My Cousin Sadie

My cousin Sadie and I grew up together. Her mother and my mother were sisters, and I was only about a month older than Sadie, so when we were growing up, our mothers used to hang out together all the time and Sadie and I were each other's constant playmates.

Besides that, both sets of parents were really into playing bridge, so the four of them would get together at least one night every weekend to play bridge, leaving me and Sadie to pass the time together. It was a built-in babysitting situation.

Both our families were living in a big apartment building in the city, but when I was about to start third grade, my parents bought a house out in the suburbs. Sadie and I would see each other once a month or so, when our parents would get together for dinner and bridge, and Sadie and I could hang out and play together. Two years later, Sadie's dad got a promotion at work and they had enough money to move out to the suburbs too. They ended up buying a house that was just two houses down from ours, so Sadie and I would be able to hang out together all the time again. Since we were going to be in the same grade in the same school, I took her over to look at the school building from the outside and told her all about where the classrooms were and the gym and all that stuff.

When school started in the fall, we would walk to school together in the morning and most days ended up walking back home together after school. I had other friends at school, but Sadie was always my favorite person to hang out with.

* * *

When we started junior high, we were still in the same grade, but we had different homerooms and mostly different class schedules. Still, our classes were still pretty similar and in a lot of cases we could study stuff together. Sadie was really smart, although I was a little better in math than she was, and she did better in English and history than I did.

We had both started getting interested in the opposite sex. We weren't really going on formal dates, but we were kind of figuring out who we were attracted to. If Sadie and I hadn't been cousins, it would've been the two of us, but we knew that was totally off-limits.

It's not like any of our parents ever said anything about it or warned us about it, we just knew. I knew our being cousins was the problem, but at the same time, it was a little strange to me that it mattered so much to everyone. It just seemed so unfair that the girl I really liked the most -- who was my best friend -- was the one girl I was supposed to forget about. But what could either of us do about it?

* * *

One Saturday afternoon when we were in our first year of high school, we were hanging out at my house. My dad was off playing golf with Sadie's dad, and my mom had gone out grocery shopping. Sadie and I had just been talking about TV shows and movies and stuff when she asked me, "Will, have you ever kissed a girl?"

I was a little embarrassed at the idea of talking about that kind of thing with her. I'm not sure why, since we talked about pretty much everything, but still... "Not really, I guess," I said.

"Not really? What the heck does that mean? You guess?"

"Well, I was at a football game about a month ago, and we won at the last moment, and everybody was jumping up and down yelling and screaming, and this girl kind of hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. More like a peck, I guess. I mean, like I didn't even know her. I had seen her around, but I had never actually talked to her. It seems like it was just part of the cheering everyone was doing. So, I guess, if you're talking about actually kissing a girl, the answer is 'no.'"

I got the feeling that Sadie was not impressed with story or my long-winded explanation, and was getting really impatient with me. But now that I had finally given her a straight answer, she said, "Well, I've never kissed a boy either. I was just wondering if maybe we should try it together? You know, kind of practice, so we would kind of know what we were doing?"

This was a pretty weird suggestion, I mean, given that we were cousins and all. At the same time, it sort of made sense, I mean the idea of practicing. And I guess the idea of getting to actually kiss Sadie was... Well, once she brought it up, I definitely wanted to try it. Even though it was weird, considering. I mean, we had grown up together, but over the last year or so, she had started looking good in a whole new way.

When we were young, she had always had her hair in pigtails. Now that seemed ages ago. These days, her hair was black and long and shiny. (Sadie's dad was Jewish -- very secular, none of us were religious -- but that's where her black hair came from. The whole Jewish thing made Sadie seem somewhat exotic to me. It made me feel mainstream and bland by comparison.)

Everything else about Sadie was changing too. She had been a skinny kid, but now a new shape was emerging, she was taller and still slim, but with a new profile of emerging curves that somehow got to me. I had tried to not get distracted by it, to not let it change anything, but I had certainly noticed. So, even though...

