Mr. Turtle KeyHolder

Patti wasn't exactly drop-dead gorgeous. Or even particularly sexy. Just a farm girl version of a girl-next-door. But I had heard she was fun -- well, to be honest, an easy mark, especially for any classmate with a drivers license & car.

So I asked her out.

Any of the guys who had dated her said pretty much the exact same thing: You'll be so glad you did. Patti's a lot of fun.

So I of course wanted to see for myself, albeit without bothering to ask why they only remained friends with her and not steady boyfriends.

I wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Friday night came (way too slowly), and I found myself in the family's farmhouse parlor, waiting. "She'll be down in a minute."

Or more to the point, I was being interviewed. Patti's mom looked me over carefully - I was dressed nicely. Even wore a tie. (Google it.)

Thankfully, she didn't check my pockets for a condom.

Mrs A: Why do you want to go out with our daughter, young man?

Me: She's a cheerleader, and always rides our team bus. Helps get the guys all primed for action. She seems like lots of fun to be with.

Mrs A: Ok, but we have a long-time family tradition for first-dates. I hope you'll understand; we love our daughter. Just as my mother and father loved and protected me. And my grandmother & grandfather before her. It helps ensure you boys don't get too excited on the all-important first-date.

So here, quick take this to our bathroom and put it on for the evening. Just bring her home safely by midnight, no later, ok? You don't have a problem with treating girls with respect, do you?

Ugh. Why me? If the other guys had gone through this protocol, you'd have thought they would have mentioned it to me, don't you think?

"No ma'am. Not at all. What is this? Is it really necessary? I promise I will treat her with the highest respect."

"That you will, my boy. That you will. Now do as I asked."

And off I trudged to their bathroom.

We indeed did have a (mostly) fun evening. But not at all the one I had planned. Patti was either really coy about the device, or had no idea. And I sure wasn't going to bring it up.

Patti asked to go bowling instead of the movies. Sigh. But getting to watch her in front of me as she went through her bowling routine each time made it all worthwhile. It was almost a little cheer routine, short flippy skirt and all.

And me, all pressed down. Dang.

Several giggles & waves to her girlfriends who were 3 alleys away, began to make me wonder about all this. Not exactly the kind of date I had imagined as gossip fodder for school the next week.

But I just needed to get through this first date tradition thing, right?

The device served as a chronic timekeeper, just as her parents no doubt knew it would. I was even anxious to get started back to her home. And get this thing off. Wouldn't you?

We arrived well before midnight -- no fake running out of gas story, no engine trouble, no movie-got-out-late excuses. You could count on that.

In fact, I even passed up any attempt at a make out session. A perfect gentleman... in a hurry, lol... walking her quickly to the front door. Locked.

"Oh, they keep the spare key over there by the garden fountain. Check out our very real looking little turtle -- they call him a watch-turtle, lol."

Love the turtle. He also held a 2nd key, with an attached note. I quickly read it and returned to unlock the front door. She gave me a passionate goodnight kiss, brushing her hand across my belt-line as if to discover her effect. Or was it more than that? Is she trying to send me a message? My head was swimming, but clearly focused on getting back to the garden to extricate myself. Leaving the cage & its key with Mr. Turtle, I rushed to my car... before you-know-what. And peeled out.

All this under the watchful eye of Mr. Turtle. G'night Mr. Turtle. And good riddance Mr. Cage.

My car couldn't speed home fast enough. I needed to release the pressure of the most unusual evening.

I can't make it. Any cornfield would have to suffice.

***

Whew. Better now. Much better now. I could take time to reread the note:

"Hope you had a good time tonight. Just leave the cage & key with Mr. Turtle, and no one will have to know. And you will call Patti tomorrow, right? Don't let our little girl down."

Ok, no problem

***

My phone rang early the next morning. Patti. Calling me. My head was still foggy. Couldn't she wait and let me initiate the requisite followup call?

"Hey did you forget to return the door-key to Mr. Turtle last night? I heard Mom & Dad arguing outside, something about the key & Mr. Turtle."

Oh crap. In my haste with the cage & key, I forgot all about the door-key. Or even about re-locking the door.

I'll bring it right over, I promised.

"Well hurry. My mom's on her way to meet you halfway. And she's not happy."

Sure enough, midway there was her car stopped off the country road at an entrance to a cornfield. Wait. The cornfield! No way, my mind told me. The exact place I had stopped last night. Coincidence. But my heart couldn't convince me.

"You just couldn't wait last night, could you? You young guys are all alike. You think with your penis, don't you? In your haste to free yourself of the cage and go jack off, you ditched our daughter and forgot all about our family's security."

"Here! Don't call Patti til you're ready to apologize and show her some proper respect. And show us this week you're serious about personal security!"

And with that, she whirled and tossed something into the field, as if to say: "Fetch".

By the time I found the object, she was gone.

And my dilemma began. Would I put it back on for the week, voluntarily?

(to be continued).