Milly Scott Pt. 05: An Ending and A Beginning

I'd felt awful for almost a week. The pains were bad and my mood was low. I hung in, but it was tough. Fiona and Jane were there and helped me, but I could see that they were finding things hard as well.

Two days later I was feeling a lot better and that night I made mad, passionate love to Fiona. It was not about me, it was about me pleasing her. That was to be the last time and I think that we both realised it.

I slid gently down the slope from then onwards. My time was coming to an end and this seems like a good point to let my sister take the story over.

Jane

I loved Milly, not in the way that my sister did, but I loved her as my sister in law and my friend. She was my closest friend. I couldn't wrap my head around her dying, how could such a wonderful person be taken from us before she'd lived her life to the full? But it was going to happen and as much as I didn't want her to go, it would be a blessing. She was in pain and the zest had gone from her. Most of the time I managed to find somewhere to be alone for at least a few minutes each day so that I could cry my heart out and it happened every day.

Milly was lying in bed propped up on several pillows and she was smiling at me. How wonderful to see her like that. Her face was drawn with weight loss and pain, but deep down I could still see her, the wonderful woman who became an adopted aunt to Fiona and me, with whom we had such fun. It was my sister who'd married her, but I considered myself lucky because it meant that I got to spend time with them both.

The look on her face changed, she'd just realised something. The next few minutes were about to change my life beyond anything that I could have imaged, but I didn't know what was about to come until she spoke, well, it was more of a whisper.

"I've got it! After all these years I've worked it out."

"What Milly, I don't understand?"

"I know who the mystery person is. The one that you love, but cannot tell anyone about."

'Oh shit, there was no way she could know, surely not.'

"It's Fi, Fiona. The person that you've been in love with for all of these years is Fiona!"

My face reacted and gave her the answer. 'Oh shit!'

"Jane, tell me, am I right?" I nodded my head and then hung it in shame.

"Come here, lay beside me, you poor girl." I climbed onto the bed and held her. I'd imagined so many times being in her place and holding my sister, Fiona, like this kissing her, making love to her. Yet here I was in tears of shame.

"You poor girl, all these years, you've remained faithful and loyal. Don't be embarrassed, you need to tell me all about it, don't fool around, I don't have long. I doubt if I'll be here at the end of the week. It's too much Jane. I'm hurting and it's not going to get any better. Tell me about it."

I spilt my guts. I confessed everything. How I'd realised that I loved my little sister when she was about twenty when she and Milly were together. I'd always loved her, she was my sister and we were close, very close. But one day after a night of failed love I wandered off inside myself wanting to know why I couldn't find love. Then I saw it, my sister. I fantasised about her, sexually. I realised that I wasn't jealous of Milly, how could anyone be jealous of such a lovely person, no I just wanted to be her or in her place.

I'd tried to shake it off, deny it, forget it, but nothing had worked. I could never share my feelings with anyone. In any case, how could I love my sister, how could we have a sexual relationship? It was just not possible. I tried hard to find someone else, I even tried guys, but that was never going to be a solution, I didn't like them in that way. I liked girls, but except for one disastrous encounter, none of them made me feel the way that I knew I could feel, the way that Fiona and Milly felt about each other.

We spoke for a couple of hours and she promised never to tell anyone or share my secret. That was a relief and I settled, but only for a moment or two. When she spoke again she did so with authority and with love. "Jane, Fiona is going to need someone, someone close, and someone who loves her. That person has to be you. Remember, I've been in the position that she's about to find herself in. It'll take time, but you may be able to have that relationship. She loves and cares for you very deeply. You'd make a great couple, it will be difficult, but you could do this."

Milly was silent for a while, thinking. I think she was having a pain spasm as well. "I'd like to think that you two could be together, it would make me happy, but I'll be gone, so what I think doesn't matter. But you've to tell her, not right away, maybe months, but you've to tell her. If you don't I'll haunt you."

