My Diary: Entry 01 - Oh My God

First off, I cannot say how ashamed and embarrassed I am.

Allow me to explain, or try to.

I'm Emma. Nice to meet you. I'm a perfectly normal woman, or, I thought so, but anyway, I have a job, which I enjoy enough to get by, and my time is mainly spent working, because that's how it is these days. I binge boxsets until I fall asleep every night, like everyone else does, and, usually curled up with my boyfriend; well, fiance, maybe, I don't know? I mean, how long after you've been proposed to do you still consider yourself engaged?

Anyway, I think that's enough for introductions right now because I'm on fucking fire right now, and I need to get this out of me before I do something stupid I might regret... Breathe... In... Ooooh... Yeah, so, my relationship with my boyfriend-stroke-fiance-stroke-husband (as he should be at this point, because it feels that way most of the time), it's all pretty normal. We live together. We cook. We clean. We cuddle. We are sweet. It's nice... mostly...

As I'm sure it's normal, and most girls will attest to, living with a man is the fucking worst, most of the time. They're useless, and expect you to do everything, but, I really don't mind all that. I accept it, because that's who I am. I love him, and thought he loved me.

If I'm being honest, I'm very innocent and unassuming, and I'm not led by anything sexy or sexual. I don't know how normal that is, since sex is not explicitly talked about in great detail, what with all the innuendo and joking around the subject, and pop culture rams all these expectations down our throats. I'm not tuned-in to all that.

We have sex, though; that's what I'm trying to say. It's not porn-worthy (which I've never done myself, but have been shown things on very few occasions, but never looked myself), but the sex is sweet, and I love him.

Oh! Yeah, I almost got carried away. You want to know his name: Luke.

So, the sex is sweet, but we don't get to do it all that often. Much of our time is apart because of different shift patterns, and we don't really have time for anything outside of the apartment.

Oh, and, the apartment is a fucking shoebox. It's a tiny one-bed that's basically one-room with a few cupboards, one of which is a very cramped en-suite (and that's generous, believe me).

We're middle-aged, but we very much act as teenagers. Very giddy. Very unassuming. Imagine my shock then to be woken up by being tied to a chair with rope, and see a young woman on our bed! What is up with that?

I was so scared. I was sweaty and smelly from sleep, and dressed in my favourite pyjamas, which were musty and damp. I was not in any condition to entertain guests, let alone be gawked at by a fucking stranger!

I asked, "What is this?," pretty much ready to cry as I was so emotional, from being woken up with little sleep, and having all this shit happening.

The wanker (sorry, Luke)... The wanker just said, "I got talking to this nice young lady, and thought we should come back here out of the cold. I'm just being a gentleman."

The cunt (not fair since I don't know her)... The cunt laughed this sickly sweet giggle that immediately got under my skin, and I just wanted to get out, but I couldn't now, could I!

I had no idea what was happening, or why, but things soon became very clear. Her hands were all over him like a rash as they got on the bed together, rubbing each other and kissing. We've never kissed like that... It's so much movement, and the heavy breathing, and the hands are everywhere, and, ugh!

I swallowed my disgust, and said, "What are you doing? Is this really happening? What is this?"

They ignored me... Luke was too preoccupied getting naked with this teenage trash with a hot body, making me self-conscious about my own. Not that I'm fat, or unfit, or terribly out-of-shape, or anything like that, but, obviously I was found to be sorely lacking, and sore about that.

I struggled to get free, but felt tingly, and wanted to shout, but could only moan, and, the longer I watched, the more it felt normal, and I stopped struggling, and I kept moaning. I was sweating more, and more, and inhaling the smell rising off me, sour and thick like yoghurt.

Luke and his 'friend' were naked and doing it at this point, and, she was so vocal. She hardly looked at me, or even cared I was there in the state I was, but she really let me know she was there, and she sure let me know she was enjoying it... Cunt...

Luke flashed the dirtiest smile my way, and, this is where I'm truly ashamed and embarrassed... I melted... I looked at his stupid mush, and that Cheshire Cat grin, and I never felt so exhilarated, and I was also angry, and desperately tried to speak out, but... I couldn't...

