Mutual Benefits Ch. 17

Taylor gave that confused smile-laugh popular girls gave when they were flattered but uncomfortable. "No, it's okay Kevin, but, uh, thanks?" she offered.

"I get it. Context-specific," he replied, touching his nose twice. "Alright, I'll butt out, but, uh, Tay, if I can call you Tay, if you ever need a guy on your side, I'm there." He went back to wiping the countertops. "Just wanted to say that. School was school, but, you're alright. You're cool."

Taylor's look was now just a smile. "Uh, thanks, Kevin. You're cool too," she slowly said. She turned to me and asked, "So like, can I come in?"

I looked towards my room. "Ironically, we might have more privacy outside," I told her. "No offense, Kev."

"I get it, I get it," he replied from behind me.

"Uh, sure, yeah," Taylor mumbled, already moving out of the apartment. "Sorry again."

I walked out with her and shut the door behind me. "No, no, it's cool, we seem... cool, yeah?"

She gave a soft chuckle. "Yes Quinn, we're cool."

"Okay," I replied. Both of us got in the elevator and I pressed the button. When the doors closed, I couldn't resist. "Is there some kind of... trouble?"

"No, but, like, why did your mom call me your 'not-girlfriend?'"

"Oh." I turned pink. "Um, so, English isn't her first language, and she gets confused about names and what they mean in English, since in Chinese, we have a system called, uh, wǒ shì piànzi, which is like who people aren't as opposed to who they are..."

"Oh. Okay," she replied, thankfully buying it. "Yeah, no trouble, I just wanted to talk. As friends."

"As friends," I repeated, the elevator door opening. "Okay." We began to walk out, and I gestured towards the front of the building. "There's a bench outside if you want. How private exactly does this need to be?"

"Um..." she trailed off. "I guess, like, not that private. Sure, a bench can work."

"Thanks, by the way," I awkwardly added. It was like the entire last four-to-five months were erased whenever I talked to her, like I was just a lowly nerd that didn't know how to talk again.

"Thanks?" she replied inquisitively. "For what?"

"The ticket. It, uh, w-was really nice of you."

She flashed me a smile. "Oh, you're welcome," she warmly said. "I mean, it seemed like it would be fun for you to come along. I'm glad you did." She let a pause float between us. "I bet Morgan was glad too."

We sat down on the bench. "I meant to ask, why wasn't Joel there? I mean, if I was there because I was Morgan's boyfriend, why wasn't your boyfriend there?"

Taylor winced, like she was in pain. "Ouch," she simply said.

"What?"

"So, uh, I came here to tell you that me and Joel broke up."

"Oh. Oh, no. I'm really sorry, Taylor."

She sighed, looking away. "Yeah, like, I'm sorry too," she replied shakily. "It's probably dumb because... because of everything you heard and saw, but... it still hurts."

"Y-yeah," I replied awkwardly, not knowing what to say. I did get it. When Taylor was refusing to talk to me, it hurt too, kind of like a breakup. It felt like I didn't want her gone, even if it was right after I discovered all of the stuff Taylor did. The bad stuff.

She turned back to me. "Couldn't you figure it out?" She gave me a weak smile. "Gifted kid."

"No, I haven't even talked to him since that one house party, the one where Morgan and I... you know."

"Yeah, I remember," she softly replied. "Uh, congrats."

"Well, I mean, we did talk afterwards about it..." I trailed off.

She gave me a confused expression. "Uh, no we didn't..." she replied in a weirded out tone.

My face slightly scrunched up as I remembered that it was a fucking dream. "Oh, uh, I'm thinking of something else," I lied. "Anyway, I didn't talk to him. For a while, I was, uh... I was... too s-scared to talk to you."

"Too scared, huh?" she asked.

"Let's... not. This should be about you. Anyway, there was no way I could have known."

"You went to Beach Day, didn't you?" she asked.

"Um, yeah, but guys were separated from girls. I never even saw you two talk. I guess that would be weird in other situations, but..."

"Quinn, what happens on Beach Day?"

It was my turn to give her a weird look. "Um, people go to the beach. During the day."

"What kinds of traditions happen on Beach Day, Quinn?"

My confused look intensified until what she was saying clicked. Any couple that was still together by beach day went to the change rooms together. Morgan and I were the only ones that were prompted. "Oh..." I practically moaned in realization.

"Yup," she replied sadly.

"B-but, he drove you! And nothing was wrong!"

