Modern Lesbian Marriage Ch. 00

In spite of her efforts, Jen's doubts about what she was able to provide to the pleasure of the woman she loved didn't go away. In the last couple of months Jen had begun to consider all the fantasies that Laura had come up with during the years of their relationship. Perhaps using a strap-on wasn't all that bad, they already used toys in the bedroom every now and then. Perhaps anal wasn't as disgusting as she initially thought, Jen was very proud of her own ass and loved the way it used to bring Laura's lust out; besides, she'd be lying if she said she had never had any impure thoughts when looking at her wife's most amazing bottom. And perhaps a threesome wouldn't have been such a bad idea; surely, Jen had always thought of herself as the jealous type, but lately she wondered if the intense feeling she got in her stomach when she thought of Laura with another woman was all bad. Her own thoughts confused her and had been the reason she had started to read erotica lately, to try and understand her own feelings on sex. And if last week's read was any indication, she was certainly starting to understand her fantasies a lot better. Particularly those involving other partners.

Tonight though, everything had gone south. She had made a big effort to step out of her comfort zone and prepare a big surprise for Laura, thinking her wife would like it. While Laura had seemed into it at first, Jen knew the brunette's mind was not fully into it. She had attributed it to the natural tendency of people to bring one's work home, particularly after Laura's long week. But now, she felt it was something much deeper, and among all the possibilities, Jen's mind dwelled on those that she thought were the worst.

Once Jen was no longer on top of Laura, she was kneeling on the bed as her mind went into overload. Laura on her part had sat back, resting her back on the wooden headboard as she stared at her wife. Laura could see her wife's mind at work and didn't say a word as she feared she might have hurt Jen's feelings. Also, she didn't want to start a conversation because she was not sure she was ready to talk about what happened at work. As Laura contemplated her wife with fear that she might find out about her job loss, she missed the visible signs of Jen fighting to hold back some tears.

They stayed like this for a while. Jen's eyes shifting constantly from one corner of the room to the next, never looking at Laura. Meanwhile, Laura was expectantly looking at her wife, not knowing what to say.

Finally, after what felt like an hour, Laura tried to break the silence, "Jen, I-"

"Do you not find me attractive anymore?" Jen interrupted, as if she had the question prepared minutes ago but was waiting on something to finally say it. Her voice, though, conveyed little to no emotion, no sadness or desperation.

"Of course I do, Jen. I'm sorry, I just have a lot on my mind tonight," Laura answered truthfully.

Jen's eyes widened as she considered the possibility that Laura was just upset about something that was not her. Feeling her supportive instinct kick in, she asked with genuine concern, "Is everything alright baby? What 's going on?"

Laura contemplated her options, and quickly decided she did not have the guts to tell Jen that she'd soon be out of a job. She still felt highly insecure about herself and she wanted to delay disappointing Jen. After only a few seconds of thought, she dismissively answered, "it's nothing, just some minor problem with some client's account that I'll have to deal with next week."

Jen could hear the lie in her wife's voice. She knew something was off but was sure Laura wouldn't budge if she insisted. Doubts started to resurface in Jen's mind as she realized Laura had not held anything back from her in years. Even as their sex life had been dying down, they still knew almost everything about each other's day to day. Most of the time, those conversations were practically mechanized for them, born out of routine, but it was still comforting to know they could trust one another. After answering, Laura's eyes tried to escape Jen's gaze in shyness. Upon seeing her wife's dismissive attitude, Jen felt like Laura just didn't want to talk at all. This upset her some, after all, if she had discovered anything in the past week it was that their marriage was in desperate need of a change, and that a serious talk was long overdue.

Jen got off the bed and headed to their shared walk in closet that led to the bathroom. Along the way, she picked up her wife's clothes as well as her own robe from the floor. She spoke to Laura on the bed as she did this, trying but failing at her attempt to hide her growing frustration, "So you still find me attractive, but won't have sex with me. You say it's because you have a lot on your mind from work, but when I ask you to talk about it you act like you just don't want to do that either." Once she had gotten all the clothes from the floor and dropped them in the laundry basket at the entrance to their closet she went inside to get into her pajamas. Laura just got under the covers, still naked, when she heard Jen from inside the closet, "am I supposed to just be okay with all this and pretend we didn't just spend the better part of a month apart?"