You know what I felt like? I felt like a camera, filming a porno, and that was my job was to film the porno, and nothing else. That was all I could do, just take it all in, but, it was more than that, because, I was excited, and was really liking it. Not so much the strange Cunt in my bed, or the wanker betraying me (although I think that had something to do with it), but, being forced to watch against my will was so exciting, and so exhilarating, and I just stewed in my lewdness bubbling to the surface, and I just let it happen.

Of course, I tried my hardest to scowl and scorn while I was doing it, helped by the laughing at my expense as the fuckers fucked, but, I bet it was so fucking obvious that I liked it.

I was so wet and steamy you could've boiled cabbage down there, and, being tied up, and left alone, I had no way of getting myself off. I wanted to ask for a hand, or to join in, but, I didn't want to admit I was into this, and wanted to seem pissed off, and, I was pissed off, but more because they were leaving me like this. I just had to sit there and pretend I was mad, while I was getting madder that I wanted some attention; anything to take the edge off...

All I could do was focus everything on her, trying to project my consciousness into her so I could feel what she feels, wanting to know how good she is feeling. I just hoped and prayed that something would give me some satisfaction that I was craving, because, I'm telling you, she was having the best time, and so was I...

It felt like hours, but I bet it was only a few minutes, because he doesn't last long, even with me, so he must've been wanting to blow his load for a long time; credit where credit is due. Just adding insult to injury when the cunt shouted, "Oh my God! Look at her, she really got off on watching us, fucking psycho, heheheh!"

Fucking psycho? Is that what you're going with in my house... home... fucking cunt...

Luke rushed her out, and rushed back to let me loose, and he said to me, "I've been desperate to have more time with you, because we never have time for each other any more, and you're always so tired, so... I was doing this to hurt you..."

I sat there, nursing my sore wrists, trying to get some spit back into my dry mouth so I could actually say something, "Consider me hurt!"

Luke turned away, clearly hurt, and ready to pack up and leave, but, he stopped when I added, "And hot," and his face was so confused, and so cute. I had to laugh, "Yeah, I thought that was so fucking hot. So, because you told me how you feel, before you do anything rash, you do this as often as you like, and do me like this, because I'm so fucking horny right now."

Of course, and rightly so, Luke was flabbergasted (which is a word I never use, but fits), and all he could say was, "What?"

I just assured him, "I had the most wonderful time being tied up, not expecting it, feeling genuinely fearful, then the betrayal of you with another woman was... oh, fuck, it was unreal! Heh... I've woken up to something very deep and sensual in me. I've never felt so alive with you."

Luke just said, "I was done. I was leaving you. It's over, Emma."

I accepted, "You deserve better, I get it. We don't have a lot of time. It's not the life we imagined or wanted. I get it. I get all of it. If you stay, though, this can be such a good use of our time, and spice up things, and it's good for both of us?"

Luke slapped me, grinding his jaw, "It's been weeks... or months, I can't remember, since we did it, and have barely done anything together at all, socially, beyond living in the same flat and crossing paths. I wanted you to feel as low as I've been feeling, and you insult me by enjoying it? I don't know you. I thought you'd be crushed by me doing this, because you're so innocent. I never expected you to be such a perv. It's pathetic."

I felt really deflated, but still sitting on that hot ball of pent-up energy in me, conflicted as I crossed my arms, and said, "I'm so embarrassed, because I never knew anything like this could happen, and as it happened, I didn't expect to react like this.

"If it's over just leave, so I can get back to bed..."

Luke got up and left, and I was left alone to try to process everything, and, that's how I started writing this diary. I've never kept a diary before, but always wanted to, so I had this lying around for such an occasion I had something to write... Fuck, this was something to write, huh?

I haven't even got myself off yet, and writing this has made everything feel fresh, even though I feel and smell anything but fresh, but, I'm going to have the most sweaty, disgusting wank, and drift off until the alarm wakes me to get ready for work.

Do I sign off when writing a diary? Fuck knows...

Night xx