We had been sitting on the sofa. Sadie stood up, and I stood up facing her. We both leaned forward and felt our lips begin to touch. We really didn't know anything about kissing, and had no idea that there was such a thing as French kissing or anything of that sort, so we just kind of stood there kissing with our mouths closed, not even hugging each other while we did so. It may sound sort of lame, but feeling the softness of Sadie's lips against mine did feel really good. I mean it was something we had never done, and I had never really expected us to be doing this, but wow.

It was hard to tell how long we stood there kissing. Probably not all that long, but it felt like a very long time. Then Sadie stopped and pulled her head back, and we just stood there looking at each other.

"I know we're not supposed to do this," Sadie said. "But I think it was good practice, don't you?"

"Yes," I said, not happy that we had stopped. "Yes, it was good practice. Now we know."

* * *

By our sophomore year of high school, we had both started going out on actual dates and going to school dances and stuff, but it was still pretty mild, and Sadie and I were still hanging out together after school pretty much every day.

One afternoon, we were at my house and my mom was out shopping and my dad was at his office. We had been working on some homework, but we were pretty much done. Sadie was putting her papers in her binder when she said, almost offhandedly, "One of the other girls was telling me something weird today."

She was trying to make it seem like it was no big deal, so obviously I wanted to know more. "Well, tell me, what was it that was so weird?"

"Well, you remember that time when we practiced kissing? You know, last year? I mean it was a long time ago."

How could I forget that? Of course I remembered it. I had found myself thinking about it many times, even now. "Uh, yeah...yeah, I remember. Why?"

"Well, this girl was telling me there is more to kissing than that. Kind of a lot more, actually."

"More?" I guess guys didn't talk about that sort of thing as much as girls did. I mean guys might talk about who they had kissed on a date or something, but I had never heard any of them talk about technique, about how to kiss.

Sadie sat there, looking as if she was trying to decide whether to tell me. "Look, this is kind of embarrassing to talk about, and I don't even know if she was telling the truth, so maybe I shouldn't say anything."

"Go ahead and tell me. If it's too weird, I'll tell you. I mean, we're each other's best friends, right? So it's fine."

"Well, I don't know about telling you the whole thing. I mean I can't just talk about it. But maybe... Oh I don't know, maybe..." She was really struggling with this. Finally, she said, "Look, why don't we try kissing the way we practiced before, and maybe I can try what she was talking about. I just don't want you getting freaked out or grossed out or anything."

She stood up from the sofa and I stood up facing her. We moved closer and I put my hands on her hips and she put her hands on my arms and we both leaned forward and began kissing. It felt just as good as before, maybe even better. I was sorry we couldn't just do this on some kind of regular basis.

I loved feeling her lips against mine, but then I began to feel something else. She was running her tongue against my lips. I was surprised, but it felt really good. It was something very different from what we had been doing before. I guess it felt, well...sexy? Feeling her tongue against my lips? It was way beyond just pressing our lips together.

I decided maybe I should try doing the same thing, so I began to open my mouth a little. Before I could do anything more, I felt Sadie's tongue sliding into my mouth and beginning to play with my tongue.

Holy shit! I hadn't been expecting any of this, but it sure felt good. I played with her tongue with my tongue and then in a moment or two, I began moving my tongue into her mouth. As I did so, I felt her sucking on my tongue to bring it further into her mouth, while her tongue continued to play with my tongue.

I began to realize there was a whole new world of kissing to explore. We stood there, still kissing and playing with our tongues against each other, and I moved my hands around her waist and she moved her arms around me to hold me tighter to her. I couldn't believe that we were doing this, and I couldn't believe how much I was enjoying it. The "kissing" we had been practicing before was nothing compared to this.

I had the feeling we could keep doing this for hours, only we heard my mom's car pulling into the driveway as she returned from shopping. We broke up what we were doing and kind of looked at each other, not quite sure what to say. Finally, Sadie said, "Thanks, Will. Thanks for letting me try that. It was interesting. It was actually pretty nice... At least I thought so."

"Yeah, it was nice. It was...really nice. Thank you." Saying "thank you" sounded kind of stupid, but I couldn't think what else to say. Also, I was hoping she wouldn't notice the boner I had gotten while we were kissing.