"Nothing seemed wrong," she corrected me. "We weren't, like, doing great, but we were still together by the time he arrived. And by the time we left... fuckin' nope." She let out a sigh.

"Then why did Abby tease Morgan but not you?"

"Honestly? Abby was probably the one that convinced him to fuckin' end it," she replied, her tone clearly reflecting what she thought of Abby. "I'm actually kinda relieved we didn't have to do it, but still, what a fuckin'... what a fuckin' insult."

"I'm sorry, Taylor," I replied slowly.

She gave another sigh. A shorter one, the kind you give to hold back tears. "Yeah," she eventually replied. "I dunno why I stayed with him so long. I just... wanted him to care. I wanted him to care so bad that I thought that, like, if I stayed, maybe he'd start." She looked at me. "You know? Like, if he spent enough time around me, maybe he would start to want to care. Like I mattered more because I was at least around for more of his life or something. I bet Abby just wanted him for herself."

"I don't think we can pin this one one person other than Joel himself," I thought out loud.

She stared daggers at me. "Quinn, you knew, like, nothing about their situation. You met Abby on Beach Day. You don't get to talk down to me for how I see her."

I chewed on my lip. "Okay, yeah, that's fair," I conceded. "So, how can I help this? I mean, you break up, and you want to see me?"

"I just wanted us to, like, talk this over. As friends, I dunno," she replied.

"Uh..." I didn't know how to reply further.

"What?" she asked.

"I don't know how to reply to that without getting you angry," I uneasily replied.

"Wait, say it."

"No," I asserted. "Seeing you angry is scary, and I don't want to experience that again."

"Well, even saying what you said made me kind of upset, so like, may as well say the whole thing," she replied.

I sighed. This had better not turn into drama. "Well, when we first started talking, like, more than tutoring, it nearly instantly became sexual, even while you were in a relationship, and then after things boiled over, I felt like you... dropped me. Like anything aside from sexual stuff wasn't important to you. I felt disposable, and I kind of felt hurt and abandoned when you stopped talking to me. There wasn't really much of a friendship there to begin with."

"I-!" Taylor began, and I instinctively moved back on the bench and winced.

Her face didn't change from her angry expression, but she paused. "You look like I'm about to eat your face or something," she said with an even tone, keeping her angry expression.

"I like having my face," I feebly replied.

She softened her face and closed her eyes, keeping them closed. "I'm disappointed that you choose to see it that way," she said slowly. "We both made mistakes, didn't we? Your story seems to be all about mine."

"...What's your story?" I asked.

She opened her eyes. "We got too into things together and I did what had to be done to make sure everything didn't, like, explode. And yeah, it meant cutting you off for a bit. But I'm here now. I, like, bought your ticket, didn't I?"

"Don't bring up buying something I didn't ask you to buy like you're holding it over me, that's not fair," I protested, albeit with a weak voice.

She looked at me for a bit. "I didn't come here to argue with you," she said finally. "Shit happened but I'm here now. I'm your... I want to say I'm your friend. Okay?"

I stayed silent. "What, do you not trust me or something?" she asked.

"I mean..."

A beat of silence passed between us. "What do you think is the, like, worst thing that could happen if you say 'okay, Taylor, you're my friend?' I mean, according to your worldview, a popular girl like me couldn't want to be your friend anyway."

Despite the dig, I smiled. "It turns out things are a bit more complicated than that," I gingerly admitted. "Popular and not weren't just binary values. Who knew?"

"I did, dummy," she replied with her own smile. "I mean, I don't know what 'binary' is, but like, yeah, of course it's not that simple."

"Well, you're right. And I'm glad you are. I couldn't be with Morgan if the world was how I thought it was."

"Yeah, with Morgan..." she slowly repeated. "Can I ask, what's the deal with you and Lexi?"

I played it cool. "What do you mean?" I asked with faux confusion.

"Why are you fucking her if you're with Morgan?" Taylor asked point-blank.

My facial expression definitely gave me away. I opened my mouth to speak, but chewed on my words a little longer. I ran my tongue over my teeth and opened my mouth again. "It just came up, and it came up from Morgan first. I'm, uh, bad at saying no, and I think I have an impulse-control problem."

"Can I get a definition?" she asked.

"I'm bad at holding back. I like sex, Lexi's fun, so even though a part of me doesn't want it, I just... y'know, end up doing it."

"Wow," Taylor replied, both impressed and disappointed in my response. "Thank fuck you're in an open relationship. I mean, like, I guess you're like most guys, but at least most guys lie to themselves about it."

