All Comments on 'My Girl Betty'

Betty chose unwisely. I would have loved to have read Him kicking Harris's Goolies into touch.

5 stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟. Happy New Year

Really poor writing, cartoon characters with some military bullshit thrown in there to get the old war hero's sympathy pop. Two stars, and that's generous.

Deja vuish?

Not enough consequence for the bitch, heck none was given anyway

Two things: First, you need an editor to fix misspellings, odd sentences, incorrect words and some continuity. Second, spell-check is your friend, your wingman. If writing about a person in the military, it's always good to spell 'soldier' correctly.

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Also, concerning continuity. Is MC George Armstrong Custer perhaps? No degree, and he becomes an officer, and not a mustang, if I'm reading it right. Then, from a 2nd Lt. to a Major, possibly a Lt. Colonel, in 4 years, all in Spec Ops? To the good, you got it right about cell phones. Too many cellular anachronisms in these stories, but you nailed it. The other thing you did well was his reaction. No midnight Ranger visits to the bad guy's house, no protracted revenge plan. No, MC got the best revenge. He lived a good life.

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The plot was good, albeit familiar. But, like cheatin' songs, there's only so many cheatin' stories, aren't there.

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Have someone look at your stories. Lot's of people will help you out there. If you can't find someone, lemme know. 4/5.

Difficult to read. You need to learn how quotatios work.

Trust me if someone does not speak to you for 2 years you are not together. Take a hint for crying out loud.

1* - Please, Please, PLEASE! get yourself a spell-check App for your computer! Or at least buy a pocket dictionary. You cannot successfully make it through life with the level of illiteracy that you have displayed in this story. You averaged at least one misspelled / missing / inappropriate Homophone, per paragraph.

Go back and read your story - slowly & carefully. If you can't see them, leaping off the screen, you should just give up!

A little confusing as to what was happening after he came home and went to the bar.

Gave 4 stars but the conclusion was too abrupt. Maybe a couple of paragraphs where we hear from Betty? How she totally messed her life up and how she still loved him. Regretting what she had done and was now living a miserable life.

Needs a proofreader.

The story was bleh and factually inaccurate. Cell phones were definitely around when 9/11 happened and so was the internet. Neither are what they are today, but both were around and available for use. As a matter of fact people already had cable modems by that time, so you didn't even have to deal with dial up. If you were at a university in 2001, you definitely would have had some type of broadband internet. I know I had a cell phone when I was at college to call home and over 50% of the adult population had one, so not sure as to why you would say they didn't exist.

VERY good stuff for a new writer. We need all we can get of your talent. Meant to be constructive: I saw at least a couple dozen typos of the kind Grammarly will not catch, like where you intended was but got way or too with too few o's. Recommend you do a slow-read proofing of your work after it has sat for a few days. By slow read, I mean you mouth out each word, like the way a 3rd grader might read. That will catch most of that distracting crap. Alternately, you could take advantage of one of the underutilize volunteer editor/proof readers on Lit. We are not overused, thanks to the stupid way the program is organized. Do keep 'em coming!

"opted instead for doing that on or wedding night."

Beta!

I lost a lot of sympathy for the guy at that point. If he'd been her first, then screwed Betty senseless for the following months before they went away to college, things might have worked out very differently for them.

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"I asked Dottie why she had never told me all this before we were married."

Because she didn't really love him. If she did, Dottie would've leapt at the opportunity to dish the dirt on Betty and end their relationship, so she could be with him instead.

2 stars: if you haven’t spoken to your SO after a fight, for 2 YEARS, it’s safe to assume you’re not dating anymore.

He ghosted her. Which is pretty disgusting of this “stand up guy with common sense” and a huge ass chip on his shoulder regarding his mom. (What’s next, some DI call his mom a whore and he’s going to start a fight?)

Anyway, I stopped reading after that because you purposely brought them back together just so you could have Betty chest on him.

That’s a shit move and you know it.

Good Story

Story jumps 15 years!!!! Pretty good storyline - but just 2* because the author was lazy.

Ok, Boomer. Too many anachronisms.

Cell phones and the internet were common in 2001. College kids have not relied on shared dorm phones since the 1960s. Even the names Betty and Dottie are from decades before the story was supposedly set. No one was killed on a Blackhawk in the first Iraq war. No one made Major in four years from 2003.

You have some potential as a story teller. But please get an editor, or at least proof-read your future stories carefully prior to posting them. This was absolutely full of errors that should have been obvious. Such errors greatly detract from a story.