I know that we had said that we were just going to practice this new kind of kissing, but had we actually been making out? It sure felt like it to me. This was definitely getting weird and complicated. I mean, if my mom hadn't come home, I think we'd still have been standing there kissing. I definitely wasn't ready to stop, and it didn't seem like Sadie wanted to stop either.

We heard the kitchen door open, and we both went to help my mom put the groceries away. Sadie went home to dinner a little while later, without either of us having said anything more about what we had been doing.

* * *

For New Year's Eve that year, Sadie and I had each been invited to different New Year's Eve parties held by friends from school. That day, however, there was a huge snowstorm so all the parties were canceled. But Sadie's family lived one house down, so it was no big deal for us to go over to their house to celebrate.

It was kind of an impromptu get-together, but Sadie's mom came up with a terrific meal, including some Jewish desserts that she had learned how to make from her mother-in-law. Someone had even pinned some mistletoe over the doorway to the living room. (I wondered who would have done that. Could Sadie have done that? It didn't really seem like something her parents would do.) They also had a Christmas tree, so I guess it was kind of interdenominational.

Sadie had a new dress on for the occasion, and was looking amazing. The dress was a lot tighter on her body and showed off her curves a lot more than I had seen before. I was careful not to pass under the mistletoe at the same time as Sadie, not with our parents there. That would've been weird.

After dinner, we all went into the living room, and Sadie's dad started the logs in the fireplace and handed out spiked eggnog. Even Sadie and I got some spiked eggnog, although we hadn't been given wine at dinner.

The parents began discussing grown-up stuff, and I knew Sadie and I were in for a pretty dull evening. I saw Sadie knock back her eggnog and motioned to me to do the same. Then she said to me, "Will, do you want to see some of the stuff I got for Christmas?" She had been over to my house after Christmas and I had showed her what I had gotten, so this made some sort of sense. We got up and she led me back to her room.

We knew our parents were aware of where we were going, so she really couldn't just go ahead and close her bedroom door, since that would make our parents wonder what was going on. Sadie had gotten a number of books, which she had on a desk in her room. I thought she was going to start showing me the books, but instead, she whispered, "The mistletoe was my idea. And I have another sprig of it, and I'm holding it over my head."

Sure enough, I looked and she had one hand over her head, with a sprig of mistletoe in it. "Don't you think you should be doing something about that?" she asked.

I stepped forward and began kissing her. Suddenly we were making out like crazy, tongues and all, just hoping none of our parents would happen to get up and take a look down the hall. This time, it wasn't about practicing. We were just making out like any pair of horny teenagers.

Way before we were ready to stop, we heard a voice calling from the living room, "Sadie, Will, I have a fresh batch of rugelach just out of the oven. Come back in and join us."

"We'll be right there," Sadie called out. We stepped apart and held each other's hands and just looked at each other. Neither of us had wanted to stop what we were doing, but at the same time, what did it all mean? This was a definite and absolute no-no, and to take this kind of chance with our parents in the other room?

We started to head back to the living room, but I told Sadie I would join her in a minute, I just needed to hit the bathroom. Mainly I needed to hit the bathroom because I didn't want to walk into the living room with a raging boner that would be all too obvious to everyone. I don't know for sure if Sadie felt it. In any case, she didn't mention it.

* * *

As far as our "practicing" was concerned, we had never really discussed it outside of the moment. But a few afternoons later, after school had begun again, Sadie and I were over at my house, doing homework and talking about stuff. Sadie kind of stopped talking and grew silent for a moment. Then she turned to me and said, "You know we can't just start doing that -- you know, New Year's Eve? -- whenever we want. We shouldn't have been doing it at all. But... I don't know... Maybe...for special occasions? I mean like, if you think about it, mean we weren't even supposed to be together at all on New Year's Eve. We were supposed to be at totally different parties. I mean, I guess the blizzard was kind of an act of God, right? Some sort of divine intervention? Maybe? Like New Year's Eve is kind of a big deal anyway, but the blizzard made it even more special."

