Messy Ch. 10

"We're infatuated with each other," I replied. "Hazard of having lots of great sex before getting to know one another."

"If this were about sex," Jessie said pointedly, "I'd have no interest. I can have an orgasm with anyone. I can make any guy cum. Halloween? You were the seventh guy I'd blown. Out of ten."

"So?"

"So yeah, we fuck each other really well. Its fun and its close and you get me off really hard on being a humiliation and pain slut, but sex is...replaceable. If I never fucked you again, I'd be fine fucking other people. But the thought of not walking along the river with you this summer hurts like hell."

I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. She was right. She was special to me, the way I was special to her. I'd go home and have lots of sex in the coming months with Tori and Sienna and probably other women too. But I'd miss drinking with Jessie. I'd miss walking around town with her and seeing her smile.

This wasn't just about sex, but I couldn't deny that my body had been chemically conditioned over the past days not to WANT her. We were both drunk on each other right now. No matter how much of a connection we had or thought we had, we were still drunk.

"So you want a long distance relationship?"

"Nah. I don't date. I want to continue living my life. Being free. I want to kick ass at these startups and build a life for myself. But I do want to see you again. Desperately want to see you again. And if the day should ever come where one of us doesn't hate the idea of being in a relationship...it'd be a real fucking shame if we didn't give this a shot."

"You really think you'd want to come home after work and see me, EVERY day?" I asked.

Jessie cocked her head, considering it. "Maybe someday. Would you want to see me?"

I thought about it. For the first time in a long time, I thought about a relationship. Domesticity that didn't involve multiple partners. Fitting someone else into my life. Watching Jessie age with me. Arguing with her. Sharing the stresses of my life with her. Sharing the joys of my life with her. I was selfish enough to admit that I liked my life the way it was right now, getting -mostly - the most enjoyable parts of relationships without -mostly- the ugliness that usually came with. I wondered if that made me immature. Or an asshole. But at the same time, the was a gnawing, niggling poke in my brain that said I wouldn't always be like this. "I don't know. Not right now."

"Can we leave it on the table. Leave that door open just a crack. I..." Jessie swallowed, hard, fought to maintain her composure. "I didn't realize how much I like being with you."

Once again, I felt like I was standing on the banks of the Rubicon, army behind me, Rome, glory, and a death sentence ahead of me. Take a step, your life changes forever. "We can leave it open a crack. With the knowledge that nothing is happening soon, and no obligations on either of us in the future."

"Ok." Jessie sighed. "Ok."

I looked down at the slim girl mounded in blankets. "C'mon in. Its cold out."

We left the grill burning on the roof and headed back to the apartment. Jessie was cold against me when we returned to bed, and I pulled her close, wrapping her in my arms and sharing my body heat. She snuggled her head into the crook of my shoulder and sighed several times before looking up and giving me a gentle kiss. "Good night, Gary."

"Good night, Jessie."

When I woke in the morning she was gone. No note, no goodbye before letting herself out to go to work. Just an absence.

As suddenly as it had started, my weekend with Jessie was over.

I dressed, locked the apartment behind me, backed my SUV out of the repair bay and onto the street. After pulling the garage door down with a clatter and locking it, I stared up at the brick building for a long time. The click of the lock felt like punctuation, a period or a semicolon I couldn't tell. I wasn't sure if it was for the weekend or this relationship either.

I got in my vehicle and set the GPS for Minneapolis. There was a long drive ahead of me and I wanted to stop by the school clinic for an STD test before I set for in my apartment.

I took one last glance at the old, decrepit building before I pulled away. In a few hours, Jessie would be there again.

And I wouldn't be.

My fist burned from the impact against the steering wheel. "DAMMIT!"