Need to work on grammar/spelling hard to understand what you are trying to say. Liked the story line

Need some kind of punishment for Tom.

Oh my stars and garters, can a story be so poorly written and still be published? I couldn't make it past the first three paragraphs.

"as much I appreciated her (Dottie) calling my Hunky" - If your writing isn't clear enough for us to know it was Dottie calling you hunky, then you have to work on your writing, NOT uses a parenthetical. First of all, respect your readers' reading comprehension that they can remember a few sentences back. Second, if you want to be SURE that we know it was Dottie, then just say that: "as much I appreciated Dottie calling my Hunky." BTW, it's "me," not "my."

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"She met him for one drink at the bar immediately after work and then went home" - She can see from the picture that she hadn't come from work, even if she doesn't know that HE took the picture and saw everything.

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I could barely get through all the missing words, wrong words, poor grammar. If you red this through before posting (doubtful) and didn't stumble over all the mistakes then you should give up writing.

Nice try, but you really need a proofreader, need to do a lot more research. All the way to Major in just 4 years? Not really possible. He would have been hard pressed to make Lt. Grammer was a real drag on the story and that is why you need a proofreader. There were lots of cell phones around on 9/11. When the towers came down a lot of cell service was lost in NYC because the cell towers were on the top of the towers. Maybe English is not your first language. Work on those things and you will get better. Thanks, and keep trying.

A major in four years?? Wasnt aware that promotions were handed out like a prize in a cereal box. Should have done more with the evil rivals character. If one was that drunk before shipping out there would be no hours of fucking Betty who miraculously can deep throat a dick, there would be liquor dick…… not much use, has probably prevented many a baby.

That 'solider' tag is pretty hilarious.

Good story. But how does he refuse to speak to his soul mate for 2 years and then wonder whether they are still a couple??? How dense is he?

Somehow it was hard to sympathize with your main character. Maybe because you tried to tell us a story about young adults around the millenia. First at this time no one would wait for their first time until they got wed. Maybe that was a practice in 1960 but definitely not around 2000. At that point I really thought 'what the fuck is wrong with them?'. Then there was the fact that around 9/11 there were definitely mobile phones and even internet. I was 16 at the time and already had a nokia and no, my family wasnt rich, worked for it myself. When they got to college and had their fight and they didnt talk for 2 years and he wasnt sure if they were still in a relationship I lost all faith in the MC. Was he stupid? How could he even remotely assume they were still in some kind of relationship? So what Betty or he did in the 2 years shouldnt have any impact in the future. I dont even know how he could assume that they were together after his drunken one-night stand with Betty before he shipped out. He never talked to her about it and she also didnt say anything about it. They were just in contact while he was away for 4 years. So why shouldnt she go out and have fun while he was away? Its not like they were in a relationship. Also him assuming that Dottie was in love with him just because she gave him her number? On what planet lives this guy? The only wrongdoing I found was the scene in the club where he saw Betty with Tom. But you know what? I dont expect them to have talked about exclusivity since they never talked about it before and never defined their relationship.

what is there to care about harlots, whores and sluts anyway.

good riddance of Betty.

Nice work Wolfden999

For a new writer ,not bad. The plot was ok, the writing a bit stilted, i.e., did not have flow and rythm. I would suggest an editor or at the very least grammarly.

I know it seems I am bashing your story. Not my intention, hope my suggestions help and please keep writing

What a simpleton. He meets her one time in six years and thinks they're still together? Special Forces my ass.

Above average in many ways, its well written and told clearly. The plot was totally predictable, although i expected Tom to get his ass kicked.

I think the writer has the year 2000 mixed up with scenes from "Mayberry RFD." But that is minor compared to how this special forces sports hero stayed true to a maybe-girlfriend for two years after a breakup and four years overseas with, apparently, no leave whatsoever. Then he marries the one other woman he knows.

Apart from trivia such as when cellphone were available, becoming a major heading toward lt colonel in 4 years in service (whose army does that?), etc., you can't write things that no recognizable human would say or think and keep your reader engaged. For example: "I really did not know how to answer that, as Betty and I had not talked in almost 2 years (since our last fight) and I did not know where that left us." In every age and place, someone in those circumstances would know the answer...there is no romantic relationship.

OK story but I never could really get into it. More like a play by play without much emotion or drama. An editor could really help you with your stories.

