Mutual Benefits Ch. 17

I stood there, staring at him for a while. I went from expecting him to say something to hoping he'd say something, but he never did. Frustratingly, I couldn't read a single emotion on his face. A fresh yell-sob from Morgan's room made me shudder and realize something bad was happening. It was clear my overthinking and question-asking wasn't welcome here -- it wouldn't have been a bad idea to go on a walk or something. I walked towards the door and reached for the handle.

"Did you break up with her?"

I hesitated, looking straight at the door. "No."

"You walk out that door and she breaks up with you. Guaranteed."

I turned to look at him. He had an indignant look on his face, as if it all didn't matter. "Have you been here before?"

"I dunno, have I?" he asked plainly. "Whatever it was, uh, it must have ended real poorly, huh?"

I looked to the ground. "Same stuff we talked about a bit ago," I confessed.

"Told you she disliked it," he simply said.

"It would have been nice if she told me she disliked it," I shot back, resigning myself to the couch. "Does she do this often?"

"Nah. She, uh... bottles it up. Gotta go somewhere," he explained as if this were natural. "It's not often, but it's there. She'll calm down in a bit."

"It breaks my heart to hear..." I trailed off, hearing a very muffled sound. At least they were getting quieter. "...That. Did I cause this?"

Doug gave me a weird look. "What, d'you think I bugged her room? I barely know what this is about." He got up, going towards the kitchen. "You want a drink? I'm not just being polite this time. I really recommend it."

"Being drunk when my girlfriend is distraught is going to help me?" I asked incredulously. "No, Doug. No."

"Uh, yes, Doug, yes," he countered.

"I'll pass!" I nearly shouted, pissed off.

He made a show of shrugging, then walked off. I sulked on the couch, lowering my head and thinking. About Morgan, about Taylor... hell, about Lexi, Crystal, and Taylor. About Joel and Doug and Kev and Mother and even Bryce. My shirt was forever stretched by that guy.

It all culminated to now. What a world. I heard Doug return and fire up a game but I didn't even raise my head. I just tuned the noises out, worried that Taylor hadn't told me something vital again. Maybe she and Joel never broke up. Maybe she made a deal with Morgan. Maybe... I had no clue.

It must have been at least ten full minutes after the noises from her room stopped when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. I raised my head, seeing Morgan walk off towards the kitchen without even looking at me. I went to stand up, but felt Doug's hand on my shoulder holding me down. I turned to him and he shook his head no.

I watched Morgan retrieve a bottle of something alcoholic from the kitchen and walk halfway up the stairs. She stopped and turned slowly to face me, tear marks down her face. "You can come to my room if you want," she croaked, before disappearing.

I turned back to Doug, who had his eyes on the game. Sighing, I stood up, my feet feeling like they were made of clay, and walked back to Morgan's room to see her on her bed, holding a bottle of vodka, mixing it in a red cup with something.

I looked around her room. I expected it to be trashed or something. "Your room is cleaner than it was when I left," I observed. "I didn't expect that."

She shrugged, and I sat beside her. I started to loop my arm around her, then stopped. "Do you want my arm on your shoulder?"

"No," she flatly replied. "Za zdorovie." She downed whatever was in her cup. It probably wasn't a good idea to continue this conversation drunk, but I was in no position to tell her what to do.

I sat in silence for a few more moments before I couldn't resist opening my mouth. "Are we... not a couple anymore?"

"I dunno," she emotionlessly said.

"...Can I ask if you care?" I gingerly asked.

She turned slowly to face me. "I wish I didn't care," she said. "If I didn't care so fucking much, I wouldn't feel like this." She took another drink and looked in disgust at her cup. "Ahh, fuck me." She turned back to me. "I want to not care. When I was single, I didn't care. Boys were stupid. I mostly only heard about drama, never really being in it."

I processed what she said. "It doesn't have to be drama, I'll just not talk to Taylor again."

"Would you seriously never talk to Taylor again if I asked you to?" Morgan challenged me.

"Yes," I replied immediately, never hesitating.

