My Father was a Switchman

Enclosed is two hundred dollars. I will send the rest as soon as I can. Will, I have regretted saying all the silly things I wrote last time about how I felt toward you. I hope you can overlook those things because I hate the thought of you thinking bad of me. I would one day like to visit you again, and I don't want what I said to stand in the way of friendship...but fear it may already do just that. I understand if the silly things I said dampened your interest in friendship.

I have enough saved up to buy a bicycle. I've been stuck in the area around the university as that's both good for work and cheap rooms. This is a bicycle kind of town, and soon I will be able to explore it more.

I finally have an address; 1550 High Street, Eugene, OR 97401

I really hope everything is going great out there. I will never forget you or the kindness you offered a stranger.

Your friend, Erin

Erin read and re-read those few lines over and over. He wrote it again without any mention of his previous stupid letter, but in the end he wanted to try and salvage any friendship that he might have with Will. But even as he dropped it in the mailbox, he was beginning to partition that hope away. It would just be another of the many parts of his life he had partitioned into the darker regions of his memory...the places he tried hard not to visit.

Erin went about his routine, not finding the kind of satisfaction he wished for. His friendships were all pretty shallow and superficial. The job was less about cooking as it was about production. The one bright spot was the new bike and the miles of bike trails throughout the town and even along rivers and into the nearby woodlands. It was a secure enough routine, but so far nothing had filled the empty places inside...they had been there for so long now, with only a couple of short days respite with Will. Surely life is meant to be more than this, he asked someone...anyone...but no one answered. The words of a song had been stuck in his head for days...All the lonely people, where do they all belong...

*****

Life on the ranch had taken on a familiar routine for Will. The spring calving had gone well, and now it was just a matter of the vaccinations and keeping the mothers well nourished. The majority of the calves would be destined to auction in the fall. Since he was modifying the genetics of his heard, a few would be staying as future mothers themselves. During this period, he and a neighbor worked together. They would take care of the vaccinations, tagging and castrations of one man's bunch, then they would share the work on the other's cattle. It worked out nice, and avoided having to hire someone to help. Once that chore was done, Will was busy with the hay fields. They would all get a yearly freshening of minerals and fertilizer. Then the irrigation lines had to be flushed and the sprinkler systems put into order. That and what seemed like a million other little things that had to be kept up with...Will was finally happy again.

He was happy until he came home to his empty house. He rarely thought about Susan...but he thought about Erin every night. How he wished he could go back and do it different. Erin had wanted him, but was waiting for him to be the brave one. What a dunce he had been. Erin made it as plain as he could, you idiot!

Will felt like a ride, so he saddled Atsa and rode out to check the mail. Atsa was eager and full of energy, so Will let him open up on the road out to the main road. He covered the one mile in less than three minutes. Will patted him on the neck saying, "That's pretty good, yeah you're a good boy. That was good for the first run of the year...we need to do some more of that, don't we!"

Atsa wasn't a young horse anymore, but he still had the heart of one. Will stepped down from his saddle and looped the reins loosely over the saddle horn letting the horse sniff the ground and explore. He walked to the mail box and pulled out several letters and some junk mail. Glancing through the letters, he spotted the one from Erin and pushed everything else back in the mailbox. As he read the words it seemed he could feel Erin slipping away...he was trying to erase it all. He thinks I'm a homophobe, and why wouldn't he? I didn't push him away, but I didn't sweep him into my arms either. I can't let him go thinking something like that...it's a hundred and eighty degrees the other way! What an idiot I was...too afraid to be honest, and it's gonna cost me...it's gonna cost me big!

