Michael - His life

Jan threw her coat off and tossed her purse on her desk and clutching the plastic bag with the purchases she pulled me to the woman's washroom. She hurriedly unwrapped one and pushed it at me. I looked at it as if were a hand grenade. In a sense it was. Depending on the outcome it would permanently alter my life and Michaels.

Jan stood there with the pregnancy test holding it out to me. I looked at for what seemed an eternity, it was only a few seconds. That was all it took for my vision to narrow and feel dizzy. I ran for the sink and threw up, again.

Jan grabbed some paper toweling and got it wet and put it in front of me. I washed out my mouth with some water and wiped my face. She pushed the little piece of white plastic at me, again, and said "Okay, go pee on this. If you are pregnant you need to know sooner than later. If you're not pregnant you might want to see a doctor anyway to see about the nausea and why you're throwing up."

Jan opened the door to the toilet stall and looked at me. I slowly walked in, feeling like I was walking to some unknown fate. Maybe I was. Peeing on a piece of plastic is sort of gross. But I hiked up my skirt, pulled down my thong sat on the toilet seat and after a few seconds started to pee. I pushed the end of the stick into the stream of pee and held it there until I was done. A hand came under the door, waving to take the little piece of white plastic. I handed it to Jan and then rolled off a wad of toilet paper to wipe. Slowly I stood, pulled up my underwear pulled down my skirt and smoothed the fabric. I opened the door and stepped out to see Jan holding the stick.

"I haven't looked at it, you need to be the first to do that. I can leave you alone if you want privacy?"

I was still in the early stages of shock, just thinking that there was a possibility that I was pregnant. To actually be pregnant was going to be another matter altogether. Jan put the test sick back in the box without looking to see if there were two blue stripes on it. One stripe -- not pregnant, no worries. Two stripes -- life changes, completely and forever. Maybe. I walked, on very shaky legs back to my office and closed the door. A million things went through my mind is a confusing jumble of random things. Without even realizing it I went to 'damage-control' mode. That was the lawyer in my thinking. I needed options. Oh, Jesus. The first thing I had to do was actually look at the damn piece of white plastic. I sat in my chair and with very shaky hands opened the box and dumped the thing out on my desk. Jan had wrapped it in a tissue so I couldn't see what the result was. My hand was shaking so badly that I had to sit and breathe for a few seconds to calm down. 'You can do this. You can manage this. You're a big girl and you have resources to do this,' I thought. I took the tissue off the test kit and turned it right side up and looked at it.

Two blue stripes.

************

Michael

I love the English countryside. Everything is green and lush most of the year. Even driving on the left side of the road isn't a problem for me now; I've been here enough that it doesn't bother me. I just have to remember when I get to the first roundabout to keep left so that I don't cause a massive accident. The food and beer are first rate in my estimation and even though I rarely get time to enjoy it, the little time I do have, I try not to waste.

This trip was busy and I was putting in long days. We were closing in on a network of nasty buggers that were operating to the north of London. We had tracked them to a warehouse not that far from Heathrow airport and so the British police were working hard to do surveillance and see who comes and goes from the place. Being close to Heathrow gave them the ability to get things brought in and also to get things and people out of the country fairly easily. There were lots of dodgy sorts working at the airport so it was not a big problem to get things in and out of the country without being observed by British Customs control. The grease that lubricated the whole thing was money.

I've been here almost three weeks now and I must say that I'm missing home. I'm tired of living out of hotel rooms and I actually miss my wife. You're amazed that I said that aren't you? Well, notwithstanding my earlier tryst with Rebecca, I do actually love my wife. I enjoy spending time with her and right now I'm missing her. We had talked about starting a family a few times and the most recent talk was while we were at the ski resort in Colorado.

Amanda is a class act. She is smart, elegant, mannered, thoughtful, beautiful and a whole bunch more adjectives that I could use to describe her. It was a lucky thing for me to have met her at Columbia University that summer. That chance meeting did change my life, or at least a big part of it. But now my life was so much more complicated than it had been when I was just an Army officer, with a clear mission and well-defined set of orders that spelled out what the end product of my work was to look like.

