Mr. C and the HO, HO, HOE

Mr. C and the Ho, Ho, HOE.

This story is a little different. Nothing graphic (well, not too much), but it shows what can happen even to the Man, especially at Xmas.

Mrs. C pulled into the circular drive in front of her enormous, 12,000 sq. foot home, sending snow flying. She opened the driver's door on the metallic snow white Mercedes Benz convertible, got out, slammed it closed, and strode to the front door anticipating it would open automatically for her.

She almost walked into it as it did not open. She stood there fuming, pushing on the huge door, and finally reached out and lifted the massive bronze door knocker. She let it fall, and a resounding 'boom' rewarded her. She tapped her 4" inch stiletto heel waiting for someone, and finally, a four-foot-tall fancy dress butler opened the 10-foot door.

"May I help you, Madame??," he intoned.

She barged past him and shouted, "WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??."

The major-domo gently closed the door. He turned and said, "The master is in the family room."

She turned on her heel and strode to the family room. She stopped, turned, and said, "WELL, AREN'T YOU GOING TO TAKE MY COAT???"

She stood there, and the extravagant red fleece-lined, floor-length, fur-trimmed, velvet cape-like coat disappeared.

She hesitated as she noticed that the voluminous wrap was gone. She looked down at her figure-hugging red satin sheath dress. She went from a stunning mature woman to a cheap street hooker.

"You won't need that any more, madam," intoned Jeeves.

She froze for a brief instant.

'OH, Shit,' she thought. She hurried on without the swagger and fury she had just had.

She walked into the enormous vaulted room and found a roaring fire, apparently fueled by photos of her and her husband in what would appear to be happier times.

He was sitting in his favorite comfortable armchair/throne with a glass of what she surmised was his favorite scotch. He was wearing his business attire, his heavy black boots up on a footstool, but the heavy-duty insulated coat lay draped over the back of the couch.

"You know, Vivianne, I was thinking that perhaps I was concentrating too much on business and not enough on our marriage. While tooling along on my way to Norway, I felt like something wrong was happening.

"I figured 'Why wait 'till the business trip ended to take our traditional three-month vacation to Fiji. I would swing back, get you, and take you with me.

"Ply you with spiked eggnog.

"After the business concluded, take advantage of you at forty thousand feet.

"Remember how you used to like that??"

She stared at him and knew she was in trouble.

"Unfortunately, Jeeves told me you were not available. Something about a shopping trip- to PARIS.

"France.

"NOT TEXAS!!" he roared.

She sagged into her oversized throne-like seat, which had suddenly metamorphosed into a straight-back wooden chair. The color ran out of her face, leaving the now expensive make-up looking like a peeling layer of cheap paint.

"So I activated the time stasis setting on the speed control, and the earth stopped turning at 11:57 p.m. Greenwich Mean Time, and I turned around. I probably will catch grief from Mother Nature, but I don't care.

"I accessed the locator app on your 7-G cell phone (you know, the one Nokia was developing, and you just had to have the prototype, so I pulled strings and got it for YOU??)

NOTHING'S TOO GOOD FOR THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!."

"It's amazing the clarity that the new 7-G network shows. In color. And the sound too. All recorded to the cloud.

"And company legal, too."

She crumbled and slumped forward, sobbing.

"So imagine my surprise when the ' naughty ' list alert pinged, and there was my wife, in a French hotel room, getting her ass plugged by some Casanova.

"OH, don't worry. The troll squad is taking care of this asshole, in addition to all his other orifices.

"So I activated the emergency recall setting, and I was amazed that you heard it over the noise the two of you were making.

"I guess, though, that 250 decibels would probably get your attention."

By now, she had run through the excuses- 'It was only sex; I love only you; It didn't mean anything; He seduced me; You were gone so much on business; It was a moment of weakness:

'WAIT- How about--'

"But dear, it was just a one time thing," she pleaded.

The look of disgust flooded his face.

"Please, Vivianne, do you think I'm just a simple sleigh driver?? I had I/T check the history. You hacked the naughty list over 400 times in the last 150 years. They always thought it was a glitch because it was your name deleted. Obviously, the MAN'S wife would not be naughty- except with him."

"So your magic has just about run out. I can't do anything about your age; you will start to get older from now on. But we are through; the divorce is final; I am leaving you the Southern house. It is Summer there. It won't be too bad. Also, ALL your credit cards have vanished, you no longer have a checking account, and I'm leaving you with $25,000."

She had one more shot.

She bristled and said, "I'll get a lawyer and fight this. You don't just dump me no matter who you are."

He chuckled, and his belly shook like a bowl full of jello. "Vivianne, North Pole law is indisputable. Adultery is the very definition of the naughty list. I've got all the proof I need, and I can see you've forgotten the prenup. You're toast.

"I should have realized what you were up to when that song came out many years ago, about mommy kissing Santa Clause. You had me served with that ridiculous restraining order. They threw that out of court, and the judge cautioned you to behave, for goodness sake, or you could become queen of coal futures.

"By the way, I have already picked out your replacement.

"There's a Mrs. O'Brien, lives in Palisades Park, New Jersey; a widow, age 42, two little boys, and a little girl. A little overweight, very pretty. Not beautiful like you, and usually very tired.

"But she always waits up for me with hot chocolate and cookies. More than ten years now. We just talk, but I think she's seen me look at her. But I never thought about cheating on you. Obviously, I was the only one who felt that way."

"But the Southern house........"

"Sorry, Vivianne, you brought it on yourself. Besides, It's only about 450 miles Southeast of Mc Murdo sound." He glared at her.

"YOU'LL LOVE IT!"

She broke down in tears.

"Oh, come on, Vivianne. You're only 179 years old. You've got your whole life ahead of you!!!!"

The wailing filled the house. Security came and took her away.

He picked up his coat, pulled the belt tight, and grabbed his gloves.

"JEEVES!! I'm going to work. I'll be home a little late, and I might be bringing some guests. Make up three spare bedrooms, and have some breakfast ready. You're going to have to feed two growing boys, a little girl, and their mother. Do me proud, Jeeves."

Jeeve's face split in a big grin. "A pleasure, sir. And a very, very Merry Christmas, sir!!!"

Das Ende

I was thinking about a second part, but I decided to see how this one went. After all, there are a lot of Scrooges out there.

From the tropical wastes of Montgomery County, Texas, MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HANUKKAH, and anything else I might have forgotten.