MS. WTF?!! - REBOOTED!!

"Uh hello, and uh, sorry about what happened outside your door there, uh ma'am?" I stopped short of asking a second time whether she spoke English or not knowing Rashida didn't speak a lick of Spanish either. The blinking static look on her too cute babyface was burning a hole in me like a laser beam.

"YOU BETTER PICK UP YOUR PHONE AND STOP PLAYING WITH ME!!" Rashida bellowed distracting me as she leaned over still favoring the phone pressed against her ear. I glanced back finding the woman busy pouring what looked like yogurt into a black mug with some writing on its surface. The island counter was almost like a takeout counter as she set the cup in front of me without word still holding the pitcher.

"Oh, thanks ma'am." I gingerly picked up the mug taking a drink. My tastebuds exploded from the tasty, decidedly tropical concoction. It was cool and sharp with bits of strawberry and kiwi visibly mixed into its shake like consistency.

"This is REALLY GOOD MA'AM!! Rashida would you like a drink of this?" She waved me off still lost in her own drama which was fast embarrassing me. Ms. Sikes was the only person who knew this woman and I was clueless. I started to figure maybe this woman might be a housekeeper or something.

"Yeah, really good miss; guess I'll uh, have a seat." She just stood there looking at me in a way that made me feel like an idiot. I walked away like the village idiot with the cup in both hands like a kid planting my dumb butt next to Rashida.

"OH HELL NAW!! I KNOW YOU DIDN'T!!" I got a brief glimpse of her phone finding that Rashida Sikes was indeed corresponding with someone in real time.

It had to be her potential guy mentioned earlier. There were other concerns to be had as I tried to place a hand on my FWB's shoulder only to have it batted away. Rashida jumped up walking out the front door letting it slam loudly. She wanted to continue her drama out of view as I looked over finding the supposed housekeeper pouring herself the rest of that morning power drink. It was odd being left there with us just sitting there facing one another.

"Cheers?" I raised my mug with this overly anxious smile.

She slowly downed the cup staring at me the whole time making me uncomfortable enough to look down into my own empty mug. I thought to place it on the counter but was reticent of making any sudden movements that would alarm her. We were strangers after all. I honestly didn't know what to do next just looking at my own feet. I heard the sound of the plastic pitcher being washed out in the sink followed by the woman's heavy footfalls.

"Oh, entonces ya no sabes quién soy, ¿eh, payaso?" There was something familiar in her tone as I glanced up.

"OH MY GAWD!!" The housekeeper's big fluffy robe had been dropped to the floor at my feet.

I found myself sitting there looking at a parody of a human body, the true definition of pear shaped narrow shoulders riding down to a cinched waist flaring outward into something that made me feel like a teen again. Less than a foot away from me was the biggest peachy looking butt I'd ever seen in recent memory. This thing was sitting there looking unreal comparison in size vertically to my torso and part of my pelvis. This was beyond Rashida's own enormous badonkadunk supported by thick meaty thighs over some muscular calves and tiny feet. She even had some nice defined ankles as my eyes settled on a distinct set of tattoos.

There was a praying hands tattoo behind her right shoulder and one tramp stamp written in what I knew to be the made up Klingon language. This Spanish woman was thick, but "Dat Ass" had me shook as a chime rung in my head.

"Shawnee?"

"Oh so now you know me, huh payaso?" My eyes were as big as saucers. This was my discovery (Mrs. WTF?!!) from almost a year earlier.

"I uh, can't believe it; I didn't even recognize you." I was astonished.

"Good."

Shawnee squatted with surprising quickness snapping up her robe draping it over her shoulder with flair as she walked away with attitude. I barely noticed she was wearing a tiny sheer sports bra and seamless string thong enchanted by the tight, barely muted jiggle of her gigantic buttocks. Shawnee stopped with her hand on the handle leading to her presumed bedroom looking at me still in shock for a few seconds. Turned in profile like she was, I noticed what looked like a new pair of sloping DD breasts barely contained by her top. The door slammed again with the light on its panel going from green to red accompanied by the sound of a lock turning.

"What-the fuck?" I lightly mouthed realizing the complete body transformation that had occurred.

