My Father was a Switchman

The next part of my look around would require the truck. On a nice day, I would probably saddle my horse and ride down to the winter pasture, but not today. It wasn't but maybe a half mile, but with the snow drifts it took some time busting through with the four wheel drive pickup. The winter pens, or holding pens if need be, had a large three sided shed roof barn that held a store of hay and also provided a place for the cattle to get out of the wind when it got really bad. Today wasn't that bad to a cow, I guessed, since they were all out and about nibbling at the stubble poking through the snow. But they came in a pretty big hurry when they saw my truck pull up. They knew that when I showed up, special treats also showed up in the feeding troughs. This time of year, we had always given them some supplemental feed in addition to fresh hay. Once I had scattered their feed out, I stood back and looked each animal over for any signs of distress. I counted the cows and the calves to make sure everyone was accounted for. I hadn't learned these things in my college courses, this kind of knowledge gets passed down from father to son, or in my case, uncle to nephew. Everything looked fine, which didn't surprise me. Uncle Giles had always said, take care of the little problems to avoid the big ones. I was feeling lonely and sure wished Uncle Giles was still around.

It wasn't cold enough to worry about the water yet, the river had open spots most all year along here. That's one of the reasons the winter pens are here. I sat in my truck looking at the road down to the river and figured I'd need to put the plow on the truck if this snow kept up. But as it was, I could make out the two lines that was the road and the temperature had actually gone up two degrees if my truck's thermometer was right. "So, might as well head back to the house," I said to myself.

*****

When I walked into the house, the first thing I noticed was the smell of some kind of cake. The place felt so warm and cozy, all I could do was look around and smile. Erin had obviously found something in the pantry he could cook with, but there was no sign of him in the big room.

"Sure smells good in here," I called out.

I smiled when the little elf stuck his head out of the pantry and said, "You have all kinds of things in here to cook with."

"I hadn't been in there much, to tell the truth."

"Well, if you're going to be a bachelor, you need to learn to cook," he scolded.

"I hadn't given a lot of thought to being a bachelor...until I was one," I quipped back. "Plus, I already tried to get you to stay awhile...I'll probably starve out here all alone."

"I suppose you would then realize I was right about learning to cook all along," he shot right back.

"Oh, I see you have a feisty side...funny how sweet and kind you were yesterday," I retorted.

"My mother told me it was the prerogative of all Irish to be both sweet and difficult," he said and laughed as he ducked back into the pantry.

I was liking this stranger more and more the better I got to know him. How long had it been since such playful banter had greeted me when I walked in the door? Had there ever been any? It's sad when a person can't even remember a few happy days with someone you were supposed to love forever.

Erin finally came back out with a small cardboard box of some supplies he had gathered. He sat it on the counter and poured a cup of coffee, turned and brought it to me saying, "I was kind of worried about you, does it always take that long to check on things?"

If he was trying to break my heart, he was doing a damn good job. I knew he wasn't and that hurt even worse. This was just Erin being Erin. He was one of those people who light up wherever they happen to be. I had to stuff all these feelings down as I took the offered cup and said, "Thank you. Been a long time since anyone thought to have some hot coffee waiting for me...or even worry about me."

"I hope you like chocolate cake, it's all I could put together. Go sit down and I'll whip up the icing," he said smiling up to me.

I sat and watched him work. He was like an ever-ready bunny as he flitted about the kitchen. Before I could have even begun, he had the icing on the cake and was bringing me a slice. As I watched him walk to where I sat on the sofa, the old John Denver song came to mind; '...aint it good to be back home again...this old house, seems like a long lost friend...'

"I think it's getting warmer out," I said with a mouthful of cake.

"Really, that's good, isn't it?"

"Can't be bad," I replied. "Especially if you're still of a mind to get to Portland."

"When do you think it'd be safe to travel?"

"If it keeps calming down out there, probably by tomorrow. But that's not talking about hitchhiking and camping outdoors with no gear. That's talking about a bus ride," I said in a more serious way.