Will remounted and turned Atsa toward home, again letting him have the reins the faithful animal eased into a brisk canter back to the house. There was still daylight, and still work to be done, so Will turned away from his pain and fear to do what needed doing one more time. In fact, He worked later than usual because it helped him think about what he should do or say to Erin. Finally it was too dark to really accomplish anything, and he had talked himself through it all a dozen times. He walked into the dark house and felt the chill...why does every little thing make me think of him? He could almost feel the warmth and smell the chocolate cake he had made...he could see the elfish grin that had greeted him. Pushing those thoughts into the background, Will got the furnace going and looked in the fridge for leftovers. There being none, he checked the pantry and chose a can of soup, grabbed the sliced cheese from the fridge and the bread...a glass of water completed his supper. For the first time in his life, he had the thought that he didn't want to keep going out here. There was no one he knew of who could claim the ranch under Uncle Gile's trust, which meant he could sell if he wanted to. But that just led to the question of where to go then?

The voice that keeps him company started up again...It would be stupid to throw all of this away...it would be disrespectful to Uncle Giles...why don't you just go tell him...he's done everything but tell you he loves you...what are you afraid of...oh, the neighbors...that's a good reason to throw every chance of happiness into the wind...let 'em gossip if they want to...if they are real friends they will stick with you...if not let 'em go...it's all up to you...it's all up to you.

Will dug out the half bottle of wine he an Erin had left and sat on the sofa watching the flames flicker in the stone grates of the gas stove. He remembered when he and Erin had sat here, the uninhibited conversation, sitting snuggled together and falling asleep. As Will sipped the wine, his thoughts were starting to take shape. Uncle Giles, more than his father, had talked a lot about being happy. One of his favorite sayings was; 'If I don't have at least one good laugh in a day, it'd be a bad day.' Will now realized the importance of those words his uncle had tried to pass on. He was more miserable than when Susan had left. He realized that he was more smitten by love now than he had been by her. He could either accept it and go after it, or reject it and be miserable.

Will took the last drink in his glass, and made up his mind to go find Erin and do his best to win him back. He would go day after tomorrow, since he would have to get the animals set for several days without him.

*****

Erin knew it would take awhile before he might find a letter from Will in the mailbox, but he was so anxious to hear from him he couldn't hardly stand it. The only way to burn off the energy was to ride his bike for hours after work each day. The town was filled with young college aged students, but he felt better just being alone. It was pretty here, but not as majestic as out east where Will was. He was slowly saving a little money, splitting his wages three ways into expenses, Will and his own savings account. He wisely told himself that he didn't need so much to be rich...but happiness was important. He knew he wasn't there yet, but he did his best to be positive and thankful for all he had. His days became a routine, and for now a routine was helpful.

But at night, all alone in his tiny rented room, he replayed every moment he had spent with Will. Sometimes he imagined another outcome, one where Will had returned his love...was it really love, or just desire? It felt like love, but there was a passionate desire there too! He had bought himself some new bedroom toys, and he tried to appease and satisfy those desires as he imagined the words Will had not said...and the kisses he had not offered. Erin knew he had to move on, but he wasn't there yet...and the very thought of moving on brought no comfort or hope at all. So he let the manufactured lover pleasure his body, and each time he came, it was with the image of Will on top of him and the words 'I love you' escaping his lips.

*****

Will hit the road on a sunny Wednesday morning. It would be a long drive, but the weather was nice and spring in the high desert is always fresh and full of new life. Will realized those were almost the exact words Erin had spoken when telling him about Valentine's Day...it was a fresh start that was offered. No one had to accept what was offered, but only a fool would refuse it, Will told himself. The remembrance just further confirmed to him that he was doing the right thing!

As the day wore on, he wished he could take the back roads and take his time, but not this time...maybe next time when Erin is with me. That thought kept him occupied with plans about all the places he would show him, they would use the camper and maybe even take a couple of horses. He wasn't going to work himself to weariness anymore without some breaks. He'd hire someone if need be from time to time. Life's too short to be miserable. If all this with Susan and now Erin had showed him one thing, it was that. A day without a good laugh is a bad day, he heard Uncle Giles whisper into his ear. Like so many times, a life changing insight comes along so unexpected but ever so powerful. Will made a vow to himself to pursue happiness...and he realized that was exactly what he was already doing in dropping everything to go in search of Erin...to go in search of happiness for them both!