It was Shawnee Thompson at least two sizes and a half smaller while maintaining the partial measurements that made her one of the founding pillars of the first adult website I'd ever built. Back in the day I was directed to her by another of my models, Porsha Simms. They were acquaintances supposed friends when Shawnee, a perennial slacker at the time interested in making passive income, made the plunge. In her original form, this Puerto Rican woman had a show stopping mountain of an ass that made everyone who saw it say..."WHAT-THE-FUCK?!!"

It only made sense to christen her Ms. WTF in retrospect.

I sat there looking at the opposite wall before noticing the cup in my hand. I went into the kitchen noticing everything was brand new and cutting edge. This luxury apartment was somewhat modular this room being designed for maybe two people at most with the island counter functioning as a surrogate kitchen table. There was a white stool off to the side that I seriously doubted would hold that massive ass of Shawnee's independent of the rest of her body. The change in her appearance was that drastic that I failed to recognize a woman I'd slept with on quite a few occasions.

She'd washed the pitcher leaving it upside down in the deep double sink as I considered washing out my own cup to be a good guest. I set the mug on the kitchen counter looking over my shoulder at the adjacent living room finding a sight that made me feel like I'd accomplished nothing in my life. Shawnee Thompson had a panoramic view of the city below on one side of high paneled windows that started from the floor to the roof. The immediate opposite side of the room faced the ocean. I wandered into the white carpeted living room peering down at the beach.

"WHAT IS THIS SHIT?!!" Rashida opened the door within earshot finding the luggage still just inside. I kept looking down at the beach as she made some noise behind me.

"You're welcome; how come you didn't tell me about Shawnee?"

"I thought you'd like the surprise; well, she didn't actually want me to say anything because she wasn't gonna be here." Rashida admitted.

"So uh, we were gonna stay a weekend in her place and you'd never tell me?"

"Stop being so dramatic; I thought you were messing around and pretending you didn't know who she was. I mean, can't you recognize a woman you done ran up in too many times to count? Damn, have you been with that many girls daddy?"

"Damn, you saw her Rashida." I turned finding my muse and current running buddy going through one of her smaller hard shell totes removing a portable charger battery. I really was an afterthought in this moment as she noticed me looking.

"Hey, you good bruh? I mean, thanks for taking care of the bags. Look at the Brightside, you two have a lot of catching up to do." A pang of crippling guilt washed over me as the sound of a deadbolt being turned alerted us followed by the opening of the heavy interior door leading to the bedrooms.

Shawnee reappeared wearing a pair of baggy denim overall shorts. A white t-shirt covered her torso and I could make out the outline of a bodysuit underneath. It was an ensemble designed to lessen her considerable back porch giving one not in the know that she was just another chunky female. She wore a raw hem bucket hat also made of denim. Her appearance was tantamount to a Clark Kent level disguise as she regarded both of us focusing on Rashida.

"Hola chica, es bueno tenerte aquí el fin de semana." Shawnee greeted her warmly in her native language as my mind wandered back in time to their inaugural meeting which went over about as well as water mixed with oil could.

"Girl you know I don't speak none of that Spanish shit; come here!!" Both women ran to one another hugging in a deep embrace like they were the best of friends as I recalled talking Shawnee down from shanking Rashida on sight. Both of them had a first meeting akin to Godzilla vs Kong which made me chuckle drawing their collective attention.

"What you laughing at payaso?"

"Yeah, what's so funny?" Rashida added.

"I think hell just froze over; do I get a hug?" I gestured arms outstretched.

"Nah, I'm good." The energy in the room was different as she turned walking into the kitchen looking around noticing my uncleaned mug. Shawnee ran some water opening a cabinet for some dishwashing liquid. We watched her meticulously clean the mug noticeably setting it aside on the counter.

"Hey I ain't got no maid so you gotta clean up after yourself around here. I keep things tight in my place and if you don't like it, you can hit up that Days Inn motel homeboy. I don't clean up after no fucking man, you got it, eh?" Rashida shot me a look knowing my personality when I felt disrespected.

"Where's that Days Inn?" Shawnee turned facing me wiping her hands with a paper towel.

"Five miles away, make sure you use an uber or something because it's a little wicked over there. A lightweight like you will get tossed up by the homies down there. You can google that shit, I've gotta get ready for class if you don't mind payaso."

"That ain't my name."

"OH YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT!! YOU'RE CALLING YOURSELF UH, THE EDUCATED SIMP, RIGHT?!! Now, ain't that the truth dawg. Now if you'll excuse me, I have things to do." Shawnee walked away leaving Rashida in an uncomfortable situation as the bedroom doors closed loudly. We were left alone again as I processed things.