The story wasn’t to bad it’s had it’s ups and downs but hey for a newbie it really wasn’t to bad . But as others have pointed out you need either an editor or a person who can proofread your story. You need a saddletramp1956 help your stories with the help of him would escalate Into a huge hit on this site. You have got the talent you just need help controlling it and for what this story is especially being military he is the number one person who can help you just email him and as for help he won’t bite ( I don’t think lol 😆) . If he can’t help you he will know who can so please don’t stop writing these stories but just let him look at your stories before you publish them. He will have the best advice on this site ok .

That was quite poor actually. After two years of radio silence the main character doesn't know where his relationship with Betty stands?? Get serious!!

Not bad but you need an editor - mispellings, misplaced words, wrong word choice, commas misused. Also 4 years to Major, nope. He would've been a captain with major being dangled.

For a first timer it's very good. Like many before you the ending was predictable. I thought maybe it needed to be longer, but only to the degree of establishing the Dottie relationship. Good job thanks for submitting.

Lots of Monday morning quarterbacks here for your story. I thought it was a very good story, totally believable, and explained everything. You do need a proof reader for grammar and spelling errors though since they interrupt the flow of reading your story.

A major after less than 7 years in army. Nope.

Mediocre but extra points deducted for ending with “life is good”; what people write when they can’t figure out how to call it “done”.

Nice start to a promising career here - 5* for this one, but you'l need more to get another from me. LOL!

Women weren’t allowed to fly missions in combat until 2013. His mom couldn’t have been killed in combat in 1991.

Too many typos/errors, just proof read or better still get an editor.

*1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HATE STORIES THAT DON'T BELONG IN LOVING WIVES BEING IN LOVING WIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This story is about a long time high school GF that didn't go much further than high school. THERE WAS NO LOVING WIFE IN THIS STORY!!!! NOT REALLY SURE THAT DOTTIE WAS A TRUE LW EITHER!!!!! I'M REALLY, REALLY, REALLY TIRED OF TRASH BEING PUSHED INTO THE LW CATEGORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE ONE OUT OF ONE HUNDRED ARE TRULY LOVING WIFE STORIES!!!!!!

After reading some of the comments, I was tempted to lower my score from a 5 to 4. But decided to go with my first instinct, because I just love a happy ending for the MMC. That being said, the commentators had much good to say. I agree with Odiouser, who makes the point I've made several times in my comments - those computer editing programs only take you so far. Not sure you have to mouth out the story like a third-grader, but printing out and going over it with your own eyes will clear up a lot of the grammer, spelling, and just overall goofball errors. And while the cell phone/landline phone situation seemed reasonable for the time frame (yes, there were cell phones, but no, not everyone had one), to say there was no internet in 2001 is laughable. Tajfa makes a good point that it would have been nice to get more detail on Betty's miserable life, but on the other hand, this is a first-person narrative and that first-person has bigger fish to fry (e.g., his happy family life with Dottie and their kids). As to what Powersworder had to say about Dottie, he's got a point, but there are counters to it. One, Dottie may not have had a way to reach Mike (cell service wouldn't extend to Afghanistan). Another, Dottie had a fiance, so the timing to gut Betty and grab Mike may have been off. I also wouldn't take that line "I asked Dottie why she had never told me all this before we were married" literally. I suspect that she actually told him all this while they were reconnecting as friends (prior to as lover, then spouses), and that this sentence was another example of what happens when an author doesn't proof-read with his (or her) own eyes.

A new writer? Guess you needed to get your full supply of that very old bullshit line, "would I be better of with or without her". Used that shit twice. It was stupid the first time it was used in one of these stories and it's still ignorant. How could having a a backstabbing, cheating slut as a mate possibly be better for you? The author really strove for drama but there really never was any because reason says you pull out a rose thorn and discard it when it's buried in your skin. No chance of keeping it because you like the pain.

This could have been a good story with some minor editing. It was too jarring to come across wrong words as if you used voice transcription to write. Bad syntax breaks the flow. For your next story, please wait a few days after writing it, print it out, and then read it. You'll catch most of the problems and your story will be much more readable.

Had my first mobile phone back in 1989! It came attach’d to a small suitcase though

Gave it a four. Well written and decent character development from an emotional standpoint. However, you need to do a lot more research on the military because to those of us that have served you lack of knowledge is obvious.

It was DISTRACTING having so many inconsistencies in your story — for example — he joins Army after 2001…get shipped out in 2003…but ends his 4 year commitment in 2008? And her goes from 2nd LT to Major in that short time? And stating that there was no internet or cell phones in 2001?

