My Cousin Sadie

Still, I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to hang out with Sadie, with not having her there as my best friend. I mean if the choice was between only having her as my best friend and not having her at all, well, I guess I was stuck with being friends. But it was so goddamn unnatural. It was all a lie. It hurt. Why the hell did we have to be cousins?

I waited for Thursday with that feeling of nervousness that you have when the teacher is handing back the exam sheets to the class, and you're waiting to see how you did.

Thursday morning, I got a text from Sadie, "Why don't we meet after school and walk home together today?" So she didn't want to walk to school together. I was going to spend the school day waiting to see her again.

When my last class finished, I went to my locker to get the books I needed to study for tomorrow, and then hurried outside. There was Sadie, waiting for me. She smiled a little uncertainly when she saw me. She didn't know how things were going to be, and whether this was going to work at all.

On the walk home, Sadie said to me, "Look, I'm really sorry... Oh, I don't know. You know what I mean. But the thing is, I can't stand the idea of losing you as my best friend, and the problem is, we're stuck with something that isn't our fault at all. But having each other as best friends, that's the most important thing, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is." I was trying not to sound too shitty about it.

"You know, we did make it work before. So, I think we can do it."

Of course, she was ignoring the fact that after New Year's Eve, we both knew we had birthdays coming up and that both of those would be "special occasions." I mean they seemed to be like a safety valve or something. If we knew that we had those coming in the future, well, we kind of had something to look forward to that wasn't just being friends. Damn. Could I really handle a future without "special occasions"? Hell, could she? I mean I knew damn well wasn't the only one.

I was disappointed, but I guess I was resigned. She wasn't going to change her mind, and I couldn't change what my mind really wanted.

When we got back to our block, I suggested she come over to my place and we could study for a while. Usually, we used to talk about everything, but now we were being a lot more careful. I didn't ask about the party she went to, and she sure as hell didn't ask about my date.

About the only thing she did say was, "I saw you headed to the park in your running shorts. Did you have a good time running?"

"Yeah. I did a pretty long run. Like four times around the lake. I guess I just kind of felt like I needed to do something physical and crank up the endorphins. I guess maybe endorphins are going to become my new drug of choice."

Sadie avoided going any further with that discussion and we set to working on homework. That, at least, was familiar territory, and I think we both began to settle into being together again, at least tentatively.

* * *

Amazingly, somehow it worked. At least kind of. We were able to hang out, and study together, and talk about things like TV shows and movies and things.

But of course, it wasn't like before. Not at all like before. Not even like before in the days when Sadie was wearing pigtails, because back then, we had nothing to hide. Now... Well, of course, the biggest thing we were trying to stuff into the closet was our feelings about each other, the attraction that we could no longer even hint at.

And by the same token, we never discussed who we were going out with or how any of that was going. Neither of us wanted to know, at all.

So, instead of that excited energy we had had together when we were younger, we were almost like some very old married couple, where sex has been forgotten, and there really isn't that much of anything to talk about.

Of course, if we had both genuinely been converted to the necessity of abandoning the rampant chemistry between us, then that "old couple" existence probably would've been fine. But it was still there, especially in our pauses and silences. We were careful to avoid being alone together in either of our houses. We didn't trust ourselves, at all. We needed chaperones at all times.

* * *

I continued with my "endorphin therapy," spending more time on weightlifting and running more. I would talk with the other guys in the gym about work-out routines, and how to fine-tune exercises to build up particular muscles. I worked on increasing my running distances, and even began to think about working my way up to doing a marathon.

The results definitely began to show, and more girls than ever were flirting with me, and even outright hitting on me. Since I had now established this new pact with Sadie, I felt freer about going out on dates, and even dating girls more than once. I was making out with a lot of them, and occasionally even starting to feel their breasts over their sweaters or their shirts. A fair number of them seemed willing, or even eager, to take it further than that, but somehow, I couldn't. In spite of everything, I was still hung up on Sadie. I couldn't feel about any of these girls what I felt about Sadie. I couldn't get unstuck.