"Oh come on, we just got here. Shawnee just messing with your head." Rashida tugged at my arm.

"Right, I'm gonna take care of a few things; you think it's okay for me to sit on her couch here, or do I need to cop a squat on the floor in a corner?"

"I think you guys should work it out." Rashida advised.

"I don't feel like working it out." I got my phone out following Shawnee's advice googling that shit as she advised. My running buddy and current FWB was at an obvious loss for words as the door opened again with Shawnee sticking her head out.

"Hey puta, come on back here so I can get you set up in your room before I go." Shawnee sounded light and friendly when talking to Rashida who looked at me like I was being left out of reindeer games or something. I watched her slowly join Shawnee at the end of the corridor. The former Ms. WTF took Rashida's luggage inside what was to be a shared space leaving me standing there alone as the door slammed.

"Okay then, I'm gonna get this show on the road." I muttered to myself finding the motel online making a discounted reservation. I could hear the muffled talk and spirited laughter coming from the other side of the door as the women got along famously. I huffed making a mental note to book a separate flight home independent of Rashida Sikes. I angrily gathered up my things unlocking the door getting a robotic voice from what I assumed was Shawnee's security system.

[DOOR OPEN!] was followed by three loud chimes similar to the one I heard upon entering the apartment. Shawnee cracked the door staring at me with this static expression which made me determined to "grey rock" the living shit out of her for the last few remaining seconds of our all too and thankfully brief reunion.

"Heading out payaso?" This time I had time to gather my wits calling up some bare bones Spanish I remembered from days long past.

"Sí, me voy de aquí, culo gordo. Que tengas una buena vida." I insulted in acidic fashion with a hand on the door handle.

Shawnee surprisingly chuckled instead of responding in kind opening the door wider. I saw Rashida standing behind her a few feet away in what appeared to be her guest bedroom. The apartment was weirdly designed making this portion of the home almost a separate living space. Shawnee leaned against the door arms folded.

"Hey, can you do me a favor before you leave?"

I was incredulous at the question considering her demeanor as Rashida got out of her clothes revealing this skimpy hot pink thong as the sole piece of underwear on her body. I wondered if it was a thirst trap designed to intentionally open my nose and make me amenable to taking more abuse from the women, Shawnee in particular.

"Are you kidding, I'm out."

"I'll pay you man, and then you can tuck your tail between those narrow ass cheeks and run off to put a Band-Aid on your fucking ego. So, are uh, you gonna listen to your bruised pride or make a few dollars payaso?"

This was Shawnee Thompson more brash and in your face than I'd ever experienced. I got a little flash of it when our relationship went the way of the dinosaur almost a year earlier. She'd accused me of exploiting her after becoming a part of my enemy's inner circle albeit at great personal and mental cost. I suspected the reason for her attitude towards me but decided to get some of her money anyway.

"What do you want?" I tried to sound tough.

"Oh, right I've got a lot of packages coming today and uh, I need to run some errands besides going to class. Can you hang out here for a hot minute and gather them up for me hon?" I'm sure I reacted facially doing a double take.

"Serious?"

"Yeah, what'd you expect? I've got a little heat with management so we decided I could get my packages up here instead of downstairs at the front desk like everybody else. I just need somebody to put the shit inside my place while I'm out. Can you, do that for me?" There was a condescending tone in her voice wholly intentional.

"Sure."

"GOODIE, HEY COME ON RASHIDA; HE'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF THE PACKAGES!!" I glanced over Shawnee's shoulder seeing Rashida wearing a modest sundress checking her satchel bag. She seemed to feel me looking responding with an anxious smile acknowledging the tension.

Both women pushed past me. Shawnee was wearing some crew socks and timberlands completing her a rugged street look. Rashida bumped me as she passed stopping long enough to give me a peck on the cheek.

"I'll talk to her about stuff, okay?"

"Don't, leave her alone." To show there was no real animosity between us, I palmed Rashida's sixty plus inches of online fame.

"You keep my head blown up." Rashida smiled giving my cheek a pinch as Shawnee walked down the corridor without looking back.

"We still doing it Rashida?"

"If you don't get up in your feelings and fly home tonight." She knew me well walking down the corridor towards the elevator where Shawnee stood waiting.

"Bitch."