Milly's end

Fiona and I were sharing the big chair watching Milly, it was close now. She'd been sleeping until a moment ago. A few minutes later Victoria came in and went over to the bed. She leaned over and Milly tapped the bed covers. Victoria lay down beside her. I heard a little of the conversation, "If there is something else after this maybe Alex and Jenny will be waiting for you. If there is, keep me a place near you."

I heard Milly laugh and she whispered something, Victoria smiled, "I've loved you for a long time, Milly. You made my life better because we shared it, thank you." The two of them hugged each other for several minutes.

Victoria got off the bed and made to leave the room. As she opened the door Jess came in, but the door hadn't fully closed and we all heard Victoria collapse on the floor in the hall sobbing, loudly. Fiona went to her.

Jess kissed Milly and sat beside her. They whispered and I heard nothing, but they smiled at each other and held hands. They kissed again and Jess left with tears streaming down her face as well.

When Fiona came back in she nodded to me and as I was leaving I saw her climb onto the bed beside Milly and cuddle her.

About an hour later I was in the bedroom that I'd been using. I was hugging myself as I sat there crying hard. I couldn't stand this and then I heard Fiona sobbing and rushed to her. I found Fiona sitting hunched up on the floor in the corner of the room, wailing. I went to the bed and saw that Milly was gone; she looked pain-free at last, and beautiful. I took her hand and leaned over to kiss her for the final time.

Fiona clutched me and was sobbing when Victoria and Jess joined us. We held hands at the end of the bed. I was surprised when Victoria said a prayer for Milly, but it was the right thing to do.

The funeral was just as Milly had requested, quiet and simple. Fiona had asked for one piece of music to be played; 'Something in the way she moves,' by George Harrison. It was a song that Fiona had sung to Milly many times and had us all crying.

There were more people there than I'd expected, but I don't have much idea who they all were. I recognised Isha and Susie, Milly's friends from the Lake District, but I couldn't see much else, I was blinded by tears and grief, hanging in there desperately for my sister. Fiona was broken; she could barely sleep, could barely speak a coherent sentence, had cried so many tears and lost a couple of kilos in the space of a week.

Victoria took charge with a steely determination as ever. It was a good job too because Jess, Fiona and I were hopeless. Two days before the funeral I'd spoken to Jess for a long time about how much I'd loved Milly, my best and closest friend.

That evening wasn't easy. I'd put Fiona to bed and I sat with Jess and Victoria. "Listen, I know that I've been at Fiona and Milly's for a few weeks, but I'm moving there permanently. I'm moving in with Fi until I know that she'll be okay. That may take a while. I'll try to get her to come back here, but she's a stubborn bastard and wants to hang on to their home, where she feels closer to Milly."

They nodded, they understood.

Recovery

Fiona was like a shell of her former self. Her shoulders drooped, she never smiled. Her eyes had dark rings, her hair was dull and there was no spirit to her. She spent a lot of time in bed and I heard her sobbing every night. I could stand it no longer, so one evening I went and climbed into bed and hugged her. She fell asleep quicker that evening and each evening thereafter I did the same thing until it became a habit, sharing her bed.

After a week she went back to work, but she didn't stay for long. The following week Karen told us that she seemed to be doing a lot better and was getting things running again, but there was a constant air of sadness about her. When she came home she ate something and went to bed. It looked as if she'd expended all of her energy in getting through a workday.

She wore the same old T-shirt every night. She'd wash it every other day and leave it to dry before she went out. Then put it on in the evening without bothering to iron it. It was a very old one and looked worse for wear. "Why do you wear that same thing every night?" She looked at me with sad eyes and I expected to see tears.

"I wore this the summer I stayed with Milly, after Jenny died, and I left it behind when I came home. When Milly found it she wore it almost every night. She stopped wearing it when we started sleeping together, but if I was away overnight or when I came back here, she'd drag it out. When it falls apart I'll wash it and put it somewhere safe."

It took another month before I saw her smile again and another month before she cracked a joke. After another three months she seemed to have realised that she needed to do something. She was sleeping better, eating proper meals, conversing with people and she looked more like her old self. But deep down, she was still hurting.