Laura didn't respond, she just looked down at her hands and nervously played with her fingers like a child being scolded. She knew Jen had a right to be mad. She'd really outdone herself tonight and they didn't even finish having sex, who knows what else she had prepared. At the same time, Laura knew that Jen's anger would eventually go away, it had to; on the other hand, if she knew the truth then Jen would be disappointed, and that doesn't just disappear. So Laura didn't want to say anything that could betray her and opted to remain quiet. When Jen came out of the closet she was not only wearing her pajamas, which consisted of a plain white cotton top and red capri pants, but she was also holding a tray of food with the dinner she had prepared for Laura.

"Here, I'm sure you didn't eat any of the airport food that you hate," the blonde said while trying to sound angry as she placed the tray on her wife's lap.

"Thank you," Laura muttered so low that Jen couldn't even hear her. Laura saw the food on the tray looked delicious and it seemed to still be warm despite having been hidden in the closet for so long. On the tray there was also an envelope with a heart shaped seal that Jen was quick to take out of Laura's reach and put away by her nightstand.

Laura started to eat. She was a bit uncomfortable, especially since she knew she was naked under the covers but she really was starving and Jen's cooking always made her stomach rumble. Now that sex was definitely out of her mind, she realized how famished she was.

Jen got into the bed from her side and leaned on the headboard as she contemplated just going to sleep and pretended like she didn't care about their marriage, as they had done before. Something was different tonight though and she eventually spoke as if she was continuing a conversation, "So, what are we going to do about it?"

Laura was a bit caught off guard by the question. She stopped eating for a second to answer, truly not knowing exactly what Jen was talking about, "What are we going to do about what?"

"Look, I understand you don't want to talk about what's bothering you, but you can't deny our marriage is in desperate need of attention," Jen said with a hint of irony in her tone, "So at least give me this and let's talk about it, because it is definitely troubling ME," she finalized with emphasis on the last word.

"Okay baby, let's talk about it," Laura started in a soothing voice, "What is it that is troubling you about our marriage?"

Jen rolled her eyes at her wife, knowing full well Laura was being condescending to avoid confrontation, "Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, you know precisely what I mean", Jen's voice seem to get more frustrated as she spoke on, "We barely even talk anymore, unless it's part of our routine 'conversations'," she started with a mock of her hands at the last word, " We almost don't have sex anymore, we don't even cuddle in bed at all. It's like we don't care about each other anymore."

Laura listened to her wife's words knowing everything she was saying was true. She finished eating, put her tray away and set her gaze directly towards a blank space on the wall as her mind wandered and she said, "Remember how it was before the wedding? We could barely keep our hands off each other enough to get anything done."

"Even after the wedding, we never even finished furnishing our last apartment before coming here because we were to busy having sex all the time," Jen said with a look of longing in her eyes, that faded as she carried on, "Now we only have time for sex once a month and we both act like that is already too much. I can't even get you wet enough for me anymore."

Laura looked to her right and saw a single tear streaming down Jen's cheek. She reached out to take Jen's hand and said, "Jen, I'm sorry, it wasn't about you, you know I love you more than anything."

"We said we wouldn't talk about tonight, I'm sorry I brought it up," Jen said quickly as if trying to correct herself, "But how am I supposed to know you love, we just don't show it anymore, myself included. It's like every aspect of our relationship is slowly dying and we can't seem to do anything to stop it. I don't even understand what it is, I mean, is it because of our careers?"

Laura gulped at the question and forced herself to answer truthfully, "Honey we both love what we do, and we love each other more because of our dedication to our careers, I'm sure that is not it."

"Well, then if that's not it, is it a problem of communication? Maybe we just aren't talking to each other enough."