As the year rolled around, and we approached our 17th birthdays, I began to wonder again about the idea of "special occasions." But Sadie appeared to be as determined as ever to avoid anything having to do with that. Our birthdays came and went, with no "special occasions." Sadie was especially careful not to let us have any time alone on either of our birthdays. Her mom or my mom was always around, although I don't think either of them had any idea of anything going on.

* * *

By the time of our 18th birthdays, I had pretty much accepted that nothing was going to happen. We had our dinners, and blew the candles out on our cakes, and wished each other a Happy Birthday, and moved on.

The weekend of the third week in April, a little more than a month after Sadie's birthday, our parents, both pairs of them, had decided to go together to a bridge convention in a city about two hours away. They could've gone there and back in the same day, but the convention was going on the whole weekend, and they wanted to be able to be there on Saturday and Sunday. So they told Sadie and me that we would need to take care of ourselves that weekend.

Obviously, my mind began to race, although I told myself it shouldn't. Sadie reassured her parents, "Don't worry, we'll be fine. I won't have any dates over while you're away, and I'll make sure that Will doesn't either." I'm not sure that any of our parents had even thought about that, so I was a little surprised she brought it up. But I guess it made sense.

I went over to Sadie's house on Friday afternoon. Her parents invited my parents over to dinner, and after dinner, I stuck around to watch a movie on TV with Sadie. When the movie was over, I headed back home and went to bed.

* * *

Next morning, my parents were up early packing stuff in the car for the trip. Sadie's parents were going with them in the same car, so they came over with their suitcases as well. They were all eager to get going so as not to miss some of the lectures and workshops at the convention.

Sadie had come out with her parents to wave goodbye to them, and when they drove off, she headed back to her house. I wasn't quite sure what to make of that, so I decided to just go back inside and put on my running shorts. I figured a very long run would be the best thing for me at this point.

I was just starting to tie the laces of my sneakers when my phone pinged. It was a text from Sadie. "Hey Will, my mom had baked a batch of rugelach last night for us to have over the weekend. You want to come over and have some?"

I wasn't quite sure what to think of this. I sure didn't want to start reading too much into it, since I'd been disappointed for so long. But I ditched the running shorts and sneakers and tried to figure out what would be the best outfit to wear to see Sadie. (Why was I even thinking about what to wear just to go over and eat some rugelach?)

I had been planning to shower after I finished my run, but I figured I should probably shower before going over. I put on a fresh T-shirt and the sweater she had gotten me for my 16th birthday and a pair of clean blue jeans and headed next door.

Sadie greeted me at the door. She was wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants, but her hair looked as if she had showered and done her hair for the occasion.

We went into the kitchen. Sadie had heated up some of the rugelach in the microwave, so they were nice and warm and fresh. Still, I was feeling confused. There were the two of us without a chaperone in sight, actually, without a chaperone anywhere near our city. Formerly, this would've been, well, risky as hell. Still, Sadie had maintained our truce for two years now, so I guess this was okay? I mean, did she really trust me? I wasn't all that sure how much to trust myself. The whole situation was feeling weird as hell.

Sadie put the empty plate in the sink. Then she said, "You haven't seen Minnie since you gave her to me. Would you like to see her in her new home?"

She took me by the hand and led me through the living room and down the hall to her bedroom. The bed was made, but for some reason, the curtains were still pulled down.

"See, there's Minnie, on my bedside table. Every time she wakes me up in the morning, I end up thinking about you."

What the hell was going on? This was one of those topics we didn't talk about anymore, wasn't it?

* * *

Sadie paused, as if trying to figure out what to say next.

After hesitating a moment, she said, "Look, Will, I need to talk to you about something. I know I always ended up making rules for us. I came up with the whole 'special occasions' thing. And then, when that got really intense -- on both our parts -- I called it off so we could still be 'friends.' None of it was ever your fault, and I know you were really bummed out by my trying to shut it down."

Yes, I had been bummed out. There was not a day when I didn't feel it. But why was she bringing it up now? Was she trying to apologize? What was the point? What was the use? Even her taking my hand to lead me to see the Minnie clock had kind of freaked me out. It felt like almost too much of a temptation. How could I hope to be just "friends"?