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The bones of the story….girlfriend that should be “the one” turning out to NOT be “the one” was OK….but the lack of any real interaction/conversation between him and Betty made feeling sorry for him or upset at her in the end an almost impossible task. The reader just didn’t care.

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This read like a 3rd draft that still needed work on — continuity, spelling, fact checks, and logic. These are thing that a good editor can help with.

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3 *** for the effort. You seem to have the talent….but it’s raw. So more please and find an editor!

The story was a good one, for the most part. The part that wasn't? Tom walks away without paying any sort of price. Behavior like that call for consequences.

You NEED an editor to do some MAJOR editing, not minor like one comment said. Couldn't finish it.

I hoped it would be better but in the end it was the usual one long cliche, thinly written. And barely distinguishable from so many other stories of this sort.

Those issues made it so i couldnt be pulled into the story. It had no emotional impact one way or another for me. I didnt feel bad for the MC, I didnt feel any dislike for his gf or Tom.

Better luck next time.

Needs to proof read and get a good editor.

Has the bones of a decent story, but needed a lot more fleshing out. Betty, for instance : best friends with the MC since childhood, yet she utterly betrays him by cheating on him with Tom, who she knows is the MC's bitter enemy. That's evidence of Betty's hostility, unconscious or not, towards the MC. Her motivation needs to be explored.

Story was a bit better than okay. He was kind of dumb. How do you not talk to someone for 2 years and not know where that leaves you?

Four star. At least he woke up and smelled the coffee.

Enjoyed the story.

Please edit and read a few times before submitting. Not anal about a few mistakes, but take your time and get better at this.

Thanks

The base of the story is solid, but it needs a lot of help. Also, if you are going to continue to submit stories, I would suggest you get an editor and a proofreader to go over your stories before submission.

Still too cliche.

This story was a mixed bag. I like the development of the story and where it was going. However, the prose was stilted, grammar needed improvement, and the flow was a little erratic.

Since the story was decent, I gave a four rating. With more writing experience and improvement, the author could produce some great efforts.

Why was this in Long Wives? Nobody is married until the very end. You need to do a better job with your timeline and nobody told him what Betty was doing until it was all over but the shouting? He didn't have a lot of friends did he? Yet he was a football hero. Too many things didn't make sense in this woeful tale.

Raw story, charactes not refined, no dialog, unfinished. You should work a little more on it.

Good story and you told it pretty well except for some errors in grammar snd spelling which caused me to have to stop reading and try to figure out what you meant-. For a story with a pretty well-used storyline, you did great but the errors in spelling and grammar were a major distraction, You should get a proofreader/editor. w

It was Kay. Needs some attention to the editing. I’d also suggest researching topics that your unfamiliar with. Mistaken facts are death to a good story. In this case, it’s not believable that any US Army officer would be on a lieutenant colonel’s promotion board after only four years of service.

The story is filled with drivel about the actions of Tom Harris and how much he MC dislikes him, but the dastardly Harris suffers no consequences at all. As the MC demonstrates, weakness and whining are pathetic pillars on which to build a life. Not exactly breaking news. To borrow from Peggy Lee, "Is that all there is"?

Kudos for having the guts to post here in the Troll Pit! Pretty good for your first. Do get an editor, or just do a better job of proof reading. There were at least three sentences that I never did figure out even after re-reading them. Having Betty lie about not having seen Tom for four years was a bad move: if she'd told the truth, it would make his decision harder, thus more interesting and more revealing about his character. By the way, did he ever find out how his mom died?

My Take. Mike was an idiot. He joined the military without even telling the person he was supposed marry that he was doing it and discussing it with her first. Whould do that except a selfish idiot who did not love his girlfriend. Apparently Betty had been faithful to him until that point. I think she was justified in feeling betrayed and unfortunately it apparently ruined her life while not having any negative impact on the brainless and selfish Mike.

anon.1

Good story. I enjoyed it very much, even with the errors in grammar. It wasn't too difficult to figure out what Betty had gotten up to while he was away. Well done.

Pretty sad and pathetic. Not the least bit erotic and definitely not about sharing a wife.

To the pathetic little weasel who continues to post and whine like a baby about what category stories should go in…..go fuck yourself with a rusty shovel. You cry about every story and post like junior high prissy girl with capitals and tons of exclamation marks. It makes you look psychotic. And let me ask you, have you even bothered to read the description of what the category Loving Wives is? It’s about sharing wives, swinging and extramarital sex. So for the love of god, stop making yourself look like such a total dipshit.