I pushed the door closed noticing I'd been left without the access key realizing my stomach was grumbling. My eyes settled on the door leading to the compartmentalized bedrooms and the fact I had no way of getting inside to use the bathroom. I started to panic considering running after them, but Shawnee and Rashida had to be at least at the foot of the building if they used the elevator. Going after them would leave me locked out at the mercy of an unfamiliar environment. I dialed up Rashida going straight to voicemail a few times before I realized she was probably on her phone or had turned it off. I didn't have Shawnee's number.

"Shit."

I looked about scratching my head noticing what looked like a utility closet with a small knob shaped door handle that looked made for a small kid. I had a bit of difficulty turning it but found myself looking at an extremely cramped bathroom consisting of a toilet right in front of the door, an undersized sink and standup shower with no curtain. In fact it looked more suitable for a janitor to fill his mop bucket than for a person's use.

"Thank god for small favors." I walked back to the kitchen fishing out my phone again dialing up a friend.

"Wow I'm flattered, unless this is just some friendship clout chasing; if it is I'll have you know my immediate family is keeping me suitably occupied."

"I didn't call for no attitude; I'll tell you that much."

"WHAT'S WRONG?!! SOMEBODY MESSING WITH YOU?!!" Phoebe's instant aggressive tone was a godsend to my ego.

"No, just wanted to uh, hear your voice."

"Oh yeah, well hit me up on facetime." Phoebe challenged in maternal fashion.

"Why I gotta do that?"

"HIT ME UP ON FACETIME, RIGHT NOW!!" Phoebe shouted making me capitulate quickly as I tried to check my expression.

She was currently on the west coast visiting with her family for the last few months of her pregnancy after having a rough time of things at home with her closeted husband Oliver and unfortunate baby daddy Bentley. That guy couldn't catch a break post cheating on my friend. We'd managed to convince Oliver I wasn't the baby' daddy which left him now in pursuit of Bentley with threats of child support court and a possible alienation of affection suite if he didn't make good with the wife, his best friend and lifetime beard. In short, Bentley was screwed.

"YEP! Somebody's fucking with you alright; and don't ask me how I know because whenever somebody ruffles your feathers I get that look." Phoebe appeared on the face of my phone apparently sitting in her old bedroom from the look of things. She was wearing this top or dress which looked like some flowery smock I beautician would wear.

"What look?"

"Sad puppy dog, hangdog slack chin with a drippy smile which tells me one of your lady friends is being difficult. Alright who is it this time and hurry up before my dad intrudes on my boudoir with his walker. He'd going into Alzheimer's but the part of him that was smothering seem untouched."

"PHOEBE!!"

"Sorry, hormones all over the place and a unyielding sense of ickiness about me. Honestly I should've got you over before I got on the plane, fuck what those doctors say. Now I'm lacking sexually speaking, and you know how ridiculously horny I get now. Well, I met a nice fella down at the corner store, but I don't think I can make the hard sell. Not a lot of guys are into uh, pregnant cougars still holding a bun in the oven. At least not the normal ones, just a bunch of creeps."

"Oh wow, tell me more Phoebe." I dead panned as she unconsciously ranted.

"Well maybe I can wing it a little, you know like, flash the cleavage and stuff. I mean, he's been kind of checking me out when I went in there with my cousin the other day. I know if I get his cock in my mouth then it's a wrap. He'll plow the shit out of me and we can be. Like really careful. He'd be my second Latin guy. My late boyfriend was uhm, my first...Ah shit, the memories are coming back. Damn, my tits are so swollen right now. I wish you could suck'em for me."

"Phoebe I've got another female mad at me for supposedly abandoning her. But it's different this time because she turned on me first and goddamn Rashida knew that, but she still tricked me into flying out to Miami!" Nagging sanity dictated I interrupt her scatterbrained ranting.

"Did you screw her too?"

"It's Ms. WTF."

"OH THAT GIRL WITH THE MONSTER BOOTY, IS THAT RIGHT?!! I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME SHE DISAPPEARED?!!" An avid viewer of my adult site especially these days, Phoebe knew exactly who I was talking about. We both knew she was on orders to keep it down with the sexual activity after we'd spent a weekend doing everything under the sun and testing boundaries that would've had me assaulted by any normal respectable person not in the know.

"She's uh, quite different these days; hey you remember this old movie called Seconds?" Like myself, Phoebe was a connoisseur of old movies and television shows.