My Father was a Switchman

The young man had returned to the sofa and his blankets by the time I returned. I handed him the pajamas saying, "I hope these fit, my wife must have left them behind, but see if they'll work for you...my stuff's gonna be pretty big on you I think...but we'll find something if these don't work. By the way, my name's Will Parker...what's yours?"

"Erin Kelly, and thank you for everything...really, I can't thank you enough."

"You needn't feel beholden to me Erin, just thank whoever you believe in that we were somehow both at the same place and at the same time. I only did what anyone would do in the same situation," I replied.

"All the same, I do feel beholden Will," he said softly.

"If you don't mind me asking, how did you end up out there? Were you hiking the road and get caught in this storm," I asked.

"I wish it was that simple," he replied. "I was hitchhiking on Hwy 26. I decided before I even started out here that I wanted to see some of the country, not just make a mad dash down some interstate. In fact, when I started out today I was going to check out the John Day Fossil Beds today, and then keep going to a place called Eugene. My ultimate plan was to end up in Portland eventually. Anyway, a guy stops and offers me a ride. I've seen all kinds of people on the roads, and he had a little of the creep factor but not too bad. I told him where I was going and he said it was right on his way. He was friendly enough and I relaxed as we talked. After awhile he said we should take some scenic road, as it wouldn't take much more time and would get us to the fossil beds. He made a turn on a small paved road, then awhile later it turned to dirt and he made another turn, and another. Pretty soon I was totally turned around. After about a half hour, he pulled off the road saying he needed to take a leak. We both got out and he went to the back of the car, and I walked out in front. When I turned around, he was there behind me with his pants down and his dick hard in his hand. I told him I don't do that, but he just walked up closer. When he got too close I put a hand out to stop him. At that, he shoved me and pulled his pants up and turned to his car...he turned back and said, "You fucking tease, see if you can get a ride out here!" He jumped into his car and sped away with all my belongings, leaving me stranded. I back tracked as best I could and finally got back to a paved road. Not real sure where I was, I just started walking. When the wind started to kick up, I knew I was in trouble. I just happened upon that old blanket down in the ditch...maybe it was that old castaway scrap of cloth that kept me warm enough until you found me."

"Sorry son of a bitch, can you describe him," I asked.

Unfortunately, the description of the car and the man didn't jog any names from my memory and I said, "I can't place him. Sorry about all that Erin, most folks around here are good and decent. I just hope he was passing through. I'll remember to watch for that car though."

After that, we both sat in silence with our own thoughts for awhile. Finally, I was all thought out and said, "If you feel up to it, there's a shower if you'd like to clean up and let some warm water thaw you out...and I promise I won't be sneaking up behind you." We both laughed at the lame joke, but it had pushed the bad day back where it belonged.

"That sounds perfect, point me in the right direction," he said and offered up the first real smile I had seen from him.

"It's through that door and then the first door on the left," I said pointing the way.

He stood up and draped one of the blankets over his shoulders, turned and started for the bathroom. "Hey, don't forget the PJ's," I said as I handed them to him. He gave me another smile of gratitude and went to get cleaned up.

I prepared us some supper as Erin bathed, nothing fancy...just hearty country fare. He timed it just about perfect and came out looking much better than when he went in...and a thousand times better than when I first saw him on the side of the road. He ate like a staving man, and I wondered where he was putting it all. The PJ's fit perfectly, which pretty much confirmed he was as petite as I had imagined. And after the shower I realized he was also more attractive than I had imagined. The old desires I had given up for Susan reminded me again that they had not gone anywhere. For a change, I let the desires dance around for awhile, telling myself it was nothing.

After supper, Erin offered to clean up the dishes and put things away so I could go enjoy my own shower. I took him up on the offer, glad that he appeared to have fully recovered from his brush with death.

With everything done that needed doing, we sat on the sofa and talked. We were both experiencing the calm after the excitement of the past several hours. "Would you like a glass of wine Erin? I have a couple of bottles that were made in the Willamette Valley west of here."

"That sounds perfect Will, a glass of wine would pretty much erase the memories of this day and give me something new to take the place of them."