Now, things were very different. The agency was more fluid in terms of what I did and where I did it and for how long. Success was not defined in clear terms but by smaller measures that are reflected in a shaky and constantly moving definition of national security. National security was anything that government defined it to be. The national security of the U.S. was tightly linked to the national security of many other nations, thus the reason that I was away from home so much.

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this pace going. I'm probably going to need a break from this, and I can see the day that I give this up altogether. If I have a family, with children, to worry about that will be a big factor to be taken into the mix of factors that determine when I give this job a rest. Right now, that wasn't going to happen. I had to be clear-headed and keep my target in mind. This current mission was important as it would lead us to further targets in a region that is very difficult to navigate.

***********

Rebecca

Michael has been back for some time now and our mission to track the terrorist cell operating north of London was going well. He and I continue to work together and indeed my time with him is both professionally and personally fulfilling. It took about two weeks after Michael got back for him and I to end up in my bed. Now, that's not a lot of time, you may think. But for me it was too long. You see Michael is the sort of man that notwithstanding his strong sexual needs, is also a man with some scruples. I know that he knows, full well, what his wife is doing when he is away. Oh, don't imagine that she is ridiculous and is openly poking her infidelity in his face. Quite the opposite. She works very hard to separate Michael from the other men in her life. She is practical that way and takes care not to ever allow the two worlds that she occupies to meet. Not easy.

Me, well, I'm not that conflicted. I had my husband served with divorce papers while he is away in Africa working with MSF. His nurse girlfriend is pregnant with his child and while I suppose that by itself is not earth-shattering in the great spectrum of life events, it was for me the sign that our shaky marriage had suffered the final death-knell. It was high time that we called it a day and go on with our lives. He was in love with the nurse and I was out of love with him. He's a good man, just not the man that I want, and I'm not the woman that he wants for a wife. Really simple from my perspective. Divorce was an obvious outcome for us. I emotionally moved on some time ago and I know that he did as well. I truly wish him well and hope that he and his new family are happy.

Right now my life was simple. I take my profession very seriously and I was taking my time with Michael also very seriously. I wanted him in my bed. It was simple. I was deeply attracted to this man. He was, first and foremost, a warrior. He had the ability to focus with laser accuracy on his mission and was not distracted by peripheral issues. I suppose that is why his dolt of a wife was able to hide her infidelity. I called her a 'dolt' because she is foolish enough to take a lover when her husband is not around. If Michael were my husband, that wouldn't happen.

Right now, Michael and I are just colleagues with benefits. I must watch carefully what the 'dolt' does in the coming months before I make my play for him. If she is as clueless as I think it will not be a problem in sending her packing and then the man will be mine. He drives me wild when he looks at me. I get wet just thinking about his touch.

You may think me callous and hard, but I know what I want. I want Michael. I have a plan to let him see what kind of woman the 'dolt' is and then he can decide for himself what he wants to do. I'm a good judge of character and I know that his pride and self-esteem will not let him accept a wife that is doing what she is doing. Not if they want to be together for the long-haul. Amanda is not the sort to want to raise children, bake cookies and look after the home. No, that isn't her speed at all. She's gotten a taste of the power and prestige that being a corporate attorney can give you and she loves the perks that come with the career. Money is never an issue for American law firms. They seem to float in the stuff. She makes an excellent salary and loves to spend it at the same time. Her ego is being fed every day and she loves the taste. Having a lover on the side is like cream for the cat.

***********

Michael

My brother called me today. One of my cellphones was buzzing in my briefcase. It buzzed for a while before I realized that my flip phone was making noise. I had given that number to only a very few people: Amanda, some family that included my big brother, Dad and Mom, and a couple of others. When I looked at it the phone had stopped buzzing which meant that it had gone to voicemail. I put the phone in my pocket and checked it a while later. Normally my brother and I catch up with each other when I'm home, so I was curious to see his number and name show on the screen of the phone. I immediately thought that something must have happened to someone and that he was calling to tell me the bad news.

