Mike & Savy Ch. 07

"Hey Mike, you need a hand with anything?"

"Oh, uh... no, I'm good."

He chuckled. "Yeah, you work at NASA, I'm sure a door's probably the easiest part of your day."

"Eh, yeah... I guess."

"So what exactly do you do there, anyway?"

"I'm in the Science Directorate... uh, data analysis stuff."

I was trying to get a screwdriver in between the door and its track when I slipped and tore skin off my knuckle.

"Ah fuck!"

"Hey, careful man."

I grumbled, "Yeah..."

A minute later, Savy came into the hall. "Hey, what're you guys up to?"

I kept my head buried in the door, trying to get the damn thing unstuck.

Josh answered, "Just talkin' with Mike. How's the turkey look?"

Savy looked down at me and then at Josh. "Come take a look." She took his hand and pulled him towards the kitchen.

I sighed and knocked my head against the wall.

I had gotten the door apart and fixed the slider when mom came into the hall. She bent down next to me and squeezed my shoulder.

"You're a good brother, Mike. Dinner's in 30."

"Okay."

I finished putting the door back on the track and went upstairs to clean up my hand and put on a nicer shirt. When I came back down, Savy was setting the table for the four of us. I opened a bottle of wine and poured four glasses. Mom called me into the kitchen and I carried the turkey out to the table.

After we took our seats, mom took my hand and squeezed it. We weren't particularly religious, but she bowed her head and out of respect, so did I.

She simply said, "Thank you for both of my babies being here for Thanksgiving this year. And welcome, Josh, to our home."

I carved the bird while mom started passing around side dishes. When we all had our plates full, we dug in. Mom, Savy, and Josh were quite talkative. I wasn't exactly feeling chatty, but I answered any questions directed my way and did my best to keep a pleasant face. She's happy. Be happy for her.

After dinner, I helped mom clear the table and wash dishes, while Savy and Josh sat on the sofa watching TV. When we were finished in the kitchen, we joined them in the living room. I lounged on the floor and did my best to doze off. A few hours later and we had pie, which helped me doze off even more quickly.

Eventually, I got up and said good night. Before I left the room, mom asked me if I'd bring down some sheets for Josh. I guess he'd be sleeping on the sofa. I don't know if mom did that because she was just a bit old fashioned or for me, but it was what it was.

After I came back down with the sheets, I gave mom a hug and waved at Savy and Josh before saying good night again. Savy bounced off of the sofa and hugged me, saying good night. I could see mom smiling.

I could feel my heart pounding, but I resisted the urge to throw my arms around her and never let go. I gave her a light hug and went upstairs.

I laid in bed in my dark room.

This was the first time we were both back at the house since Thanksgiving two years ago. The memory surged through me. Mom telling us. Sitting and watching the clock. Making it upstairs and seeing Savy's ring on my bed. Driving away. Every time I started to be able to drift off, my mind would suddenly focus on one question.

What if I had stayed?

One impulsive, emotional decision and my life was forever changed.

Eventually exhaustion took hold and I lost consciousness.

The next morning, I got up earlier than I would have preferred, since I didn't exactly sleep well. Mom was already in the kitchen putting on a pot of coffee. She said good morning and I sat at the table to wait for caffeine.

"Are you staying for another night?"

"Nah, I'm gonna get back. I have my work laptop at home and I'm going to try and get caught up after the short week."

"Okay, sweetie." She smiled at me. "Thank you so much for being here. I know how hard this is for you. I know it'll get better."

"I'm doing the best I can, mom. I'll be okay."

I heard noise and Josh came into the kitchen.

"Oh, uh... sorry. We didn't mean to wake you."

"No problem. You mind if I have a cup?"

"Sure thing."

I got up and got a mug and handed it to Josh, who seemed to have an eyebrow slightly raised at me.

I finished my cup of coffee and took my bag out to my truck. When I got back inside, Savy was up and in the kitchen with a mug in her hands. She looked up at me.

"Are you leaving already?"

"Yeah. I've gotta get back and do some work." I pointed up. "Satellite doesn't stop flying for holidays."

She spoke softly, "Okay."

I shook Josh's hand and hugged mom, who told me she loved me. I smiled at Savy and stepped back outside into the cool air.

The door didn't close behind me. I turned and saw Savy standing there.