As I was opening the wine, I said, "You're a stronger man that me if you could forget what happened to you today...I wish I could forget some things and move on."

We sat on the sofa, warm and cozy as the wind howled outside. "This feels almost like a fairy tale to me," Erin said. "I have always lived in cities, that's one reason I was making my way out here. And already I know it was the right decision...I already feel more alive or something. It's hard to describe."

"I know exactly what you're trying to say. I'm from Kansas City originally. I used to come out here almost every summer when I was growing up. My uncle left this place to me, provided I never sold it and would continue working it. So I know what your feeling Erin, and it's a good feeling...and honest feeling. I think it's the way we're all supposed to feel."

"That says it better than I can Will. And I agree. I'd love to be able to spend more time around here sometime," Erin said.

"You said you were hitch-hiking to Portland when you were robbed. What's in Portland, if you don't mind me asking."

"Nothing really, I'm a chef and figured I could find work someplace out here. It doesn't have to be Portland, I've just heard some good things about it, is all," he replied.

"Oh, I see. Sure wish I knew where to find that son of a bitch that robbed you. Did he get your wallet too?"

"No, he never touched me after that one push, but I hope I didn't loose it on the road back there. It should be in my pants," he said as he got up to check the pants hanging by the stove. "It's here. Not much money in it, but all my ID and stuff is in here and that's the important thing!"

"Well, some good news...plus good wine and good company. It may have been a terrible day for you, but I'm glad to have some company tonight," I said.

Erin put his wallet back into the cargo pocket of his pants and returned to sit beside me again, "I'm glad I can provide a little company in return for all you've done...You said awhile ago that you wished you could forget some things and move on. It's none of my business, but if you want to tell a stranger your woes, I'm all ears."

The wine had done it's job in relaxing me, and giving me the courage to let my own shield down. "Well, my sad story pretty much ended today...I signed my divorce papers. I was coming back from my lawyer's office when I found you. I even cursed at poor ole' St Valentine on my way through town. It's kinda funny now thinking how just seeing some signs had made me blow my top like that. But, my mistake in marriage is what I'll need to put behind me. What happened to you seems worse," I told him.

"I'm not so sure about that Will. My problems were caused by a stranger. I hadn't trusted him like you trusted your wife, and he hadn't promised to be with me in sickness or in health like she promised you. He was just an ass-hole, easily forgotten. You, on the other hand, were invested in your marriage. You had hopes and plans. Now they're gone. That's what hurts so bad, to be let down by someone you trusted with everything...for your plans to be washed away in an instant. I believe your pain is normal and to be expected."

"When you put it like that, it makes more sense," I replied.

"And poor St Valentine, surely he isn't to blame," Erin added with a laugh.

His laugh was infectious, and soon we were both laughing like fools over this whole stupid day! The wine bottle was empty and we both agreed this day deserved another sip or two. As the evening wore on, the wine and good company cheered us both. At some point my outburst at ST Valentine came up again. "You know," Erin began, "Valentine's day has a long and wonderful history. You shouldn't be so hard on the good chap."

"All I know is he's supposed to bring love, not take it away," I replied with a little sarcasm.

"Well, let me try to remember it right. Valentine's day was preceded by a pagan celebration known as Lupercalis that was always on the Ides of February. This went on for as long as people could remember until the Roman Catholic Church outlawed it in the fourth or fifth century, as I recall. But since the celebrations went on despite it being against the law, the Pope finally declared the fourteenth day of February as a day to honor ST Valentine. The old ways die slow though, and it was a common belief that the middle of February was the beginning of the bird's mating season, the beginning of new life, if you will. This eventually evolved to include we humans and the ideas of romance became entwined with the old celebration and the whole thing became associated with ST Valentine. So surely, good ole ST Valentine shouldn't be blamed."

"You must have studied different subjects in school than me, Erin...but that was interesting. Still don't make me feel any better though," I said.

"I learned most of that from my mother. She was closer to the old ways from back home than I am. But, it's an interesting history. I'll try to give you a gift, in return for all you have done for me. The gift of ST Valentine is first and foremost a gift of new beginnings...the gift of fresh love...of fresh hope...of new life...just like the new life of spring. That's what I would wish to give you tonight. Hope for a brighter tomorrow. The clarity to see that what you thought you had was doomed to fail, and it is best it happened sooner than later. Yes, you have been given a new start Will. I hope you don't let old memories rob you of that."