"Well, it's bummed me out too," Sadie said. "Maybe even more than it's bummed you out. I have no idea. But it has bummed me out. I've felt like I've been stuck ever since, not able to forget about you at all. And I wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happened with you. I mean I see you heading to the park every weekend to run. For all I know, you're planning to start running marathons."

"Well, I have thought about it," I said.

"Right, that's exactly what I mean. I also know you're doing that because of me."

"Ummm... Yeah, I guess you're right... Actually, of course you're right. I've tried as hard as I could, but... You're still the only one I ever really think about."

"Really?" I couldn't quite tell if Sadie was questioning my statement, or was pleased about it. "You've been going out with so many girls."

"Yeah," I said, "I've gone out with a lot of girls. I've made out with some of them, and some of them acted like they wanted to go further, but... I just didn't want to get all involved with them, and have them start thinking we were boyfriend and girlfriend, or any of that stuff. It wouldn't have felt right. I wouldn't have felt that way about them. It wouldn't have been fair. To her, or to me. Not when I couldn't stop thinking about you."

"Well," she said, "I've gone out with a bunch of guys too. I did make out with some of the ones that I liked, the ones who were smart and were nice. And pretty much all the guys would have loved to go further -- that's what guys are supposed to do. But I couldn't do it either. It was the same thing with me. I didn't want some guy falling in love with me when I couldn't fall in love with him."

We looked at each other. It had been so long since we had even touched each other, but it hadn't changed anything.

"Anyway, Will, remember when I came up with that idea about 'special occasions'? I mean, it was a pretty half-assed idea, it didn't really work at all, did it? I guess I was just looking for an excuse, and I thought maybe we could keep it under control -- keep what we were both feeling under some kind of control. Well, that didn't exactly work the way I planned. But the alternative has pretty much sucked too, hasn't it?"

Sadie paused, as if thinking about what we had both lost, and trying to figure out what she should have done.

"Anyhow, I've been thinking and thinking about all of this, trying to decide what to do now. I worry that maybe what I'm thinking about now is a huge mistake, but I guess I could look at what we've missed out on as a huge mistake too. I made us stop our obvious 'special occasions' these past two years, even though we both wanted them...and now couldn't even talk about them.

"So, here we are. Our parents are all away for the weekend, the first time that's ever happened. And we're here... I mean, if that isn't a 'special occasion,' what does it take? I know you were probably thinking the same thing, but were just ready to give up, because of me. Anyway, right now I just want you to promise me one thing."

I looked at her, wondering what this was all about. Promise her one thing?

"Whatever happens, I need you to promise me we won't go all the way. Whatever else happens, that's still a red line. So I need your promise -- your absolute promise about that."

Won't go all the way? What the hell was she talking about? We hadn't done anything at all in two years. But there she was, standing, looking at me, waiting to hear me promise something that I wasn't sure I understood.

"Yes, I promise," I said.

"What do you promise, Will?" she insisted.

"That we won't go all the way, no matter what," I said.

"Okay, good," Sadie said. "What I'm about to do may be a huge mistake, but I've already screwed up so much."

We were standing there, facing each other, and I was still wondering what this was all about.

* * *

Sadie was looking nervous, as if she was very uncertain about something. Then she said, "Look, I know this is weird, and I really don't know if this is a good idea, but we aren't going to have another chance like this." She paused again, shaking her head slightly, as if still trying to figure out whether to go ahead. Then she took a deep breath, reached down with both hands and in one motion pulled her sweatshirt up over her head, then pulled it off and let it fall to the floor. She wasn't wearing a bra.

I stood there in total disbelief, looking at Sadie completely topless. I had never seen her breasts before, and suddenly there they were. They were stunning, absolutely magnificent. I had no idea what to say.

"I'm not done yet," she said. She reached down and pushed down her sweatpants and kicked them off. She wasn't wearing any panties either. I could see what looked like a neatly trimmed dark patch of bush.