She looked at me, unexpectedly sad. "I'm glad you're here. I've missed... family."

"Yeah, me too." I breathed deeply.

This time, I took a step toward her and she held out her arms as I took her in mine. She wrapped her arms around my back and squeezed. I rested my chin on her head.

It was too much. I was starting to lose it inside and I wouldn't be able to keep up appearances outside.

I tilted my head down and kissed her on top of her head.

"I'll see you soon."

I let go of her and got in my truck. She was still on the porch when I backed out of the driveway and shifted into gear to drive away.

A week later, I was having lunch with Jeff. After talking about work for a bit, he asked how things were going for me. I was honest with him, as always. I still hurt. Once you love someone, truly love them, that never goes away. Even if you can't be together, there will always be a part of you that loves them. Still, I was doing relatively okay and Savy and I seemed to be getting back to where we had once been, one slow day at a time.

After a few more minutes, Jeff mentioned that Mia had a friend who had asked about me, specifically if I were single. It was the redhead from their wedding. I struggled to remember her name. Samantha? He made it clear that he and Mia had absolutely no expectations of me, but if I were interested, he'd give me her number. I told him I'd think about it.

Savy had another performance in early December and was, of course, flawless. This one was a smaller strings ensemble, which included Josh, and in one of the smaller concert halls at the performing arts center, but the more intimate setting suited the Christmas theme. I loved watching her play, experiencing the music that she so clearly loved. At the reception, because of the smaller audience, she had more time to sit and talk with mom and I. Savy was smiling, as always, and even when she was mingling with other guests, she'd make eye contact with either mom or myself and smile.

I was completely and utterly torn inside. The more comfortable Savy and I got with each other again, the more we acted like we had before anything happened between us, the harder it was. Everything about her reminded me of why I had fallen so deeply in love with her, why I still loved her. But so many of those same things also reminded me of all the reasons I couldn't be with her now, why I wasn't the one that brought happiness to her life. Every conversation, every smile, every minute I was in the same room with her was driving a knife deeper and deeper into me.

I felt the same feelings I'd felt right before I decided to move to Spain. I wanted to protect myself from all of this again. I wanted to... run away. It's true that losing something is far worse than never having experienced it.

But I couldn't do it. I couldn't do that to her again. If I had to spend the rest of my life alone, unhappy, and in the presence of the constant reminder of what I had lost, that is what I would do. I loved her too much, as my sister, as my friend, and as the absolute love of my life... and it was the only thing I could do.

I couldn't even tell her how I felt. When I had left, I didn't tell her how I felt because I had been a coward. I was a damn fool and now I would suffer for it. Now I couldn't tell her how I felt because it wouldn't be fair to her. She was happy. I couldn't do anything that would take any of that away from her.

I tried to think of what my life would be without her. Or more correctly, with her so close, yet out of reach. I immediately thought of the old song, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." That seemed like an impossible way to live, unfair to whoever I would be with and impossible for me to actually do. I'm not capable of loving anyone but her.

I must have been on cruise control during my internal conversation. The reception was winding down and it was time to go home. I couldn't remember who I'd been talking to. I'd been lost in my own thoughts.

The four of us, Savy, mom, Josh, and myself walked out together. It was incredibly cold outside and Savy had on a long, well-tailored white coat over her dress. Even bundled up, she looked incredible.

I was in a different parking lot and said goodbye to everyone. As usual, I hugged mom and shook Josh's hand. I turned to Savy.

"You were... perfect, as always."

"I play better when you're here."

That stabbing pain in my side.

She stepped towards me and I took her into my arms. I could feel her hair, now incredibly frigid from the cold air, brushing against my hands behind her back. I rested my cheek on the top of her head.

"I'll always be here now."

She looked up and into my eyes. Her eyes were so dark in the night. She then reached up and I felt her lips brush against my skin as she gave me the lightest kiss on my cheek.

"I'll see you soon."

She turned and walked back to mom and Josh, taking her place between them as they walked to their cars.

I drove back to Bowie alone. I missed her.

Leading up to Christmas, we continued our nightly conversations. Simple things, mostly. School. Work. She did say that for New Year's she'd be driving down to North Carolina to meet Josh's family. I did my best to brace myself for the inevitable.

