Mutual Benefits Ch. 20

***

I stood on Morgan's porch the next day, knocking on her door, the sound of the rain surrounding me. After a few seconds, Doug opened the door.

"You're soaked," he observed.

"It's raining," I countered. "Can I come in?"

"Uh, yeah, just hang up your jacket or something. Take your shoes off," Doug replied, letting me in. I closed the door and shed some of my wetter clothing, then walked inside, still feeling the water coming off me.

"So, you're here to see Morgan?" he asked. There was no mistaking the feeling in the undertone of his voice.

"Doug, I know everything," I said meaningfully.

"What do you mean?" he asked innocently. I didn't say anything, and he caught my gaze. After a few seconds, he dropped the act. "So, if you do, why the hell did you come back? Why do you even want to see her?"

"Because I know everything. Not just the bad stuff," I replied. It was cheesy, but it also felt true.

He stared at me for a bit, then shrugged. "Okay," he conceded. He walked to the stairs. "Morgan!" he yelled. "Quinn's here for you."

After about a minute, Morgan came downstairs, and the two of us quickly went to her room. We both walked in before either of us said anything.

"You're soaked," she observed.

"It's raining," I countered again.

"Couldn't you get a ride or something?" she asked.

"With whom? Taylor? Doug? Both of those would be bad," I pointed out.

Neither of us said anything for a bit, until finally Morgan sat down on the bed and sighed. "I'm glad to see you," she offered in a small voice.

"It's nice to see you too," I replied.

"That's not the same thing," she noted, keeping her voice small, looking at the ground.

Silence took us for a few more seconds, until I started laughing nervously. "It's crazy how many things we're both feeling right now, isn't it?"

"Yeah," she agreed.

"Do we need to talk about the events of last night?" I asked.

"No. I know what happened and details would just make me relive it," she answered. "I'm not mad at you. Or her. Just fate."

The tension in the room was palpable. I came here to talk to her, but now that I was in the room with her, I didn't know what to say. I didn't come here with a plan, or a point, or even anything more than a feeling. A feeling that I should just... be here with her, alone.

I took a few steps towards the bed and just looked at her. Slowly, she stood up from the bed, looking me in the eyes.

"I was thinking of you last night," she breathed. "After you left."

We stared at each other for a few seconds, sadly smiling at each other's faces. Slowly and yet all of a sudden, our faces got closer and closer until we were sharing a slow, tender kiss.

"I missed you so much," she practically cried when the kiss ended.

"It's been maybe twelve hours," I chuckle-whispered back.

"No," she replied. "I missed you. The real you. The you that... belongs with me. Quinn, we belong together. I don't want to take a break in college. I don't want to need space. I just want you. Please. Please, please, please." She hugged me and held me close, and I just held her.

We didn't say anything more for a long time. We just held each other. After a bit, she broke away and kissed me again. "I blocked Arin on everything," she began. "And I'll never do it again. I don't want to make that mistake again. I'll be good. I'll be so good to you. I don't want to lose you."

"Morgan, I'm a guy that you barely knew half a year ago," I soothed her. "You don't need me. No matter how bad things get, there's always more life to live out there."

"I don't want more, I want what we have," she replied with force. "Quinn, half a year ago I wasn't happy. I was just going through the motions. I never got butterflies before. But with you, on our silly little dates, or at parties, or even when we fought, things felt like it mattered. I found out what butterflies even felt like. I have butterflies now. Please, please tell me you feel the butterflies too."

I had to admit, I knew what the butterflies felt like, but they were... dulled right now. Was I supposed to tell her that, or not?

"I don't know what I'm feeling," I admitted. "This was all a lot. We're both feeling different ways right now."

Tears sprung into Morgan's eyes. "What can I say to make things okay again?" she asked, getting choked up. "I don't even need things to be like they were. They can be new, they can be totally new. I just need to undo what I did. I just need to say the right things. I just -- I just -"

"You just need to calm down, for now," I half-chuckled. "Let's sit down."

We sat down together on her bed, and held hands. I stroked my thumb across her knuckles, and she just stared at it. "Why are you... doing these things while telling me this?" she asked. "You're kissing me, and stroking my hand, and telling me you're not even sure if you feel the butterflies."

"I want to kiss you, and it feels good, but there's a lot of pain there," I admitted. "And I'm trying to ask myself what I do feel. Do you want me to lie?"