The drive would be at least six hours one way. Will didn't have a plan beyond showing up and finding Erin's place. Maybe they could go someplace decent and eat supper and talk. No way to plan this one out, he conceded. Just get there and see what happens. At least he was on his way, it felt like the hardest part was done. He had never been faced with a decision about love for another man since he had never experienced it. Being bisexual, he always saw himself as very accepting of everyone's right to love who they loved. Now, when the flames came close to home, he realized that he was afraid of what others would say about him. It's not like he was raised here and knew everyone in the three counties, but he was a part of the community and word would go around about a new person staying out there with Will. "If it comes to it, we'll just stay to ourselves if they don't want us as friends," he said aloud.

When he got to Prineville, it was time for a break. Will pulled into the Shell station for gas and to take a leak. Before hitting the road again, he wandered into the store in search of something to eat and a few bottled waters to take with him. Walking to the back where the food and drinks appeared to be located, he passed a display of greeting cards. There were cards for every occasion, but the one that had caught his eye was a sad leftover from Valentine's Day. It was a comical one of two broke-down cowboys, with equally broke-down horses standing next to broke-down cattle pen. One of the cowboys was handing a card to the other and the verse on the card read;

Out on the range where the women are few

This time of year my thoughts turn to you

The best 'ole buddy I ever knew

I know it seems strange and it's prob'ly true

But I'm sending this message just out to you

Hoping this day...you'll be my Valentine too

Will chuckled to himself and thought the humor was perfect. But, he could understand why this poor card had found no takers. But since Valentine's Day would now always be a special day since he had met Erin, he added the card to his purchases.

At the checkout counter he commented to the cashier, "I bet you didn't sell many of those, maybe I should get a discount."

"Actually, you'd be surprised. This one struck a chord with quite a few folks. It's funny and also pokes at something that has more truth to it than some folks want to admit."

"Well, I have agree it does both...and I know just who I'm giving it to. Maybe late, but I think he'll find it funny too."

The young cashier looked at me in a different way, probably wondering if I was serious or just having some fun. I paid my bill and left him there wondering. Back in my truck, I realized that I had just allowed myself the first taste of being out and open about my sexuality. Granted, it was a good long ways from wearing rainbow undies in a parade down main street, but it was a start...and it felt real good.

Once I had made it up high into the Cascades, I noticed there was still a lot of snow-pack in the high country. That would be a relief since the past few years had been so unusual with the early spring turning warm so soon. Climate warming had been something I had studied in my course work. I tried my best to help some of the folks I knew understand it better, but there was a lot of misunderstanding and downright deception that was hard to buck. I was already trying to make any changes that might help me keep the ranch healthy and prosperous as the weather got dryer. One of the first things was to begin clearing the invasive Juniper Trees that sucked the groundwater up. The tees had been on a steady match north for years unchecked. The good news was that more and more ranchers who had been raised out here were starting to see the changes and changing their tune on it all. Driving alone, I once again realized just how boring it is to have no one to just talk to and share the day with. I had to win him back into trusting me. The more I looked back at my own words and actions, it was understandable how he got the wrong message...actually, he got the message I was sending out perfectly, I was just sending the wrong message. I was sending out the lie I had honed to a perfect edge over many years.

My butt was sore by the time I entered the outskirts of Eugene. I pulled over to stretch my legs again and to enter Erin's address into the truck's GPS. It was a pretty straight shot right into town, and I moved on feeling the nerves start to cast doubts again. But the doubts were too late, I was this far and there was no way I wasn't going to find him and try to get him back!

*****

It was early evening and Erin was reading a book when the knock startled him. No one from work, or the few people he socialized with knew where he lived. Must be someone looking for Kristen, he thought as he went to the door. When he saw Will standing there he felt faint for a brief second or two, then blurted out, "What are you doing here!"

