Misty Water Colored Memories

He held my face in both hands and gently pulled me into his crotch and onto his cock. "Suck it baby. Make love to Leon's cock, baby boi."

He guided me, taught me how to take him deep while breathing through my nose. He let me lose myself with my face planted in his balls. My hands roamed his body. His words excited me, urged me. There was no malice, no ill intent in his words when he called me a cock sucker. His cock sucker. I looked up at him, the head of his cock in my mouth and smiled.

He held eye contact with me as I used my tongue to lick the length of his big cock. My tongue went from his balls to the head and back, our eyes never leaving each other's.

"You like my cock don't you johnnie?"

"Umm hmm," I smiled before taking him back in. "I likee your dickee daddy," I said trying to sound like what? Hell, I don't know what had come over me. But there, in that room, on my knees, Leon's hand guiding my head as I willing, happily sucked his cock, made me feel, it's hard to admit this to myself but feminine.

I sit here looking out at the gray skyline. My insides hurting. I consider a morphine pill but want to preserve them, save all that I could so as to give myself an easy out should the pain become too great.

"I likee,?" Damn John what the hell got into you? I have cancer yet here I sit thinking about how infantile it sounded at the time. No one was in my flat and yet I was still embarrassed.

I closed my eyes tight against a spasm of pain and coughed until I nearly passed out. "Fuck this shit," I thought going for another drink and another cigarette.

I returned to my recliner, glass in one hand, Kool in the other.

I sat remembering how I should have known how selfish Leon was going to be when he refused to reciprocate and suck me. "Baby, Daddy doesn't suck. Daddy gets sucked," he told me with some finality in his voice. I understood the hierarchy right away.

I whined until Leon finally capitulated and roughly jerked me off. It hurt when I came. He was hurting me on purpose. Leon wasn't trying to be mean. He just didn't want me to keep bothering him to get me off. After that I knew I would be responsible for my own orgasms.

I sucked him again in the shower. How easily I fell into a subservient role with him. It felt natural for me to wash his body. Believe me, I became familiar with every inch of that man. My hands and mouth explored every nook and cranny and Leon sighed when he felt my tongue caress his anus.

Leon watched TV as I ironed our suits and shirts before we headed down to dinner. I was quiet but Leon was not. He was gregarious after his latest conquest. Confident. Proud that he'd seduced another white boi to suck his cock.

I was insecure. I think that my feeling that way was the determining factor on the trajectory of our relationship. I found myself trying hard to please him, win his praise. The more I tried, the more aloof Leon became.

He wasn't putting me off altogether. It was his way of controlling me.

Spasms hit me again. Another drink dulled them somewhat. I cursed myself for falling for Leon like I did back then. I should have known better. Maybe it was my karma, me throwing myself at a man who used me for his pleasure and me wallowing in submission, doing my damnedest to make him happy.

I was the one who had treated so many women the way Leon was then treating me. I used them, had them chase me, trying to make me their own. It was me who had hurt so many, used so many and tossed them aside.

Leon became an obsession for me. I bought him gifts, a Rolex watch, a Italian leather coat. I treated him to lavish meals and blow jobs. So many blow jobs.

I sat in my recliner wondering why I'd become so obsessed. Why did my behavior at home become so hap hazard that Sue found my personal email account I'd inadvertently left open?

She had seen my emails begging Leon for his time. She saw the photos he sent with me kneeling looking up at his cell phone as I sucked his cock. She read his emails where he belittled me, called me his bitch, his faggot. She read me promising I'd do anything for him.

I hurt her badly.

Yes I felt guilt. But that guilt was misplaced. Halfhearted attempts to explain to my wife that what she saw and read was some elaborate joke. A prank.

She didn't believe me. Who would. I was making excuses to stay over in the city more and more to be with Leon.

I followed him like a puppy. It became me who opened doors for him. Me who waited to sit until he had.

But like all predators, Leon had a way about him.

I lit another cigarette, poured another drink. Sat backdown remembering.

He could be sweet when he wanted to be. He could talk me out of my pants and into his with a smile and a kind word.

Then came the night that he made me a woman. I felt good about it then and still do. My marriage was on the rocks and Leon sought to cheer me up.

We were back in our hotel room that special night. He surprised me when, after diner when we returned to our room he had the bell man leave a package for me on the bed.

"Go on baby. Open it."

"Leon, Daddy, you shouldn't have," I said emotionally.

I carefully untied the pink ribbon which held the box closed. I wanted to keep that as a memento.

"The ribbon. Did I still have it," I wondered?

Painfully getting up out of my recliner, I went to my bureau and opened the top drawer. I rummaged through somethings; pictures, ticket stubs, "Ah yes. I did keep it."

