Miggie 01

Miggie 01

"Well, who is the stupid head now, Tanner, hmm?"

"You, Miggie, it's still you, you're the stupid head!"

"Oh, well, who is the knucklehead now then, hmm?"

"Again, you, Miggie, you're the knucklehead who is a stupid head half of the time, so?"

I mean, meh, who is going to believe that gearhead anyways, especially when, um, um, especially when it's a known fact that he is stupid knucklehead.

And never mind that my head is currently in between hair styles with a "no man's land" cut because it happens to everyone who decides to go from short and spunky to something longer. It might be a little funky right now, but it will come within a couple of months.

"So, stupid knucklehead, Miggie, what are the new rules now, hmm?"

"Um, do more research for an in between hair style before winging it, um, check!"

"OMFG!"

"Fine, step bro, no more riding my bike the 8 blocks to your place on gearhead garage night while your gearhead buds are here, check! But if my legs get out of shape because of a lack of biking exercise, then that's on you, check, check!"

"Oh, and without the sugar coating then, Miggie????"

"Fine, no more riding my bike the 8 blocks to your place on gearhead garage night while your gearhead buds are here and while only wearing bike shorts, but if the bike shorts industry goes out of business, then that's on you too, step bro, check, check, check!"

"I think the industry will survive because it's your normal to wear something else over those damn little stretchy things anyways, so, new rule #2 then, Miggie????"

"Oh, see, that's why you're the stupid head, Tanner, because you think it's okay to skip right over the next rule, rule #1A, which might be the death of you because your gearhead bud, Skippy, didn't seem to mind my body in just bike shorts and just to kill you right now, he texted me and asked if I would show up in your garage next time with a pizza strapped to the back of my bike, check, check, check, check!"

Oh, my step bro passed out! And my 5-speed bike doesn't have a rear carrier bar anyways. But that doesn't mean I can't order the gearheads a pizza, right? Especially since, whew, that was just an experiment that evening and the lab results were risqué at best! I mean, even pedaling at a decent speed clip up the sidewalks, it was still 8 blocks of riding risqué! And, tee he, a bucket list item, check, check, check, check, check!

[The Pizza Shop front door chime jingle, jangle]

"Well, well, well, look who the wind blew in because you're lighter than air! It's little Wiggy Miggy, who has created such a fuss among the gearheads in their tinkering garages just in front of the big car show!"

"Suzie, shut it because..."

"Oh, because, Miggie, my precious boyfriend, Jimmy J, still rides his bike for exercise, but I promise you that there will be no riding buddy system exercise rides between you and my faithful, yet very cucked, boyfriend, Jimmy J and that's that, Wiggy Miggie!"

"Suzie, Jimmy J rides a dirt bike for fun, so, shut it again because..."

"Oh, oh, because now, every gearhead tinkering garage in town keeps asking if the Pizza Shop offers bicycle delivery like they do in New York City since you flashed your Lycra covered booty around at your step brother's garage! And by the way, Miggie, you do realize that you put your step bro in a very awkward position, right? All men have eyes and their stupid headed man brain forces them to laser focus on a tight booty!"

Well, I mean, maybe I didn't think that part through very well, but Tanner has always seemed to handle things, um, ooh, oh, snap!

"OMG, Suzie, can we focus on why I'm here for a moment, hmm? And, and, and, this only sounds a little bit like what they do in New York City, but listen..."

Anyways, folks, I think I can carry a plastic bag on my handlebars if the pizza slices are individually package in those triangular "to go" pizza slice boxes, right? I mean, the plastic bag might be large, but it's just an 8 blocks bike ride, so, right?

And by the way, my peeps, I did not flash my Lycra covered booty around! All I did was to wear Lycra bike shorts and it's not my fault how they form fit a booty. Oh, and once, just once.

"Miggie, wait a minute, knucklehead, let me get this stupid headed story straight. You're going to drive your truck up here to the Pizza Shop to pick up a "to go" bag of individual, yet double packed triangular pizza slice boxes, and then drive your truck back to your place and then switch over to your 5-speed bike and then dangle the plastic carrying bag over your bike's handlebars for the 8 blocks bike ride up the street to your step bro's place, hmm, is that your stupid headed plan, hmm?

Well, maybe it sounded better in my head, so, so, what?

But there's always a plan B, am I right?