Sadie straightened back up and stood there in front of me. "Well?"

There she was, completely naked, standing there for me. Everything about her was even more perfect than I ever could have imagined. I hadn't expected anything like this at all. I felt like I was in total shock. At the same time, wasn't this my wildest fantasy come true?

I stood there staring. I don't know how long it took for me to be able to say anything -- it felt like forever, but in reality, it was probably only a couple of seconds. "My God, Sadie, you're absolutely beautiful. You're stunning. You're the most beautiful woman in the world. I can't believe how beautiful you are."

She stood there, smiling, obviously delighted with my reaction. I continued just standing there, looking at her, looking at all of her, every part, trying to burn it all into my memory. I never wanted to forget this moment.

Sadie let me keep standing there, staring, with my mouth hanging open. But then she said, "Are you just going to keep staring at me while I'm standing here naked and you still have all your clothes on? That doesn't seem right, does it?"

I pulled off the sweater she had given me and folded it and put it on a chair she had in her room. Then I pulled off my T-shirt and dropped it on the floor. I kicked off my loafers -- I hadn't bothered with socks. Then I pulled off my blue jeans and kicked them onto the floor.

"No underwear?" she asked.

"I guess I forgot. I was kind of in a rush."

Now it was Sadie's turn to stare. "My God, Will. Your body is incredible. I had no idea that you had gotten that ripped. You look amazing. And I love your cock. It's beautiful. You're a total Adonis."

We stood there, just looking at each other, just staring at each other's naked bodies. Then Sadie said, "Don't you think it's time for you to come over here and kiss me? I want to feel your naked body against my naked body."

I stepped towards her and she stepped towards me and we began kissing. I could feel her breasts against my chest, and I could feel my cock rubbing against her bush.

Sadie paused for a moment. "So, what do you think, Will?"

It took me a moment before I could say anything at all. Finally, I managed to say, "I don't think I can even begin to believe any of this. You're so beautiful. It's all so beautiful. I feel like somehow we got dropped into the Garden of Eden and now it's just you and me and everything is perfect. And all this time, I haven't been able to say how much I love you. I love you, Sadie, more than anything."

"I love you too, Will. More than anything. I wanted you all this time, but..."

"Well, we're here now," I said. "This is our chance to make this the most special occasion ever, to make up for what we've missed."

"And maybe," said Sadie, "this can help us get everything out of our system."

I had no idea how our getting naked together was supposed to make that happen. But I saw no reason to raise any questions either.

* * *

I wasn't quite sure what to do next, but just standing there wasn't going to do it. "Why don't we lie down on your bed?" I suggested.

Sadie pulled the covers to one side and lay down on the bed. I got into bed beside her.

I started kissing her, and then moved my hand to start feeling her breast. She brought her hand up and put it over my hand as if to feel me feeling her. "Oh God, Will, oh yes! Go ahead and kiss my breasts! I want to feel you sucking on my nipples!"

I moved my head down and began kissing her breasts and rubbing my face against them. Then I moved to start sucking on her nipples. By now, they were sticking out hard, just waiting for me, and I heard her intake of breath as I took the first nipple into my mouth.

"Oh God, yes, Will! I've had so many fantasies about you doing this. I would be lying in bed and thinking about what it would be like. And now it feels even better than I imagined. I can't believe how hot you're making me. I could probably come just from you sucking on my nipples."

Then I felt her hand reach down. She was looking for my cock, and when she found it, she wrapped her hand around it and held it tight. I had already been getting hard, but now I felt like I was harder than I'd ever been in my life.

"Oh God, Sadie, that feels so good. You make me so hard. I love you so much."

Sadie let me continue sucking on her nipples for another minute or two, but then she sat up and leaned forward to look at my cock.

"God, Will, you have such a beautiful cock. And it feels so hard. I love it. I used to feel it, you know, during those 'special occasions' when we were making out? I mean I definitely knew, even though you never said anything about it. I think you were embarrassed. You were always trying to hide it. Of course I was curious, but I never thought I'd actually get to see it. And now, here it is."