She'd been gone for a quite a while and I found her sitting on the end of her bed holding one of Milly's dresses and staring at the wall. "Fiona, we know that you're hurting, but we're all worried about you. What can we do to help?"

It was a simple statement. "Bring her back." She looked forlorn.

"If only I could. She asked me to help you, help you to get through this. I love you." I sat beside her; she grabbed me and held onto me as if I was Milly.

"I love you, Jane, I've always loved you and you're helping me, you really are. I'll get through this, just give me time."

Over the next few months, she came back to us little by little. We went out on our bikes a couple of times but she was driven and I couldn't stay with her. She seemed to be working her feelings out on the tarmac, but she was getting better.

I held her every night. I loved being there next to her; it was what I'd wanted for a long time, but not like this. During those months I never had any sexual feelings towards Fiona. She was my sister and hurting, I simply needed to help her.

Disclosure

"What are your plans?" Fiona looked sad again today, but then that was still often the case.

"I need to go through some of Milly's stuff. I'll start with underwear and shoes. I can't face the dresses just yet. It'll be difficult but I need to try."

"Want me to stay?"

"No, I need to do this, but thanks."

I was just about to deliver coffee when I heard the angry shout, "Jane get in here right now!" I wasn't sure what was wrong.

She was sitting on the bedroom floor with two drawers lying beside her and underwear strewn everywhere. Her eyes were red and in one hand she was clutching a pair of panties that were soaking wet, presumably with tears. In her other hand she was brandishing a letter, blue notepaper, Milly's notepaper and from the little that I could see, Milly's handwriting.

"What the fuck is this, what does this mean?" She cracked and the tears poured out of her like a fountain. I went to hold her, but she shrugged me off. "Don't touch me, don't you dare touch me!"

I took the letter from her and started to read:

Dearest darling Fiona,

I have no idea how long it will take you to find this letter and you may already know what I am about to disclose. I am close to the end as I write this, but what I have to tell you is very important.

I am so sorry to desert you, but it is beyond my control. I thank you for the love and pleasure that we have shared; as aunt and niece, as friends, as lovers and finally as my wife. I have gone and you will grieve, but you have to move on. You are too wonderful and have so much to offer to be alone for the rest of your life. Move on, you cannot grieve forever and do not try to compare.

I've loved Jane as well; I was blessed to have her in my life and she has been a good, kind friend.

I finally figured out the identity of the mystery person that Jane is in love with. It's you, Fiona. I worked it out and she has confessed it all to me. It's a wonderful and tragic story. She promised me that when she felt the time was right she would tell you. Maybe as you read this you already know, but this is my insurance policy.

I have always known that you love and care for her as she does for you. But she loves you very much in a different way. There would be difficulties, but you would be perfect together. Don't be angry with her, she's suffered enough. Let her love you, with my blessing and good wishes.

Thank you for everything, these last fifteen years were perfect and so were you.

All of my love

Milly X

I was almost crying as I looked up at her and she asked softly, "Is this true?" I nodded and once again, hung my head in shame.

"When were you going to tell me?"

"I don't know when the time was right. Soon, I think. I didn't know about the letter, but I should've guessed."

"When did she work it out?"

"Two days before, that must have been one of the last things she did." I stopped pretending. The tears flowed, my life was over, I was ashamed, embarrassed and more than anything I wanted Milly back too. Through the tears and anguish, I managed to say, "I miss her Fiona, I want her back, I loved her too. I have no idea how you must feel."

"If I could have one more thing it would be a kiss, one more kiss. When our lips were touching it was the most magical thing. Just one more kiss. Hold me, please."

We sat together for several minutes holding each other with our own thoughts.

"She always dreaded that I might meet someone my own age. I knew that I wouldn't, I was so certain of that. I knew the one thing that could separate us was this, her death. Now you need to tell me about the contents of this letter."