I flipped the phone open and said hello, "Chuck, what's up?" His tone was cheerful, so I knew right away that nobody was dead. That was a good thing.

"Hey, little brother. I'm calling to give you a SITREP. That's what you Army knobs call it, right?"

"Yup, that's what they call it. Send, over."

"Okay, that's all the Army-talk that I know so I'm gonna speak English so that you understand what I want to pass along."

"You have my undivided attention, brother."

"Okay, I'm actually calling with some good news for you. Your investment portfolio has been doing well over the last year and you've made a lot of money. That $4 Million that you started the year with is now at $9 Million."

"What the fuck! Did you rob a bank?"

"Dude, I'm very good at what I do. You're getting rich. Not as rich as me, mind you but you're doing very good."

My mind was swirling a bit at that awesome news. " Wow! I don't know what to say, other than 'thank you very much, Chuck. I mean, it's hard to contemplate that kind of money in my bank account."

Chuck laughed again, "Hold on now, the money is not sitting in your bank account yet. I have it almost all invested in the market working to make you even richer."

My mind was in high gear now and I had a plan forming to make sure that I could guarantee that I would have a source of money to fall-back on if I needed it. "Chuck, you're a fucking genius. I gotta go, but I want to talk to you later about some things that I want to do with a bit of that money, and I want your input before I make any decisions. Is that good for you?"

"Hey, it's your money Mike, you can do what you want with it. Talk later."

With that, my brother closed off the call and left me to ponder the news that my investments had done spectacularly well. So good, in fact, that I needed to think about what I wanted to do with that money. I knew, right off, that I wanted to protect some of it. I wanted a secure nest-egg to use if I made a change of employment. Realistically, I knew that I couldn't do this job for many more years without there being very personal consequences, not just for me, but for those that I was close to.

I needed a plan.

************

Amanda

Ugh! This morning sickness thing is wearing very thin. I can't even smell coffee without needing to throw up. Breakfast is not appealing at all. This morning all I could eat was some yoghurt. Fuck! It's been two days since I peed on that pregnancy test. I peed on four more testers since then hoping that it was a faulty test. No such luck. They all came up with two stripes. Shit! I had to call Michael and tell him to come home. I wanted to tell him the news in person and see his reaction. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't know about what I do when we're apart. At least I, and I planned to keep it that way. The last thing I wanted was to have him find out and divorce me.

The thought that keeps running through my brain is 'what the fuck are you doing, Amanda?' I thought that I was mature and sophisticated enough to be able to manage a husband and a part-time lover on the the side. I have needs. I need more than Michael can give me right now. I need the feel of a man next to me and inside me.

Michael is the perfect man for me. The problem is that he's not here all the time. I wish he were. I wish he didn't have that damn job in Washington. I wish he was the one in my bed every night. But fuck, he's away more than he's at home. What am I supposed to do? I can't go for weeks at a time without my husband. My body craves the attention of a man. Without it, I can't function. The longer I go without having that itch scratched, the more desperate I get. The more I must do something. That's why I have a lover. That's why I'm having sex with Jake. We get together once a week for a few hours. At the end we both leave happier and ready to get on with life. It's no one's business but mine. Michael will never know about this.

But right now I have a bigger issue. I need to tell my husband that I'm pregnant. I need him here.

*************

Michael

God almighty! This mission is getting boring. We've had these nasty fuckers staked-out now for months. Watching and listening to them. Monitoring where they go and who they meet. They're smart and careful about what they do and who they do it with. But in the long run, we're smarter. We have the resources and technology to get them, but there are laws in this country, and we have to follow the law. To do otherwise would see a terror group go free and then there would be hell to pay.