I sat and just let what Erin was saying sink into my mind. His words spoke more truth than I wanted to admit, but he was right. Today could be either the end of my life, or a new clean start of something fresh and free of any tether. I looked up into those blue eyes and said, "Thank you Erin. You're a hundred percent right, and I imagine you spared me a lot of sad days." Then I added, "You're pretty damned smart for a frozen elf," and we both laughed.

"Well, I think I've had all the wine I need to sleep like a baby, you need a refill," I said holding the still half filled bottle up. Erin took the last sip from his glass and covered the glass with his hand. I corked the bottle, picked up the glasses and took them all to the kitchen. As I washed the two glasses in the sink, I said over my shoulder, "There's a spare bedroom or you can stay there on the sofa if you want."

"Oh, I'll just stay put out here. No need to make any more mess. I best be on my way tomorrow I guess," he replied.

"You're welcome to stay until you feel strong enough to push on. You can do the cooking if it'll make you feel better," I said.

"Thanks for the offer Will, but I'm feeling fine now that I'm warm and fed...the wine didn't hurt anything either. That's good stuff. I didn't know there were vineyards and wineries out here."

"It's up to you. See how you feel in the morning," I replied.

I tried to be discrete as I cleaned up the kitchen, but it was hard for some reason for me to keep my eyes off of the slim young man as he worked the blankets into a bed on the sofa. He filled my ex-wife's pajamas every bit as well as she had...just in a different way. This entire evening there had been a struggle going on inside of me about this person who had popped into my life. After Susan came into my life, I had tried to push the desires and fantasies for other men away, and had been pretty successful too. Her body easily stilled my physical needs. But, I realized we had never sat and talked as easily as Erin and I had this night. He was already beginning to feel like someone who could be good friend...and Susan had turned out to be a complete stranger. Glancing once more to Erin bent over the sofa tucking in the blankets, the memory that was burned into my mind of him standing nude was all I could see...it was a beautiful image. Yes, a perfect image, but not for me...no, it can't be for me.

Finally on my way to my own bed, I stood next to Erin and asked, "Anything else you need before I turn in?"

He was standing close, and before I realized it, he wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me tight saying, "I just want to hug you and thank you for everything Will."

I was startled, to say the least, but I also realized this would be my only chance to hold this wonderful gift...so with both arms I reached around his waist and pulled him close. We stood there for some time, both of us needing this. It was unexplainable, and undeniable at the same time. I didn't want it to end, but felt I should lest his innocent expression of thanks and gratitude turn into something that would destroy it all for us both!

I held him at arms length and noticed that his eyes were damp and glistening. I had no idea of what emotions or thought had brought those tears...gratitude...thankfulness...fear. I drew him close again and said, "Shush, you're just wore out and drained from all you've been through today. Get some sleep, and I'm sure you'll feel like your old self tomorrow." He didn't let go, and neither did I. We just stood there and I finally realized I was gently stroking his soft red hair. I allowed myself to soak up these feelings...who knew when I might ever feel them again.

As with all things in life, our moment of intimate connection passed. I knew I wanted to kiss his lips, and perhaps he did too...but the old fears and taboos held me back. The voice in my head said, 'One guy already tried to rape him today, is that the kind of man you are too?' And I suppose it was that voice that brought me back to myself. No, that's not the kind of man I am.

Finally tucked into my own bed, the memories of the day played over in my head until I was finally completely exhausted and drifted off to sleep.

*****

The next morning, we woke up to howling wind and more snow. I had work to do so I got up as usual, took a leak, put on a pot of coffee, started a new fire in the wood stove and set some bacon to cooking. I peaked out the window, and once again thought back to those old timers who came out here a hundred years ago...and just shook my head. The voice saying good morning surprised me out of my daydream, and turning I replied, "Morning Erin, I tried to be as quiet as I could...hope you slept okay."

"I slept better than I have in a long time Will...can't even remember how long it's been since I slept like that."