She shook her head no, and looked down again. "Selfishly, I just want you to change, I guess," she admitted. "Like, I just want you to magically want me again. Honesty time."

"I don't not want you," I said instinctively.

"But you can't say if you do want me," she replied sadly.

"Morgan..." I nearly laughed in frustration. "These last few days have been a lot. A big part of me does kind of want to be single after all that. Like, I feel things for you, but I don't know what they are, and I want to be single. You can't expect me to suddenly have everything straight and know how to feel about all this even if you know what you want."

"Yeah, but if I know what I want, and am ready to, like, make amends, I can do what I can to fix things," she replied feebly.

"I'm not really sure that's how this all works," I said slowly.

"So what do you think is the best way this can work?" she asked.

I thought about it.

***

"I fucking hate bowling!" Lexi roared in frustration as she got her second gutterball in a row. "Why did we even come here?? This place sucks!!"

Four or five people were staring at us by the time Lexi grumpily took her seat. Milo got up to throw his ball, which left Crystal, Taylor, Morgan and myself sitting on the bench. Morgan was nuzzled into my chest, a place she didn't leave unless she had to. I didn't object; Morgan and I were still close. You could be close to someone without necessarily being their boyfriend. Taylor avoided eye contact with us as as much as she could; when she did catch herself looking at either of us, she'd blush and look at the floor. Crystal was resuming telling Lexi a story as if Lexi never left halfway through the story, nor had her outburst. Clearly, this was an average day for those two.

"Boom!" Milo cheered in celebration after getting a turkey. "God, I'm getting good at this."

"You're a boy, you've got stronger arms," Taylor jeered. "This isn't fair."

"Quinn's a boy, and he's in last place," he pointed out. "What's his excuse?"

"To be fair," I cut in dryly, "half of my body is numb every time I get up to bowl, thanks to the crushing weight that gets put on me every time I sit down."

"Shut up," Morgan lazily slurred back, poking me in the side.

"'Broken up,' my ass," Lexi spat, not caring that she was cutting Crystal off. "You two're more attached than ever."

"People break up in different ways, Lexi," Taylor replied to her swiftly. "Maybe they're hurting. We shouldn't judge, okay?"

"We shouldn't judge? Coming from you?" Lexi challenged her.

"Coming from me, and everyone else here," Taylor simply replied.

"Well, it's dumb. You say you're broken up, but here you are, doing more PDA than I've seen since... well I dunno, but you get my point."

"Lexi..." I groaned, but Morgan slowly rose up from my side. She raised her hand as if to say, 'I'll handle this.' She didn't look quite like she could handle it, but that wasn't helped by her general look -- ever since she hit me that day and we... 'broke up,' I guess... she never wore any top other than her hoodie, and didn't use makeup anymore. She joked about it being her 'post-breakup look' on the way to bowling.

"Lexi, I know this probably looks weird, or even like I'm compensating, and uh, that's because I am. I'm hurting, and I'm bad at letting things go. And... uh..." Her voice wavered. She was clearly handling things less well than she'd planned. Tears were forming in the corners of her eyes, and she just froze, likely knowing that if she kept talking, she'd start crying.

"Oh jeez," Lexi piped up upon seeing the tears. "Hey, hey, it's okay, I, uh, I was stupid to butt in. You can do what you want. He's your boyf- uh, he's... um... yeah, he's Quinn."

"You're so good at this," Milo teased.

"Fuck off, it's hard!" Lexi nearly shouted.

"Come on, did we come here to bowl or to bawl?" Crystal asked us, clearly trying to move things past the awkward moment. "Whose turn is it?"

"It's Quinn's," Milo piped up again, and everyone noticed at the same time that Morgan had now buried her head onto my shoulder. Her shoulders were moving like she was crying, even though I knew that was just her trying to get her breathing back to normal so she wouldn't cry.

"Oh, fuck," Crystal murmured.

"Poor Morgan," Taylor joined in.

"Want me to bowl for ya?" Milo asked me.

"Yeah, I could use the handicap," I joked. "Thanks."

Milo made a finger gun at me then sauntered up to the lane. I tapped Morgan on the head and quietly asked her, "How're you doing?"

"I'm clearly getting worse," she quietly said back into my clothes. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to-"

"I know, I know, you told me, but it's not like clinging to me wasn't already giving them the impression," I replied honestly. She didn't say anything back, so I pressed on. "Was going to the gym with Taylor nice at least?"

