All Comments on 'Moving Day Surprise'

Great start for a new author. It is just too short! Too much action without some foreplay or teasing going on between the two. The original description of the pizza boy as shy and not wanting to go onto the apartment was the wrong oner for a guy who just grabs her and starts eating her out with little provocation. Drag it out some. Make us want to read more. didn't give us enough time or sexy material to even start a hardon!

Keep wriring. Have fun.

PERHAPS NEXT TIME IT WILL BE A FLOWER DELIVERY MAN ....(HINT HINT ) AND OFFER YOU HIS STEM FOR YOUR LOVELY ROSEBUD.....BUT IT WAS A VERY ENGAGING STORY ....BRASH AND BOLD IS MY STYLE ,,,,TOO

It is a good start, but a good story should have multiple scenes with more description. Also it needs some character development. So try to elongate it.

im fucking the girl who wrote this!!!!!