I was looking forward to Christmas, though. I'd be going down to Salisbury for a few days, but then I'd be joining Jeff and Mia at her family's mountain home in Western Maryland for skiing and snowboarding for New Year's. I loved my work, but having a week off to recharge seemed like a good idea.

Savy had gone back to mom's place earlier, because her classes were over. I had to work on Christmas Eve, so I didn't make it down to Salisbury until relatively late. When I got inside, mom and Savy were curled up under blankets in the living room watching a movie. I greeted everyone, then went upstairs to change into comfortable fleece pants and a sweatshirt.

Back downstairs, I lowered myself onto the floor and leaned up against mom's chair to watch the movie. Savy had been stretched out on the sofa, but immediately curled up onto one end.

"Mike, there's plenty of room. You don't have to sit on the floor."

"Uh, it's okay. I'm good."

"It's cold. Come sit up here with a blanket."

I slowly got up and sat down on the other end of the sofa from Savy. She lifted the end of her blanket and threw it over me. I turned, with my back against the arm, and put my feet up on the sofa with my knees in the air. We watched the movie for a bit, then I felt Savy shift. She rested her back against my legs, like she was leaning back in a chair, and pulled her hair up then let it fall over the blanket that covered us.

I focused on breathing long, slow breaths. I actually literally face-palmed and rubbed my eyes for a second. I knew that she was trying to let me know that things were okay, that I was her big brother again. It just... this was so much harder than I'd thought it would be.

Eventually we were all tired and went to bed, both Savy and mom giving me hugs before going upstairs. I followed a few minutes later.

The next morning, Savy was in full Christmas spirit. She had a Santa hat on and was absolutely adorable. She couldn't stop smiling as she handed out various presents from under the tree. Mom had gotten us both clothes, mostly. Savy handed me a present and I saw that it was from her. I tore off the paper before carefully opening the box. I pulled out a crystal Earth sculpture.

"You spend so much time looking into space, I don't want you to forget to stay back here on Earth sometimes."

I smiled and thanked her, then chuckled knowing what I had gotten her.

She reached under the tree and pulled out one of her gifts from me. She always took forever opening her presents, carefully pulling apart the tape and unfolding the paper. I don't think I'd ever seen her tear the paper off of a gift, despite relentless teasing about it.

She eventually opened the box and saw the Maryland sweatshirt that I had gotten her. She immediately pulled off the tags and put it on, then thanked me and hugged me.

Then she pulled out the last box from under the tree and it was the other gift I had gotten her.

She went through her unwrapping routine and then opened the box. She covered her mouth with her hand before reaching inside and pulling out a crystal figurine of a slender woman playing a violin.

"It's what you were meant to do."

She carefully set the figurine on the coffee table and then wrapped her arms around me again, squeezing me tightly. I slid my arms around her back and gently held her to me. I wished that hug could have lasted forever. As she pulled away, she whispered to me, "I love it," and pressed her lips against my cheek. I briefly closed my eyes as so many memories of her cascaded through me.

As Savy sat down next to the table and reached out to turn her figurine various ways in the light, I looked over at mom. She smiled and nodded at me. We felt like a family again.

We had a wonderful dinner. After cleaning up, I was the first person back into the living room. I sat in mom's chair, put my feet up on the ottoman, and pulled a blanket over me. Mom squeezed my foot on the way by and sat on the sofa. When Savy came in, she looked at mom, then at me. She kind of raised an eyebrow and the smile she had been wearing all day dissipated, not quite into a frown, but noticeably. She sat on the sofa with mom and we watched a few DVDs that we had gotten for the holiday.

I must have drifted off during the second movie. I opened my eyes and Savy was standing next to the chair. She had taken my hand in both of hers and was pulling a bit.

"Bedtime, Mike."

I groggily got to my feet and for a brief second, it was like so many of the nights that I had fallen asleep on the sofa in my old apartment and she had woken me up to take me to bed. I actually shook my head to clear the momentary confusion and then... the pain.

Savy let go of my hand, which fell to my side. I watched as she brought her hand back to herself. I wanted to hold her and feel her delicate fingers against my skin again. I rubbed my eyes to try and snap out of it.

I followed Savy up the steps, doing my best to keep my eyes down and off of her. At the top, she stopped at her door and faced me.

"Thank you, Mike."

"You're welcome. I'd do anything for you." I don't know why I said that. I just wanted her to know, in some small way. I'd failed her once, it would never happen again.