"Okay. I already accepted that you know more than I do about this country...and I already found out the hard way it can be cruel. So if your offer still holds, I'll take you up on the loan with a hard promise you will get my first paycheck."

I had a sinking feeling deep in my gut, but said, "We'll listen to the weather on the radio at six tonight, then we can decide."

"I'm going to miss you Will, I don't think I've ever met anyone who could be a friend so quick. I feel like I've known you a long time. But I only have one skill, and I doubt there's a big demand for chefs out here," Erin said in a sober way that was so different from all the banter and lighthearted fun.

"I feel the same way Erin. I would never try to dissuade anyone from following their dreams. Just remember your welcome to come back and visit anytime."

Erin spent the rest of the afternoon washing his one dirty set of clothes, tidying up around the house and getting supper laid out. I spent time in the barn talking to the horses. They were very interested and sympathetic of my sadness that Erin was leaving. I even told them I think I could love him...I had never ever even thought about those words toward another man. I knew I was in a mess, all the arguments and then the divorce. Erin's departure seemed to drill it home even harder that I was alone. How had uncle Giles lived so many years out here alone, except for me in the summers and a hired hand. At least he had a hired hand to play dominoes with and sit in the evening and talk. For the first time in my life, I questioned whether I wanted to stay out here all alone.

The warm breath on the side of my face told me that Atsa, my personal horse, was there for me. We had been friends for several years now. Atsa, was Navajo for eagle...and to me it felt like I was riding an eagle when we galloped in the wild places so near to home. I rubbed his nose and told him it would be alright, things will get better come spring.

The weather forecast confirmed my instincts that this would be a short lived front. They said all major roads were opened and reminded everyone that chain laws are in effect on the mountain passes.

"Well, we better get to bed early tonight. I'm not sure when the bus leaves tomorrow, all we can do is get there early and see," I suggested to Erin.

Erin had worn my wife's pajamas all day. His one set of clothes were hanging beside the stove getting dry. "You might as well take those PJ's with you, they'll never get used around here. Actually, they would make a good set of long-johns to wear under your clothes if need be."

"Thanks Will, I never thought about them as long-johns. I've never even owned a pair of long-johns, you've already got me talking the local jargon," he said trying to lighten the mood.

"Well, I think we'd better hit the sack. We outa leave here by six, so I'll wake you about five, okay?"

"Okay. Will, can I give you another hug...I don't know any other way to thank you enough?"

Erin scooted across to the side of the sofa Will was sitting on and snuggled under the arm offered him. He laid his face on Will's chest and they sat in silence watching the flames flicker in the grates of the propane stove uncle Giles had put in. The voice in Will's head told him this was borderline stuff...it's not the way men do things. But it felt too perfect to heed that voice, he'll be gone tomorrow so no big deal...and Erin needs it. They sat there until they fell asleep holding one another. Was it just two lonely souls seeking the touch of another human...or was it something more? The unusual circumstances of their meeting caused an opaqueness that neither of them could see through clearly enough to know what this connection really meant, if it meant anything at all.

*****

Will woke up an hour or so later to find Erin still asleep in his arms. The clock on the wall showed it was a little after eleven o'clock. He woke Erin gently and said, "We fell asleep. Let's go to bed."

When he walked towards his room, Will was surprised when Erin followed him, and even more surprised when he asked, "Would you mind if I slept in your bed tonight."

It actually sounded like the most perfect idea in the world to Will, but should he? He was leaving tomorrow and one night stands weren't on Will's to do list. Maybe if they both kept the long-johns on...it had been nice sitting together on the sofa and nothing happened there.

Seeing it take so long for Will to answer, Erin said, "Never mind, I can sleep on the sofa again."

"No, no it's fine. I was just wondering if I should put on a clean pair of long-johns. Let's just call these good enough and get some sleep, okay?"

"Okay," Erin said and yawned.