"Hey, truth be told, I kind of want to close it. I know Morgan is open, but a part of me feels wrong doing it. I keep doing it anyway, which is another reason I just don't want my girlfriend giving me the option, you know?"

Taylor slowly gave me a smile. "You know what? Good for you, Quinn," she said. "I'm sorry I keep, like, putting pressure on you or whatever." A beat of silence passed. "I'm, uh, sorry for a lot of stuff I do."

"Huh?"

"I'm just... sorry. I feel like if I was better, a lot of this shit wouldn't have happened."

"Come on, Taylor, don't give me that," I replied. "I agree, it wouldn't have. And I would have just been the same loser wishing he could start living his life."

She looked away, off towards the sky, and looked back. When she looked back, her eyes were misty. "I feel like I hurt people a lot, Quinn," she told me quietly. "I feel like I don't know how to give people what they need."

Taylor came over here talking about how she was broken up with and I still made it about me. I felt like slapping myself. I grabbed her hand in both of mine and looked intently at her. "Taylor, I'm sorry too. I'm being selfish. I'm sorry you're hurting, and if Joel can't see what a good person you are, well, that's his loss."

Her eyes just welled up more. "If I'm a good person, why can't you even accept me as your friend?" she asked, hurt.

The spell was broken and I looked away. Damn, I really double-talked there, and she had me. Turning back, I hesitated. "Because... we had our own troubles. I'm sorry, I keep getting wrapped up in my own mind. You need a friend right now. You need a friend. I was just being defensive, like always. Of course I'll be your friend, Taylor. I'm sorry."

"You don't want to be my friend, Quinn," she replied sadly.

"I don't... want drama, that's all," I replied, searching myself for the best words. "Like I said, defensive. This kind of stuff never happened to me before. I'm worried more stuff will blow up in my face."

"So do you want me to... what? Be your friend, be, like, a background character, have sex with you, leave you alone...?"

"I think I just want... fuck, I don't know. I just wish some stuff we did never happened."

I caught her hurt expression and added, "I'm bad with words. I'm glad I met you, Taylor. I'm sorry, I'm clearly making this worse."

"No, no," she replied. "This clearly has, like, been a long time coming, hasn't it?"

"I guess," I replied uneasily.

"Maybe words aren't what we need right now," she added.

I looked at her but said nothing. She looked at me, then scooted her butt over next to mine and slowly rested her head on my shoulder.

"Um, what...?" I asked.

"Don't worry," she replied calmly. "This is a thing friends do."

"...Okay," I admitted, then leaned my head against hers. Eventually, my arm was around her shoulder. Minutes went by. At one point, Taylor started crying, and turned into my shoulder. I let her cry and supportively rubbed her back as she got the tears out. Once the tears were out, she resumed her place with her head on my shoulder.

She tried to say something, but after the cry, it got stuck in her throat. She cleared her throat and said, "Fuck Joel."

"Fuck Joel," I repeated. "You deserve better."

"You deserve better than the shit I put you through too," she said sadly.

I turned to her and smiled. "I guess that makes us even with the stuff I did."

She smiled back, even if her smile told me she didn't believe me.

"I kept obsessing over whether people deserved to stay together or be friends or whatever," I thought out loud. "I'm bad at just thinking about what I want instead of what I deserve, or 'should do,' or something."

"I think I have the opposite problem," Taylor admitted, looking up at me, her head still on my shoulder.

"We're a good match," I admitted, smiling at her, her eyes inches from mine. Out of nowhere, as if to punctuate what I said, I leaned my head down and kissed her forehead.

We both reacted instantly, giving each other a look. I knew the look I was giving her: shock and fear. I had no clue why I just did that, and I felt like I couldn't move another inch. Taylor didn't react with disgust, or even anything negative, more like a weird curiosity.

"That's not really something friends do..." she murmured, not moving from her place on my shoulder.

"I know, I'm really sorry, I don't know what I was thinking," I blurted out.

Taylor let me finish, then shook her head gently. "No no, don't worry. I'm, uh, not saying it's not okay," she softly replied. "I liked it," she quietly added.

"We shouldn't have done it," I admitted uneasily.

"Why not?" she asked. "I'm single, and you're allowed to have sex with other girls."

"Other girls in the friend group," I corrected her.

She looked up at me and smiled. "I'm in the friend group," she reminded me. "And, like... it's nice to feel wanted."

I stared at her, and could feel an uneasy smile slowly grow on my face. Before I knew it, Taylor had wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me on the lips. It wasn't a long kiss, but it was definitely one of those. My eyes were closing on my own. It felt good.