Laura knew was sure their problems had a lot to do with the way they communicated with each other, but felt reluctant to fully admit it after refusing to talk about what was troubling her. How could she admit to losing her job after they'd agreed they loved each other more because of their dedication to their respective careers. She eventually just answered, "Well, we could certainly use a lot of help in the communication department and maybe our relationship could improve if we were better at it, but I fail to see how that could improve our sex lives." She was trying to lead the conversation away from anything that would have her confess to the events of the day.

"So it is about sex!" Jen was quick to exclaim. "I knew it, I'm just not good enough for you," she said loudly, though it was clear she wasn't accusing Laura. If anything, it was as if she was reprimanding herself.

"Baby you are good enough, it is not-" but Laura was interrupted once again.

"It has to be, I mean, we have discarded everything else. It's alright, this should be easier to solve. If the main issue had been our careers or communication then it would be much harder to handle, but now it is all clear," Jen spoke rapidly, as if she was just thinking out loud, "I'm boring in bed and that is hurting our marriage so I'll just have to change that."

Laura had been trying to convince Jen it wasn't her fault, but was now genuinely curious to see where her wife was going with all this, "What do you mean 'change that'?"

"I mean you have told me some of the sexual things that you wanted to try and I turned you down on most of them," Jen answered with a hint of guilt that Laura didn't pick up on, "I think we should revisit those fantasies."

Laura's eyes immediately widened in surprise and her face could not hide her excitement. She already thought Jen was the sexiest woman on earth and now she might agree to help her fulfill some of her fantasies, "Are you being serious Jen?"

"I mean, I'm not saying I'm ready to do everything, but I will admit that I too have some fantasies that align with yours, so maybe we could start there," Jen responded.

"You have fantasies? Like actual sexual fantasies?" Laura asked, surprised. She didn't mean anything wrong by it, it was just that Jen always tried to act so innocent that it was a shock to have her finally admit to having dirty thoughts. If anything, it turned Laura on to think of a wilder side of Jen.

But Jen didn't realize her wife thought this was hot, so she just answered offended, "Of course I do, is it so hard for you to think of me as a woman with sexual needs and desires."

"Of course not baby. I actually love it that you're willing to share this side of you with me," Laura responded while looking into Jen's green eyes.

"Thanks babe, I'm sorry I snapped, it's just hard to be so vulnerable about this," Jen said with a much softer tone in her voice.

"That's okay sweetie, I understand. But you don't have to feel that way, I'm not going to judge you," Laura reassured her before asking, "So, what exactly do you have in mind?"

"Well I've actually been thinking about it for a while and was wondering, what do you think about open marriages?" Jen finally said, looking away as she finished speaking and the shyness came back.

"An open marriage, you mean like the threesome I proposed after college?" Laura asked, with some shock regarding the particular fantasy her wife had come up with.

"Yeah, it could be a threesome. Though I also meant us sleeping with other people. Sometimes doing it together and sometimes...," Jen's voice trailed off for a second as she doubted if she should carry on, "Well sometimes we could do it by ourselves. Perhaps even swap partners with another couple."

Laura was still quite shook. She had considered the possibility of swinging, but usually when she thought of that sort of thing, her main focus was on Jen's feelings, because she knew her wife could be a jealous woman (or did she really know it?). The fact of the matter is, Laura had not truly considered how she would feel about her wife making love to another woman. She was pretty sure she could handle it. Laura wasn't the jealous type when it came to Jen and other girls. Then again, Jen had never been with another girl before they got together in college so maybe that was influencing her thoughts, it might be different if Jen actually had sex with someone else. Nevertheless, the idea had always appealed to Laura and seeing Jen finally opening up about her sexual desires was the last push she needed to decide.

"Well... we do know some pretty freaky lesbian couples, perhaps one of them might want to set something up," Laura said, smiling at her blonde wife.

"Are we really talking about this?" Jen asked both Laura and herself.

"I'd say we've mostly agreed on it already baby," Laura responded with a chuckle.