"Hoping you'll invite me in," Will replied.

"Wow, you really surprised me...come in...it's so good to see you," Erin said and couldn't resist a quick hug.

But Will had other plans, and the quick hug turned into a long embrace as each man wrapped arms around the other and stood rocking slowly in the middle of the room. Finally Will said softly to the treasure he still held close, "I came to ask you to forgive me, and to see if I could talk you into coming home."

The words of Erin's fantasy were being spoken into his ear. His first thought was he needed to wake up from this dream...but it was such a sweet dream...and it felt so real, he couldn't let it go. All he could do was hold tighter to the strong man who held him. How long they stood there was never agreed upon, one thought this long and the other thought longer. But time didn't matter, all that counted was the healing touch of love shared. If Will had any doubts about embarking on the journey, they were all washed away in the warmth of that love that scrubbed away every doubt and fear he had ever imagined. He would die defending this love, if need be...for he knew he would die a million small deaths without it!

It was Will who said it first, "I love you. Please come home."

Finally, Erin broke and he sobbed his relief into Will's strong shoulder. "I'm so sorry. I just didn't know how to make it work Erin...I'm still not sure of anything...except I don't want to live without you."

Erin sniffled and stifled the tears, they were tears of thanksgiving and gratitude, but Will needed to hear his happiness, "Of course I'll come home with you...it's all I've dreamed of since I left. And you mustn't feel bad, we've all gone through trying to figure out how to be true to our real selves...and I know it's even harder out where we'll be living. But we'll work it out together...I know we can."

Will had been staring into those tear dampened blue eyes the entire time Erin had spoken. Now in the silent space between words, the true love was revealed in the eyes of both men...finally appeased and reassured, the eyes closed and lips met and had their chance at showing the depths of that love.

It was never clear how they ended up on the bed, and it really didn't matter much. Love will find it's way, and indeed it did. With the shroud of clothes torn away like the black bunting after a funeral, the two lover's were free at last to taste the fruit of love's passion. Erin was enthralled with the strength of the man who looked down on him...Will was enraptured with the delicate beauty of the man who yielded to him. Neither had ever experienced such a perfect connection of both body and soul...and each abandoned themselves into this moment wanting to taste every nuance of this new and wonderful discovery!

The pent up passion of two young men is a powerful force, and they had been too long in finding release of that need. But more than anything, it was the sweet essence of love mixed with the brute force of passion that made theirs a pure union of body and soul. The old fears of what others might say never found voice on that bed as Will buried his flesh into his love...and Erin craved that strong taking and willingly gave himself, opening fully to the hard flesh of his man. Yes, his man! Oh, that sounded so sweet to Erin's inner self...his man who was carrying them both to the highest pinnacle of fulfillment!

Neither knew they had fallen asleep until they woke up the next morning, still entangled in the small bed. They had simply spent all of their energy and as they lay entwined, the peace of total contentment had lulled them to sleep. But they both were in need of a shower, and Erin slipped out to make sure his roommate was gone. The first shower they shared was another new experience in how wonderful love can be, the soapy flesh was even more alluring than when dry. Will wanted to wash every square inch of Erin's soft skin, and Erin loved every touch! Erin had his own turn on Will's work hardened muscles and the masculine chest with it's manly hair. Will's hand was large enough to enclose all of Erin's treasure, while Erin could get two hands full of his man in his smaller hands. Had the hot water lasted, it might have gone on for hours!

Finally with the passions sated for the time being, they sat and ate a light breakfast and had some coffee.

"When can you get out of here," Will asked.

"I can leave the room behind right now. I pay by the month and it's about due. I have a meaningless job, I just need to drop by and let him know I'm leaving out of courtesy. We can get out of here today, unless you want to stay longer," Erin told him.

"No, you're the only thing I needed to pick up in this town," Will teased.

"Then, I might as well get my stuff packed and we can hit the road!"