"We definitely suck at this whole 'no sex, just being friends' thing," I joked breathily.

"We're so bad at it," Taylor agreed with a smile. "We definitely should, like, stop now though."

"Yeah, we should," I admitted, though we gave each other another kiss before we got up from the bench. "I will, uh, tell Morgan about this, just for the record."

"It doesn't sound like we broke any rules, Quinn," she told me.

"Yeah, but I'd never want to hide anything from my girlfriend," I said. "This is new stuff and I never want her to feel betrayed."

She shook her head slightly. "Not, like, throwing shade on Morgan, but she really doesn't deserve you, you know that?"

Remembering earlier how I didn't know enough about her Abby story, I decided to not interrogate that claim and just shrug. "Like I said, who cares about 'deserve?' I just know she and I both like each other." I turned away, then turned back. "So, uh, what is this?" I gestured to the two of us.

It was her turn to shrug. "How about you talk to Morgan then we can see?" she asked, almost shyly. "I mean, if even Lexi is getting to-" She stopped, then thought about what she said, then faced me with a different expression. "If Morgan says okay, we can talk about what you want, and go from there," she said, with a new tone. "I just want to, you know, make you feel good too."

"You're sweet," I said with a slight laugh.

"I'm really not. But I want to be." She smiled again. "I think you bring out the better in people, Quinn."

"Are you going to be okay?" I asked.

"I mean, no?" she replied with a shrug. "That's what breakups do. Give me time."

I nodded solemnly, and reflected. There wasn't a single doubt in my mind that once I went back inside, I'd regret what I did. But I was also weirdly excited by it. This could have been the start of something new, and it had been a while since I'd hoped for things to change and get more chaotic.

***

When I had told Morgan that I had full-on sex with Lexi only days before, Morgan reacted as if I told her that I got a good grade on a test or something. On the other hand, from the moment I had mentioned Taylor's name today, the air noticeably changed.

"...Are you okay?" I asked after an uncomfortable silence. She didn't reply. "I thought that since you had said the friend group was okay, and that Taylor only wasn't okay because of the relationshi-"

"Stop talking please," she calmly ordered with a plain face, the first thing she said since I told her about Taylor. "So, you kissed her."

My heart sank. I knew she wouldn't take it with a smile, but this was worrying. "Uh, yeah," I replied nervously.

"Nothing beyond that?"

"Nothing," I confirmed.

"Who initiated it?" she asked.

"Um, does it matter?"

"Yes."

I stared at her silently. Clearly, either I was in trouble or Taylor was or something. In that moment I couldn't even remember who initiated what, but I knew that I was sick of drama and, for whatever reason, wanted to protect Taylor.

"I did," I replied, not even knowing if it was the truth. "I won't do it again if-"

"Okay," she simply replied. "I'd like some time alone to process this please."

"...Um, hang on, no, I want to at least know if I'm in trouble or if I've hurt you or something," I replied uneasily. "I don't even know if I did anything wrong. Or, like, anything against your wishes."

She looked away, and sighed. "I don't know," she admitted. "I told you no, but I said it was because of the Joel thing. I should have just told you no."

I paused. "So, did you misinform me, or did you yourself just not know it was another reason?"

Morgan looked at me with some kind of new look of sorrow I didn't recognize. "Quinn, this is exhausting. Just, like, pick one, okay? I'm upset and want to process it. You're fine. You're a fucking angel if that makes you feel better, okay? Whatever you want to hear. Just please leave me alone right now."

"I need to ask one more question," I replied sternly.

I could see tears beginning to form in Morgan's eyes. Her look was quickly turning to impatient anger. "Hurry."

"Am I leaving the house or going to the living room? I want to stay but if you want me to leave..."

"Either. I won't use the fact that you stayed against you if you stay. Get out of my room please," she quietly but impatiently told me. I didn't really want to leave, but reluctantly, I walked out and shut the door. As soon as I did, I heard an impact, like she hit the wall or something. Then came the sound of sobbing.

I stood there, like I was in a trance. Was I supposed to do something? Was I supposed to walk back in there and demand we talk? Was I supposed to give her space? I didn't know, but clearly there was a right answer. And fuck me, I didn't know what it was.

To my absolute delight, you could still hear the sounds of Morgan being upset even downstairs. And even though her parents were luckily not home, Doug was. As soon as I walked downstairs, he turned away from his game to look at me. He said nothing. I said nothing. Muffled sounds from Morgan's room punctuated the silence.