"Okay, but we really should talk more about this don't we?" Jen asked nervously, her hands almost shaking, "I mean, we are doing this for our marriage, so it wouldn't make sense to do anything that might jeopardize our relationship."

Regaining composure, Laura complemented, "I agree, it is important that we see eye to eye on this matter as we get more into it." They both sat silently for a couple of minutes, as they contemplated what they wanted to contribute to the discussion. Finally, it was Laura who broke the silence, "Okay, I think we should first establish some ground rules. Like guidelines that will allow us to traverse some tricky situations."

Jen had been reading extensively on the subject during the last days and was familiar with the concept of said ground rules, "Sounds good to me, we should each know what we are both comfortable with," Jen responded as her demeanor turned more serious, "However, I also think we shouldn't over do it at the moment. The reason we are doing this is because we think it will bring something new and exciting to our marriage, so we wouldn't want to create a sexual taxonomy of all of our desires beforehand. Let's try to focus on the most important things and play the rest by ear, crossing the bridges together as we get there. That way, we should also be able to improve our communication with one another, it'll be essential for this to work."

"I understand what you mean, honey, and I agree. Do you have any rules that you would like to propose?" Laura asked as she gave Jen an inquisitive look.

"I do. First off, I think it is important that we do this together for the first time. It could be a threesome with a woman we both like, that would make it easy. And I'm trying to be more open so I'm not saying it will never happen but I wouldn't be comfortable with anything larger than a threesome so I don't think we should start there. However it could maybe be with another couple. We could do a partner swap and we wouldn't need to be in the same bed or even in the same room together. Just knowing we are both having the experience at the same time would be enough." Jen finished and looked expectantly at Laura.

"I think that's a great idea, we should do it together for the first time, however form that takes," Laura responded with a reassuring smile at her wife, "I have another two, one of them I think will be essential. First is that we should only do stuff with people we trust, or at least who we know are safe. We wouldn't want to bring any diseases home with us." Jen immediately nodded in agreement upon hearing Laura.

"Second, I think we should always let each other know about what we do. What I mean is not doing anything behind the other's back. Even if we are away on a trip or something, we should make an effort to let the other know if there is someone we want to be with and get consent," Laura said firmly, before she remembered how Jealous Jen could get and added, "I know we might not want to hear all the details about every single thing we do, so it is not mandatory to listen to everything if we don't want to."

Jen thought about telling Laura that she might actually want to hear about what she did with other women, but ultimately decided against it and simply nodded in agreement.

Jen got another idea as she listened to her wife's rules and eventually built upon them, "I think our consent is a key factor here as well. We shouldn't be with someone that makes the other one feel uncomfortable. For example, I might not want you doing anything at all with Allie." Allie was Jen's best friend, she didn't live in New York but they had met each other when they were 7 years old and had successfully kept in touch with each other through the years.

"Fair enough. I don't think we will have any problem with that rule." Laura said truthfully. "What about sleeping with someone more than once? How do you feel about it?"

Jen thought about it for a few seconds but quickly decided, "I think it is okay, if this works out then we should want to do it more than once. However, I think we are of the same mind when it comes to romantic involvement. I say that if it ever appears like we might be falling for someone else, then we should break it off with them and let the other know."

"Of course, our marriage is the most important thing and it is the reason we are doing this in the first place." Laura immediately concluded.

"Is there anything else we should discuss?" Jen asked while thinking about it herself.

"I think we have covered everything we could up to this point. Though we should be willing to discuss the rules at any time in case there is a need to alter any or add something."

"Perfect," Jen said happily as she reached out to give her wife a loving kiss. There was little list in the kiss, but all the love they had for one another. "Now, I don't mean to be a party pooper but I am really tired. Why don't you go get ready for bed so I can cuddle with you."

Laura smiled widely, "I will."

It was well past midnight and Laura was also aching to go to sleep. Still, she went into the dressing room and came out moments later with a long deep blue nightgown. She smiled at Jen, who just said in a needy voice, "We can talk more about everything tomorrow, for now I just need you to come hold me to sleep."