"Oh, well then, because that's so much better, if you think like a knucklehead, but trust me, Miggie, there is absolutely no way that I'm going to allow my precious boyfriend, Jimmy J, to deliver the prepackaged "to go" carrying bag to your place, so you can launch your idiotic stupid headed plan B from there while on your bike! And I say that less out of fear you relieving my almost 2 years cucked boyfriend's sexual needs, but more because he might be tempted to veer left and accidently end up in the parking lot of the "Peep & Pull" adult bookstore, again, and I have to be the only mildly sexually active person in our committed relationship, so, what's plan C, hmm?"

I mean, yeah, right because Jimmy J has a personalized parking spot and all, so, I mean, yeah, right.

"Anyways, there's nothing that you can do or say to me to make me change my mind, Miggie, even though your cockamamie idea would probably set the hook of the fish that you're trying to lure in with your Lycra covered fishing bait from your step brother's gearhead tinkering garage, so?"

Wait a minute, folks! I am not a fisherman nor was I trying to hook a fish named Skippy. I mean, maybe I was fishing for body (and booty) compliments, but that's all.

"Oh, then I'll order the specially packaged pizza and you can text me when Jimmy J is on..."

"Ahem, Timmy! When Timmy is on the road!"

Well, that ruined things. That little freak just, just, just, ugh, ruins the moment! And his shoes. And the shoes of every Tranny in Middleton.

But whatever, I guess because as I just said, I wasn't interested in Skippy in particular or any of the other stupid head gearheads as much as I was in a couple of bucket list compliments of my bucket. That's over, there is nothing I can say or do, the end.

[The Pizza Shop front door chime jingle, jangle]

"Delivery for Suzie, is there a Suzie here at the Pizza Shop? Oh, never mind because what I'm delivering is meant for you, so, enjoy."

[Drops off a little red bag from The Little Red Bag Shop just up the Strip]

"What the hell..."

[Weep, an unknown incoming text]

"Congratulations! Follow the attached link for details!"

"What the hell..."

[Clicks on the link]

"You have been selected as the center cage amateur Go-Go Dancer at Hilda's Hide Away Strip Club for this Saturday's after-hours rich people under 30 car club party starting at midnight after the car show closes. Arm candy boyfriends are discouraged, topless cage dancing is optional, but big swinging and swaying hips are mandatory."

"You little SOB!"

[Inspects the contents of the little red bag and sighs an ooh la, la]

"Well, maybe my Jimmy J needs to be busy anyways, so, so, so, I mean, I need pumps!"

[The Pizza Shop front door chime jingle, jangle]

"Delivery for Suzie, is there a Suzie here at the Pizza Shop? Oh, never mind because what I'm delivering is meant for you, so, enjoy."

[Drops off a larger bag from the Street Worker Pumps Shop just down the Strip]

Hey, I was just surfing the web and came across the ad that called for amateur Go-Go cage dancers for the rich under 30 car buffs after-hours party and then I dozed off and then my smaller than it should be forehead hit a couple of buttons on my keyboard and then attached a photo, so, I'm innocent.

Oh, what did I get out of that, you ask? Ta da, a carefully packed bag of double packed triangular pizza slice boxes in a plastic bag, delivered to my place, so then I could bike the bag down to my step bro's garage without involving my truck! And yeah, yeah, yeah, it's still a stupid headed gimmick idea.

"Oh, I mean, I mean, I mean..."

"Oh, I get it Jimmy J. If Suzie calls looking for you because you're running late, I mean, there was a flat tire and an old lady who needed help getting the street and there a big traffic mess because a private jet had to make an emergency landing on the north end of the Strip and I mean, I mean, I mean, are these short shorts too short on me, hmm? I've been banned from not wearing over shorts while riding my bike these days, so?"

"Oh, my visit to the "Peep & Pull" backroom peeping booths just got a head start! And by the way, I mean, Suzie is leaving work early tomorrow night to wash her hair or something, so..."

Nope!

"Jimmy J, stop with that, but I'll be your excuse any time to get you into the adult bookstore because it's still a man's world and if anyone in a sexless relationship should be mildly sexually active, it should be the guy, even though, tee he, it's by his own hand!"

"OMG, finally, someone understands the way things work! I mean, Miggie, we should share a little necking and groping, tee he, to celebrate that!"

"OMG, horny men, Jimmy J, just go get busy with getting busy! But just long is the average, um, never mind, Jimmy J, but listen, the car show theme tomorrow at Hilda's Hideaway Strip Club is "our dancers are as old as the old hot rods" tee he, so stay away from there tomorrow night!"

"OMFG, Miggie, did you have to put that image in my head!"

Well, I guess that's another thing I didn't think all the way through, but I'm sure it worked.