I need sleep, a hot shower, a good meal and a long run to clear my head. I make sure that I call my wife at least every other day. The last call was a bit weird. She was 'off.' Not sure just how 'off,' but not her normal self. She was distracted on the phone. It was clear that she wasn't listening to what I was saying. We didn't talk long but she did ask me when I was coming home. I realized that was her main issue; when was I coming home. Something was going on. I needed to be there and find out what it was.

My problem right at the moment was getting out of London. My bosses back home were not keen for me to leave London and come home unless it was a dire emergency. Since I didn't know what was waiting for me when I got home trying to convince them that I needed to get home for a bit of time was a challenge. Reluctantly they agreed that I could take the weekend away and the Monday and Tuesday to come home and see Amanda.

Rebecca was very quiet as I explained to her that I was going to leave London for a few days to head home. She merely nodded to me to show her recognition that I had a home life, even if that home life was very limited.

I grabbed my bag and got a taxi to Heathrow.

**********

Rebecca

I could see the pained expression on Michaels face as he was telling us that he needed to go home to Washington or New York for a few days. He merely said that he needed to go home and see his wife. I figured that things might be about to boil over with her. I knew that she had a lover on the side. Her ability to be faithful to her husband was trashed before she even married him. I had been getting reports from our agents in New York that confirmed what I knew; Amanda was having a sexual relationship with another lawyer in the firm where she worked.

I decided early on that I would keep my knowledge of Amanda's extra-curricular sex to myself. I was almost certain that Michael knew full well what his wife was doing. If he didn't, it would become well known soon enough. Eventually these sorts of things are revealed. I knew from my own marriage that people are not able hide what they are doing for long. My own husband was having sex with one of the nurses that he worked with at MSF in Africa. She was pregnant with their child and so we divorced. I'm a realist, if nothing else. A life in military and the national security service has taught me many lessons. The main one being to keep my eyes and ears open and watch what is going on around me. I understand people. I understand what drives them to do what they do. I'm not a psychologist but I understand human nature.

I also understand Michael. He's a very strong man. Both physically and morally. He understands many of the same things that I do, and he is very driven when it comes to what he believes. Not to say that he is willing to allow his wife to openly fuck around on him, but he knows that his wife is a very driven woman, that has needs and is not about to deny herself what she wants.

Michaels self-discipline is amazing to watch. He's very controlled. But he does surprise me from time-to-time. The small number of times that I was able to coax him to my bed told me that he was also extremely passionate. He could be both forceful and loving. He was the man that I wanted. I just had to bide my time and I knew that Amanda would fuck things up; and I would be there for Michael. I'm very patient.

*********

Amanda

I just got a text from Michael: ' On the red-eye to NYC tonight. See you tomorrow.'

Me: 'Excellent, really looking forward to you being home. Safe flight. Love you!'

Jake had handed me my iPhone when he saw that I had a message. We were in the hotel and had just finished our weekly get-together. He was always nice to be with. He was a man that understood my needs and was able to always attend to what it was that made me happy. It wasn't like he was trying to replace Michael, no, he knew that he wasn't going to do that. He didn't want to do that. He had his own life and family and wanted to make sure that he kept them always first and foremost. Jake was a realist that understood our relationship just the same as I did. That's what made sex with him so good. It was truly just sex. It was just the physical act of orgasm. It was just the feel of a man next to me and inside me.

You're wondering why, now that I know that I'm pregnant, that I'm still having sex with Jake. Well, I wish I had a good answer for that question, but I don't. It's complex and simple at the same time. I'm not a slut. I'm a woman with complex needs and a psychology that drives me to get what I want. I understand power and I understand what drives people to do what they do. I need sex on a regular basis in order to feel fulfilled. It validates me as a woman. The ability to decide who I have sex with validates my authority over my body and my environment. Weird, I know.

I wanted to feel Michael next to me every day. But circumstances and life dictated something different. I wish it were not so. I wanted my husband next to me. I wanted my husband in my bed, our bed, every night and to wake up next to him every morning. God, how I wish I were able to control the urges that drove me to do what I do. But I can't.