Mixed Feelings

A young woman came across a man at a railway station, standing confused on the platform.

She lit up, "Hey I know you! You're that famous philosopher!

"I read about you! Aren't you a hero? Or something else? Not a villain? I don't remember."

He looked surprised, "Why ask me? I might be lying."

Right, he was a Philosopher! Thinking fast, she replied carefully "If I asked you if you were a liar, what would you say?"

"I'd lie!"

"So you are a villain!" Triumphant!

He shook his head.

"Depends on who you ask. My wife is mad about how I killed her mother and all. Never says a thing about the five people I saved from that runaway trolley! Still get Christmas cards from four of them."

"So you don't know that you're a hero?"

"I am, but I don't know if I am. If that makes any sense?"

She shook her head, No.

"It did when you said it!"

Moving on, she asked "Who else did you save?"

"A dozen people in the hospital! Waiting for organ transplants! I took a hobo in there; they used his parts to save twelve others."

"Was he dead?"

"Not at first."

Concerned now, she thought carefully.

"Do people always have to die, when you save someone?"

He nodded, that was apparently a good question.

"I wonder about that. Went to save a murderer on the railroad tracks last week, left my cat in my suitcase, at the lost-luggage office. Should be fine when I return."

"Won't it be dead?"

"We'll see, kid, we'll see."

Changing tack, "You make a good living, saving people? Get rich?"

He considered. "What is rich?"

She was having none of it, "You know the answer to that! A big pile!"

"Creating a big pile, you have to start with one. I tried it. Never got a pile, just a lot of things, one at a time.

"You see, when do many things become a pile?"

"When it's big!"

He accepted that.

"I tried making money another way. I opened a help line in Chinese. Scripted! Had all the common questions written down, hired folks to stand in a room, just read back the answers."

"How did that go?"

"Lots of complaints, turned out it was cheaper to just hire folks who knew Chinese. Nobody could tell the difference anyway.

"Why do you ask me these questions?"

"In order to find out!"

"Well, how will you know the right answer when you hear it? Unless you already know the answer!"

"You're pulling my leg! Can you just answer my question! Are you rich?"

Slyly, "I'll tell you later; it's a surprise!"

"You said that Monday, you'd tell me this week. It's Friday now!"

"Surprise!"

She'd had enough.

"I'm tired of this nonsense, and starving!"

"I'm starving too. Let's stop and steal some lobster and caviar."

Alarm! "It's wrong to steal."

"Not if you're starving! Would you blame someone for stealing bread to feed their starving children?"

"No! But...But..."

She changed direction.

"They're having a dinner in your honor! At Buridan's café! We could go? They'll have food there!"

He shook his head, sadly.

"I don't like their menu."

"Is the food bad?"

"No! Everything is so good; I can never decide!"

"Sounds ok to me. I'm in! Which way?"

He declined. "It would take too long. Next door to Zeno's Diner, tried going there the other day. Got halfway and gave up."

She found a solution.

"Come home with me, I'll make supper. I can cook!"

"I'm not decent! I have to dress for dinner and shave."

She sighed, accustomed to everything being harder than it had to be.

"So why can't you shave?"

"I'm glad you asked! I used to shave myself. But then my barber said I couldn't do that. He claimed it was only possible to shave men who didn't shave themselves!"

She was glad she didn't have to shave; her head was hurting.

"Will you come over then?"

He smiled, glad to be invited. "What are we having?"

"A complicated recipe. I need a fox, a goose, and a sack of grain. If we stop on the way, we can each carry one."

He was dubious. "What about the third item? "

"We'll come back for it."

"It sounds like a lot of running back and forth."

She was jubilant! "No worries; we'll never get home anyway!"

He was certain he'd met his match!

Smiling, they set out for supper, arm in arm.