"Pizza, hot bicycle pizza, guys! Two slices per container! Get it while it's still mildly warm from a conversation that lasted longer than I expected, get while I'm hot, I mean, while it's warm."

Note to readers, a large and full plastic bag dangling from the left side of the handlebars really upsets the balance of the bike. The end.

"(You're impossible, Miggie!)"

"(I'm wearing Denim shorts, Tanner!)"

"(OMFG, you're wearing the patch piece from pre-cut out jeans!)"

Well, maybe they are exactly the same, I don't know.

"Eat up, guys, so you have full bellies for the pre car show tire squealing that starts soon on the Strip, right? It's after 9pm, so, that's when things get hot and hopping, right, guys?"

Huh, so, guys who eat don't say much then, hmm? They just stare and munch.

Until you get a cockamamie headed idea to grab a wrench from the work bench because you're bored!

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, knucklehead! Put the wrench down and take two steps back, Miggie!"

Well, I just wanted a pre car show gimmick for the back pocket of my smaller than the wrench shorts.

"Bye, guys, I'm biking up to the Strip now, so, don't be too late."

See, folks? I didn't flirt with any of them. But [huff, puff], I wish I had bought a 10-speed bike.

"(Beep, beep, squeal) Mickey? Is that you pumping those pedals?"

"[Huff, puff, stop] oh, hey, Cramer, um, it's Miggie, okay?"

"Oh, that's okay with me, Miggie. I mean, are you exercising or pedaling for a date? And both is an acceptable answer, Miggie, so?"

Huh, I never thought about it that way.

"[Breathing normal] neither, Cramer, I'm just finishing off causing a pre car show fuss among the hot rod tinkering garages, that's all, so?"

"That's you? You trended a few days ago for that, I mean, my garage is only covered in dust about ankle deep, Miggie, so?"

Huh, I never thought about that either since my step bro, Tanner, keeps his garage so clean, so, that was actually good information, right? I mean, I can hear it now, "how do you expect me to let you go balls deep in me when the dirt in your garage is past my ankle", right?

"(Beep, beep, photo snap) hey, hold that bicycle center bar straddling pose and highlight balancing on the balls of your feet [photo snap] and hold [photo snap]."

Oh, that wasn't a pose, that's the length of my legs.

"Damn, twist a little and show that wrench in your back pocket [photo snap, photo snap]."

Well, I did do that, but only like a half of a twist.

"Excuse me, do we know each other, hmm?"

"[Photo snap, photo snap] probably not, but I'm Jim and I post candid Tranny photos on Chang, you know, for the straight8 guys who have free time at home when the wife or the girlfriend goes to sleep early [photo snap, photo snap]."

Oh, rule #1, um, the real rule #1, not my step bros rule #1 from above is to never get into a running car with a guy and rule #2 is to not fall for "I'm a photographer, so it's okay to show me something" and that's clearly stated on page 3 of the playbook!

"Well, I wish my kneecaps looked different when I stretch my legs so straight, but I like them when I sit down with a knee curled or bent under me, so?"

"[Photo snap, photo snap] I'll smooth your knee caps out [photo snap] later, hump down on the cross bar [photo snap]."

Oh, oh, I'm sure that's against the real rule #4! So, nope!

"[Photo snap, photo snap] damn, that's perfect, but don't hurt yourself [photo snap], bite the tip of your index finger towards the left side of your mouth [photo snap]."

So, are candid photos and instructional photo poses exactly the same, hmm? I mean, not according to rule #7 in the playbook!

"[Photo snap, photo snap] I'll have you Tranny Trending on the Strip by 10:30pm tonight [photo snap], what's your name before you give me a booty shot while riding away from my camera, huh [photo snap]? And highlight that wrench in your back pocket as you ride off with a big booty push over the bike seat [photo snap]."

Oh, I'll write that rule myself! Well, maybe it will be more of a guideline on how to give your booty a big push out over a bike seat or something while highlighting the long tool sticking out of your butt! Wait, sticking out of your back pocket!

"I mean, Jim the possible photographer, I'm Miggie and you're not trying to hustle me then, hmm? I should just pedal away and go about my business then, hmm? I'm starting to get used to being hit on, you know, so?"

"[Photo snap, photo snap] no hustle, yet, Miggie [photo snap], but run your finger under the cuff of your short shorts until you ride away and by the way..."

Correction! That's the rule that I will write myself! Especially while wearing such ridiculously short shorts!

"[Photo snap, photo snap] damn, that's hot, Miggie [photo snap], but I'm almost 95% straight8 except for the occasional reviewing of end result photographs [photo snap], but listen..."

