Moon Witch Ch. 13

"I'll keep talking, then." I wrack my brains for something to talk about and distract her. But the silence stretches on and I still don't know what I can talk about. I decide to just start talking and at some point I'd stumble on something to talk about.

"Remember I told you about my love for Sorrean rabbits? When I was living here with my aunt, there were a lot of things that I liked about Sorrea. For one, it's always so beautiful. There are so many trees here, and even though it rains nonstop every autumn, I've always thought the warmth of the spring was the perfect temperature for me.

"One of the things I liked the most was going to school, though. Of course we have small schools in Gra'marah, but Sorreans do things differently. At first my aunt was against sending me to school, because she knew that I was going to be picked on. I know I look different from the other kids. And a lot of Sorreans look down on people from the desert tribes. At the time, my Sorrean was pretty bad, too, and I spoke with a really bad Gra'marian accent.

"So when I got to school, there was a little band of shits that thought really highly of themselves. I still remember the boy's name, it was Petr." A smile surfaces at the thought that I still recall it. At this point, we're arriving at the little building, so I pull the door open and usher Selene in. She sits, looking at me blankly while I talk and busy myself with tidying things up and lighting the fireplace.

"Petr and a couple of his friends, they were bigger than everyone else. They thought they were real tough. When I was younger and living in Gra'marah, I was always smaller than the other boys my age. But suddenly, in Sorrea, I was one of the bigger ones. I don't know if Petr just wanted to bully me because I was Gra'marian or if he just thought it would be fun and easy to push me around, but he didn't know that in Gra'marah, part of our children's education includes hand to hand combat.

"I don't mean to brag too much, but even as a kid I was pretty fast at picking things up. I liked it, learning how to fight. And so when one day after school they tried to chase me down, I like to think I did pretty well defending myself. Even if it was the three of them versus just one of me, at this point I was basically trained to fight for a couple years. They didn't have a chance.

"Now ask me if they left me alone after that."

Selene is lying down on the couch, head propped up on the armrest and curled up with her knees tucked into her chest. She was staring blankly at me while I got the fire on, but now blinks and obliges me. "Did they?"

"No," I grin. "They went crying to their mommies, and I got in a hell of a lot of trouble. Why would the teacher believe the barbarian Gra'marian kid when he was the only one who walked away from the fight unscathed? They talked to my aunt, and she pulled me out of school. I remember seeing Petr and his friends a couple times after that, and they always ran away from me like they were afraid I'd run up to them and start throwing punches."

I sit on the other end of the couch, where Selene's feet are.

"That's a sad ending," she says.

"Why? I'm the one who won in the end. They were more scared of me than I was scared of them. I turned out alright even after getting kicked out of school for fighting." My train of thought is interrupted when Selene lets out a huge yawn. "Are you feeling tired enough to sleep?"

She nods. I'd been so worried about distracting her that I barely noticed how exhausted she seemed. Or maybe it was related to how blank her expression has been this entire time.

"Alright, time to sleep then. The fire's on so it should be warm enough. I'll be sleeping right here, so if you need anything throughout the night just nudge me with your foot and I'll be awake to do whatever you need." She stares down at the floor next to the couch where I indicated.

"Would you... Can you be here?" My mind goes back to weeks ago, when she gripped my arm, half-asleep, pulling me down to sleep by her side.

"You're okay with me sleeping next to you?"

"Yes. No. Maybe... Maybe just tonight. I don't know."

"Sure, okay." I try not to be too happy about her request, though it's not hard to when I'm reminded of the empty expression on her face.

"I'm so tired I feel like I could pass out now, but I can't help this feeling of... Anxiety. Inside me. I think sleeping next to you might help." She mumbles, not making eye contact with me.

"You've been doing a lot of crying today," I say lightly. There's a moment where I'm nervous I said something wrong and may have just triggered Selene to remember everything that's happened and start spiraling again, but I feel immense relief when she just gives a heartbreaking little smile in response.

"I'm starting to think that I'm cursed," she says. Her tone is just a touch lighter than before, but still I can hear the undercurrent of sorrow plaguing her voice. Her voice cracks and now the sadness that was barely perceptible crescendos as she speaks. "It almost feels like there's nothing else to live for. I've done more crying than anything for the last few days. Last time we were here together, weeks ago... That was the day that things all changed for me. I was pulled into chaos, and since then I've just been leaving behind a trail of death and destruction behind me wherever I go. But it's all still weighing on me. What if I'd never met you? What if you didn't hear about me from one of my clients in the first place? What if I hadn't helped you? Would life be different for me right now? I can't help the feeling that it must all be my fault. If I hadn't helped you, if I'd fought harder to get away, if I had done so many things differently, maybe then I'd be okay and Era would still be alive."

I think back to where everything started, and for the first time am confronted with the truth about the role I played through all of Selene's misfortunes. Hearing her lay it all out like this stings. "It's not your fault. I'm sorry, Selene. It was my fault from the beginning for taking you with me that day. I was wrong for that."

She doesn't say anything in response, but sits up and leans back.

"You're right. I... There are times when I think back to what happened that day and it haunts me. Thinking about what could have been had you never showed up that day. I'd probably have been staying here, happily building a livelihood for me and my sister. Era and I would be alone, but still... We would be happy and healthy. I want to blame you for everything that's happened."

As she speaks, I feel more and more sick to my stomach. I feel awful thinking of how much I've turned her life upside down. I feel small and pathetic, only having thought of myself from the first moment I laid eyes on Selene. The first night, she healed me and saved my life. And I repaid her by taking her into a strange land and destroying the life that she's always had.

As much as I hate to admit it, I was acting more according to my dick and the effect of her pull on me than logical reason. Morals. Ethics. Basically anything that's the bare minimum to being a decent human being.

I hate the sound of my voice, but I have to say something. "I'm sorry. Say the word, and I'll get out of your life."

Her expression tells me that it was the worst thing I could have said. I can't even put into words the way that her face changes. I can see her collapsing before my very eyes. Her voice is thick.

"That's the thing," she says, her jaw clenching as her eyes water once again. "I can't figure it out... Why the hell I can't hate you. It should be so easy. You ruined my life. But I'm drawn to you and I like your attention and I want to trust you and it... It's got me so fucked up!"

Her cheeks are red, tears now falling freely down her face and sticking to her thick lashes. Her words strike me. More than anything, hearing her curse for the first time only punctuates the turmoil that's written over her face.

I don't know what to say, and thankfully I'm spared because she goes on.

"The worst part is that I had to confront all of it when I decided to save you. I'm so angry that I don't want you to die or leave. If I think about you leaving right now, then I'm really going to be alone. I'm going to be so, so alone." She begins crying in earnest, now. "And maybe I like you more than I want to admit and I'm so utterly confused and terrified of what's in the future."

I pull her close to me, and her hands are curled up against my chest and she makes to push me away, but in response, I just hold her tighter. Her body shakes with the force of her weeping, and eventually she yields, just letting me hold her.

The thing is, I don't want her to pull away and let her see my own tears falling from my eyes. Much like her panic before affecting me, there's an influx of sorrow that threatens to overwhelm me. It clenches my heart and the guilt grips me tightly.

"I'm sorry," I just whisper into her hair, her feeling impossibly meek and defenseless in my arms. "I'm sorry."

I can only hold her and whisper my apologies, for everything that's happened and everything I've done to her.