I pulled out the pink ribbon and carried it back with me to my chair. I put it down, got another Kool and another drink.

Easing back in my chair I fingered the ribbon, memories of that night returning like some albatross around my neck.

"Do you like it sweetheart,?" Leon smiled.

"I love it Daddy," I gushed.

"Go on then girl. Try it on."

I took the white negligee top to the bathroom and stripped. Holding up the garment, I saw it was lacy at the bottom and had what appeared to be little snowflakes embordered on the bodice.

I slipped it over my head. The bottom came down to my waist. My dick and balls. now shaved as were my legs and chest as Leon wanted showed. I felt sexy.

I strutted out of the bathroom, my erect dick pointing the way as I made my way to Leon.

"Do you like it baby girl?"

"I do Daddy. I love it. Thank you so much."

"Show your Daddy how much you love then bitch."

I sunk to my knees and took his wonderful cock between my lips. I smiled up at him before swallowing his entire length.

"My sweet faggot can deep throat her Daddy like a good cock sucker," he praised me.

He didn't let me finish him.

Taking me under my arms, Leon raised me up and steered me onto the bed on my back.

Our eyes met as he braced himself above me. I melted again. I was looking at him the same way Susan looked up at me many years ago. My eyes conveyed hope and trust as Leon inserted his cock up my ass for the first time.

The pain was terrible but I surrendered myself to him. I gave myself completely to my man, my Daddy. I gave him my heart, my virgin ass, my masculinity, my everything.

He held me as I cried and told him I loved him. He didn't complain when I bit his shoulder when I came.

I will never forget the satisfied look on his face after he fucked his load up my bottom. I thought he was pleased. He was, but not the way I thought.

It was only months later when his true color shone through. Leon insisted I leave my wife and move into the city, into the flat where I now sit staring out the window into my past.

He would come and go as he pleased always telling me he was busy at work, with his wife and kid, but for me to wait for him.

And wait I did.

Once he came over, we'd made a lunch date for a quickie. He never said what I did to piss him off but that was the first time he used his belt on me.

I screamed in pain and anguish as Daddy taught me who was boss. I feel like an idiot now as I remember how I begged him not to leave and how he looked down at me so smug as I engulfed his cock.

I didn't see him for two days after that. Two long days without a phone call or email.

I was sick with worry. What had I done? What could I do to make him know I love him?

I now know that he was playing me. Using me to get his nut as he called it.

Still, I persevered. I accepted his punishments. I took his verbal abuse hoping upon hope that he would change back to my loveable Leon.

His cruelty knew no bounds. He would brag about his new conquests as I cried. He would have me in my negligee and nothing else to hide my shame as I accepted our food deliveries. He would disappear for days and use his belt on me if I asked too many questions.

I fought off another round of spasms and swallowed my VO hoping it would ease the pain.

"Pain. I was used to pain by now," Leon would hurt me for sport.

But the really most hurtful thing he did was to walk out on me when I began to feel so ill that I could not even think about sex.

"Fucking bitch," he snarled as he left me that day for the last time.

I waited in vain for him to return but it was the last time I would ever see Leon.

I did go see a doctor about the chest pains and nagging cough I was having. After a few tests he broke the news to me that I had lung cancer. "It is so bad that radiation treatment after we remove half of each lung may prove futile John."

"How long Doc?"

"Without treating it, maybe 4 months. You're in a late stage three now. Maybe stage 4. There is no stage 5. You understand what I'm telling you?"

"I'm dying."

He didn't answer. He looked down at my file, then back at me. I could see the answer in his eyes. "I'm going to prescribe morphine for you John. They'll help with the pain. Now that pain will increase until the morphine won't ease it. But it will make it so you don't care though."

The gray skies darkened as night began to overtake day. Tears ran softly down my cheeks guilt filled me. "How could I have done Sue that way?"

I must have dozed off. I awoke to the phone ringing. The flat was dark. Wishing I had thought to bring it beside the recliner, I painfully eased out of the chair, turned on a light, and retrieved my cell phone.

It was Sue.

"John. Your sisters told me. How are you?"

I broke down sobbing. Guilt and shame over whelmed me. I dropped to my knees, my head on the wood floor and cried uncontrollably. After the rotten way I treated her, Sue was still asking about me. She still cared.

She held on while I gathered myself. I told her what the prognosis is and when she asked of she could do anything I said she could forgive me.

Two hours later she was knocking at my door. We hesitated before we embraced. She held me close, told me how sorry she was to hear the news and swore she'd be with me through the end.

She saw how emaciated I'd become when she saw my skinny legs under my bathrobe.

She sat next to me as I poured myself another drink and returned to my recliner. "What's that pink ribbon for John?"

Life had caught up with me.