Once in bed, Erin reclaimed his spot with his head on Will's shoulder. He focused on Will's scent, the smell of a man who worked for his living...he could detect the faint essence of the very earth that was so dear to Will...it was an honest masculine perfume that he wanted to remember forever. The wind was the only sound to be heard as they lay there deep inside their own thoughts. It was no longer possible for either of them to deny this was more than friendship, but they also shared a hesitancy to share the words out loud. Erin had loved once a long time ago and been hurt...Will still had the taste of such pain fresh in his mouth. Was that it, or was it just fear to admit the feelings? It was easier to just put the questions aside, to just lay close and feel safe. They slept snuggled together until Will woke up the next morning and realized they had overslept.

He turned to wake Erin, but stopped to look at the gentle face. Will finally admitted his attraction and his desire...but the word love was still hiding. He brushed the soft hair from Erin's brow and whispered, "Wake up sleepy head." When he didn't stir, Will touched his lips to Erin's forehead...just one kiss, he told himself. Erin stirred and Will sat up and said, "I think we over slept. Better get a move on."

*****

As expected, the roads were all clear and we made good time down to John Day. I paid for the ticket and handed it to Erin. We had less than a thirty minute wait before the bus would start loading. We sat in the lobby and I gave him my address. He was amused I didn't have an email, but I hadn't seen a need for it. I could probably get one since the phone lines came out to my place... "I'll look into getting one. Give me your phone number," I asked. It was then my turn to laugh since he didn't have one. I didn't say anything, but I knew he didn't have one because he couldn't afford it. In the end, my address was the most important information exchanged. It was our only link to staying in touch. When they called for loading, we stood and gave each other one more hug. I walked him to the bus, and just before getting aboard I handed him an envelope, saying, "It's just a little letter I wrote to you."

With those final words, Erin stepped onto the bus and out of my life.

Watching the bus leave, and burying the desire to get in my truck and chase it down, was one of hardest things I had ever done. I had been mostly angry when Susan had left, this time it was a feeling of helplessness and loss...and this hurt way more than anger. With nothing else to do, I headed home.

The hour drive gave me nothing but time and quiet, not really what I wanted just now. I could sense that Erin's energy was gone. I had always been sensitive to the life around me, noticing bad feelings and good feelings coming from both people and animals. The animals were mostly all good, but that wasn't as true about people. In looking back, I had ignored those feelings with Susan...lesson learned.

Walking though my front door, I was instantly hit with a cold loneliness. It was something I never had associated with this place I loved so much. I realized I was more sorry for the loss of Erin than I had been for Susan...in fact she had already begun to fade. The chocolate cake on the table made me smile..."Hope he finds what he's seeking," I said to the empty house.

*****

It had been hard to take those final steps up onto the bus. To Erin, it felt like life was moving forward all on it's own power...moving in a direction he didn't really want to go. He was a very sensitive man. He loved people, and was acutely aware of the diversity of both humanity and in all of life. His nature was much more contemplative than most, and he thought deep on questions most people don't even think to ask. He had heard Will's offers of help, but had convinced himself that to barge into Will's life at this time of his greatest sorrow would be a confusing intrusion Will didn't need. He had sensed the attraction they shared, an attraction strong enough to push fear down at least enough for their hearts to become entwined. Erin knew it would be harder on himself than Will. He was truly all alone in the world. Erin had always assumed there might be kin on his mother's side of the family, but where they might be he didn't know. She had been his one safe island, and now she was gone. No, Will didn't need me around to drag him even lower, he convinced himself.

Taking the envelope from his pocket, Erin carefully opened it. Unfolding the single sheet of paper, he found five one hundred dollar bills! Putting them in the envelope, Erin began to read what Will had written; 'Erin, Just figured you were going to need a little cash until you got settled. I know it's not much, but it was all I had here at the house. I don't expect you to repay this or the bus fare, I know how hard it is to get a start. And I hope you find exactly what you came seeking, you seem a perfect fit for this land and I hope you find nothing but happiness. Don't get so caught up in the city that you neglect to explore the joys nature can give in this country, you seem like someone who will understand her secrets. Best Wishes, Will'

Erin put both the letter and the five hundred dollars in his wallet, then buttoned it into the cargo pocket of his jacket. He was stunned, but also very thankful. Will had done more for him in only a couple of days than many friends he'd known for years. He had already promised Will he'd pay back the cost of the ticket, and he'd do the same with the money. But all of these thoughts were just a way to avoid the real voices in his head that wanted to talk about things of the heart. Erin knew those thoughts would only end up in more sadness. Looking out the window, he tried to still his emotions by watching the red cliffs and canyons roll by. It was, as Will said, a wonderful country.