"You and Milly were already a couple and it was the summer that I finished university. My love life had been a mess. For a couple of months, I'd behaved like a slut, men and women. It never felt right, it was never satisfying. I woke up one night in a sweat and a conversation that we'd had was right there in front of me. You'd told me about the feelings that you and Milly had when you kissed, when you had sex. I'd never had anything close to that. When I fell asleep again I was restless and woke up again shocked, but I wasn't sure why. An hour later I realised that what I needed was to find someone who I loved, who turned me on, who understood me. It hit me like a baseball bat - you made me feel like that."

I looked at her and there was a look, an understanding, but she remained silent. "I didn't sleep for a week. I kept telling myself that it was wrong, could never work, that I was crazy. I told myself some of the most stupid things. It took months before I accepted that I was in love with you the same way that Milly was. I nearly told her once, but I couldn't. It was the only thing that I never told her until just before... I couldn't tell you or Jess or Vic."

"So what did you do?"

"I buried it or tried to. I went out with people, I tried hard to find someone, but I kept seeing your face. I kept dreaming about you. Terrible things, things I wanted to do with you. It took me a few years before I managed to bury it enough to almost ignore it. Being around Milly kept it at bay. Not because I wanted her, I didn't want to split you up. Somehow, being with her and having her as my friend, kept a lid on it most of the time."

That night I went to my own room or at least the room that I used to occupy and where my clothes were kept. I didn't go to Fiona's bed for the first time in a long time. I didn't think it was right and wasn't sure that she would want me there.

Two days later we were having dinner. Fiona had been quiet, but that wasn't unusual. She looked at me and raised an eyebrow, "Why have you been sleeping alone?"

I was surprised and took a few moments to consider my reply. "After the letter and you knowing my feelings I thought it better."

"I missed you holding me. I'd like you to come back, but only if you want to." My heart lifted, of course, I wanted to, but I just nodded. That evening I went to her bed and held her again. As I lay there thinking, I knew that this was where I most wanted to be, with the person that I loved. The contact was important; the sex was not, because I knew that was a fantasy.

We never spoke about Milly's letter again for a long time. Fiona was coming back and I saw more of the old her each day.

Stars

I watched Fiona; she was deep in thought and sad. I assumed that she'd been thinking about Milly, that was what usually happened and it often started me off as well. She clasped her wine glass, opened the patio door and stepped outside. She stood still and the security light went off after a minute or two. I saw her looking up. From where I sat I could see that it was a clear sky and the stars were visible.

I stopped watching her, I hurt for her, I hurt for myself. I was miserable, we both were. I heard the door slide open; when I looked up she stepped inside and was smiling, "I saw a star winking at me."

I thought that she had flipped; I'd feared that this might happen. "I'm sorry, a star winking?" She came over and sat on the couch next to me.

"One night when we were on our honeymoon Milly told me that she'd seen two stars winking at her. I thought that she'd gone mad, but she told me that it was Alex and Jenny giving their approval to the two of us. She said that she felt at peace about them and that it wasn't just a fantasy. She really believed that she was right."

"And you just saw a star winking as well?"

"Come with me." She took my hand and we went outside. The security lights went off and we took time to adjust to the darkness. Still holding my hand she pointed up to the sky and there was a star, I don't know if it was winking, but it seemed to glow a little.

She shouted excitedly, "That's Milly, that's Milly! I know with a certainty that defies logic. She's looking down on us and telling me that I have to do something."

Fiona turned and stood right in front of me, as close as she could get. Her hand came up to my cheek and she leaned forward and kissed me. It felt so wonderful, my eyes rolled and I caught sight of that star. It was glowing much brighter. She was right, it had to be Milly. The kiss was something else, it was the best kiss that I'd ever had."

Fiona stepped back and looked up. I saw her mouth, "Thank you, Milly, I love you." She turned back to me, "She was right; we might make a good couple. Let's try that again." We kissed again and when we stopped she looked at me, "I felt it, did you, the spark?" I nodded. I'd felt it alright, I knew what it was even though it had eluded me for all of these years.

I looked up to the stars as well and whispered, "Thanks Milly, for everything."

In those few moments, Fiona had changed. She seemed taller and lighter, excited. She was smiling as wide as I'd seen for over a year, certainly since Milly had become ill.