammarly to help you, and keep writing.

Who's telling the story? You , him, her, someone else? Pick one and continue.

I have downloaded Grammarly and will use it for my next story. Thank you for the feedback!

It was from her point of view but I can see why it is confusing. I will pick one for my next story, so keep an eye out!

Overall it’s a pretty good story, others have pointed out problems with the perspective of the story. I’m having problems trying to explain my opinion so I’ll just give it a shot, the narrative comes across as clunky. As in it doesn’t flow very well, add on to that the timeline errors and a character name mix up - the barista changed from Alex to Samuel at one point, it doesn’t sound very realistic.

She got a call about her new client on 31st January and met the client on 1st February, she had a very limited timeframe of 1 month to find and finalise a deal on a suitable property because they wanted to open their new club on Valentine’s Day……which is 14th February. After arranging the deal she’s invited to opening night she agrees saying great I’ll see you in 15 days? It seems unlikely that they’d get the relevant permits and licenses in only 14 days, surely no business would go ahead with the refurbishment until the legalities were done? The one month deadline dropped to 2 weeks and at dinner (on the 1st) she agreed to meet him in 15 days even by counting down 15 days from that evening would take her 15th February which according to the story is one day after the grand opening on the 14th.

For all that it took me a lot of rambling to get that across they are only minor problems and easily fixed. It definitely has potential as a storyline, after all you do have potential encounters pre set with the barista as well as the manager of the estate agent’s office.

Thanks for sharing, Tess (uk)

The description of Melissa is well addressed and I like the way she described the opening night of the “dungeon”. Sex clubs can be quite intimidating at first, at least in my experience. I think the opening of the “dungeon” was a great way of showcasing what a sex club theme could look like on Valentine’s Day. I’ll keep an eye out for your next story

It’s not bad but it needs to be in first person all the time. When you switch to “She did it’s not as effective, let her describe what happens to her and how she feels about it. Or give the male characters more substance and have a paragraph in their voice if you want to describe her from someone else’s point of view.

Good story line , To many things in writing that through off the consistency and really hindered my reading of it

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I am currently in the process of writing another story and will take all these comments into consideration!

Great start, believe there should been some tie down Stations in the dungeon. Maybe in the next chapter she can get used a little harder for everyone’s pleasure including his two brothers too..

Good concept. Terrible execution. The constant shifting between first and third person is terrible. There's a difference between "she" and "i." Too much real estate; not enough sex club. And the real estate is completely unrealistic. No deal could close that fast, even if they agreed on it the first day.