"I know."

Her eyes didn't break away from mine.

"Mike... I'm sorry... for that night you came back. I'm sorry... I slapped you and was so angry."

"I deserved it."

"You didn't. I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

She hugged me and pressed her face against my chest. My hands slid around her back and pulled her close to me. I held for what seemed like forever until she started to pull away. I let her go.

She went into her room and closed the door. I went to my room and stared at my ceiling.

The next day, I got up and went downstairs. Mom was up and already had a pot of coffee ready. I grabbed a mug and was soon sitting at the table with her.

"You're doing a good thing, Mike. I hope it gets easier for you."

"I just want her to be happy."

"You'll be happy, too. You've got the job of your dreams and you'll find someone. You're gonna be okay."

"I hope so."

I loaded my things into my truck and then waited for Savy to come downstairs. When she did, I gave mom a hug and kiss on the cheek, telling her I loved her, then I hugged Savy.

As she squeezed me, she said, "Have fun on the mountain, but don't hurt yourself."

I laughed. "No promises. I'm pretty awful."

She let go of me a bit, keeping her hands on my arms, and her eyes focused on mine.

"I'll miss you."

That pain in my side...

"I'll miss you, too."

I got into my truck and, as always, I continued to beat myself up about what I'd had, what I'd lost, and what I was going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. It was a long drive.

It was dark and a bit snowy by the time I got to Deep Creek Lake, where the ski resort is. I followed the GPS on my phone to get to Jeff and Mia's place, eventually pulling into a short driveway in front of, quite frankly, a gorgeous cabin-style house. Lights were already on, as they'd spent Christmas there, and I knocked on the front door.

Jeff opened the door and smacked me on the shoulder, knocking snow off that had fallen on me from the roof of my truck.

"Good to see ya, Mike."

I stepped inside, stomping my boots, then looked around.

"Wow man, this place is incredible."

"Yeah, now you know why I married her!" Mia turned around where she was standing in the open kitchen and stuck her tongue out at Jeff.

"Hi, Mike!"

"Hey, Mia. Y'all have a good Christmas?"

Jeff answered, "First one married and I have absolutely no complaints."

Jeff showed me to the room I'd be staying in and I went out to grab the rest of my things, including my snowboard. We sat around for the rest of the night talking and barely paying attention to whatever was on TV.

The next day, Jeff and I had to shovel out the driveway, as several inches of snow had fallen. Around lunchtime, three more friends of Mia's came, another married couple, Adrian and Shani, and the attractive redhead from their wedding, Samantha. When I saw her, I shot a glance at Jeff. When he'd asked if I wanted her number, I told him I'd think about it, but I never got back to him. He nodded towards Mia.

That afternoon, just the three of us guys went to the slopes. Jeff and Adrian skied, while I snowboarded. I'd only been a few times before, so I couldn't quite keep up with them. Mostly they raced down the mountain and then waited for me at the lift. I got to the point where I could complete an entire run without falling down, but by then I'd already landed pretty hard on my hip and was limping. It was exhausting, but I was still having a good time.

Back at the house, the girls were sitting in the living room when we got in. After getting cleaned up and out of our ski clothes, we joined them. We talked for a bit, going through more formal introductions about where we were from and what we did. After a while, we made our way out for dinner in town.

I ended up sitting next to Sam and wasn't quite as oblivious to things as I used to be. She was obviously flirting with me, making eye contact often, touching my arm, sitting close to me. She was definitely attractive, with bright red hair that she wore in a ponytail and fine, delicate features. She certainly seemed like a very pleasant girl. Still, I was uncomfortable.

Why should I have been uncomfortable? I wasn't in a relationship. I hadn't been in any kind of relationship for seven months now. I wanted to be happy in life. I didn't want to stay miserable forever.

When we returned to the house, we sat around in the living room, with a nice fire, drinking beer. It was simply a relaxing evening.

We spent the next two days on the mountain as a group. Mia was also a bit unsure on her skis, so it worked that she and I could go slow while the more advanced could zoom past us. Sam hung back with us, too, though I could tell that she was very comfortable on her snowboard. Whereas I mostly plowed along, angling back and forth across the slope, she had no issues pointing straight downhill and carving through the snow. Lunches in the lodge and dinners at the house, which Adrian and Shani cooked, were good. The company was equally as good.