She paused for a few seconds, then got up, and took my hand. "We're going to get some hot dogs," she declared to the group. "You all want anything?"

The girls and Milo all awkwardly shook their heads no. Morgan wasn't playing today anyway, so it didn't matter. I got up and the two of us walked towards the food counter, and crucially, away from the group.

"The worst part was, it was completely fine. It was like nothing even happened between us when it was just us two," Morgan reported to me as the worker approached her at the counter. "Hi, could I please get two hot dogs? Thanks."

"So it's only awkward when I'm here, huh?" I noted uneasily.

Morgan's eyes got misty again. "Stop," she ordered with a quivering voice. "I'm only happy when you're here too. I'd deal with every friend having an awkward history with you if it meant getting to have you around."

"For a few weeks," I noted. "We're getting around that time, you know."

Morgan gave a sad smile and looked to the ground. "I really hate that all that nasty stuff had to happen right before you got your letter from MIT. I was so proud of you, you know. I wanted to do something to celebrate."

"Hey, you're not doing so shabby yourself," I replied. "UMass Amherst has a really good kinesiology program."

She chuckled. "You can just say 'UMass,'" she let me know. "And, I mean, we're both going into the sciences, so at least we'll have common ground to talk about."

"Well, I mean..." I awkwardly started. "You're going into health sciences, so..."

Her smile turned both genuine and challenging. "Oh, don't you dare," she mock-threatened me. The two of us laughed, then she paid for the hot dogs and we found a place to sit.

"Should we go back to the group...?" I asked.

"No, I want to eat here if that's okay," she replied. "Unless you really want to go back to them."

"No, no, it's okay," I admitted.

"So, the plan is, after I get settled, I visit you. And you can visit me, if you want. Whenever you want." She said it so plainly, so matter-of-factly.

"Well, I won't have a car..." I uneasily replied.

"I will. Unless you'd prefer I not visit you. I can give you space if you want space."

"I don't know what I want," I said slowly.

"I hate that," she said, losing the friendliness to her voice.

"I know," I replied quietly. "So do I."

We ate in silence for a minute or two. "Thanks for the hot dog," I eventually said.

"Yeah."

"Y'know..." I awkwardly started. "The thought of losing you, o-or dating someone else, or us fading away from each other's lives... It does suck. I don't think I want that. But... nah, I shouldn't say it."

"You should," she said tenderly.

"But... well, the idea of dating you makes me hesitate too. For now. I don't even know where you fit in my mind."

"I think I experienced the same feeling, actually, once," she replied, finishing off her hot dog.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Remember during that night at Taylor's, and you asked me to make a decision, whether we'd still be together?"

I thought for a second. "Yeah..." I slowly replied, recalling it. "Wait. You said yes."

"Yes I did."

"But, this isn't like that. I'm not sure whether I'd be a yes or a no."

"I know. But if you recall, you didn't give me the option. I did tell you that I couldn't make the decision." She smiled bashfully. "You told me you wouldn't accept that. You told me to either say yes or no."

"So... what, you dated me even if you weren't sure you wanted to be with me anymore?"

"Yup," she said, plain as day.

"Wait, but... no, that doesn't make sense," I said, the cogs in my mind working overtime. "The next time we saw each other was at school. We kissed. You got me to ask you to be my girlfriend."

"Yeah, and you may have noticed, I was a lot less involved in it than I am now," she noted. "But, yeah. I took a chance on you. I wasn't sure what I was feeling, but told myself, if it was to be, it would... blossom, I guess. And if it wasn't, I'd just break up with you." She shivered. "You beat me to it," she finished with a weak smile.

"So, the movie theater...?" I asked, not even realizing how much my heart was in this discussion.

Her smile turned genuine. "That was when I knew. That was the first time I knew."

I sat back. "Huh," was the only thing I could think to say. She took a shot on me, not knowing if she even wanted to, just to see what would happen.

"I suppose I should offer you the same courtesy," I found myself saying out loud.

To my surprise, she shook her head no. "Expecting you to do that just because I did would be unfair," she admitted. "I could have maybe hoped, but now that I told you the reason, I can't ask it of you. That would be guilt-tripping." She gave me a look and shrugged. "It's context, I guess, but it was more to say, I know kind of where your head is at. Make the choice you'll want to make, but I can't, and won't, force you. We're adults, not kids. That's why we're going to college. You know what I want, you know what I did. And once you know what you want, you'll do what you know you have to." She got up and put her garbage in a nearby trash can, then approached me, still sitting down. "Just know that no matter what you'll choose, you'll always be special to me, somehow. I know we only really met in our last few weeks of high school, but you'll always be my high school sweetheart."

