by wetworks_88
Decide from which point of view you want to tell the story. First, you start with first. Then, you suddenly change to third.
A great beginning. Pete sees his mother's splayed cunt lips in her bikini and gets hard in his pants. I think I know where this story's going to end up.
I HOPE WERE NOT IN FOR A LOT OF TALK , TELLING HOW GOOD THEY LOOK.THIS IS A LONG STORY DON'T SCREW IT UP TO SOON. LETS GET TO THE GOOD PARTS...................................LAROC OF AGES
BAD!!!!!!!!! READS AS IF IT WAS A STORY ABOUT A DAUGHTER AND HER MOTHER. IT IS NOT PROPERLY REWRITTEN FROMTHE PREVIOUS STORY.
This is how it really starts. Slow and easy just like it did with my mom and I.
For being a first story, you did pretty good, but it still needs some work. I agree with some of the others about the editting. There is quite a few spelling and punctuation mistakes. Get a good editor from the site, and they can help you. Continue writing, and don't let some of the very negative feedback get to you. Everyone gets them.
. . .but we were confused by the change in both tense and viewpoint: first, it's the son speaking, then, all of a sudden, it's an unnamed narrator.
This work will benefit from closer editing. Probably worth more than the three we gave it.
Now that the tone is set develope it and bring it along.
I for one believe in long foreplay to enhance the final event.
By the way get a good proofreader it will help the story.
It has merit; timing irratic.
For sex 'artists' that have good experiences behind them (those that use their mind, along with their organs).
Don't pay attention to the nay-sayers!! The subject, topic, and beginnign story is laid out very nicely. DO CONTINUE!!
I wouldn't bother with Part 2, if I were you. Why waste your time AND OURS? I've read more erotic nursery rhymes!