She only showed sadness at my response. "That's not a good thing," she simply said. "No, Quinn. Talk to Taylor. Fuck, kiss her. Have sex with her if you want to. I gave you permission. It's only fair."

I had to laugh at the absurdity. "Morgan, just retract the permission! Hell, I've openly told you a part of me wants you to! Clearly it led to something bad here. We can get through this, I just want to be with you."

"I don't caaARE!" Morgan yelled to the wall, then immediately retracted back into herself. The room was dead silent, apart from Cheesecake running across his cage. "This part of me sucks, I know."

"It's... new," I managed. "I'm dealing with it though. Is this where all of your emotions go?"

"No. Most of the time I just barely express. Comes with the 'not caring' thing." She poured more vodka into her cup, looked around for something to mix it with, then I guess couldn't find anything. She shrugged, took a small drink, and shivered. "It's nice, until it isn't."

"I don't know if you're mad at me," I said point-blank.

"I don't know if I am either," she replied immediately.

"So then what are we doing here?" I asked her.

"I know I'm mad. And I know a lot of it is at myself."

"But why? You didn't do anything!" I protested.

At that, Morgan smiled. A big, smirky smile, too, like I just told a particularly clever joke. "Don't make me talk about this right before this stuff hits me," she said.

"Are you saying you did do something worth being mad at yourself for?" I asked. "We can work thro-"

"Shut up, okay? Just shut up. I'm mad at myself. No, I don't want to talk about it."

"You're getting more assertive than usual," I mumbled.

"Assertive?"

"You're getting bossier lately. You're interrupting me more."

"That's actually probably part of being mad at myself," she replied, almost to herself.

"But why? I was the one who -- I mean, I thought I wasn't, but I guess I went behind your back and did that."

She looked at me for a bit. "I'll work on the interrupting thing," she said eventually. "Can you get a cup?"

I looked at her bottle. "Um, I-"

"Please, just -- wait, shit, okay, interrupting." It was clear the drinks were already taking an early effect. "Okay, say what you want."

"I'd rather not."

"Just trust me. If you still can. Get a cup, they're over there."

Hesitantly, I did what I was told, and she took the cup and carefully poured one or two drops into the cup. She handed it to me. "It won't get you drunk," she replied. "For me, try drinking it."

"Why?"

"I can't explain it before you do it."

I paused, then brought the cup to my lips. Even with two drops inside, it smelled awful. Not really wanting to, I moved my head back and drank the two drops of vodka. They tasted like nothing and felt like pure fire in my mouth, and in my throat all the way down.

I retched, and looked back at Morgan to see her looking at me. "How was it?"

"I hated it. It burned."

"Yeah," she replied, nodding. "Some things just burn, Quinn." Her eyes watered. "Some things just burn."

"Huh?"

"Vodka doesn't burn less the more you drink it," she kept going. "Some people try to mask the taste, and other people just drink it despite how much it burns. And alcohol is, uh, it's addictive, y'know. I kinda wonder sometimes if people addicted to it drink it despite the burning, or if, maybe, along the way, they get addicted to the burning itself too."

"...What does this have to do with anything?" I asked. "I don't get any of this."

"Yeah, I'm kinda being deliberately mysterious here," she replied calmly. "I know that if I tell you anything, you'll ask more questions, and I'm not prepared to answer them."

"So... something hurts, but you keep doing it," I concluded. "Or, you're an alcoholic, and this was your best way of telling me."

Morgan dryly chuckled. "No. Well, I mean, maybe I am, but if I am, I don't know it yet. Uh, yeah, first one. Yup."

I could put two and two together. It crushed me knowing what she was getting at, but I guess I had to say it out loud. "Are you... cutting yourself?" I asked, feeling tears coming on.

Morgan looked at me with shock, then gave a kind of sad surprise-laugh which immediately evolved into a kiss. "No, oh my God, no, Quinn, no," she immediately replied, holding my face in her hands. "No, I'm sorry."

There was no better news on the planet. Despite my teary eyes, I smiled. "You kissed me," I murmured.