"Like I was saying last night, this is a magical place...at least it is to me," I said. "But, the bad news is, I don't think you'll be leaving today. We might could make it into John Day, but I doubt you want to be standing on the side of the road in this weather."

"No, I tried freezing to death once, I'll pass on trying it again," he replied with an elfish grin.

"I knew you were pretty smart, good decision," I told him.

The bacon was done and I was getting the eggs out of the fridge when I felt him pushing me away saying, "I'm the chef, remember. It's the least I can do to help repay your kindness."

To be honest, I wasn't much of a cook. Mama had always cooked at home, and Susan had cooked while we were married. But I was learning, and intended to master as much as I needed to in order to be independent and not need anyone's help ever again...just like Uncle Giles.

I poured my first cup of coffee and sat at the big table watching him fuss around in the cabinets...clearly not finding what he had wanted. "Hey Will, you ever hear of something called spices," he asked smiling over his shoulder.

"Yeah, they're on the stove. One says pepper and one says salt."

"Very funny chef Will. Okay, I'll just work with what I have."

He fussed around more than I was used to, but seemed happy to be doing something he loved...so I just watched for a change. He was getting it done way more efficiently than I would have, and it smelled good too. Without much to work with, it didn't take him long to bring our plates to the table. He brought a couple of glasses of water, then the coffee pot. Finally, he sat down and we could eat.

The first bite surprised me enough to say, "Damn Erin, how did you make these taste so good? It's just eggs."

"Oh, I could do a lot better than this if I had something to work with," he said with an 'I told you so' look.

"Okay, I'll admit I'm not much of a cook. To tell the truth, I'm a terrible cook. I wish I had something better for you to play with...I guess I don't switch it up much."

"Yeah, I think I already figured that part out," he replied with that pretty smile I was starting to like. He was so positive and made me feel good just to be around him.

"You know, I didn't think about it before, but there is a bus out of John Day that'll take you to Eugene and on up to Portland. Since you lost all you gear, it might be smart just to hop on and get there. This time of year is normally pretty cold, and without the right gear I wouldn't advise trying to camp out. And, you have the Cascade Mountains to get over...you get stuck up there with no ride...it'll make yesterday seem like a beach party."

"Thanks Will, I didn't know that. But truth is though, I'm not sure I can afford it at the moment. It took me longer than I thought it would to get out here," Erin confessed.

"You know you're welcome to stay as long as you like, but since you seem to want to get there and find some work...I'd be happy to front the cost of the ticket. It's not too much, around a hundred and twenty dollars or so," I said.

"That's way too much to hand over to a stranger Will, I couldn't do that after all you've already done. I will say though, if people out here are half as friendly and caring as you, it'll be a big change from what I'm used to back home," he said in genuine surprise.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to push you down the road...but it could be a loan until you get yourself settled. Just know you have some options Erin...and do whatever you think is best," I told him.

Erin got up and cleared the dirty dishes from the table, and went to work in the kitchen putting things away and washing the dishes. I watched him as I finished the last of my coffee and really wished he would stay around awhile. But maybe it's for the best...I probably didn't need the complications right now anyway. The fact that I had a hard time getting to sleep last night thinking about him naked...thinking about him in a sexual way...well, it probably would be best to not be tempted, I told myself.

Getting up from the table, I set my cup on the counter and said, "I need to go out and take care of some chores. Shouldn't be long...just make yourself at home."

The snow had let up, but the wind was still blowing strong when I got outside. Giles had always kept chickens, and I had kept up the practice. Once a person tastes a fresh chicken, they'll never be satisfied with store bought again. Same with the eggs, since I had the chickens, the eggs just came along as part of the package. But, they did need tending to and that was my first stop. After that, I made the rounds checking and feeding the four horses I kept. This time of year, they seemed content to stay in the barn except when the sun warmed things up. Then they liked to go out in the little pasture Giles had always called the trap. It wasn't so much a trap, as it was a funnel because the fences tapered from wide down at the far end and slowly narrowed until the open gate of the pens was the only place to go. However, today wasn't the kind of day these spoiled horses liked, so they stayed in.