*****

By March, the beginnings of real spring kept Will busy. This was the start of calving season for him. He had been shifting the genetics of his cattle to a March/April calving season. Giles had gone with a more traditional April/May herd, but with the availability of abundant hay resources the stress of a cooler calving season could be managed. The end result was heavier calves compared with the later calves. It would take time to get the genetics even across the herd, but as the older cattle died off, he would replace them with a slightly different mix. These were the things Giles had wanted him to learn. He had ranched long enough to recognize that some of the old ways were going to be replaced. Unlike many of his old friends, Giles had agreed that things should change if it was for the better.

It had been a lonely few weeks after Erin had left, before he had finally received a letter. He had read it several times, but sitting drinking his coffee before starting the day, he read it one more time:

'Will, First I want to thank you for the unexpected money. Despite what you said, I will pay this back as soon as possible. I spent several days in Eugene on my way to Portland. I liked it there. I finally made it to Portland, and it is a nice city. But I think my time with you showed me that the city isn't for me anymore. So, I am going back down to Eugene. There seems to be plenty of work there too, and it's easier to get around town. I'll write again soon when I have an address, Sent With My Love-Erin.

PS. Will, I hope you don't think me silly, but I want to say what I was afraid to say when I was with you. I fell for you pretty hard. You may hate me for this, but I've known I was attracted to men as well as women for many years. But I have never felt with anyone else what I did with you with. Like you, I thought I had found love once, but just like you...he left me in the end. It took some time, but I finally realized that what I thought we had was mostly in my imagination...not in his heart. What I felt for you is so much more, that now he seems but a waste of my time. I know I made you feel awkward with my show of affection, and I will always appreciate your patience with me at my time of weakness. It's hard for me to tell you these things, knowing most men don't understand. But I just wanted to tell you how much your care for me meant. I will remember my time with you forever, Erin.'

The same kind of thoughts came to mind upon each reading...'I should have been braver'...'I could tell he was eager to be close'...'It was all so rushed and hectic'...'I didn't know what to do'. Getting the letter had sent him soaring into happiness that it had been real and not just some figment of his imagination...and had then sent him plummeting into sadness because he had blown it. But in all fairness, he had very little understanding of how to love another man...he just knew he did love one. It was frustrating, but all he could do was hope Erin would send the promised letter with an address. He had a lot of things that needed to be said.

*****

No matter where one goes, starting over is a difficult challenge in so many ways. Erin found this to be the case in Eugene. It was a bustling college town, and he easily found work. But, like many college towns, it was also expensive to live in...and with no transportation he needed to stay close in the main part of town. He finally found a room to rent with a University of Oregon student. Her roommate had quit mid-semester and left her stuck with the lease. It was a place to sleep and take a bath, but not much else. He had made friends, or more accurately, acquaintances. They were pretty shallow, but Erin could accept and get along with most anyone. He never had anyone over to his place, it was too small and he didn't really care for them that much anyway. The one thing he couldn't get away from were the memories of Will and the memory of the peace he had experienced out there with him.

With those memories, and finally with some money saved, Erin sat at the small desk in his room to write a letter to Will.

Will, I am finally getting a little more settled. There is plenty of work here, and I have found a place to stay. It was already spring when I arrived here and now it is getting warmer. Such a difference from out there where you live. But you were right, the joy of living in such a place as you do is worth the difficulties it brings. I miss you more than you can imagine and I hope everything is going well for you. I'm sure you are busy now, and wish I could be there to see how a cattle ranch is run.