She leaned down and kissed me on the lips, then made a jokingly disgusted face. "Even if you do like mustard."

I chuckled. "Thanks, Morgan. You've given me a lot to think about."

"Yeah, I've given myself a lot to think about too," she joked. "I'm sorry this situation has put a lot of pressure on you. Do what you want. I'll be there for you."

"Do you mind if I sit here alone for a bit? You should bowl for me."

She smiled at me. "Sure." She walked off, leaving me to stare at the table, thinking about everything she just said.

Not knowing what I wanted sucked. I couldn't shake it, the feeling that Morgan was slipping away between my fingers, but I didn't even know if I wanted to hold onto her. I didn't know if I should do what she did and just bite the bullet and hope the relationship would work out. Hell, I wasn't sure if a relationship could even go through that twice, certainly not after the strategy was laid out before both parties like that. I just had to make a decision about my life. I had to decide whether Morgan was going to be in it, or whether Morgan was going to attempt to be in it for as long as possible before inevitably giving up and fading away. Then we'd only have to look after ourselves in our own lives. It certainly sounded more peaceful... but...

But...

***

"But yeah, it's been pretty normal with her," Taylor admitted, flopping down on her beanbag chair. "Like, it's weird. On one hand, it's probably the most amount of drama we've been through. On the other, this is just how we, like, are. I bet if there wasn't any drama between us for, like, three months, that would actually be worse for our friendship somehow."

I nodded and sipped at the starbucks drink she got me, then took another sip. "Huh, this is pretty good," I admitted. "What is this?"

"Iced coconut milk mocha macchiato," she said as if that jumble of words came second nature to her. "It came out a few weeks ago. No joke, the first time I tried one, I was all, 'oh, Quinn is gonna love this.' Dunno why."

"Wait, a beverage made you think of me?" I asked. "Why?"

"If only I had just answered that," Taylor replied, eyelids lowered. She rolled her eyes and sipped her own beverage. "Anyway, how about you?"

"It's hard to say," I admitted. "Definitely way more complicated. On a whole we're okay, but we keep talking about either what was or what will be. Never what is."

"Ugh, if that isn't a mood and a half," Taylor moaned.

"I'm glad to hear you two are okay. I feel bad for the few times I scared you into thinking she'd drop you as a friend or something."

"Oh, whatever. I was probably being melodramatic anyway," she waved it off, whipping out her phone.

"Yeah, thank you. It's actually really nice to hear you admit that, if I'm being honest," I replied, still just awkwardly standing there.

Taylor took her eyes off her phone and a big grin spread on her chipmunk face, even with the straw still in her mouth. I hated how blinding and beautiful that smile was. "Hey Quinn, lil' secret," she told me. "When it's Past Me and not Current Me, I'm as mean to myself as any other bitch."

"Well, I don't mean to be mean, just... critical," I replied slowly, walking on eggshells.

"Cool, that's what I meant, so yeah," she replied. She sipped a little more, then admitted, "And speaking of, I've been thinking about stuff I said." She sat up in the beanbag chair and I sat on the floor to face her. "It was probably uncool of me just to, like, bluntly say I'd never sleep with you again when she wasn't even asking me, so I'm sorry."

"Uh, hey, it's cool, no worries," I replied. "I mean, secrets were coming out anyway, and it'll probably lead to less drama in the future."

"I just, I meant what I said," she kept going, as if I never said a word. "I don't regret at all that we did it, but that felt... enough, you know? I'm happy we got to share that, and I think Morgan was kinda right, once we started, we kinda needed to see it through, even if it complicated things all to fuck. Sometimes I wonder if we should have hurried up and did it before you dated her."

"I bet that would have just created different drama," I replied.

She sipped from her straw. "Yeah, you're probably right," she admitted. "I guess I just wanted to say sorry for being, like..."

"Defensive?" I offered.

"I guess? More like... closed-minded. Like, we don't know what'll happen down the line. Maybe we'll do something again if we happen to still see each other a lot. Who knows? Just definitely not like now."

I moved my lips around in thought. "Taylor, to be completely honest, I want to ditch the 'who knows.'"