Sadie's logic was pretty intricate, but whatever. I mean, usually I thought of Sadie as being super sensible and logical, but sometimes I wondered just a bit. Still, I was ready to go along with anything that could give us a chance to do a repeat of New Year's Eve. I would've preferred the "whenever we want" option, but I knew we couldn't do that. But "special occasions"? I definitely wanted that, and I wanted as many special occasions as we could think of. Like maybe Fridays, and Saturdays? And Sundays? Hell, throw in weekdays too. But I knew she wasn't suggesting that.

I nodded solemnly. "Yeah, special occasions... Just special occasions. I mean New Year's was definitely a special occasion." I wanted to be able to just lean forward and kiss her to seal our agreement, but I knew that would totally mess things up. Even though I had the feeling that she was kind of thinking the same thing too.

* * *

After that, we went back to keeping things on the straight and narrow. Hanging out, doing homework together, all the usual stuff. And making sure to keep going on dates with other people from time to time just to keep any confusion from arising.

After a few weeks of this kind of normalcy, it looked like we had almost forgotten the whole thing. I mean I was sure neither of us had actually forgotten -- I know I hadn't -- but we both knew how complicated it could make things for us.

* * *

My 16th birthday was coming up on February 5th. A 16th birthday is a big deal, no matter what. And I knew that both Sadie and I had that "special occasion" exception on our minds. I was definitely hoping for a repeat of our New Year's Eve experience, but I was also afraid it might not happen, that Sadie might change her mind about the whole thing. I mean, doing any of this was definitely looking for trouble, right? And we had spent a month without anything happening, without either of us even mentioning it. So maybe it was just done, and maybe it was for the best. But I sure hoped not.

I mean if she hadn't started with that whole "practicing kissing" thing in the first place, I wouldn't have been expecting anything at all. That's not to say that this whole thing was one-sided. I had definitely been having thoughts about her even before that. But now it was a thing in my mind. It had set up housekeeping in my brain, and even though neither of us had said a word after that last discussion, I knew I was thinking about it whenever I was with her, and a lot of the time even when I wasn't with her. Yes, I was going out with other girls from school, and I knew that some of them liked me a lot, but I always felt a little weird being out on a date with one of them. Even if they were really nice and really good-looking and smart and everything, I felt kind of disconnected, almost as if I was trying to keep things from getting anywhere. Which was pretty much the opposite of the way guys were supposed to act with girls.

The truth is, I guess when I was out with other girls, I was always feeling a little bit guilty, like I was cheating somehow. But that was totally stupid. How could I be cheating on someone I wasn't supposed to have anything to do with in the first place, aside from being best friends? So yeah, the whole thing was kind of messing me up. And here I was, wondering what was going to happen on my birthday.

* * *

Sadie and I were still hanging out together after school most days. Our routine had always been helpful in making sure that I spent time studying and keeping up with schoolwork, since she was a diligent student and I wanted to look diligent too. I noticed, however, that something else seemed to be happening these days.

A couple of times I caught her staring at me when she thought I wasn't paying attention. Out of the corner of my eye, it looked as if she was trying to take advantage of some unguarded moment on my part to study me.

Of course, I was doing the same thing with her, finding myself just staring at her, taking in her face, taking in her look of concentration when she was reading or maybe thinking about something. There was something I wanted to capture, although I couldn't begin to say what it was. I would've loved to be holding a camera, taking picture after picture of her, and then being able to just sit there with all those pictures, just looking, and looking some more. I had known her since childhood, since she was born, but now she was changing into someone else, someone both familiar and unfamiliar. It was an unsettling feeling. Part of me wanted the old Sadie, when things were simpler, when there were no "special occasions" to unsettle the reassuring landscape.

This new Sadie, with her new curves, with a new face that wore lipstick when dressing up, had wandered in somehow, unannounced, bludgeoning everything in her path, everything I had known. I was no longer thinking, I was just trying to hold on against a rush of hormones. "Practicing kissing" felt like the apple that Eve handed to my unknowing Adam. Part of me wanted to undo it all, to go back to when Sadie had pigtails. The other part of me could think about nothing but the next "special occasion."