Hmm, I suppose that Jim the photographer reviews his end result photographs with his model subjects sitting on his lap, right? That's actually legit and written in bold in the playbook, so.

"[Photo snap, photo snap] but listen, Miggie, for the actual car show tomorrow [photo snap], I mean, how do you feel about being Gwen, the hot Tranny who bikes up and down the Strip pedaling boxes of pizza from the back of a bike [photo snap, photo snap], huh?"

Well, snap! That's legit too since that's an anime feature already and anime Gwen has hair that I could grow into! But I already said that my 5-speed bike is not that kind of bike since there are no rear bars for carrying stuff.

[Wrench wiggle, wrench wiggle, sort of like a music thingy, swinging back and forth, wrench wiggle]

"(Beep, beep) check Chang later, Miggie and enter the code "24Strip" for a full download [photo snap] of these photos, now, give my camera the sideways slanted middle finger and a big and sexy smirk, baby [photo snap, photo snap, photo snap]."

Well, that's in the pictorial section of the playbook, so.

[Squeal, squeal, squeal, a pre car show peel out and quick drag race from the Elm Street traffic light]

"Oh, this is just perfect then, Mickey! Just stand there, straddling the cross bar of your 5-speed bike with your legs in a spread "V" position while mindlessly swirling your finger under the hemline of your shorts cuffs and while gazing off at the speeding hot rods! Why don't you just gently bite the other finger tip while smirking at me to guarantee that I pass out!"

Well, I had been taking directions all evening, so, ask and you shall receive! And they all pass out anyways, so. Oh, that was Kevin. An old schoolmate. And I reminded him after he woke up from being passed out to call me Miggie.

[Squeal, squeal, peel, a pre car show peel out and quick drag race from the Elm Street traffic light]

"Bitch!"

"Asshole!"

"Tee he."

"Tee he, hey, Bert, how's it going, hmm?"

"Oh, you know, Miggie, just breathing in bad air tire smoke and thinking back if we're really tied or not, you know, the usual, so?"

"Shush! We're tied and I say that because first, we were tied in my favor, but then, oh boy, we were tied again, but in your favor, so, it washes out to an endless tie!"

Tee he, my old friend, Bert, right? He's pretty cool and such a nerd, well, he was such a nerd, but he had the funniest mom because his mom, tee he, she always insisted that I wear full PJ's buttoned up to here during our early days of sleepovers, tee he. But then, tee he, she would back hand slip me a tube of her old lip stick, tee he, because everybody knows that sleeping in a sleeping bag with red lips is the best way to sleep!

But that's all that happened. Back then. Which doesn't include when our tie slipped somewhat into Bert's favor, which happened when we of age, the end.

"Well, do you want to level out the tie tonight, Miggie, huh?"

Stupid headed challenges! Oh, sorry.

"Bert, are you being a stupid head by challenging me to level up our endless tie, hmm?"

"Oh, and I'm adding a switchback flip twist because if we make out in the alley access walkway for two minutes before we get busy, then I'll spend one minute minimum twirling and swirling my fingers under the cuffs of your short shorts and since they are so short, I mean, that should qualify you as an official Trap and I've always known that you're absolutely dying, dying, dying inside to be tagged as a Trap because you frown up being thought of as a Tranny and because you've been transitioning before transitioning was even a thing or even a word, so, Miggie?"

Oh, I mean, I haven't been transitioning for that long, but I may or may not have worn shorts to school and took a wide scarf with me on the bus so I could wrap it around my waist and hide my shorts so I looked like the other girls in skirts on the bus, I mean, that may or may not have happened a couple of times.

"Oh, Bert, I mean, I mean, I mean, I think this where I'm supposed to make a gulping sound, so (gulp)."

"No, Miggie, this is where I think you should actually gulp to make a gulping sound, so?"

"(Gulp)."

"And, and, and, I'll let you use my new e-bike tomorrow to quietly cruise up and down the Strip in modern style and the battery will be charged up as I am right now, Miggie Might, Miggie Should, so?"

"(Gulp) Bert, I mean, um, does your e-bike have a carrying bar thingy behind the seat, hmm? Like large enough to hold some pizza boxes, hmm?"

Well, it's still a tie. And trust me, it's a point against you if you want to be my next boyfriend because now, touching goes both ways! But it's still a tie in your favor even if you only nervously touch me with a finger for a minute and I touch you with my lips for as long as it takes because I play fair.

Gulp.

End Miggie 01