Morgan smiled sadly at me, and I returned her smile. We sat in silence for a bit, before I spoke up. "We're not breaking up, are we?"

"No," she replied.

"So, you wish you didn't care, because something hurts right now, but you can't stop doing it," I summarized. "And you don't want to say what it is..." I paused. "...even though it sounds like a lot of stuff would be made easier if you said it."

She started crying. Immediately, she set the bottle and cup down and put her face in her hands. I started rubbing her back, but I still hated this situation. "Morgan, are you terminally ill, do you have some kind of history with Taylor, what?! Please just tell me."

She simply shook her head. I sighed. "Okay, new direction. Summarize how you feel about the whole situation in one sentence."

Neither of us spoke for a while. Eventually, Morgan got the tears down enough so that she could speak. "I don't get why you're making this like English class," she joked.

"I need something. This whole situation is making my head hurt. Give me some kind of takeaway, please."

"I don't want to lose you," she said. "That's my sentence. I deserve an A plus, I know."

"I'm not going anywhere. Taylor will never replace you. No one will. I want you. I want only you. Morgan, I love you."

When I said this, the tears only returned. I stared at her for a bit, not understanding at all what was going on. "Why are you so angry with me doing stuff with Taylor, but not Lexi?" I eventually asked. "What burns going down here?"

She looked at me. "Quinn, please don't make me get into this when I'm tipsy," she requested.

"Morgan, for the love of God, forbid me from having sex with your friends. Just make this a monogamous relationship." She buried her head in her hands again. "If it's going to make you like this, I just want something that can resolve this. Please! What about this is so hard?!"

"Why do you need me to tell you what to do?" she asked.

"Because as long as it's allowed, I'll be tempted, and it hurts you so I want to stop," I replied earnestly.

"Isn't that good enough for you to make the choice on your own?" she asked.

It should have seemed like the most obvious point in the world to make, and yet, it only clicked right then and there for me. Her saying it was okay meant jack shit if I could see how it was affecting her. Of course I didn't need anything more.

"Okay," I replied quietly. "But for the record, is what I did with Taylor today why you're crying right now?"

Morgan hesitated. She didn't say anything for the longest time. Finally, she raised her head... and, bafflingly, shook it no.

"...Is what I did with Taylor today why you got angry?"

"...It's the thing that made me lose my cool, like, the straw that broke the camel's back. I just wasn't expecting it" she answered.

"That's not a yes or a no," I observed.

"You're correct, it's not," Morgan replied.

So what, it was just a coincidence that telling her about Taylor set her off?? "Are we ever going to have a discussion about this mystery burning thing?!" I asked exasperatedly.

"Hopefully," she offered. "I want to. Just give me time, okay?"

"Okay. But in the meantime, I'm not going to do anything with any other girls. At all. Period."

She didn't seem to be affected by that. "If that's what you want," she offered.

Morgan was going to make me pull my hair out. Something was boiling over, and as usual, I was not allowed to know what for whatever reason.

"I just don't want to lose you," she repeated, leaning over and hugging me.

"I love you, Morgan," I said softly.

"I know. I love you too," she replied.

"This does need to either stop or come out, though. It's clearly hurting our relationship in the meantime," I gently reminded her.

"I know, I'm working up to it," she replied. "Can you stay over tonight? We don't have to have sex. I just want-"

"To be close to me?" I interrupted her. Internally, I smirked. Power move. "Yeah, I want to be close to you too." We hugged, then slowly looked into each other's eyes and kissed.

Morgan was a lot like me. She was an overthinker whose life was exponentially complicated with Taylor around. She didn't like bullshit and had to keep her annoying brother at bay. But mostly, she claimed to hate drama yet was causing me a lot of drama headaches when the solution, from the outside, was as easy as just saying the right thing. But I still loved her. And if that meant having an argument about nothing... so be it. At least I now knew that I couldn't sleep with other girls if we were to hope to be together. The next step was finding out what the hell got her so scared, the thing she thought could drive me away. The thing that burned going down.