So, how about explaining why Tommy boy gets away scott free?

Kill the son of a bitch for fuck's sake.

I've to ask.

Four years without returning home? No leave? This was Aghanistan. Not WWII.

He deserved to lose her.

Besides, she was already a slut when she gave him his farewell fuck.

Lol

Nice story. Some minor issues with details, which seem to have royally pissed off some other commenters but I enjoyed it. Would have liked a little more of the Dottie relationship in all three time periods (school/ pre-army/ post).

Yeah a tour of duty in the middle east is 1 year. When he took the picture of her in the club with the ASSHOLE, that should have been it in his mind. Just tell her simply you hitch your wagon to that asshole knowing the bad feelings we had for each other. We are absolutely done . Goodbye.

Would help alot to get military facts correct.

It was a good story, although it was not clear to me how MC could have not come home for four years or why Betty was waiting for him. Girls need a relationship too and not just an uncommitted boyfriend that you do not see for years. So decent but a story that could have been improved a bit if developed in more realistic fashion..

If he made Major in 4 years it must have been some other army, not the US one.

the dialog is really confusing because sometimes its the person talking and sometimes its like a summary but its in quotations like they are talking. agree with others on the no leave. you've framed this story like it was in the 90s. before cell phones and the internet, like if he was making the choice not to have a cell phone or a myspace/facebook to keep in contact with his girl then he's got noone to blame but himself.

Good second effort. Keep writing!

Why didn't he kick the shit out of Tom?.

I'd have suggested looking behind door number three.

Anon if,

I thought promotions sometimes came quickly in war?

Gotta be honest, the MC is the homewrecker. He left for four years. If you think about, Betty was cheating on Tim with him, not the other way around

did not like. 4 years in Afghan?????????????

Then made for tv super Batman hero,blah, blah, blah

2 stars

Wait a second, he did not speak to Betty for the last two years of college due to a massive fight!!! But when speaking to Dottie before he ships out, he does not know where their relationship stands!?!?!? The MC is brain dead and too stupid to breath

Who fucking enlists without even discussing it with their SO before doing so?

Frankly, i feel sympathy for Betty in this one. She didn't deserve to have her life turned upside down by his actions.

I do not think the author knows much about Army life, leave policy, combat tour policy, promotion tracks and timing, and much else.

Writing a good story is not just about finding some way for a guy to be butt hurt and hate women. One needs to build an entire framework around it, one that makes sense. What you built was just a bunch of crap that other commenters have deconstructed before me.

You started with the whiny-ass premise and nothing could save this.

Betty is the one that deserves our sympathy. Her stupid lifetime boyfriend/fiance made a life changing decision for him and Betty without so much as mentioning it to her before doing it. Unfortunately she seems to have been in love with him and was ruined by his selfishness.

anon.1

nestorb30 has said everything that's needed.

Good story!!!!! 5 stars!!!

I would have loved more BTB and BT (Burn Tom) ;)

You certainly do not get to Major during a 4 year commission!

An interesting fairytale, but as much unrealistic as the main characters behaviours. Again, in this tale we can see the MC described as a childish idiot who needs a mummy, not a wife for sure. The guy was narcissistic and selfish enough, and a bit retarded, incapable to undestand the feelings of other people. Better stay away from an idiot like him. The candidate fiancee, at least only in the mind of the immature MC guy, became a slut, but at least she wasn't married, so it was her business. So much dislikable main characters, joined with an unbelievable childish plot, ending with a fairytale marriage and family for the MC. Too much nonsense in this tale. There are certainly very much worse and awful tales in this LW category, but this one was not likable.

Ridiculous story full of impossibilities.

Decent story. One critique: if you're going to write about the military, either keep it vague or do your homework. The sheer number of inaccuracies (in details that could have been omitted) was distracting. For example, his being "Special Forces" (which is a recognized thing in the US Army, and capitalized, unlike the more generic 'special ops') wasn't relevant to the story at hand, and also would have required a lot more time that you gave him in the military.

Best revenge is living well. 4 stars, mostly for the main character being such a brainless idiot despite somehow being a successful officer (which would require a well working brain AND people skills). He should have realized she was a lying, heartless cow, long before. Hell, he should have dumper her ass permanently after she insulted his mom.

Reading again. The military errors don’t take away from a very good story. I enjoyed it again.

Another LW MC who is slow on the uptake. Don't know why he ever talked to her again after she insulted his mother.

Should be trustworthy rather than trustful along with a few other similar mistakes. Average LW story but you have upside.